Something I'm Waiting to Tell You

by Shravya Bhinder

  Go after what you truly want, do not settle.

  If you do not want something, just say no; but if you do, do not wait for it to come to you.

  Ronnie

  Well, I recall hearing a one-liner in a very popular Hindi movie and that was what was happening in my life at that moment—‘Old Villain, Re-entry!’

  After not more than fifteen minutes, at seven-thirty, Sid and I were on a video call. I was at his mercy again. I needed his help, and I knew that no amount of ego could help me come out of the situation. I had to keep my ego aside and accept his help graciously. He was being nice by agreeing to help me out and was the bigger person. We awkwardly waited in silence for Adira to join the call. As soon as she joined, he morphed into Mr Charming and I was the donkey from Shrek, laughing to cover my lack of charm and showing all my teeth. The call lasted half an hour and Sid fixed the slides for us as I coughed my way through the conversation. He was very good at what he did, and I knew that, if we had met under different circumstances, we could have worked together. But he was interested in Adira and many other girls at the same time and that meant he had to be away from me.

  Several times during the call, he mentioned that he was doing the favour only because of Adira and I understood that. While I did understand him and his favours, my mind plotted ways to kill him but only after he had done my work, that too for free. I coughed a few times and Adira asked me to drop off the call. I did as I was told, mainly because he was done with the corrections on TeachMee’s slides and I was not planning to stay there and listen to his lame attempts to woo her again. They were still talking after five minutes and that was when I closed my eyes to give them rest.

  It was ten at night when I woke up. My body hurt and my throat ached. I peeped out of the door to find Adira’s mother still awake. She turned around to look at me when I coughed. Her spectacles rested on the edge of her nose. I sometimes wonder how and why do parents’ spectacles rest at the tip of their noses and everyone else’s just rest on the bridge?

  ‘I slept through dinner, I guess,’ I said in an attempt to start a conversation.

  ‘You did not, I made khichdi for you,’ she told me, getting up and switching off the TV. Within moments, I had a plate full of food and warm water delivered to my door and my growling tummy indicated that I had to eat before I thought of anything or anyone. So I listened to my body and I ate. I was surprisingly hungry, though not much better health-wise. As I ate, her mother parked herself outside; she wanted to talk about something for sure but I had no energy to ask her. I just wanted to finish my food and crawl back into bed. But this woman always got what she wanted and at that moment, she wanted me to give her a ear. So we compromised and I gave her what she wanted; that was the smart thing to do; after all, she was my landlady too.

  While I stuffed my face with food, she began telling me how much Adira had changed with my presence in the house and she meant a positive change. I didn’t want to interrupt her, but I was indeed very surprised at her statement.

  ‘I mean, she likes not just spending time with you, but you have given her a sense of purpose with this new project of yours. I had lost all hopes of her being so engaged, so involved in anything,’ she said, as I continued to eat. I nodded as I did agree with what she was saying. I had seen the changes in her too, but I didn’t talk about them out loud as I did not want to jinx anything. No, I am not superstitious as such, but when life throws many things at you that end up hurting you one after the other, every positive thing feels precious to you. This positive change in Adira was precious to me.

  Once I was done with my food, I placed my plate outside again to be picked up and went into the washroom in my room to wash my hands. I purposely spent more than the necessary time in there as I was not completely ready to face her mother again. She had started reminding me of my mother and, being so unwell, I needed my family. I didn’t want to come across as a weak man, especially not when I was living with two very strong women.

  When I finally emerged from the washroom hoping that she had gone to sleep as I really couldn’t take any more extreme emotions in my state, I saw her waiting at the door for me. There I was, almost at eleven at night, standing in front of the woman I desperately wanted to be my mother-in-law. She was looking at me with tears ready to roll down her cheeks; she was happy with the developments and so was I. We could have left it at that but no, she wanted to talk to me more about it and probably make me cry too. Why were the women in my life so adamant about making me show my emotions when all I wanted for them was happiness and laughter?

  Anyway, for obvious reasons, I couldn’t ignore her even if I wanted to. So, I did what was expected of me. I walked over to the door ensuring I stayed within the boundaries of the room and sat on the chair. I placed two masks on my face and told her that I, too, had sensed and seen Adira change and I, too, was more than elated with her happiness. She listened to me as I had listened to her, wordlessly, with just a few nods here and there.

  She then got up saying, ‘I think it is time I forgive you, she wants me to.’ Had they been talking about me? Did Adira ask her mother to make peace with me? I wondered, taking in the words. I had waited for her to say it for so long. Somewhere in my heart I always knew that Adira and I could never be together until her mother accepted me, until she forgave me for my recklessness in the past, until she wanted me to be a part of her life as a son. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that, had I been well, I would have hugged her only for her to hit me as my mother hits me when I irritate her.

  ‘Thank you . . .’ the words escaped my lips and tears fell from my eyes.

  ‘She is happy with you,’ she told me and left me with my feelings, standing at the door. I wanted to ask her if Adira was still awake. I had not heard any commotion from around her room since I had woken up. Maybe she had gone to sleep or was probably preparing for the meeting the next day. I was blessed to have her around at that time; she was working tirelessly for my dreams. She knew how important the meeting was for me and she was sacrificing her time, her sleep for me. If this was not love, then I wondered what it was. Thinking of love, thinking of us, I lost myself in the world of dreams. My nightmares were slowly leaving my side and sunny dreams were taking their place.

  Love doesn’t have to make sense, it has to make one happy, make one feel warm, make one feel complete. Love hurts and yet it is love that heals.

  Adira

  I had spent a good part of the night before the meeting contemplating, preparing for the next day. Some part of the night was also spent eavesdropping on Mummy and Ronnie. I heard my mother finally accept Ronnie’s apology. They had come a long way since the time they’d first met. They cared for each other and I knew that. The trouble was that they didn’t know that they cared for each other and over the last several months had even started liking one another like mother and son. Both of them are indispensable in my life and they both know it; they had to get along and finally they did. All it took was an accident and a pandemic for them to realize the obvious. That night, despite all the butterflies in my stomach, I felt at ease and slept soundly.

  The next morning at seven I had a meeting with Ronnie’s potential investors. He had marked an email to them saying that he would be a part of the meeting but would not be doing the talking as he was down with COVID. I knew how important the project was for him. It could make his career, but what impressed me most was the fact that his idea came from such a noble cause. His heart was in the right place even when he thought of a business and that said a lot about him. If the meeting went well, I had a surprise for him. It was going to change both our lives and I was nervous as well as excited about it.

  Sharp at seven, I logged into the call on my laptop. A four-member team from an angel investment company called Sandstorm Investors was on the call already. They had read the email from Ronnie about his health, obviously, and expressed their concern while we all waited patiently for Ronnie to join in. I texted him a few times; however, there was
no response from him. So, I asked the board members for permission to go and check if he would be joining in late. ‘Sure,’ was all a female voice on the other end said before they all muted their audio. I didn’t want to screw up the opportunity, but I still pressed mute on the call and dashed towards Ronnie’s room. As I passed the kitchen, I found Mummy making chai for herself. ‘Is Ronnie up?’ I asked her.

  ‘He has not made any noise if he is up, why?’ she asked me, confirming my suspicion that he was still sleeping, which was very unlike him. He had not been keeping well and my brain thought of all the things that could have gone wrong. ‘Ronnie,’ I called out, banging at the door. There was no response. He was a deep sleeper and under normal circumstances, I would have not been worried about him, but I was. I was worried about him and I was worried about his dream project. I knew how much its success mattered to him. I had to manage the situation so, after the third unsuccessful attempt to get him to open the door, I reached out to Mummy again. ‘Can you please try and open the door to his room? He is not answering his phone either. I need to get back on the call,’ I told her and she switched off the burner and got right to the job.

  I shook my head in an attempt to calm myself down and counted till ten. There were people on the call who were waiting for me to return to them. They were big investors and I had to ensure that TeachMee got the funding it needed, single-handedly. I could not let down Ronnie or the others involved in TeachMee. When counting till ten could not calm me down, I practised what Ronnie had once taught me, I closed my eyes and reached my happy place in my mind. My happy place was the Yarra River bridge in Melbourne where Ronnie and I had spent time together to get to know each other better. The calmness of the river and the sun bathing everything around us golden as if it was a dream. Instantly, I got my nerves under control. ‘You can do this!’ I told myself and closed the door behind me—the sound of my mother calling out Ronnie’s name to wake him up ceased in the background. All I could hear and see were the investors in front of me.

  The meeting ended in one hour; I was sweating by the end of it. As soon as I pressed the end call button, my mind drifted to Ronnie. My heart beating as if it would jump out of my body, I stepped out of the room and found Mummy still standing at Ronnie’s door. The door was still closed. ‘Sid is coming with his father, we will break open the door,’ Mummy said, pressing her hand into mine. Her palms touched my icy cold hands, making me realize how bad things could be.

  Within moments, Sid and his father were over with a few tools. They broke the lock and opened the door. I was the first one to enter the room and found him lying face down on the bed with his face in his pillow. I froze in my spot and allowed my mother to go to his side and shake him. I could not bear the sight.

  Every time I was weak, you became my strength.

  Adira

  Sometimes you think that the person you love is your world and if they leave this world, nothing will be left for you to continue living for. At other times, the same person makes you so angry that you wish you could end their lives with your own two hands. I felt the same when I realized that Ronnie had slept through the most important meeting of his life with music blaring in his ears. What looked like a dead body was his resting body and what nearly gave me a heart attack was him sleeping with Punjabi songs playing on his phone in his ears on loop.

  When Mummy shook him, Ronnie leisurely turned to face her and when he noticed that Sid and his father were there too, with tools in their hands, masks and gloves on, he scurried to get up. ‘What happened?’ he asked everyone and then immediately picked up a mask from his bedside before adding, ‘I have corona, you fools!’

  ‘We know that,’ Mummy told him with sarcasm dripping in her tone. ‘But you are also deaf, I suppose.’ She didn’t let him respond. Instead, she asked all of us barring Ronnie to step out of the room. Sid and his father went back to their home after tea and Ronnie became the butt of all jokes that afternoon. I thanked both Sid and his father with all my heart before reminding them that they should now get tested if they showed any symptoms. Under normal circumstances, I would have felt very bad for Ronnie because of his illness and the fact that his dream venture was now being handled by others, but not that day. I was furious with him! I had been so worried about him while he slept, unaware of what was happening in the world around him. He didn’t talk to me as I went over to his room to scold him after Sid and his father left. He pretended to be asleep when I could see that he was peeping from underneath the blanket. I knew that he was itching to ask about the meeting, but I was not going to tell him. He had to first apologize for being reckless. Maybe he was embarrassed with the turn of events and his foolishness, but he still had to apologize!

  In the afternoon, the usual food and chai were delivered to him by Mummy, and she couldn’t help but laugh every time she went to his room.

  At around nine at night, he opened the door of his room and shouted my name out loud. After lunch, he had been calling and texting me, but I was too angry to respond as none of his initial messages had the word ‘sorry’ in them. By the evening, I was so upset that I kept my phone in the kitchen and decided to forget about it for the rest of the day.

  ‘Tell me,’ I said, standing far from his room with my hands folded across my chest.

  ‘I am sorry,’ he said.

  ‘Okay,’ was the best I could manage without unleashing my anger on him.

  ‘You never told me what happened at the meeting.’ Finally, he wanted to know how it had gone. He had not been there when he should have been, which made me furious. However, he was still unwell and he had been losing weight since COVID had hit him.

  ‘It went okay, I guess,’ I told him, intentionally not divulging much information. It was his work; TeachMee was his brainchild so he had to do the work. He had to probe me, he had to ask questions if he needed them answered. After all, I had done him a favour.

  ‘Okay,’ he nodded, still not asking me what he wanted to know.

  ‘Anything else?’ I asked him upfront. My anger always fizzled as soon as I saw Ronnie and I felt the same happen that evening too. He looked so vulnerable and lost that it was not easy to stay angry with him for long.

  ‘Thank you for taking my place on the call; I am so sorry about the morning,’ he finally gave a proper apology and I couldn’t help but notice that he sounded a little demotivated. Was he assuming that we didn’t get the funding? Probably he was, as a lot was at stake for him.

  ‘Sure, no worries,’ I told him and turned on my heel to go back to my room, giggling. Taking a few steps in that direction, I thought of putting him out of misery. ‘By the way, they have agreed to fund TeachMee. You have an initial funding of ten million US dollars!’

  Before I met you, I didn’t have much ambition.

  But now, I want to get the moon for you!

  Ronnie

  ‘What?’ Was I hallucinating? Was this a dream? Or a dream come true? Did she say ten million US dollars!

  ‘You heard me,’ she said and vanished into her room. I could see the spring in her step; she was as excited as I was.

  I had not looked at my computer since I’d woken up. I was too terrified to check anything online or over email also. I was sure there would have been an email with the minutes of the meeting. Our investors were diligent when it came to putting everything in writing. I didn’t check anything because I wanted to know what had happened from her. She had done me a huge favour by replacing me on the call and so I thought it had to come from her.

  I sprang on to my bed, immediately fired up my computer and logged in to check my emails. There it was! An email confirming exactly what Adira had said. We had bagged our first-ever funding and TeachMee was finally going to start, develop and expand. My dream venture finally had the wings that it needed to soar high in the sky! Not caring about my high fever, I shot messages to Tamanna and Piyush and forwarded them the email too. After all, the seed money belonged to the three of us and we were equal partners. I even a
sked them if we could include Adira on board as an equal partner for all her efforts and work.

  As soon as the email went out of my mailbox, I got a call from a very elated Piyush. He was happy with Adira’s inclusion and so was his wife. I checked upon Tamanna’s health. She was COVID negative as of that day and Baby Adira was finally in her mother’s lap. I sent in a message to Adira too to let her know of her being on board. As expected, she was over the moon. She already had more than a million ideas for the app. The next several hours went in phone calls. I called my parents, spoke to my sister and her husband who were initially not very convinced with the idea but now were proud of me for going ahead with it anyway.

  Outside my room, I could hear Adira talking to her mother chirpily and telling her that she was back to work as a director. I could feel her happiness seep into me and make me a tad better. Thankfully, everyone forgave me for sleeping through such an important meeting; after all, I was still unwell.

  Later that night, I pinged Adira:

  Me: THANK YOU

  Adira: FOR WHAT?

  Me: FOR BELIEVING IN ME & TEACHMEE

  Adira: YOU A RE WELCOME

  Me: AND FOR TAKING THE CALL TODAY FOR ME

  Adira: I AM ONE OF THE DIRECTORS. WHY WOULD I HAVE NOT TAKEN THE CALL?

  Me: :-)

  Adira: YOU HAVE ANOTHER COVID TEST TOMORROW

  Me: I HOPE I COME OUT NEGATIVE. I AM FEELING MUCH BETTER ANYWAY

  Adira: YOU ARE FEELING BETTER BECAUSE I GOT YOU TEN MILLION DOLLARS

  Me: YES, THAT TOO