Daddy Ink

by Ali Lyda

  The real issue was that I missed Javi. Desperately. I’d found myself spending nights waiting for his truck to park in his driveway, unable to rest until I knew he was home. I’d picked up my phone a hundred times to text or call, but each time, I remembered what an asshole I’d been to him and how I needed to let him have his space. But I missed him so deeply, it ached in my chest all of the time. What was he thinking about? How much time would he need?

  “What are you thinking about?” Richard asked, pulling me back to the present.

  “Oh, just about how hard it is to date with a kid. I feel like I second-guess everything.”

  “Ah, yeah.” Richard ran a thumb around the lip of his coffee cup. “It was hard for me to get back into dating after Quinn. Like, what if I turned into a bad dad because I was so consumed with someone else?”

  “Yes!” I sat up too quickly and coffee sloshed over my hand, sending burning rivulets cascading down the skin, but I didn’t pay attention to that. “That’s exactly it! I feel guilty when I spend so much time thinking about someone who isn’t Giuliana. Isn’t she supposed to be my world?”

  Richard laughed. “I think she can be you world, and you can still be involved with someone else. It feels more like parallel worlds to me, you know? You cross over them, but each is its own thing. Your love for her is safe, and I can tell by watching you that you’re a good dad.”

  “It rarely feels like it,” I admitted.

  “I get it. Trust me, I do. It’s hard to find other men who understand. It’s all so...complicated.”

  Complicated seemed like a nice word for something that caused me so much angst. The thing was, there had been a time when it hadn’t felt so hard. When I hadn’t been worried about everything I did for Giuliana. And that had been when Javi had been there with us.

  I thought about all the times Javi had managed to do or say the right thing, and about how he’d simply stepped in and helped with her whenever I’d needed it. Javi never judged me or questioned my parenting. Richard had said it was hard to find someone who understood...but I already had found someone.

  Richard’s hand went to my knee, and I stiffened. “I’m glad we connected, Gordo,” he said, leaning close.

  I could smell the coffee on his breath and the mint of his aftershave. I knew then that he was going to try to kiss me. I didn’t waste a second before scooting back. God, I’d been so stupid.

  “I’m sorry, Richard. It was really great talking with you, but you know that parallel universe? I’ve got to go save the one that might be mine.” Quickly, I tucked Giuliana’s things into the diaper bag and scooped her up. “Come on, Little Miss G, we gotta go get Javi back.”

  Giuliana squealed and clapped her hands like she knew what I was saying. If ever there was a sign that I was making the right decision, it was that.

  Javi’s truck was in his driveway, and I pulled in right behind it. It was selfish, but I didn’t want him to run from me until I’d spoken my piece. Giuliana was thrilled to be out of the car seat, reaching up to tug at my ear as I raced us up the steps to his front door.

  I knocked hard and loud, thinking about that first night, when the music had been loud enough to feel in my teeth and anger had made me feel wild. Then, I’d hoped to set into a rude neighbor. Now, I just prayed that neighbor would let me in.

  The door opened, and Javi looked surprised to see us. But what startled us both was Giuliana, who began to babble and reach for Javi, leaning precariously in my arms to get to him. Without thinking, I handed her over, and Javi took her without question. Like he always did. And he smiled at her like holding her was the best part of his day.

  “I missed you, Little Miss G,” he crooned. She grabbed his nose.

  “I missed you, Javi,” I said, not trying to hide the remorse I was feeling. “I’ve been a complete ass, and I’m sorry, and I miss you. I know it won’t always be easy for us. There are so many hurdles we’ll cross. But I feel like what we’re building between us is strong—it has good bones, and it’s being built to last. I just… let me prove to you that you’re worth it. You’re worth it, and I will give everything I have to make sure you know it.” I paused and bit my lip. “Can I kiss you?”

  Javi sighed, his shoulders sagging. He pressed his forehead to Giuliana’s, but I saw the corners of his mouth quirk up. When he raised his heated stare to meet mine, I almost groaned in anticipation.

  “Please,” he said as he reached with his free hand to pull me to him.

  It was hard not to move as Javi’s marker moved along the delicate skin of my back. Giuliana had gone to sleep hours ago, and the doctor was right—eating a bit of cereal before her bedtime bottle was helping her get five- to seven-hour stretches of sleep at night.

  I should have been sleeping, but Javi was a welcome excuse to stay awake.

  “Stop moving,” he said before lightly swatting my buttocks.

  “It tickles,” I replied. We were in my bed, naked except for underwear. It felt so good to be touching him again, skin against skin, and to hear his voice in my ear. He was straddling me, the weight of him a welcome comfort, and he was drawing a tattoo on my back for fun. It was, aside from the occasional tickle, incredibly relaxing and intimate.

  “Don’t be a baby. Andrew sits better than you for marker tattoos.”

  “Tell me more about Andrew,” I said. Javi’s voice was rough, both from the heavy petting we’d done earlier, as well as his natural gravel timbre. I loved listening to it, the way the sounds felt like fingers stroking me. “You really seem to care about him.”

  “Andrew’s a lot like me. We struggle to c-communicate and we’ve b-both been made fun of for it.” His thighs squeezed my sides for a moment, like he was tensing against memories. But then they released, and the marker kept making its path across my skin. “Andrew at least has his mom. She tries hard for him, but he needs resources that are hard to get.”

  “I’m guessing you didn’t have any resources,” I said, thinking more about his parents, and what he’d told me in the kitchen the night of our fight. “That must have been hard… Tell me about you at his age.”

  Javi paused, sitting heavily on my ass as he thought about it. “I was in and out of foster homes a lot. S-some of them were k-kind, but maybe not prepared for the b-b-baggage I b-brought. A lot of them just wanted live-in childcare. None of them b-bothered to get me help with the s-s-stutter. It made me angry and I c-couldn’t even t-talk about it easily.”

  I was glad my face was pressed into a pillow so Javi couldn’t see the flare of hurt and anger I felt for him. When Kyle and I had begun to investigate adoption and surrogacy, the amount of work and time it took to become a foster or adoptive parent had been overwhelming. It had been one of the reasons we’d chosen surrogacy. To hear that people had undergone the tough process only to treat a foster child like live-in help infuriated me until my fists clenched hard to keep my rage in check.

  “That must have been hard,” I managed to say. “I imagine it felt like you were trapped, not only by the system, but by not feeling like you could talk to anyone.”

  Javi shifted on me, before leaning down and beginning to draw again. “Yeah. And like I was b-being rejected because of how I s-spoke. I guess I attributed being passed along t-to my parents. Like, not just being raised by d-drug addicts. My mom still used when s...s-she was pregnant. So I was b-born with it in me, you know? Growing up, I figured that failure was in my blood. Maybe I thought I was t-t-tainted.

  “People thought I was autistic. Or just s-s-slow.”

  I felt something wet hit my back and knew then that Javi was crying. But I was so proud of him for sharing with me that I didn’t want to embarrass him by calling attention to it just yet. He deserved a safe place to open up, and despite how I’d messed up in the past, I wanted to be that for him.

  “S-so I acted out like Andrew d-does. But mine got worse, and I really hurt s-s-someone. I did time in a juvenile detention facility. I d-don’t want that for him. I had a m-mentor
at a center like the one Andrew is at. But he c-came after I’d already fucked up b-b-badly.”

  When the marker didn’t resume its path on my skin, I judged it safe to roll onto my back. I turned over, pulling Javi onto my lap, and when I sat up, he hooked his ankles behind my back. I held him, gently stroking his sides and back, letting him feel whatever he needed to.

  His tears ran in wet trails down my shoulders, onto my chest. He trembled as he struggled with the memories. When his shoulders finally slowed their shaking, I asked if I could meet his mentor, wanting to know the person who’d managed to see the amazing spirit Javi had in him.

  “He d-died of cancer before I finished my apprenticeship with Reagan.”

  “Oh, Javi,” I whispered before pulling him in tight.

  I wrapped my arms around him, like I could somehow shield him from all the hurt he’d experienced. But I couldn’t. There’d been so much hurt. It was a balm to know that at least one person had been there to lift Javi up. One person had helped Javi manifest into the magnificent person he was today. But it made my heart ache to know he’d died. How much loss was Javi doomed to experience?

  I knew I had to try my best to lift him up, to reinforce the good that mentor had started. “I think he’d be so proud of you, Javi. You’ve accomplished so many great things. I’m in awe of you, you know.”

  I was rewarded with his blush, but for once he didn’t look away or diminish my compliment. It felt as if Javi had really heard me, a very welcome step in our relationship. “Hey, you mentioned during dinner that you wanted to tell me some good news? But we got distracted by Giuliana and then all the kissing.”

  “I like the kissing,” Javi said, chuckling. “But yeah, I’ve got some kick-ass news. The shop is going to be featured on TV—some network is c-coming to film us and make a whole episode about the s-shop. Reagan wants me to use a client’s b-back piece as my featured piece for the s-show. It’s huge, and I’ve already put about ten hours into it, so they’ll be able to get a s-sense of what I can d-do while still having enough left that they can film me working on it, too.”

  I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and kissed his cheek, his neck, before whispering in his ear, “See? You’re amazing. And now the whole world will get to see it.”

  My cock was beginning to get hard from all the friction, and having a lapful of hot boyfriend. Having Javi this close, being able to smell his clean scent and taste the salt on his skin, sent me into a headspace that demanded more of him. All of him. I started to nuzzle his neck, pulling him closer so I could press my cock into the seam of his ass.

  “Oh, no,” he said, gently pushing me back. “I shared something b-big. It’s your turn. And lie down so I can finish your d-drawing.”

  Reaching up, I brushed some hair from his eyes. I loved looking at Javi’s eyes, the kind of hazel that leaned green when he was happy and stormy when he was upset. Giving him a quick kiss on his nose, I lay down and rolled back on my belly, peeking over my shoulder as I admitted, “I never planned on being a single parent.”

  One of his eyebrows lifted in question, and I smiled. “I was married for six years. Kyle—my ex-husband—and I talked long and hard about whether to have a child. He was unhappy with where he was in life, and I think he thought having a baby would give him a purpose.

  “We settled on in vitro using a surrogate. We saved a long time to afford the process, and it took several rounds before the surrogate got pregnant with a viable baby. That particular round, it had been my semen.”

  The marker, which had been moving quickly, slowed. “That shouldn’t have mattered,” Javi said.

  “I don’t know if it did, officially. But I suspect that he felt cheated, that he was supposed to have a baby, and he didn’t feel like he was, now. Before we could truly talk about it, though, he left. It was abrupt. The surrogate was barely three months pregnant when he asked me for a divorce.”

  “Shit,” Javi whispered.

  “Shit, indeed. And I think the surrogate panicked almost as much as I did. But I assured her I wanted the baby. We ended up becoming friends, and I was able to be there when Giuliana was born.”

  My jaw clenched when I thought about what came after. “Kyle never called. He didn’t ask about her. As soon as the divorce was granted, he virtually disappeared. One of the things that got me through it all was coming up with a plan. One where I was able to protect Giuliana and me from being hurt again. I was… I was so afraid.

  “So if you’re wondering why I kept pushing you away…” I reached back to squeeze a firm thigh with my hand. “It was because I was wildly attracted to you from the get-go.”

  Javi’s laugh was rich like velvet. “You mean the party? I thought you were going to call the cops on me.”

  “I was, actually. My brother, Mason, is a cop. But then you opened the door, and I just lost the nerve. You’ve got a really good lean, you know? The way you lean on doors and counters and stuff. It makes me melt.”

  “Note to s-self: Good lean,” Javi joked. “Well, I’m glad you were able to look past my appearance, give me a chance.”

  “Look past it? It’s one of the things I like about you, Javi. You’re so beautiful, inside and out. I know how corny that sounds, but it’s true. Aside from Giuliana, I think you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  He kissed my neck then. “Your drawing is finished. Wanna see?”

  He scooted off me and walked me over to the large, full-length mirror I had in my bedroom. When I peered over my shoulder, my breath was stolen by what I saw: Javi had perfectly captured Giuliana as she smiled, cheeks puffed and rounded. It looked so much like her that I ached at its beauty.

  Up until now I’d never considered a tattoo, but seeing my daughter’s face on my back, a reminder of the choices I’d had to make and the joy she’d brought me nonetheless, I knew it needed to be permanent.

  “Do you like it?” Javi asked, sounding more like a nervous schoolboy than the professional artist he was.

  “Are you kidding me? I love it. Would you tattoo it for real? On me?”

  Javi grabbed my hand. “Of course. It would be an honor to do it.”

  He pulled me to him and kissed me again, and it was different than the kisses before. This kiss started so soft it was a whisper, a breath, teasing me until I started chasing him, desperate for more. And he gave it. Javi kissed me like I was fine wine, like he needed to savor me.

  My cock thickened, swelling with need. But I wanted him to know how appreciative I was of his art. Of him, and all that he gave me. “I want to suck you.”

  I dropped to my knees in front of him before he could say anything and pulled his boxer briefs off, freeing the beautiful cock they’d held. It sprang out, veined and thick, the tip glistening with precum. My tongue darted out for that first taste and it was perfection, salty and musky and so very Javi.

  My lips circled the tip and I ran my tongue back and forth across the slit until Javi hissed and his hips bucked a little. Inch by inch, I took him into my mouth, being sure to lick and taste every bit of him. When he hit the back of my throat, I groaned at his appreciative, “Oh, fuck, yes.”

  I sucked hard and slow, using my hand at the base of his cock, marveling at its hardness, while I moved my mouth up and down. When I felt the tremors and twitches that signaled he was about to come, I stopped.

  Javi made a sound that was a laugh and a cry all at once. “Please,” he begged.

  But I stood and kissed him, instead, pulling off my own boxers as I did. “I need to tell you something,” I mumbled against his lips.

  “What?”

  My heart beat a hard, staccato rhythm. “I think I’m falling in love with you. And I want you to be my boyfriend.”

  Javi grinned against my mouth, those generous lips speaking without saying anything. He pushed me to the bed, and we tumbled in together, legs locking, hands and mouths roaming, until I had him on his back, my hips settled between his legs. I was slowly rocking my hips, gr
inding our cocks together. Javi looked up at me, lips kiss-swollen and beautiful.

  “I want you to make love to me,” he said hoarsely.

  I swallowed hard and kissed him again. I knew this would be different, overwhelmingly so. We’d gotten each other off before, but I hadn’t been inside of him yet. But all I knew was that as soon as he’d said those words, I needed to be.

  I grabbed lube and a condom from my bedside table. Javi took the condom from me and tore the foil with his teeth. He slid it onto my cock, stroking me as he did until I was crazy with lust. Ready to return the favor, I popped open the lube and poured a generous amount on my fingers, letting them warm it before reaching between us to stroke his hole.

  Javi gripped the sheets hard and pulled his knees closer to his chest.

  “You’re so beautiful,” I said as I put a hand on the back of one of his thighs, keeping him pinned open and wide for me.

  Then I used my free hand to slide a finger into him. I bit my lip as I watched his body swallow my digit, knowing how incredible it would look with my cock buried deep in there. He was so tight. I worked my finger in and out, letting his moans and the wiggle of his hips signal that he was relaxing. I added a second, taking my time to get him ready for me. He made the sexiest noises, quiet grunts and gasps. As I pushed in, I made sure to curl my fingers enough to stroke that special spot in him, rubbing it until his legs were trembling with the effort not to come.

  “I need you inside of me,” Javi pleaded. “Please, Gordo.”

  Needing it as much as him, I positioned the tip of my cock at his entrance. Then I moved so that my arms were on either side of his head, braced.