Single and Forced to Mingle

by Melissa Croce

  If You’re Single: Holidays can be rough, and many times being with certain family members only makes it worse instead of better. Like, for the love of God, Uncle Ted, stop pretending you’re a political pundit. That said, whoever you consider to be family can, and should, partake in gingerbread house–making with you. Set the mood by wearing your favorite cozy (but okay-to-get-wrecked) sweater, turning on your favorite Christmas (or anti-Christmas) music, and making a huge batch of mulled wine. If you’re the host, all the better, because you can be festive, spend quality time with people you actually enjoy, and not have to go anywhere. It’s a foolproof plan. Bonus points if you buy a village’s worth of gingerbread house kits from Michaels or Trader Joe’s and you turn it into a (very fun, very lighthearted—you’re not an idiot, no need to tempt fate) contest.

  And if you’re like, “Oh, no, I’m not artistic or good at these things at all,” let me be frank: no one cares. Remember those days in school when you would slather together frosting and graham crackers around washed-out milk cartons your teachers made you collect the month before? Everyone’s house was terrible and that’s how it should be. The blessedly beautiful thing about gingerbread houses is that there’s no “coloring inside the lines” mentality here, no neat stitches or any actual skills necessary. Go hog wild with the Skittles and gumdrops; eat half the frosting and use the other half to write “Grinches Only” on the side of your dilapidated-looking roof; or get a huge bag of shredded dried coconut, toss half of it onto your house, and declare it a snowed-in cabin in the woods. It’s all Art™!

  OLYMPICS FOR SINGLE MILLENNIALS

  For years boomers told us, as they handed us our Participation trophies (ones they made, by the way, not ones that we asked for), that everyone is talented in their own way, that everyone is special. Not everyone can hit a ball with a bat or run very fast or sing very well, but that’s okay! Everyone is good at something, and it’s just fine if you haven’t figured out your talent yet.

  As a kid, I believed adults who told me that stuff, and then I grew up and realized it was (well-meaning, but misguided) crap. Now, perhaps, I’m realizing that maybe boomers weren’t too far off base, after all. Perhaps we do have all our own talents; there just aren’t the proper outlets to showcase and recognize them all properly.

  Well, if I were in charge, I would change that, at least a little bit. For instance, forget Olympics that are purely athletic-based. Boring. Don’t we have enough sports, like, all the time? What about showcasing the talents of the Average Joe, the Everyman (should I call them Jolympics? No? I’ll workshop it…). Granted, I can’t promise it would be super exciting to watch, but hey, I would also bring back those cute little trophies, and that’s something, right?

  Categories would include:

  Longest Dating App Message-Convo that Never Led to a Date IRL

  Most Elaborately Constructed Fantasy in the Shower

  How Many Relatives at a Family Reunion Tried to Set You Up with Their Neighbor/Acquaintance

  How Many Days You Can Go Without Washing Your Hair (but It Still Looks Acceptable in Public) Post-Breakup

  How Many Meals You Can Make This Chinese Takeout Last

  Most Random Places You Can Fall Asleep

  Longest Netflix Binge Period

  Most Conspicuous Irish Exit at an Engagement Party

  How Many of Your Tinder Matches Are Actually Just Hunting for a Third in a Threesome

  Lasts the Longest When Talking to Meddling Relatives

  Longest Nap in a Bed All by Yourself

  Number of Dates It Takes for the Bartender at Your Designated “First Date Bar” to Recognize You on Sight

  A LIST OF PLACES YOU CAN TRAVEL TO SINCE YOU’RE SINGLE AND CHILDLESS

  Sometimes even Singles can catch a break and get away from the masses and forced mingling, and there’s no arena in which Singles shine more than vacationing. This is when you absolutely do not want a family, let alone a significant other, to appease while you take advantage of your precious time away! So where are the best places to go as a single person sans children?

  Italy: Have you ever been to a local Olive Garden and seen a grubby toddler in a sticky high chair try to eat pasta with their hands? You may try to avoid looking directly into the intense and often soulless eyes of children when at all possible, but this is an experience that should be viewed at least once—it’s more revolting than any Saw movie. The carnage that is marinara sauce and chunks of tomato, splattered on every square inch of that toddler’s body (and the high chair, and the floor, and probably the wall closest to them), is one that you won’t be able to forget anytime soon. That said, could you imagine taking one of those mini pasta demons to Italy with you? You should be able to eat your perfectly al dente pasta in peace, dammit! We want our Italian vacation to be Lady and the Tramp, not Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp’s Adventure (essentially the same movie, but with their children). Travel Tip: Use your savings to buy a ticket to Italy, rather than a new car seat, and eat three bowls of pasta per day in perfect silence.

  The United Kingdom: What do people in the United Kingdom even do besides drink in pubs, watch soccer (“footie”) matches (also alcohol-soaked), and drink tea? Who can honestly say (Taylor Swift, help an American girl out?), but could you imagine children liking any of those things? Halfway through the soccer game the kid would need, like, a nap, or a sandwich, or just complain about when the game would be over. It’s like, “Excuse me, small human, do you not think that I, too, would not like a nap or a sandwich at this time??” And it’s doubtful that people traveling with children ever get any naps at all. The horror! Travel Tip: In your singledom, go to the UK, live your best Bridget Jones wine-filled life, and nap every day from 3 to 5 p.m. before enjoying London’s best nightlife.

  Hawaii: Hear me out—many, many people vacation in Hawaii with their families. It’s also likely that many of them actually enjoy said vacations and love bringing their children along! But consider instead: not. Rather than being woken up at 6 a.m. to the sight of duck-themed floaties being shoved in your face as their tiny owners screech to go to the beach, you can actually sleep in on your vacation! A concept! Beach time can be spent lounging in a chair, reading the latest “dad thriller” and/or “mom romance” without actually being a dad or mom! You can devote your full attention to your novel/mai tai/tanning regimen, and not have to play lifeguard/sand castle mediator/toy rescuer. Travel Tip: Go to a beach where you can truly pretend you’re on a deserted island, away from the masses.

  Anywhere: Literally anywhere. The world is your oyster! There are definitely parts of the world in which it’s good to travel with someone else, but despite adhering to the beloved kindergarten tradition of the “buddy system,” said buddy doesn’t actually need to be in kindergarten! You can do a walkabout of the Rockies, Wild-style; brave the peaks of Peru and see Machu Picchu; stay up all night karaoke’ing and then spa’ing in Korea; go on a Mexican cruise (heavy on the tequila); tour a Kenyan wildlife sanctuary; drink wine on the French Riviera; and even, despite what some haters say, take yourself on a Disneyland/Disney World vacation! Granted, there will be so many children there, but there’s something perversely gleeful about being able to Fast Pass your heart out, get drunk at Epcot, and go back for more, all while staring into the faces of miserable, exhausted parents everywhere and being able to thank your lucky stars that their fate isn’t yours. Travel Tip: Treat yo’self, and only yo’self.

  PATRON SAINTS OF SINGLE PEOPLE, BOTH REAL AND FICTIONAL

  It’s a tough world out there, and it’s really only natural that sometimes we mere mortals turn to divine intervention/salvation for help and guidance in the messes we’ve made of our lives.

  Sometimes praying to the Big Guy doesn’t quite cut it, though: specificity and solidarity are required, which is where the Patron Saints of Single People come in. Spanning through real-life figures and pop-culture icons (both real and fictional), while not all of them are necessarily single, they all have Been There
and can provide excellent guidance and comfort in times of trouble.

  LIZ LEMON

  Patron Saint of the Socially Awkward

  Oh, Liz. For seven seasons of 30 Rock, her boss Jack Donaghy, and many people around her, would despair of her and her utter lack and/or blatant disregard of social cues and boundaries. As she once famously said, “Ain’t no party like a Liz Lemon party because a Liz Lemon party is mandatory!” She also once welcomed it when people booed her because she knew she was “right.” To be honest, it’s shocking she even bothered attending any parties at all, since everyone knows she’d rather be at home “working on her night cheese.” Liz is (and I say this with love) a gross little gremlin of a woman who’d rather eat cheesy blasters with her mouth full than be a functional human being. And yet, Liz is all of us, at least some small part of us that we try to repress for the sake of humanity and social niceties, something Liz never bothered getting the hang of because she simply didn’t care. But I’m here to say that she is, and you are, valid. Light a candle for Liz when you have to go to some social event you really don’t want to attend and are mentally and emotionally not feeling it. I’m not saying stuff some cheesy blasters in your mouth so you don’t have to talk all night, but fortify yourself in the armor of someone like Liz who is socially awkward and yet doesn’t care at all. In its own weird way, that’s confidence. Mantra: “Blerg.” (Repeat in the style of Om.)

  LESLIE KNOPE

  Patron Saint of Single-Minded Determination

  Leslie Knope has one goal: to be a public servant in the government and be the best she can be. She takes a lot of twists and turns during the entirety of Parks and Recreation, with various setbacks both personal and professional, but she never loses sight of her goal, and she never gives up. Even some of her setbacks turn into opportunities. Light a candle for Leslie when you’re feeling like things professionally might seem hopeless and you need some optimism for the short term so you can plan for the long term anew. Mantra: “Do it. Fierce. Power.”

  AMY SANTIAGO

  Patron Saint of Working the System

  Perhaps less well-known than other Mike Schur–created TV heroines, Amy Santiago of Brooklyn Nine-Nine is no less formidable for it. A police sergeant, she’s like the Cuban American version of Hermione Granger, if Hermione Granger traded in her wand for a gun and taser, that is. An unapologetic “nerd,” as her love interest would call her, Amy is all about following the rules, or at least knowing them all so she can bend them to her will, if the situation calls. Ask for Amy’s guidance when you need the reminder that while there are many systems in this trash fire of a world that should be burnt to the ground and rebuilt, unfortunately, for now, you have to work within them to get things done. Mantra: “Bureaucracy is a beautiful puzzle waiting to be cracked.”

  ELLE WOODS

  Patron Saint of Personal Evolution

  When the flawless classic film Legally Blonde begins, Elle Woods is content to be known as Delta Nu’s president and her boyfriend Warner’s future trophy wife. When he unceremoniously dumps her for someone “less of a Marilyn [Monroe] and more of a Jackie [Kennedy],” Elle’s dreams shift to become more in line with what she thinks Warner wants. As we all know, over the course of the movie her dreams and ambitions evolve to be what she wants, which is entirely different from where she began. Think of Saint Elle when you feel stuck and bored with your life. Applicable to both career and fashion choices, remember to take risks and be open-minded if you want to truly change and evolve. Mantra: “Trust me, I can handle anything.”

  CRISTINA YANG

  Patron Saint of Unrepentant Ambition

  Cristina Yang of Grey’s Anatomy is a smart-mouthed, loyal-as-hell, excellent surgeon whose glorious mane of curly hair is almost as big as her genius brain. Like Leslie Knope, Cristina Yang knows exactly what she wants and is determined to get there at all costs and setbacks, even if they’re difficult. When her on-again, off-again husband and lover Owen Hunt wants to have children, which Cristina has never wanted, Cristina knows that it would change everything, especially her goals. No matter how much she loves Owen, she stands firm in her decision, and ultimately chooses her career over him. Turn to Cristina Yang when someone wants you to waver on something you feel strongly about, especially if it’s your goals and dreams, and you need the strength to push back and stand firm. Mantra: “Pretty good is not good enough. I wanna be great.”

  PHRYNE FISHER

  Patron Saint of Rule-Breaking

  If you’ve never heard of or watched Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, I can say with 100 percent certainty that you’re missing out. Set in 1920s Australia and based on a popular series of murder-mystery books, this TV series follows Phryne Fisher, a spitfire “lady detective” who defies typical convention by refusing to be a proper genteel spinster, and instead runs around Melbourne solving murders while brandishing her own golden gun and taking many (many) lovers. Phryne tosses her sleek-black-bobbed head at the expectations that others constantly try to put on her, breaking rules like she breaks hearts. Pray to Phryne when you’re in the mood to defy outdated societal conventions (like the patriarchy!) and need the confidence and strength to do so. Mantra: “I dance to no one’s tune.”

  SAMANTHA JONES

  Patron Saint of Unashamed Sexual Energy

  Even if you’ve never watched Sex and the City, it was basically a given that you had to know if you were a “Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, or Miranda.” In my experience, very few people proudly proclaimed they were a Samantha, which is a bit of a shame, because in my opinion Samantha is a pretty awesome person to be. While she was more than just her sexcapades, there’s no denying that Samantha Jones was, first and foremost, portrayed as a sexual creature. Not only was she unashamed of her own desires, she was fearless in voicing them, both to her sexual partners in the boudoir and to her friends outside of it. She was a woman who knew exactly what she liked and had no trouble voicing it—you could even call her the poster child for explicit and enthusiastic consent on TV. Call upon Samantha when you find yourself in need of that sexual confidence in your life. Mantra: “I am done with great love, now I’m back to great lovers.”

  BEYONCÉ

  Patron Saint of Planning

  What makes Beyoncé so good at what she does (besides being incredibly talented and driven) is her excellent creative vision, her care and purpose in everything she does, her eye for the details in her performances, and her meticulous planning of them. She can take massive projects that seem overwhelming and make them look flawless. If you’ve ever seen the Beychella documentary, you’ve had the behind-the-scenes look at what it took to pull off her Coachella takeover and know that she’s a woman who knows all angles of her craft and excels at it. Pray to Bey when you’re in the weeds with a tough project and need the stamina to see it through or the creativity to look at it from another angle. Mantra: “It’s not about perfection. It’s about pur-pose.”

  ARIANA GRANDE

  Patron Saint of Moving On

  I mean, is this one really that big of a surprise? That girl has had so many ups and downs, I’m sure you know all of them, and a good chunk have involved her romantic partners. I’ve heard people say that a failed relationship feels like they wasted time on someone, and while it’s certainly true that people can be in relationships that they should’ve left sooner, it doesn’t mean that just because a relationship fails it was a waste of time. Just like mistakes, there are lessons to be learned in every relationship, and no one knows that more than Ari. She is absolutely the person to turn to after a terrible breakup, no matter what stage you’re in; she will advocate patience and kindness to yourself and magnanimity to your exes. Mantra: “Thank you, next.”

  SHONDA RHIMES

  Patron Saint of Saying Yes

  The creator of iconic shows like Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, How to Get Away with Murder, etc., the Empress of Shondaland didn’t get to where she is by playing it safe and never taking risks. She obviously covered that in
her book Year of Yes, but the point of her book wasn’t necessarily about saying “yes” to everything, it was about doing what was best for yourself to live the best life you could, whether that meant taking care of your own needs and interests or taking risks. So say a little prayer to Shonda if what you need is the confidence and strength to build the best life you can. Mantra: “Be brave. Be amazing. Be worthy.”

  CARRIE FISHER

  Patron Saint of Bravery and Badassery

  Perhaps the only woman more formidable and strong than the ass-kicking, Empire-destroying, take-no-nonsense Princess Leia is the woman who played her, Carrie Fisher (RIP, MAY SPACE MOM REST IN PEACE, WE LOVE YOU, SPACE MOM. SO TRAGIC HOW SHE DIED IN THE MOONLIGHT, STRANGLED BY HER OWN BRA). Carrie Fisher always spoke her mind, and was incredibly open about her struggles with addiction and mental health, long before people became more open with the subjects. In addition to being an all-around badass, she took no shit from anyone. One time when she found out a producer was harassing her friend, she sent him a severed cow tongue in a box as a warning. What’s not to love! Neither Princess Leia nor Carrie Fisher ever shied away from anything, no matter how tough. Call on Carrie when you need to be brave, and, like the Force, she’ll guide you! Mantra: “Stay afraid, but do it anyway.”

  MAXINE WATERS

  Patron Saint of Reclaiming Time

  It was the line heard ’round the internet when, in 2017 during a House Committee on Financial Services meeting, Congresswoman Maxine Waters stonily and succinctly said to then–Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin that she would be “reclaiming [her] time” after his attempts to stall her questioning. It was a phrase that many people identified with, whether it was specific to men mansplaining to women or meetings that could be emails. Make entreaties to Maxine when you need to do the tough thing and reclaim your time, and not just from your enemies, but from people who are important to you, like your friends, family, or significant others. It’s important to set and enforce boundaries for your own health, and Maxine will give you the strength to do it. Mantra: “Do what your heart and soul tell you to do.”