Daddy Ink

by Ali Lyda

  “I’ll handle this,” I growled.

  “Wait,” Javi said. He placed a kiss on Giuliana’s head before handing her off to Reagan. I wondered if he picked the biggest guy at the party on purpose. But with his flaming red hair and colorful tattoos, Reagan reminded me of a fierce Scottish warrior. “Keep her s-safe,” Javi muttered.

  “I promise,” Reagan vowed, and I was flooded with gratitude for the people Javi was bringing into my life.

  When he came up to me, Javi threaded his fingers through mine, clasping my hand tightly. “I’m here for you,” he said.

  There wasn’t a trace of jealousy or worry in his eyes. He trusted me and wanted to support me. It was enough to bring my anger down to a manageable simmer—something that was necessary if I was going to get through to Kyle.

  When we walked up to Kyle, his eyes were locked on our clasped hands. He was still smiling, but it was a nasty, snake’s smile. “So this is why you’ve been ignoring me. You’ve been rebounding with a thug. Gordo, really, I thought you had more taste. I hope you get tested.”

  But Javi didn’t stiffen or get angry. He knew what Kyle was trying to do, and he was giving me the space to handle it like I said I would. What had I done to deserve him? I didn’t know, but as soon as I got Kyle out of my life for good, I was going to make sure I kept earning his devotion.

  “What are you doing here, Kyle?”

  “I’d think that was obvious, Gordo. I’ve been telling you—I want to talk to you. I want to see my daughter. And now I know I need to be here, if you’ve been letting trash like that around her.”

  Manageable simmer was now a pipe dream. “You do not get to come to my house and treat my family and friends this way, Kyle.”

  Kyle was all cool elegance. He’d always had a confidence to him that I’d always admired. But in hindsight, I saw it for what it was; Kyle was the kind of man who’d never been told “no.” Whatever he wanted, he got in the end, and so his confidence was born from a lack of experience in failure. All his smug confidence could go to hell.

  “Gordo, darling, let’s talk in private like civilized people.”

  Javi shrugged, more cool and confident than I’d be in his position. He said nothing to Kyle, acting as if Kyle wasn’t worth a shred of his attention. Instead he tugged me toward him and planted a kiss on me, deep and clearly possessive, a marking of me and who I was to him. I loved every fucking second of it, and when he stepped back, I was breathless.

  Javi always seemed so in control. Now I could see something primal scratching below the carefully cultivated calm, and I adored it, feeling a flush of desire in me at being so openly claimed.

  “It’s fine—I love you,” he said.

  He couldn’t have said anything better to throw off Kyle’s game. My ex’s eyes narrowed with dislike, and his grin fell hard and flat. Then Javi did one more thing: he walked over to Reagan and made sure that Kyle saw how Giuliana squirmed and reached for him, demanding to be held by someone who’d been there for her and showered her with love.

  When he took her, she lay on his chest, snuggled up like there was nowhere else she’d rather be. It might have been the light, but it looked like there was a slight tremble to Kyle’s shoulders.

  I moved away from our audience and beckoned for Kyle to follow. When we were reasonably private, I whirled on him. “You’ve got some fucking nerve. You want to talk? Start talking, Kyle.”

  To his credit, my ex managed to look chagrined. He nervously ruffled his hair. “I made a mistake when I left and asked for the divorce.”

  “No kidding,” I said flatly.

  “I’m miserable without you, Gordo. I spend every day thinking about you and how much I miss you. We were together so long. You were—are—the love of my life. I want to get back what we had.”

  My skin crawled with his words, each one a barb meant to hook me. If he’d come back months before, when I was wrung out and exhausted and overwhelmed, I might have said yes. So many nights I’d lain in bed, dreaming of having help, of having a partner who wanted to be there, and before Javi and I really connected, Kyle had occasionally filled in during those fantasies. But Javi had not only consumed those fantasies—he’d turned them into reality, a reality with zero room for my ex in it.

  “Here’s the thing, Kyle. Not once in that apology, which was weak at best, did you remember to include Giuliana. That was one of the problems. You were happy with you and me, and we said we both wanted a baby. But as soon as she became real, you ran. The thing you seem to forget is there is no me without her.”

  He held his hands up as if fencing me off. “Hey, I didn’t mention her because I didn’t think I had to. Obviously she’s important. But I haven’t had a chance to get to know her yet. But when you let me come back, we’ll all be a family.”

  I let out an exasperated laugh. “You can’t have it both ways. You can’t have it the way it used to be and get to know her now.”

  Kyle crossed his arms in front of his chest. “What am I supposed to do, Gordo? What do you want from me?”

  I stepped closer, as sure and steady as I’d ever felt. I wanted to be a good dad for Giuliana above anything else, and letting Kyle’s toxicity back into our lives was a surefire way to let her, and myself, down. “I don’t want anything from you, Kyle. Don’t you get that? I want nothing. You walked away, and I’ve moved on.”

  “Oh, please,” Kyle said, his tone prissy and high-pitched. “You call that disaster of a man moving on? Get this out of your system, Gordo. We both know how stubborn you can be. But think about it. Think of Giuliana and how she should have two parents. It’s what’s best for her.”

  “That’s rich. Javi has been more of a dad to her than you ever have been—or will be.”

  His face was worth every harsh word. Kyle’s features were scrunched in a mask of anger and disgust. For a moment it was hard to see—I’d been in love with him once, after all. There had been years of good, and I had more warm memories than bad of our time together. But he’d been rude and cruel about Javi, and only acted like Giuliana existed when it suited him. He’d left me when I’d needed him most.

  The problem with the bad parts of Kyle were that they were really awful.

  “You should leave,” I said, hoping I could put an end to this chapter of my life, once and for all, and go back to the new family I’ve been building. But Kyle, unwilling to make things easy, couldn’t simply say ‘goodbye’.

  “Think about it, Gordo,” he offered as he left, managing to strut as he exited. “I’m working remotely now, so I’m in town for the foreseeable future. It’s what you wanted, remember? It’s a small town, and we’re going to bump into each other. A lot.”

  The problem with Kyle was always his confidence and persistence. So many times in our relationship he’d managed to wear me down simply by refusing to let me walk away. Because of our history, I had a sinking feeling that things with Kyle weren’t over yet, and I knew I’d be mulling this encounter over and over again until, like a deep zit, he popped up again.

  And what would I do then?

  22

  Javi

  “I said you can leave it,” Gordo snapped at me as I tried to clear the table after dinner. His voice had this edge that was sharp enough to set me on edge. “I’m putting Giuliana to bed, I’ll do it after.”

  He picked her up and went upstairs. He didn’t tell me to wait, like he usually did. Gordo didn’t offer to let me kiss Giuliana goodnight or give me a kiss. It could have been that we’d already established enough of a routine that he didn’t feel a need to make the extra effort. But I knew in my heart that wasn’t it.

  Since Kyle had shown up at the party over a week ago, Gordo had been...moody. It was like he was stuck in his head, and while I couldn’t blame him for that, I did feel frustrated at the way he seemed to shut me out. I thought we’d done this already, and he’d said I was worth the work. So why wasn’t he letting me help—letting me really be part of this with him?

  I rub
bed at my arm as I waited for him on the couch. When he came down the stairs and sank down next to me, I knew I needed to say something or it would keep festering inside of me. But knowing that didn’t make it easy to confront him, especially when he seemed so volatile in mood.

  “How are you, Gordo?”

  He pressed back into the couch, hands roughly rubbing at his face, as if he could erase all of the emotions that had been bogging him down all day. “Tired, I guess.”

  “D-do you need me to go?” I wanted him to say no. I wanted him to want me here with him.

  “Whatever is fine. I’m just drained.”

  “C-can we t-talk about it?” I pressed, my hands tightening into nervous fists in my lap.

  He looked at me, brows scrunched together. “You want to talk about how I’m tired?” The question sounded more like he was asking if I was really that stupid. My breath hitched.

  “I want to talk about how you’ve been k-kind of...s-sharp, and distracted. Since Kyle came.”

  “Sharp? What is that supposed to mean?” He sat up, putting his elbows on his knees. A man half ready to run or dig in.

  “Like this,” I said, gesturing between us. “You s-snap at me, or d-don’t let me help. You won’t t...t-talk to me.” My stutter was surging and I switched to signing without thinking. “You aren’t being nice and it sucks.”

  He scowled. “I’m not that good at signing, Javi. I have no idea what you just said.”

  Before I could compose myself, he went on. “You just want so much from me, Javi, and I don’t have anything to give right now. Between trying to make my new clients happy and Giuliana—and, yes, Kyle showing back up—I have a lot on my fucking mind. If I’m a little sharp, it’s because everything feels so overwhelming and you’re here, acting like a puppy that needs pets all of the time, this kind of constant reassurance, and I fucking can’t do it.”

  I rocked back like he’d slapped me. The analogy was so, so hurtful that it took me precious seconds to simply absorb it. He’d compared me to a dog. A needy, clingy puppy when all I’d been doing was trying to help, like we were partners. Equals. Was that how he viewed me? And Kyle. It seemed obvious to me that he should have told Kyle to go the hell away—so if he was still thinking about him, what did that mean?

  “I d-d-didn’t realize I was b-becoming such a b-burden,” I replied.

  Gordo pressed his palms into his eyes before dragging his hands over his face. “Ah, shit, Javi, that’s not what I meant. You know I don’t think that about you—I love you. I’m sorry. I just...I don’t know what I’m doing right now. It’s all just so much.”

  I heard his apology, but it didn’t stick. I was still stuck on what he’d said before. Because while I knew he was upset...what if that was how he pictured me? Just another obligation he had to tend to. It stung at first, then swelled up, and finally erupted with toxic thoughts in my heart.

  “S...s-so here’s the thing. I’m feeling s-s-scared now because this was a pattern in my past. People acted b-b-badly to me, s-saying hurtful things, right before they left, like the rejection would hurt less if they’d treated me like shit.” Just saying it out loud sent me retreating into the darker corners of my mind. “You c-clearly need s-some space now.”

  I did, too, because if I stayed...I was afraid I’d be staying just to be left, and I wasn’t going to do that to myself.

  “Tell Little Miss G I love her.” With that, I stood, trying to wrap an iron box around my hurt before it spilled out.

  Gordo caught me at the door. “Javi, I’m just asking for time to think.”

  Shutting my eyes, I nodded. My mind was filling in the blanks; I knew where this was going. “T-to think about us? Rethink us?”

  My eyes were startled open by his gentle kiss. “No, not us. Never you and me, Javi. I meant it when I said I love you. But Kyle was a major part of my life, and now he seems to think that means he can sneak back in. I think I just need to find a way to cut him out forever before I can keep moving forward with you.”

  I wanted to believe him. But I was already sinking into the darkness of my past. Ready to escape while I could, I mumbled, “I’ll give you as much time as you need.”

  Gordo kissed me again. It was deep, his tongue probing my mouth, seeking out my taste. Perhaps seeking forgiveness. But I felt too empty at the moment, submitting to his kiss on instinct more than anything else.

  He broke it off and kissed the tip of my nose. “You know I love you, right?”

  I nodded, and then I left. As I walked to my house, my mind kept twisting those last words from “you know I love you” to “goodbye.”

  “Yo, Javi, come back to us.” Dane slid his chair next to mine. It was donuts and discussion time in the morning at the shop, and I had sunk too far into my worry to pay attention to the meeting.

  “S-sorry,” I said.

  “What’s going on?” Reagan asked. I saw all of their eyes on me: Dane, Trinity, Mateo, Bryce, and Reagan. All of them, even Bryce, looked concerned.

  “Will you translate for Bryce?” I signed and Trinity automatically took up the role. While the new guy knew I signed when upset, he wasn’t fluent in ASL. But I knew what it was like to feel left out, and I didn’t want to do that to him.

  “That was Gordo’s ex-husband at the cookout,” I started.

  “The smug asshole who crashed?” Dane asked. I nodded.

  “He’s trying to get back with Gordo. He’s been pestering him for weeks. After he left, when I spent time with Gordo, he was moody. Distant and sometimes a bit short with me.”

  “Oh, hell, no,” Trinity inserted after telling Bryce what I’d been saying. I cocked my head, waiting to see if she was finished. She snorted and I continued.

  “When I asked him about it, he told me he needed time to think about Kyle. He said it was to find a way to get rid of him. I told him I’d give him time, but it has been days and he hasn’t called or texted. I can’t help but feel like he’s going to break up with me. Like the longer we are apart, the more time he has to think about how Kyle would be better for him and Giuliana.”

  “Well, fuck, Javi,” Reagan said. “That’s a lot of weight to carry.”

  Dane shrugged. “Maybe it’s better to escape now, before he can really hurt you.”

  Trinity punched him in the arm, hard, but I caught something in his face just before. He hadn’t been looking at me when he said it, but staring at someone who wasn’t there. I could guess who Dane was thinking about. I hadn’t seen Christian with Dane once at the cookout, or in the days since.

  In this pronounced absence, Dane’s humor had become dulled and his focus distant. Not for the first time, I wondered what had happened between them. Unlike me, though, Dane had never been willing to share what was going on. And I’d never pushed him because his friendship was so important to me, and I wanted to respect his boundaries.

  I shook my head. “I don’t want to be scared of being hurt anymore. I already am hurting. I know this is just shit from my past that is trying to suck me down. The more I think about it, the more twisted it gets. I know that my mind is lying to me, trying to keep me in a dark place. But knowing it is one thing. Getting out of it is what feels helpless. I want Gordo, and I’m too afraid to ask him to help.”

  Bryce, of all people, piped in. “Look, we’re still getting to know each other, Javi. But I watched you and Gordo at the cookout. The way you leaned into each other, and damn, that kiss you gave him when that ass showed up? That was a kiss. I think he really is trying to get shit figured out so he can come to you with a clean slate. Until then, you know you have us, right? We’ll hold you up until Gordo comes around.”

  Trinity smiled. “Reagan, I hereby promote Bryce from Apprentice to Awesomesauce Coworker.”

  That managed to pull a small laugh out of me. It helped, truly, to feel the love and support of my crew. What was more of an effort was trying to believe that they were right about Gordo. There was a difference between what they viewed as taking care of my
self and what my own experiences had taught me.

  So while I wanted to cling to this idea that Gordo wasn’t pushing me away or preparing himself to break it off with me, I also couldn’t help viewing his distance as a sign of things to come. I had to protect myself, and that meant asking difficult questions like whether I could take much more of his hot and cold without compromising myself.

  Or, perhaps most important…

  How long was I willing to wait for him?

  23

  Gordo

  I knew I’d been isolating myself too long, but I still didn’t have any clue how I was supposed to make it clear to Kyle that we were over and that I wanted him gone beyond what I’d already done.

  After the cookout, he’d texted me repeatedly. When I didn’t answer, my mom called me and said Kyle had begun to harass her, trying to get her to convince me to talk to him “without an audience”. Then Mason texted, saying he was ready for me to file a restraining order because Kyle’s texts and calls were pissing Dana off. And then I’d snapped at Javi, said those horrible things in a moment of weakness, words I wished I could take back even as I was saying them.

  Instead of getting better, it felt like things were spiraling.

  So when Christian called and asked if he could come over, I said yes so quickly it startled him. He didn’t ask if he could bring Dane—which was shocking, because I’d rarely seen one without the other the last couple months—but maybe that was because he knew I was in a fragile place and not up to hosting a couple.

  Christian played with Giuliana while I made us dinner. As we ate, I could tell something was up.

  “This isn’t just a social visit, is it?”

  Christian shifted uncomfortably on his chair. “No. But I wanted to tell you in person. I know you blocked Kyle on social media, so I wanted to be here in case...well, if you don’t already know what he’s doing.”