Single and Forced to Mingle

by Melissa Croce

  If you broke up because you fought constantly, go to the Cheesecake Factory: I’ll be honest, I originally picked this because of the line in the Drake song, “Why you gotta fight with me at Cheesecake? / You know I love to go there,” but after thinking about it, it’s actually very fitting that you go to a Cheesecake Factory after this kind of breakup because, like your ex, the Cheesecake Factory is actually mystifying and infuriating. With both, nothing makes sense and you feel so deeply unsettled that you just want to scream.

  Maybe you’ll try to say that it’s not that deep, but what is even happening with the Cheesecake Factory decor? Saying it out loud makes me feel like I’m a time-traveler: Egyptian columns, Victorian siding, fresco ceiling details, southern-style wicker chairs, palm tree accents? It’s like a mishmash of every themed restaurant you could ever go to, and that’s not even touching the menu. Besides the obvious cheesecake, there are Italian flatbreads, Thai coconut stir-fries, enchiladas and tacos, British shepherd’s pie, and even tuna ahi poke.

  Confront this chaos and work through it, one bread basket at a time. I’m convinced that time and space work differently inside a Cheesecake Factory, and once you leave, you won’t be the same person that you were when you arrived—hopefully you’ve achieved an inner peace that your ex never could’ve given you.

  COCKTAILS EVERY SINGLE PERSON SHOULD KNOW

  Even if your love life isn’t on point right now, your liquor game (if you drink) should always be. Sure, the basic cocktails could do the trick if you just want to be buzzed enough to get through the evening, but you deserve more than a watered-down rum and Coke (looking at you, awkward high school reunion!). Besides impressing the hell out of everyone you know, these drinks will be yummy enough to brighten any dull and dreadful situation.

  Dirty Hornitini

  The “horni” part refers to the type of tequila used, but your parents’ nosy neighbors who you randomly ran into at the local bar during a visit home don’t need to know that! Let them think you live like an extra on Girls!

  2 ounces tequila (Hornitos Reposado tequila)

  1 ounce dry vermouth

  ½ to 1 ounce olive juice (or olive brine, to taste)

  Dash Angostura orange bitters

  Garnish: green olive

  Pour the ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Stir well. Strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with a single olive on a cocktail pick.

  The Devil’s Handshake

  For situations when you would rather make a deal with the devil than be at this event on your own any longer. Thank Satan for this drink.

  For the ginger puree:

  1-inch piece fresh ginger

  1 teaspoon sugar (optional)

  Cut thin slices of fresh ginger and process in a food processor or blender until smooth. Add a teaspoon of sugar, if desired. Place the puree into an ice cube tray and freeze.

  For the drink:

  1½ ounces tequila

  ¾ ounce lime juice

  ½ ounce simple syrup

  1 ounce pineapple juice

  1 teaspoon ginger puree (see above instructions)

  1 egg white

  Garnish: lime wedge

  ½-inch piece fresh ginger (sliced)

  1 teaspoon sugar (optional)

  Place the drink ingredients in a cocktail shaker and dry shake vigorously. Add ice and shake again. Strain over fresh ice in a highball glass. Garnish with a lime wedge and ginger slices.

  Witch Hunt

  So you look up your horoscope every day and have recently been getting into palm reading. That doesn’t mean you’re a witch! But if you want to play into that persona, despite your friends’ teasing, order this drink. Maybe you’ll develop witchy powers that will help you speed up time so you can be done with this night.

  1½ ounces Scotch whisky

  ½ ounce dry vermouth

  ¼ ounce Strega Liqueur

  1 ounce lemonade

  Build the ingredients in an old-fashioned glass filled with ice. Stir well.

  Screaming Orgasm

  Shock all of the conservative busybodies whose invasive questions are getting on your last nerve by ordering this shot! What makes this a screamer is the vodka added to the liqueurs. Hopefully that little extra kick will get you through the rest of the evening!

  ¼ ounce vodka

  ¼ ounce amaretto liqueur

  ¼ ounce coffee liqueur

  ¼ ounce Irish cream liqueur

  Pour the ingredients into a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake well. Strain into a shot glass.

  Red Wine with Ice Cubes

  Blend in with the married women in your family with this classic Mom Drink. Maybe this camouflage will hide you long enough for people not to notice your bare left hand and barren womb.

  Glass of red wine of your choice

  2 to 3 ice cubes

  Combine and chug it down before the ice waters down the wine. (Bonus points: Drink with a sympathetic but knowing look on your face as you listen to the other women complain about their husbands and children!)

  VIII. Single, Not Sorry

  Here’s the thing: no matter what kind of shenanigans you have to endure as a single person—third-wheeling, unwanted matchmaking and meddling, bad blind dates, or suffering through social events alone—there are still so many reasons why being single is awesome, and, in many ways, better than being in a relationship. Never apologize for being single! Be proud of it.

  SEASONAL ACTIVITIES WITH A PARTNER VERSUS ALONE

  Some people think that the holiday season is the saddest time for single people, but true single people know that each season has the potential to be soul-crushingly sad! Luckily, there’s no reason to be, because Cute Seasonal Activities done in pairs are actually super overrated and honestly, it’s better just to do them alone, or with literally any other person in your life—friends, family, your favorite barista, you name it. Sure, fights between those people can certainly happen, but at least you don’t have to go home with them later! Anyone who’s said that the warehouse pickup section of IKEA is the place where relationships go to die clearly has never stepped foot near a cutesy outdoor ice-skating rink in December.

  SPRING ACTIVITY: HIKING TOGETHER VERSUS PICNIC IN THE PARK ALONE

  If You’re in a Relationship: Ah, spring, or as I call it, posthibernation. Time to shake off those hermit habits and reemerge into the world with the sun. Alas, it seems like everyone and their snow-bunny-turned-significant-other are also out there showing that they’re still in peak physical fitness, because your Instagram feed is absolutely cluttered with pictures of couples posed together on mountaintops or cliffs or whatever, aglow with both sweat, but most importantly, their Love™. Don’t despair, especially if you’re viewing those pictures while you’re still pantsless, in bed, at 1 p.m. on a Saturday, eating from a bag of chips that was left on your bed the night before after you fell asleep, marathon-watching episodes of The Good Place again. What Instagram isn’t showing you is that those couples most definitely argued about at least one thing, if not multiple things, leading up to those victorious-in-love-and-life pictures: Where to Hike: “But, babe,” one of them whined to the other, “the views are much better at Death Hill Mountain. It’s a better backdrop for the Insta.”

  What to Wear: “We can’t be matchy-matchy, but we should also wear complementary colors” is a sentence that I’m sure was uttered. “Also, one of us can’t be in Nike while the other is in Adidas—that’s not what a unified house looks like.”

  How Early to Go: “But do we really need to go at sunrise? Those pictures will end up blurry, anyway.”

  Which Trail to Take: Obviously there are those Super Couples who do marathons together and stuff, but let’s assume here that most couples have different levels of fitness. The trail that they eventually pick will either bore one person or completely kill the other.

  How Fast to Walk: Besides different fitness levels, let’s also assume that their legs and strides vary! Someone is ab
solutely getting left behind and their faster partner will definitely not notice until much, much later. Rest assured that after the photos were taken, chosen, filtered, cropped, and posted, the couples made their way back down that mountain in complete and total silence, both vowing internally never to hike with the other person again.

  If You’re Single: Dust off that yoga mat you’ve used about three times, because that’s good enough to use as a picnic blanket, right? (You wouldn’t dare use your soft bed blankets—those are precious and you’re not a monster.) Pour the bottle of rosé that’s been literally chilling in your fridge since the night before into your opaque water bottle so your imbibing can be on the down-low, and stuff your tote bag full of whatever you picked up at Trader Joe’s last week. Hop a bus or walk to your favorite park, where you know exactly which spot is the best for dog-watching. Maybe you’ll read a few chapters of that paranormal hockey romance you downloaded (it was free and the guys on the cover were hot, never mind that they’re Photoshopped to the gills) while drinking and texting some of the most outlandish lines to your friends. If you’re really lucky, an enthusiastic dog might wander over and you can flirt with its cute owner while they apologize profusely.

  You end up falling asleep, and maybe you’re a little sunburnt when you wake up (despite the moisturizer with SPF that I know you put on earlier, right?), but once the redness fades a little you know you’ve set yourself up for a solid base tan to start off the warm seasons with. Maybe you Insta-storied a shot of your picnic spot with whatever’s been dubbed the preemptive song of the summer with a pithy little caption, or you didn’t and life goes on. Either way, good job!!

  SUMMER ACTIVITY: ROAD TRIP TOGETHER VERSUS BEACH DAY WITH FRIENDS

  If You’re in a Relationship: Going on an extended trip is a bold move for any relationship, platonic or not, and going on a road trip is especially bold: stuck in a small space that you can’t escape for hours on end, in which you’re subjected to someone else’s particular car habits, and, even worse, they’re subjected to yours? The idea of being known has never been more mortifying, I’m sure. But hey, the Insta of that Starbucks cup with the dashboard and accompanying sunrise in the background on day one, hour one, is too good to pass up, am I right? If both people are Type A (meticulously planned playlists, bathroom breaks, estimated spots of heavy traffic, and snacks and backup car supplies all in a freshly washed, dusted, and vacuumed car) or Type B (half-reliable USB cord for a phone playlist, an overreliance on the Waze app, and the only snacks are leftover Cheetos from the night before stuffed in between the various coats, shoes, take-out menus, and plastic or reusable grocery bags that clutter the backseat), then that couple will probably get through their trip relatively unscathed. But if that couple is a mixture of the two, then whooo, buddy, get ready for World War III, as taken place in one 2012 Barcelona-red Toyota Prius.

  Everything from the playlists (has someone been meticulously curating a Spotify playlist for weeks, only to have every selection scoffed at by their partner?) to the amount and timing of bathroom breaks (the best and cleanest places to pee were absolutely researched by one person, while the other is fine with playing rest-stop roulette—and couldn’t they have gone when they stopped for gas thirty minutes ago, anyway?) is debated, and things only go downhill from there! Soon, the reason for said road trip will be called into question (if they’re headed to visit someone’s family and hometown, someone’s high school ex will most definitely be brought up and weaponized; if it’s to a particular vacation spot, one person will undoubtedly declare that they never wanted to go there in the first place). By the time they get to where they’re going, it’ll be a miracle if they haven’t broken up, let alone arrived with minimal tension. Resentment levels will skyrocket, just like the price of gas, no matter how fuel efficient that Prius is. To those brave enough to road-trip with someone they’re not legally bound to (or even if they are!), good luck, because you’re going to need it.

  If You’re Single: In many ways, summer can be absolutely terrible: every pore on your body makes itself known by secreting liquid, like you’re a frog (no offense to frogs), and suddenly everyone wants to socialize, like, all the time: barbecues, rooftop happy hours, late-night barhopping, movies in the park… And sure, in theory that all sounds great, but it seems to come all at once, and your glorious visions of napping in the sun are gone with the spring. But! You know what’s fun? Beach (or pool, or lake) days with friends. Picture it: you and a select group of friends round up old and new copies of The New Yorker or Cosmo or that one book you’ve been meaning to read for about six months now; pack some beer, chips, and sandwiches and SPF of varying degrees (and aloe!); and pile into a car for a brisk jaunt to the shore. You’re living your best life with brand-new sunglasses, a swimsuit that makes you feel glam, and that huge beach towel your mom got you at Costco that is not glam but is so comfy it almost feels like a blanket, and you and your friends are belting out old-school Britney Spears and new-school Carly Rae Jepsen like you’re eighteen again and/or starring in a Disney Channel Original Movie.

  In the spirit of full honesty, it might not be perfect: your friend’s hat could fly off and the beach might be overrun with children, but you will find a spot, and you will have a great time, and you will find yourself and all your friends in the ocean, jumping through the waves and feeling more refreshed than you’ve felt in ages. And going home, you’ll be exhausted in that perfect way that comes with spending the day outdoors and in the sun; and tonight, you’re going to sleep like a baby. You are absolutely doing summer right.

  FALL ACTIVITY: HAUNTED HOUSE TOGETHER VERSUS PUMPKIN PATCH WITH YOUR DOG

  If You’re in a Relationship: Why lie: this will inevitably end in tears. As an unashamed and unrepentant scaredy-cat, a haunted house sounds to me like the absolute worst fall activity that one could partake in, but people like what they like, and in the words of country songstress Kacey Musgraves, “follow your arrow wherever it points,” even if it points directly into the mouth of hell. If you force someone who hates haunted houses to go, no, they will not decide they suddenly like it, and no, despite your teenaged fantasies, clutching your partner’s arm is not romantic for either partner! The scared person will be terrified, and the not-scared person will end up with a viciously bruised arm and probably a bruised eardrum from the horrified screeches of their partner. Even worse is if the not-scared person is unsympathetic about the terror the scared person is undergoing. Yes, we scared people understand that nothing about it is real, and yes, we expect people to jump out at us, but we Simply! Don’t! Like! It! Sorry, our brains have been evolutionarily hardwired to be prepared for danger. We know that we will absolutely be the first to die in a zombie apocalypse! We can’t help these things, they just are!

  Look, the solution here is simple: if someone likes haunted houses, they should go with people who also enjoy them. Everyone involved (and not involved!) will have so much more fun that way.

  If You’re Single: You know what’s decidedly not scary and is actually just freaking adorable? Going to a pumpkin patch—with your dog. Hop in the car with your favorite furry friend (borrowing one from a human friend is also acceptable, and I suppose the human friend can come along, although that’s not the point of this scenario) and head out to a local pumpkin patch of choice (make sure you call ahead to confirm they will allow your esteemed companion). Once there, grab a roasted corn on the cob and let your doggo follow their nose wherever it points. Snap some pics of pup among the pumpkins; show the people in relationships how a Charlie Brown and Snoopy face cutout picture should look, thanks; and if you’re feeling brave, venture into the corn maze. Make sure you pick up after your pet and know how much walking they can handle (especially the little pups!), and bask in a fight- (and fright-!) free afternoon. You’ve both earned it!

  WINTER ACTIVITY: ICE-SKATING TOGETHER VERSUS GINGERBREAD HOUSE–MAKING WITH FAMILY

  If You’re in a Relationship: Whether you live in a big city, a chill subur
b, or a rural town, my guess would be that you live near, have access to, or at least have heard of a temporary man-made ice-skating rink for the holiday season being created for—God, I don’t know, festive cheer? A moneymaking Ponzi scheme? Whatever you call taking the money of unsuspecting patrons in exchange for a couple hours of absolute agony on your ankles, soles, and nerves. Many of us who are able have done and endured this “time-honored tradition,” this picturesque, romanticized form of exercise/torture, and whether or not we ended up enjoying it or sulking at a nearby hot-chocolate stand, we’ve all witnessed the lovey-dovey couples who swarm the place like hipsters at a new farm-to-table restaurant. There are many dangers at an ice-skating rink, including wild, zooming children; incredibly uncoordinated amateurs; and overconfident “I took skating lessons for three months ten years ago” show-offs, etc., but none are more dangerous or exasperating than That Couple, who are simultaneously clinging to both the rink edge and each other while trying to take the ideal photo and not fall down. Equally horrifying is that, if they happen to be a straight couple, the man then may try to skate backward while clasping hands with the woman while he “teaches” her how to skate, but in reality he is just as terrible as she is. Being god-awful at something as difficult as ice-skating isn’t a crime, but it becomes one when you both put other people unnecessarily at risk and are incredibly annoying/into PDA! Do everyone a favor, and just sign up for couples’ ice-skating lessons.