Something I'm Waiting to Tell You

by Shravya Bhinder

Some more of our mindless banter continued through the night. While we made some silly plans to celebrate once I was COVID-free, I knew that I had some serious planning to do. I also had to plan the most enchanting surprise for her.

  Sometimes it goes very quiet in my heart, so quiet that all I hear is your name.

  Ronnie

  A week later…

  All the fireworks around TeachMee had died down finally and we were back to business. It was the middle of July and we were anticipating monsoon rains any time. There was a lot of work. I had resigned from my regular nine-to-five job and so had Piyush. Tamanna had taken a maternity break, so she was yet to take over her role. The app needed an upgrade and the bandwidth to be able to be launched pan India. One might think that ten million dollars is a lot of money but when it gets to launching something pan India, hiring a team, and bearing the costs of initial videos that were world-class, the money was not that much. We had to go bigger and we knew that soon, we had to make it profitable. While all of this was happening, I had a very important task at hand.

  Meanwhile, I had fully recovered from COVID and had tested negative twice. So, my morning teas were now sipped in the presence of Adira and her mother. While her mother had already permitted me to be with Adira, I was yet to ask Adira if she wanted to be with me again.

  After tea, I went into my room and opened a red jewellery box. Inside it was a gold ring, a simple gold band, without a precious stone. I knew that Adira deserved the best, but I was no rich man when I bought the ring with the Rs 15,000 savings I had. I was a nine-to-five employee who had limited means. I did indeed want to give her everything that she needed and deserved and more, but for this occasion, I believed that the simple gold ring was what I should go for. The ring was a replica of her great-grandmother’s ring. She had once shown me a photo and I had taken a picture of the grainy photo with my phone. She believed that her great-grandfather and great-grandmother had a beautiful love story, something that could inspire generations to come. Her great-grandfather loved his wife to the core, and I had similar feelings for Adira. I had my mother’s trusted jeweller make the ring on order and had it since before the accident. I had hidden it under her pillow on the night of the fateful accident and never really got a chance to give it to her. And since then, I had just been waiting.

  I know waiting for the pandemic to be over would have been the wise choice, but I have waited enough for things to be perfect. Sometimes it is not what is happening around us that matters; it is what is happening within us that matters the most. I wanted to make Adira mine forever and there was no right time or place to pop the question. I just had to have the right intent, which I did.

  So, I discussed my plans with Adira’s mother, who was thrilled with the news. Had the last few weeks not happened, I would have lost my balance at her reaction, but now I knew that she liked me enough to keep me around.

  ‘What do you have in mind?’ she asked me.

  We can’t do anything fancy, but I was hoping to order in her favourite pizza from Domino’s, a quiet afternoon with you gone and a proposal,’ I told her, emphasizing the word ‘gone’.

  ‘We can’t do that, I have nowhere to go,’ she told me to my face. With COVID spreading, she hardly had a place to go to without the fear of getting infected. Under no circumstances could I ask her to risk her life just because I wished to propose to her daughter. Nodding in understanding, I absent-mindedly ran my fingers through my hair. ‘We can do this on the terrace,’ I suggested.

  ‘It is very hot on the terrace during the mornings. Adira doesn’t even want to go there for her morning exercises.’ She had raised a valid point.

  ‘It is a very hot and humid day, indeed. We can set up a few fans there in the evening and instead of lunch pizza we can do a dinner pizza,’ I suggested a more rational plan and her mother nodded in agreement this time.

  So, it was decided—I wanted the dinner to be a surprise so I quietly placed two pedestal fans on the terrace while she took a shower.

  Once the mat and a few cushions were moved, time started passing very slowly. I had never been this nervous in my entire life. People think that proposals are important in a girl’s life but they never really talk about how nerve-racking it is for a man to ask the girl he loves if she would like to spend her life with him. What if she says no? I wondered. If she says no, I will respect that, I told myself. She had the right to reject me like I had the right to feel rejected.

  All through the day, she kept talking about TeachMee, the way she thought we could strategize social media marketing, etc. She had a few companies in mind that we could outsource the work to, but my brain cells were drunk on the idea of spending my life with her. So all I did was look at her like a love-struck puppy.

  ‘Are you even listening to me?’ she asked me, upset over something. Was I listening to her? Not really, I was looking at how her earrings moved as she spoke, how the sunlight bounced off her skin and how she moved her hair away from her face. I was enchanted.

  ‘Sorry, I was thinking of something else.’ I had to be honest because I had no idea what she was trying to explain to me.

  ‘Something else? What is more important at this time than this?’ She was angry and looked at me, squinting her eyes. I wondered if I had ever told her how cute she looked when she was angry; her cheeks flushed and her nose crinkled a bit.

  ‘You,’ I said, resting my chin in my palm and looking at her closely.

  Her cheeks grew pinker, and this time not because of anger. She looked down at the notebook she had and her lush hair fell all over it and her face, covering my view. While I contemplated if it was okay to take a few strands away from her face and look her in the eye, someone stomped into the study. Of course, it was my future mother-in-law! Or at least I hoped that she would be my mother-in-law soon.

  She was there to announce lunch. Both of us followed her into the dining area quietly and parked ourselves at the table. Normally, I helped her cook and clean but Adira’s mother had insisted that I did not follow her into the kitchen that afternoon. I was surprised to see bhindi for lunch. It looked just like the one my mother made for me during summers, crunchy and spicy. Adira’s mother was making an effort, so I remembered to compliment her as soon as I took the first bite. The rest of the lunch was spent in silence with a few questions around general things bouncing across the table. It was mainly the mother and daughter talking to each other as I was busy taming the butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

  Immediately after lunch, I retired to my room to call my parents. My mother was thrilled at the prospect of me proposing and my father was happy that I was finally doing the right thing.

  ‘We have managed to get two tickets on a repatriation flight to India,’ my mother informed me, clapping her hands in happiness. ‘I want to be there for the wedding,’ she said and I had to remind her that Adira had not said yes, yet. ‘That is because you have not asked her yet! She loves you and will be very happy with you.’ Talk about Indian mothers and their blind love for their sons. I wanted to tell her that Adira deserved better but I was in no mood to argue so I changed the topic to my sister and her kids. They were all well and the call ended soon because one of her children decided to cry at the top of their lungs.

  ‘Okay bye, beta, keep us informed. Our flight is on the first of August so do not plan anything before we come back!’ She could be the brand ambassador of positive thinking. I had so much more pressure now—what would I tell them if things went south? I wondered, trying to find a playlist on Amazon Prime Music for the evening. I wanted things to be as beautiful as possible under the present circumstances. I also tried to get some flowers but that was a fail. No florist would deliver so I decided to sacrifice a few flowers from Adira’s mother’s terrace garden. She had a few different kinds of roses and a few hibiscuses that had to do the job.

  Next on my list was a peppy paneer pizza from Domino’s. It had to be cheese burst like they show in their commercial. So, I rang the nearest Do
mino’s and asked to speak to the manager. ‘I am proposing and your pizza is very important for me,’ I told Neeru, the manager. She was happy to help out and took my order of two large pizzas to be delivered sharp at seven. It was six-thirty by the time I was done with all the preparations upstairs. Every time I went up and down the stairs Adira eyed me suspiciously and I wondered whether her mother had stabbed me in back and revealed my secret.

  There was little I could do, so I took a quick shower, dressed in a plain white shirt and denims, and put the ring in my pocket. The plan was to present the ring after we ate the pizza. I knocked on her door and she walked out dressed in a lilac salwar kameez, her hair loose and the bracelet was the only accessory that I had eyes for.

  ‘You look stunning,’ I told her the moment I regained my speech.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said promptly. ‘So where are you taking me?’ she asked, draining the colour from my face. She knew! I looked around to see her mother who just shrugged as if telling me that it was all my fault that the surprise was ruined.

  ‘Do not look at her like that. She told me only when I pestered her enough!’ Adira said.

  ‘Is that so?’ escaped my mouth as I threw daggers with my gaze towards her mother.

  ‘Yes,’ Adira said and intertwined her hands in mine. ‘Mummy said that you are planning a dinner with just you and me, so where are we going?’ she asked, breaking the trance I was sliding into since she had touched me.

  ‘Just to the terrace as there is no other place safe enough nowadays. But we need to wait for the dinner before we go upstairs.’ And just then, as if on cue, the doorbell rang. It was the guy from Domino’s. He had our order and I peeped in to make sure the pizza was, in reality, bursting with cheese, which it was. I kept a pizza and a bottle of Coke on the kitchen counter for her mother and gave her a smile which she returned. My luck that evening was great.

  Thanking my stars for making things work as per plan for once in my life, I signalled Adira to lead the way towards the terrace. Holding the railing with one hand and taking my hand with the other, she walked ahead of me. On our way up, I turned once to find her mother looking for the TV remote. She had no intention of eavesdropping and that gave me one less thing to worry about.

  When we reached the terrace, the sun was setting, casting an orange hue everywhere. I had set up a mat and a few cushions in the centre. Two fans buzzed in the background. Thankfully, the air had become misty and pleasant, too. Three sets of fairy lights lit the area around the mat making it look romantic. Those were Adira’s words, not mine. She loved the set-up and gazed at it with childlike enthusiasm as she moved forward with steady steps while I followed her with food in my hands and hope in my heart.

  We had a delightful dinner with conversations mostly around the venture and her plans for marketing it. I realized there that she was my soulmate; she was so passionate about things that I cared for that it excited me. She brought calm to my otherwise turbulent life. I also understood that evening what a soulmate should feel like in your life; they do not always bring fluttering heartbeats and crazy passion. These things come and go in a relationship, but a soulmate brings in calm and peace. They make your heart warm with love.

  By the time we polished off the pizza, it was nearly eight at night. The sun had long set, and the moonlight was dim. The fairy lights enabled us to see each other’s faces. The heat of the day had also gone completely and now the air was scented as if it had rained somewhere nearby. Under normal circumstances, a cool breeze and a full stomach are enough for me to sleep like a baby, but that evening I didn’t even want to blink for I didn’t want to miss even a single expression that came and went by on her face.

  ‘That was fun!’ she said and looked up at the sky. Her eyes were wide and sparkling, her hair now behind her ears away from her face. It was the perfect moment to propose. I fiddled in my pockets and found the ring. Holding it tightly in my palm, I let out a deep breath. You can do this! I told myself and that was the moment when she shifted her focus back to me. Her eyes sparkled as she bit her lower lip innocently as if anticipating something

  ‘I . . . I mean . . .’ I was out of words again. Why does this always happen to me? I wondered as and she raised her left eyebrow in a very quirky way. I was nervous and her actions were not making it any better for me.

  I sighed again to focus on the task at hand. I needed some distance between us to be able to talk so I stood up with a jerk and instantly regretted the decision. After sitting on the pillows, my knees didn’t like the sudden jerk and jump. I had no time to ponder over it or let the pain take me down, so I ignored my aching left knee. I decided to go down on my good right knee. She knew what was happening and I saw tears build up in the corners of her eyes. Was she happy or sad? I didn’t know because she had shielded her face with her palms as soon as she saw me looking deep into her eyes. I had to start what I finished but I still waited for her to compose her emotions. She blinked a few times and that was it.

  You might ask what that was. Well, that was the moment the skies opened up and fat drops started falling one after the other on us, drenching us and spoiling my proposal. I helped her get up and leaving the mat and the cushions where they were, we took shelter in the gazebo, with winds blowing rain everywhere. There was hardly any space for both of us to be safe from rain and my rational mind suggested that I do the right thing. The right thing was to take her downstairs, away from the rain. The proposal had to wait.

  Every time a plan fails, every time you face a rejection, remember that something greater is on its way.

  Ronnie

  Sometimes, everything happens for a reason that is meant to lead you to what is meant for you. As we walked downstairs, I saw red and silver balloons scattered on the stairs on our way down. I looked at Adira quizzically and she just shrugged; she didn’t know what was happening either. As unbelievable as it sounded, it was quite likely that her mother had decided to celebrate the proposal. What made it awkward was the fact that the said celebrated proposal had not yet taken place. Some days I am glad that my parents are not as involved in my life as Adira’s mother is in hers; that was one of those days. The woman was determined to make me look like a fool and spoil what I had planned to be the most memorable moment of my life.

  Pushing through the balloons, we managed to reach the living room. Her mother was nowhere to be seen. The best course of action was to now get down on my knee again and propose to her before her mother paraded back into the living room. But Adira beat me to it. The moment I turned to face her, my jaw dropped. Adira stood with her hand stretched out and a golden band in her palm. ‘You remember I told you about my great-grandfather?’ she asked and I just nodded. ‘This is the ring that my badi dadi gave to him. He wore it every day of his life. I believe that no man can be a better husband, father, or friend than him. I want what my great-grandparents had and I want that with you because even though we have made mistakes in this relationship, our love is greater and more powerful than all of them,’ she said in one breath and exhaled. I didn’t have any words to add; she had said it all and she had done that better than I would have. I just fished out the ring. ‘We think alike and we plan alike too,’ I said. ‘I had planned to propose to you with this ring, hoping that you would say “yes”.’

  Laughing and crying simultaneously, we exchanged rings in the presence of her mother, who, by the way, had been listening to everything from the kitchen like a sly cat. She had been the one who had blown up all the balloons and planned it with Adira while she also planned my version of the proposal. I was glad that her mother was on my side now as, under no circumstances, did I want to be on the hit list of a woman who makes plans in such cunning ways and ensures that she meets her goals one way or the other. As we hugged, I felt calmness bathe me.

  It is important to learn how to forgive. She forgave me because she has a big heart. It is also imperative that we learn to forgive ourselves. Most times we are ruthless with ourselves. We must learn to be kin
d when we look back at our actions and let things go.

  Mistakes are a part of us, but they are not everything that we are made up of.

  Past mistakes should not define and dictate everything for the rest of our lives.

  Present

  On the 3rd of May 2021, Adira and Ronnie got married at Ronnie’s house in Delhi. Adira wore her mother’s wedding saree and her teary-eyed mother gave her daughter away and did her kanyadaan. Ronnie’s immediate family managed to fly down and Tamanna, Piyush, and Baby Adira were present too. It was a small Hindu ceremony followed by lunch. Not every love story needs a lot of noise around it. The highlight of the wedding was the ring-bearer, Samba. He followed guests around, stopping for snack breaks and pats and then passed out next to the couple as they sat for the pheras next to the holy havan kund.

  Adira’s leg remains a reminder of the accident but her heart has moved on. Ronnie’s start-up has gained a lot of coverage in the tech market and all the directors are happy to contribute their working hours towards making it a bigger brand. As I write this last note, Ronnie and Adira are expecting their first child and are in America for a client meeting. The couple plans to shuttle between India and America as they expand their business horizons. Ronnie’s parents now fly to three continents and are enjoying their lives. Samba, being too old to travel, remains stationed at Adira’s mother’s house.

  THE BEGINNING

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