Single and Forced to Mingle

by Melissa Croce

  REUNION DRINKING GAME

  You’re not quite sure how you ended up here, in a hotel ballroom/overpriced trendy bar/corner of your old cafeteria, at your high school reunion. Alone. You were adamant that you would never attend one of these unless you had a hot piece of arm candy. You swore that you would rather scoop out your own eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon than see these classmates again. And yet!!! Here you are, drinking a watered-down rum and Coke and wishing that you, too, to quote legendary icon Cher, could “turn back time” if only to stop yourself from giving in to your best friend who said that this would be so fun, Melissa, and remember those people from high school whose Instagrams we follow and thought that it would be fun to see again? Maybe they’ll be there! Spoiler: You thought it would be fun while you were wine drunk, and they aren’t here, and your BFF has ditched you to go make out with the boy-from-tenth-grade-English-who-got-away. Standing in a corner by yourself reminds you too much of homecoming dances of yore, so there’s nothing to do but mingle with people who knew you at the most awkward period of both of your lives. At least make it interesting by indulging in a drinking game: as the night goes on, at least you’ll have alcohol and increasing levels of intoxication to help endure the following remarks and events (take a drink at every one you come across):

  “You haven’t changed at all since high school!”/“You look so different!”

  Your high school ex shows off their current significant other and you have no one to shove back in their face.

  People tell you how old their kid is in months, even though “two and a half” would have been fine.

  You are mistaken for a completely different person (who is also single).

  You took one shot too many when you saw your old nemesis because you had no one to stop you.

  Someone tells you a “remember when?” story you were not present for or don’t remember.

  You find out about a high school–era scandal you never knew about but have no one to share the hot gossip with.

  Someone shows up wearing their old letterman jacket.

  Finish your drink: Someone shows you a baby picture and the baby is not cute.

  Someone brings up your embarrassing yearbook “most likely to.”

  Two people who used to date each other show up with SOs who also used to date each other.

  Of the three Kelly/Kelley/Kellis you can’t remember which is mean, which is boring, and which is sad, and who would be worse to endure for five minutes in the bathroom line.

  You’re halfway through making up an extravagant lie about how fabulous your life is before you realize you don’t have a partner-in-crime to back up said lie.

  There is no one present worthy to have an “after-party” with.

  FAKE HOLIDAY CARD

  Ah, it’s that time of year again: the winter holidays. Every time Thanksgiving rolls around, excitement and dread are felt in equal measure. (Pro: Mom’s homemade pumpkin pie. Con: sitting next to Aunt Carol for two hours while she grills you on every aspect of your life.) But with the end of Thanksgiving comes the beginning of the Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa season, which means: Holiday Card Season.

  Perhaps more of our parents’ generation indulges in holiday cards, but this is one tradition that millennials haven’t killed off yet. Don’t get me wrong! At its core, the idea of holiday cards is a nice one: a way to let loved ones who you don’t see often know what you’ve been up to throughout the year. But it can also quickly devolve into a Bragging Session, and an inadvertent way for people to feel shitty about what they Don’t Have in their lives—basically what I’m trying to say is, were holiday cards the OG Instagram?!

  Whether or not you yourself send holiday cards, it would be nice if everyone could just be honest about both the good and bad of their lives!

  Dear College Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in Seven Years,

  Happy Holidays! I was so thrilled to receive little Emilynne’s (did I get that spelling right?) birth announcement. We should totally meet up for a drink and catch-up once you’re at the point where you’re getting more than two hours of sleep a night :)

  My year has been as fine as it can be in this political and economic climate (haha!… But really). My promotion at work has been delayed yet again, due to supposed budget restraints and the fact that my boss really wants me to do “something out of the ordinary” in my job to really “prove” that I’m “committed,” whatever that means. I guess working ten-hour days isn’t enough! Haha! I’ve decided to start job hunting, and updating my resumé has been more of a challenge than I thought. Who knows what I’ve been doing the past several years at this job! Not me, when I get down to it.

  As for my love life, which I know you’re very interested in, since it’s all you ask me about when we text, it’s… typical, I guess (not that you would know, since you’ve been with Dave since sophomore year! Well, except for that time he broke up with you so he could be single during his study abroad trip, but we don’t have time to get into all of that). I am on several dating apps, and the odds are good, but the goods… are odd. I think my longest “relationship” lasted two months, and honestly, that was probably because one of us was out of town for a good chunk of it (coincidentally, why we ended it). But you never know! I guess I’ll just keep going, because what other choice do I have? Meet someone organically? As our mutual friend mournfully said at our college graduation, “We’ll never be around this many single guys our age ever again.” Little did we know how right she was!

  My dog, Pepper, however, is still a delight, thank God. She had exactly one vet scare, and that was because she ate my shoelace and it ended up stuck in her stomach. That bill was horrific, but I don’t have any children, so I guess if that’s where my money goes, that’s where it goes! I had to wrestle her into that bow tie, but I think it looks cute! The pet photographer I hired kept calling Pepper a “good boy,” but I let it slide because the societal concept of a gender binary is a helluva drug, and I didn’t feel like getting into my usual lecture of why policing gender among animals is especially strange.

  I went on exactly one vacation to Miami and although I had a great time, I was incredibly sunburnt for a good chunk of it, hence why there is no photographic evidence on this card or even an Instagram selfie. Your yearly trip to Aspen looked fun, though!

  My friends are my saving grace. There’s a group of us called the Brunch Bunch (we try different brunch spots around the city) and we’ve found some great places throughout the year. At some point (I don’t quite remember when, to be honest), we created a side Instagram where we rate the taste and strength of different mimosas and bloody Marys. It’s called @daydrinkersinthecity, with captions of varying length and grammatical quality. My grandma somehow found the account (I think my annoying cousin Sheila ratted me out) and now thinks I’m an alcoholic, but oh, well!

  What else? The usual that I do every year, I guess (or have I? I barely know how time works anymore. Each month feels like its own year). I’ve devoured several Netflix shows and HBO series, and have made minimal-to-medium progress on my To Be Read book list. I go to the gym maybe twice a week, which I consider to be pretty good, and I try to take homemade salads for lunch to work to save money and eat healthier, although I’m bored to tears just typing about eating them.

  Anyway, that’s me! Happy Holidays, and hope you’re doing well.

  Xoxo—

  FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT: FAKING YOUR WAY THROUGH CONVERSATIONS ABOUT POPULAR TV SHOWS AND MOVIES YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE

  We’ve all been there: You’re at a party or a work function and everyone’s talking about that Thing, either the latest streaming craze or something considered “iconic” in all of modern pop culture, and you have no idea what they’re talking about. You probably genuinely meant to see it, but without having a significant other to share the TV with (which, to be honest, is pretty great), you only are watching what you want to watch, which is basically reruns of New Girl. Unfortunately, this is one of those rare inst
ances in which having a partner would be handy, if only so they could take over this particular party conversation for you, but you’re alone, so you just have to do your best until you can sneak away.

  And sometimes it’s perfectly fine not to contribute to a conversation and just listen, and there’s nothing shameful about not being caught up on every single thing that’s ever happened in pop culture, but if you would rather go with the flow when someone asks your opinion of a show than admit you haven’t seen it, to horrified gasps, then this guide is for you.

  THE CROWN

  What You Need to Know: A historical drama that covers the reign of Queen Elizabeth II, aka Prince William and Harry’s grandmother, beginning with her marriage to Philip and eventually ending in modern day. The series will eventually span six seasons, with different actors and actresses filtering in and out every few seasons to account for changing ages and time periods. Despite its name and subject matter, it’s shockingly not as boring as a History Channel documentary and, if you squint a little bit and take away the posh accents, has some elements of your favorite Real Housewives franchise. (Tables aren’t being flipped and there are no spray tans, but there is catty drama between rich white people who possess a lot of bling. Royals! They’re just like us.)

  Your Contribution to the Conversation: Because it’s rooted in real life (although there’s a hefty amount of fictionalization, obviously), it’s a little easier to fake this one than others. Popular opinions, however, include that Prince Philip is a dick (fuckbois permeate every social class, like a disease), and that Claire Foy did a great job portraying the young queen. Olivia Colman, who took over for her, is the perfect queen, and you can just say something like how you worship at her throne.

  GAME OF THRONES

  What You Need to Know: People could be talking about either the HBO series or the books (There are books? you might be thinking in horror. There are, they’re huge, I’ve never read them.), but it’s most likely the former. Just so you know, though, Game of Thrones refers to the TV series and the technical reference for the books is A Song of Ice and Fire, by George R. R. Martin. The book series is not finished, but the TV series (as I’m sure you heard over and over during the course of 2019) is. Both follow the machinations of royal families in the fictional Seven Kingdoms of Westeros as they battle it out to be its ruler and sit upon the Iron Throne. There’s court intrigue, romance, battles, secrets, hidden identities, and more. And since George R. R. Martin is a li’l freak, there’s also incest, a crap-ton of violence, some frozen zombies (called White Walkers), a crap-ton of sex, and just, like, people getting killed in basically every way imaginable. If someone starts talking about the Red Wedding, don’t ask questions, just nod and grimace and hope they don’t go into details. Trust me.

  Your Contribution to the Conversation: When people say the last season and finale of the show were bad, just agree with them. It’s not worth it to try to have a controversial opinion. People who are really into Game of Thrones can drone on about it for so long they give people who drone on about their kids a run for their money. If people ask you who your favorite family (or House) was, you can play it safe and say the Starks, but if you want to be a little more devious, you can say the Lannisters, especially Cersei; you could sympathize with a woman who wanted power in a male-dominated world and really loved her wine. Otherwise, sit back and sip your own glass of wine.

  GILMORE GIRLS

  What You Need to Know: I would bet there’s a good chunk of your friends who were (or still are) obsessed with this show, but unfortunately, they’re not here right now to cover for you, so you need to do your best and muddle through so people aren’t thinking you grew up under a rock. Current single mom/former teen mom Lorelai Gilmore lives with her teenaged daughter, Rory Gilmore, in a charming small town in Connecticut called Stars Hollow. Lorelai is outgoing and spunky, Rory is quiet and bookish, but they both engage in rapid-fire witty exchanges, usually laden with pop culture references, both obvious and obscure. It’s banter that’s truly the stuff of every aspiring-pretentious teen’s dream. Rory’s goal is to go to Harvard, and to do that she needs to go to a good high school, so Lorelai swallows her pride and asks her snobby, estranged, old-money parents for help to pay for Rory to go to private school (man, must be so nice to have that sort of financial safety net!). What follows are several seasons of mixing old worlds and new, and lots of romances for both Lorelai and Rory. Although this series has been officially over since 2007, there was a miniseries sequel A Year in the Life that ran on Netflix in 2016, with rumors that there may be more installations, so we haven’t seen the last of the Gilmores!

  Your Contribution to the Conversation: People have very strong Opinions on Gilmore Girls, but if you want to get through this conversation relatively unscathed, here are the most popular ones you can recite to your fellow partygoers, which, unsurprisingly, have to do with their love interests: Rory’s first boyfriend, Dean, is trash. Her college boyfriend, Logan, is also trash. Her second boyfriend, Jess, was once trash but is now Perfect and they are Made for Each Other (He likes books! She likes books! Can I make it any more obvious?). To be honest, I really think Rory could use a book like this one—she generally has awful taste in men and should probably be single for a long while! As for Lorelai’s boyfriends, they’re all basically irrelevant except Luke, local diner owner and slow-burn love interest. Oh, and Stars Hollow is so cute, how fun would it be to live there?! *Cue squealing.*

  PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

  What You Need to Know: Maybe a good chunk of this guide has been redundant for you, sci-fi/fantasy/superhero fan that you are, and what you really need is a guide on Jane Austen movies and other period dramas because your friends are nuts over them and you just aren’t. That is totally valid. Arguably the most popular/well-known period drama adaptation is Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, which is the equivalent of a romantic dramedy about Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, who initially loathe each other but end up falling in love. While I can’t say for sure if this concept originated with Jane A., she certainly is the Patron Saint of the Enemies-to-Lovers trope that many of us find so delicious. Mr. Darcy is seen as the quintessential romantic hero, but unlike some other problematic faves, his reputation is earned. Although he begins as a judgmental, aristocratic snob, he ultimately is a loyal, noble man with integrity who—and this is how you know this book is fiction—listens to Elizabeth’s criticisms and undergoes change to become a better man. In short: Jane Austen did what the other girls couldn’t do!! Real-life men take note, because this book has been out for two hundred years and here most of you are, still being awful when you had this man to be your guide.

  Your Contribution to the Conversation: What is probably being discussed are the various films, particularly the 1995 version versus the 2005 version. There’s usually a lot of Discourse about the two versions and which is better, and to be honest, who cares. They’re both great in their own ways, with equally dreamy eye candy to keep you occupied: the 1995 BBC version stars Colin Firth and the 2005 adaptation stars Keira Knightley. Or just say you like the 1995 version because you like a wet Colin Firth (I won’t tell you any more details than that, you just have to watch the movie yourself!)—I highly doubt you’ll get any disagreements there.

  STAR WARS

  What You Need to Know: Oh, boy. Whew, where do we start? Best to keep it simple: it’s a sci-fi space opera with Carrie Fisher kicking ass and making out with Harrison Ford and a bunch of sequels that range from fair to god-awful that have cool fight scenes (but not enough Harrison Ford, although to be fair, there’s never enough Harrison Ford in anything). There are nine movies, known as “episodes,” total in this sci-fi space opera. The entire series follows the Skywalker family, with Luke Skywalker, played by Mark Hamill, as the main protagonist. Carrie Fisher plays Princess Leia and Harrison Ford plays good-hearted scoundrel Han Solo. It’s a classic good-versus-evil scenario, with Luke representing the Good Guys, or the Jedi, which are basically telekinetic
, strong religious warriors who battle against the Dark Side, aka the Sith, who are their evil counterparts. A lot of this is done with a lot of cool fight scenes in outer space, so yes, this series is basically just ninja-wizards in space.

  Your Contribution to the Conversation: A lot of this conversation can honestly be handled by whatever passionate fans are in your group, but if push comes to shove, stick to this: The Empire Strikes Back (Episode V) is the best movie of the bunch, the prequels are garbage (the name Jar Jar Binks should be avoided at all costs), the follow-up trilogy is fine, at best, and Princess Leia is a badass supreme. Fair warning: you might have people argue with you on the last one, but rest assured that they’re wrong. I’ll say it again because it bears repeating: she got to command an army and make out with Harrison Ford. Double down and just say there’s nothing they can say that will change your mind. It’s fun to see any misogynistic fanboys lose their minds.

  STAR TREK

  What You Need to Know: There have been many iterations of Star Trek movies, television shows, animated series, etc., but the original started in the 1960s, with good ol’ William Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise and Leonard Nimoy as Spock, his alien first officer. Episodic and ridiculous a good chunk of the time, nevertheless the series, created by Gene Roddenberry, is considered to be revolutionary in many ways. Since then there have been spin-off movies and series, with the most recent film series being the “reboots” with Chris Pine as Kirk and Zachary Quinto as Spock, although it’s been several years since the last one was made. Fun Fact: There is a lot of excellent eye candy in this franchise. A young Will Shatner was hot, Zoe Saldana wears supershort skirts that show off her legs, and one movie even features a small cameo by Chris Hemsworth! Two Hollywood Chrises for the price of one; who can pass that up?