Single and Forced to Mingle

by Melissa Croce

  V. If You Must Mingle…

  So you want to get Out There. Intentionally. Dip your toes in the waters of sociability, so to speak. Don’t worry, we all have that impulse, no matter how short-lived it might end up being. If you’re feeling nervous, that’s okay! It’s not so bad out there, and if you hate it, you can always retreat. In the meantime, here are ways to make sure that your times among the masses are as good as they can be.

  BETTER QUESTIONS FOR DATING PROFILES

  If any of you use the variety of dating apps out there (and manage to tolerate them for more than five minutes at a time), then by now you’re used to the plethora of questions you need to answer: name, age, location, job, religion, politics, etc. And then there are the longer questions, like Describe your perfect day and Are you a pet person? and, ugh, What are you looking for in a relationship?

  Don’t get me wrong! The answers to those questions are important to know about a partner. But humans are picky, fickle creatures, and sometimes I wish that the questions were a little bit more honest so that we could know even sooner (#instant gratification) if this person is worth our very limited time, money, and effort. How is anyone supposed to gauge if the phrase “just want a best friend to go on adventures and Do Life With” means that you’re meant to be (let alone gauge what that oft-seen phrase actually means)? We need better questions, such as, but not limited to:

  What time do you go to bed, and do you care if I’m under the covers by the time it hits 9:30, moisturized and in fuzzy socks?

  Do you know your sun sign, moon sign, and rising sign? You know what, better yet, go ahead and tell me your Mercury, Venus, and Mars signs as well. Just to be safe.

  Please rate your top five favorite dog breeds.

  In the grand scheme of things, you will not be my top priority (that goes to my family and friends, job, and dog). How do you feel about that?

  Do you care if I play the same new Lizzo single over and over until I know all of the words? (There is only one correct answer.)

  How often do you clean your bathroom? Be honest. (Follow-up question for an appropriate time: How do you feel about the equal division of house labor?)

  On a scale of one to ten, how willing would you be to watch my favorite period drama with me when I’m sick?

  How social are you? What I mean is, how often do you go Out and when you do, what time are you home by? How often would you want me to accompany you?

  WHAT YOUR FAVORITE 1990s CHILDREN’S CARTOON SAYS ABOUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS IN RELATIONSHIPS

  Will the nostalgia for the ’90s ever go away? It can get annoying to be constantly reminded of the past (and that time marches on in only one direction and you can never go back!), but it’s hard to cast blame—after all, what’s not to like about an era defined by lots of comfy flannel plaid, sunflowers, economic prosperity, and boy bands?

  It’s been said that Disney has given people unrealistic expectations about love, but what about the absolute bonkers television cartoons we consumed just as frequently? Rumor has it that showrunners at Nickelodeon, in particular, where the vast majority of these cartoons aired, had very little oversight of what they created, so today some of their shows would more likely be considered more appropriate for adults than kids. That’s not to say that all the ’90s cartoons were weird—PBS was incredibly wholesome, and (daytime) Cartoon Network was… hit-or-miss with appropriate content. Like a lot of things in life, there was a huge spectrum and we were exposed to all of it.

  Millennials have to have been affected by the weird shit they saw as small children, and it’s probably manifested in ways of which you’re barely aware, such as in relationships. Sure, Disney might have the edge up on chaste kisses and patriarchal values, but when it came to actual interactions between characters? Daytime cartoon television had them beat.

  Hey Arnold!: You saw Helga and Arnold’s dynamic and immediately knew that you had come aboard the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers express train and there was no getting off! Helga’s constant taunts to Arnold’s face because she couldn’t deal with facing her feelings publicly (a trait that we all know she inherited from her gruff father, #daddyissues, amiright?) while mooning over him and her creepy bubble-gum shrine in her room (how did she manage to keep all of the roaches and rats away?) were something that we didn’t know how much we would come to relate to given time. Yay, repressing feelings and vulnerability!

  While the outdated adage “little boys pulling on little girls’ pigtails means they like them” was flipped here, perhaps this still gave you some unrealistic, and probably unhealthy, expectations as to what love looks like. At its worst, your idea of a dream partner is someone who expresses affection through constant scowling and makes comments about the shape of your head, aka Helga to Arnold. If this is your Thing, then far be it from me to kink-shame! But perhaps a better way to go is to look for a partner who balances you out and makes you want to be a better person, the way Arnold does for Helga.

  Doug: Oh, Doug. Sensitive, journal-writing Doug. We stan a man who understands and practices healthy outlets for processing his emotions! You took one look at that sparsely covered head and knew that you had found your ideal. What can’t Doug do? He writes, he’s a musician (“Bangin’ on a Trash Can” is still a, well, banger, and no one can tell me otherwise), and he’s such a good Dog Dad to his pup, Porkchop. Sounds like a perfect guy!

  … Except for the fact that he’s obsessed with his first love, Patti Mayonnaise, and to be honest, he probably always will be. Such devotion is admirable, but this likely means that you’ve fallen for the ideal person, barring their emotional unavailability. Like all of us reading this section, they’re stuck in the past and have no inclination to ever get out of it toward a much better future. No matter how perfect this person seems, if they can’t ever see past their ex to you, then you need to tell them to “Beet” it (why is “Killer Tofu” stuck in my head?).

  Rugrats: There was no blatant romance in Rugrats—thank God, because this is a show about literal babies—but if Rug-rats is your favorite show, don’t think you’re off the hook here! Basically, this indicates that you’re attracted to people who have a youthful energy—if you’re someone who tends to be more uptight and serious, this could be a good thing to balance you out and make sure you slow down and enjoy life’s simple pleasures. However, if you’re also someone who’s a little immature, this could be too much of a good thing. Sure, the idea of playing all day, interspersed with lots of naps and cookies, sounds like you’re living your absolute best life. Unfortunately, reality will hit harder than Angelica’s stinging barbs (I would also advise that if you’re attracted to anyone who has any qualities that resemble Angelica’s, you should run… far away and immediately).

  Arthur: Adult you is super into John Legend, and this is probably why! Just kidding, that’s a cop-out analysis (although I’m right, aren’t I?). Hate to break it to you, but if your favorite TV show was Arthur, it’s likely that your taste in romantic partners runs a little basic and boring. This isn’t just an opinion, it’s fact! Sorry, Arthur, because you ran on PBS and not Nickelodeon, you had a very limited chance for weirdness, or really much of a distinguishable personality at all. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing! Listen, you need the easygoing vanilla shows to balance out the Rocko’s Modern Life and Aaahh!!! Real Monsters craziness, and that sort of complementary energy applies to relationships as well. If your fave show was Arthur, it means that you value stability, morality, and someone who really likes going to the library, all of which are great attributes in a partner. But your Arthur-esque love definitely needs a partner who gets them out of their PBS shell—they need a little less NPR and a little more rock and roll, you know what I mean?

  The Powerpuff Girls: Speaking of complementary energies, if The Powerpuff Girls was your favorite show, it means you want a partner who’s made of sugar and spice and everything nice—wait, no, you don’t, that’s what you want out of an excellent snickerdoodle cookie. I’m not here to tell you
that there’s a specific Powerpuff Girl who is your type—a courageous leader, a snarky rebel, or a sweet angel—but rather that what you’re looking for is a teammate, a true partner who you can rely on when things get tough. Deadbeats and scrubs need not apply here; serious candidates only, because you don’t waste time on those who can’t pull their weight and aren’t willing to work hard to make sure your relationship is as strong and stable as the city of Townsville.

  The Magic School Bus: You knew it was a good day in science class if you got to watch an episode of this because it meant you got to learn something fun and new. I bet you were the type to watch a bunch of these when you got home, and supplement it with reading the latest installment of Magic Tree House. If you think I’m making fun of you, I’m not, because learning new things is awesome, and you’re probably attracted to people who are also intellectually minded, or at the very least, curious and open to new things and new ideas (either that, or you’re really into Ms. Frizzle, which, you know what? Is absolutely fair). Just make sure you’re either as committed to going down their rabbit hole of knowledge-seeking as they are, or are able to pull them back from the abyss when they need to come up for air. Hey, I can’t say I blame you: the absentminded professor thing is pretty cute, and a passion for knowledge is beyond hot. Just make sure you’re the subject of their latest study. Wink, wink, glasses nudge.

  Recess: As a good kid who didn’t like to cause trouble (have people be mad at me and potentially not like me?! Absolutely not—need to avoid that nightmare at all costs), Recess functioned almost like a fantasy for me to see the harmless prank antics of a group of close friends who seemingly didn’t care that they were constantly getting in trouble with the scowly Miss Finster. Throughout it all, T. J., Gretchen, Mikey, Spinelli, Vince, and Gus were inseparable and loyal no matter what.

  If Recess was your favorite show, you’re looking for someone who’s incredibly loyal, sure, but what’s more important is that they fit in with your friends. You take friendships very seriously—the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” is probably still one of your all-time played songs (not that I blame you; it still goes hard). You’re pretty flexible in terms of what kind of partner you want, but if your friends don’t like them, that’s a major red flag. You trust their judgments implicitly and are sure that if there’s something they don’t like, then this person isn’t worth keeping around. To that I say, the opinions of friends are always valuable, but in the end you have to trust your own gut.

  Ren & Stimpy: You’re a freaky-deaky, and you know it. Enough said.

  WEDDING ETIQUETTE THAT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW

  Here’s the thing: no one’s here to police behavior and social niceties, technically (we’re here to make gentle fun of it, really). But wouldn’t it be nice if everyone could just, I don’t know, be adults and behave at weddings/family gatherings? (Okay, granted, they might be less interesting, but in turn they’d also probably be less nerve-racking, so I think it’s a decent trade-off.)

  This section isn’t about the basic etiquette one practices at a wedding that I hope we all already know (such as: RSVP on time, don’t get wasted, adhere to the dress code, don’t wear white, etc.) but rather more nuanced, modern social cues that, man, you really wish your aunt Carol and other boomer relatives would keep in mind. You like talking with them and catching up, but not if it always includes their cringe-inducing private questions. Show them this list if you dare (maybe after a few cocktails?) and hope for the best:

  Don’t pester the bride or groom about when they plan on having kids, in any capacity, joke or not. They aren’t just broodmares and studs! Let them enjoy their wedding! Your question isn’t well-meaning, it’s invasive.

  Please switch to white wine toward the end of the night instead of sticking with red, especially if you’re prone to clumsiness and stumbling while intoxicated. That $5,000 wedding dress doesn’t need your sloppy wine stains on it.

  Don’t ask any single relatives why they’re single. Additionally, don’t ask any relatives who are in relationships “when it will be their turn.” They either want to be married, don’t care about being married, and/or are tired of being asked. What answer are you expecting, actually? Perhaps you think it’s just something “fun to say” and it’s “harmless,” but truly, it’s not!

  Do not complain loudly about your issues with the food, drinks, venue, decor, music, and/or dress. Even if any of your criticism has some truth to it, people worked very hard (and spent a lot of money, no doubt) on this event. If you must complain, wait until you’re in the privacy of your car/home surrounded by trusted people!

  For the love of all that is holy (and all that isn’t), don’t ask anyone, single or otherwise, about their ex that you met that one time at the family Christmas party. Please. I beg you. No one wants to talk about them. Ever. Ever.

  Discussing the physical appearance of anyone, especially if they or anyone they know could possibly hear it, is an absolute no-no! Again, wait until you’re alone in your car with trusted people if you have to be a monster, or just don’t do it at all! Write it down in your diary and throw it out to sea.

  Please, Aunt Carol, restrain yourself from bringing out your Tupperware and hoarding leftover food. You’re not being sneaky, I promise. Everyone can see you.

  HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS FOR A SINGLE PERSON

  Who else misses the simple days of childhood Halloween, when your main worry was trying to convince your mom to spend a horrific amount of money on a Party City costume so you could be the coolest kid in class for a day? Halloween candy was a God-given right, and you were safely tucked into bed, warm and asleep, by 10 p.m. Halloween in your twenties and thirties is more like starting out the night cute and dressed up and excited, but at some point during the night it all devolves into a drunken, hot mess.

  Worse still is that somehow Halloween has become something of a romantic holiday, in which couples’ costumes are meticulously planned and entered into contests and flaunted at parties. It’s like, “Is no holiday sacred these days? Is the only nonromantic holiday, like… Easter?” It’s too awful to consider. Group costumes are still flourishing, thank God, but it seems like no one truly values the individual costume anymore. Finding the perfect combination of something culturally relevant and clever or even just a little bit sexy (without buying something that just has the word sexy in front of it, ugh) is more stressful than it should be!

  That said, here are some starting places for evergreen costume ideas (that can also be good for any nonthemed costume party as well):

  Woman in a Hallmark Movie: Put on your smart but most generic work clothes, get a blowout of loose waves, and put on pretty but nonthreatening makeup. Carry around a planner and a purse, and say things like, “I’m just a city girl coming to the country to close down this inn, and any cute lumberjack countrymen can get out of my way! Nothing will stop me!”

  Catwoman: Buy cat-printed leggings and a T-shirt and you’re an homage to both a crazy cat lady and the superhero (villain?) Catwoman.

  Legally Blonde: Put on a blond wig if you don’t come by it naturally, then print out a fake Legal Certificate to wear around your neck. Dress in a pink lawyer-y suit if you’d like to seal the deal!

  Table for One: Get a cardboard box and cut a hole in it for you to step into—ideally the box should be snug around your hips to hold up. Find an old tablecloth to drape around you and the box, and hot-glue plastic or paper cutlery to it. Is it funny? Is it sad? Who can say! But it is clever.

  Fleabag: Pick out a flyblack jumpsuit, curl your hair or don a short curly wig, and then apply and smear bright red lipstick and mascara on your face à la Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Carry around a bottle of champagne to complete the look—the best part about this is that you can skip straight to looking like a bit of a hot mess right off the bat! Controlled chaos.

  Old Maid: Why not lean into this? You can either make it genuinely funny or horrifying or both: get a maid costume—you can make it as sexy or as unsexy as you want�
��and top it off with makeup that ages you to your desired level of crone, and utilize other little touches, like reading glasses, a cane, a gray wig, and any other mannerisms your grandmother or aunts adopt.

  VI. Let’s Never Do This Again

  There are times when you want to be sociable, and there are so many other times when you don’t. There are some events that are tolerable, and some that are probably on par with the seventh circle of hell. Hopefully, the latter can either be a) avoided or b) infrequent, but if not, here are some ways to make them better.