James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

  Andrew Faulds (as BRIAN BLESSED), the big, booming, commanding actor, enters.

  Faulds Sutch?! David Sutch?!

  Pauline Oh my God, it’s God!

  Faulds Show yourself man!

  Sutch I am he!

  Faulds Andrew Faulds, the actor, from over the road. Your Labour opponent.

  Sutch Oh yeah! We met at the debate last weekend. Bunch of fascists, throwing me out.

  Faulds You sat in the Deputy Mayor’s chair, sir.

  Sutch (laughs)

  Stuart Sat in his chair? Gosh, I bet that put the willies up him.

  Sutch What, it’s only a chair, for gawd’s sake.

  Faulds I am here to ask you (gesturing at the room), not to carry on with this tom foolery.

  Pauline (to Stuart) I thought you said your name was Stuart.

  Faulds Ye gads, man, your campaign headquarters is in the middle of a pub!

  Sutch The refuge of the common man, Mr Faulds. The perfect place to start a people’s revolution. It’s where thingy Tyler began his Peasant’s Revolt.

  Faulds Wat.

  Sutch (louder) I said it’s where thingy Tyler began his Peasant’s Revolt.

  Faulds Sir, you know very well that you have no chance of winning. You’re just going to pull votes away from those who can.

  Sutch What’s winning got to do with it?

  Faulds What’s wi – . . . what’s winning got to do with it?! How can you do anything unless you win? Power is the point!

  Sutch Power is the point? But what’s the point in power, then, if power is the point?

  Faulds (he seethes. Tries to calm. Sees a framed picture on the wall) That’s me. Iago. 1959. The Dirty Duck has been the drinking hole of Britain’s finest actors over the years. You know what makes a bad actor. Sutch? No truth. Putting on a mask, it isn’t to conceal. It is to re-veal. You have no ‘truth’, Mr Sutch. You are a fool! A Falstaff. A Bottom!

  Pauline Oh David, just turn the other cheek.

  Stuart Although ironically of course, in the past, it was only the fool, the jester, you know, who was allowed to call the king out for what he truly was, simply by making him laugh.

  Sutch There you are, yer see? Look at you – in yer suit, and yer hat. You look exactly like all the rest of them.

  Faulds Labour must look more – ‘professional’, to beat them at their own game. But we’re still the outsiders. You stand up there on stage, you make me look the bloody establishment too! And if I lose this chance to kick that Tory bastard out of Stratford because of you, I swear to God! (He turns to leave. Beat. Turns back.)

  ‘O, what men dare do.

  What men may do! What men daily do . . . Not knowing what they do.’

  He exits. Sutch snatches the framed photo off the wall and pockets it, stepping into:

  THE CLASS SKETCH – FROST REPORT

  The three candidates, standing in a line, a la CLEESE, BARKER and CORBETT . . .

  Voice As the returning officer for the Stratford constituency, please may I ask that all candidates come up onto the stage, for the results of the count . . .

  Tory I look down on him, because I am a Conservative, and we are the natural party of government.

  Labour I look up to him, because he is a Conservative. But I look down on him, because he is an independent. I am Labour.

  Sutch I know my place.

  Voice And the results for the Stratford-upon-Avon bi-election are: Angus Maude, Conservatives . . . 15,846. (He nods – some polite applause.) Andrew Faulds, Labour . . . 12,376. (Some polite applause.)

  David Sutch. Nat – . . . National Teenage Party . . . 209. Some laughter heard – but Sutch, first with surprise. Sutch Two hundred and nine . . .?

  He’s moved. Overcome with joy. He opens his arms wide to the crowd, as their mocking laughter slowly turns to cheers. Louder and louder – the others disappearing into darkness as he is bathed in light, soaking in the love of the crowd . . .

  The Band Leader strikes up with Bob Dylan’s 1960s Protest Song, ‘The Times they are a’changing’.

  Sutch ‘Come gather ‘round people, wherever you roam And admit that the waters around you have grown

  And accept it that soon you’ll be drenched to the bone If your time to you is worth savin’

  Then you better start swimmin’ or you’ll sink like a stone For the times they are a-changin’.’

  Band Member (kicking into a new phrase on his keyboard) Alright, Ladies and Gents, it’s Bingo time, get your cards out, come on, that’s it, your daubers and your dabbers, eyes down, and listen out for any numbers coming up in this next bit – it’s a good bit, you’ll like it – you know the rules, call out Bingo when you get a line.

  TILL DEATH US DO PART

  The Sutch home, 1966 – Uncle Benny (ALF GARNETT) sits reading his paper in his armchair, mum Annie (ELSE) knitting in her armchair, Sutch (MIKE) and Pauline (RITA) on the sofa.

  Sutch I’m going to stand! In the General Election, this time.

  Benny Going to stand? Going to stand, he says. You already bleedin’ stood, didn’cha, and you bloody lost.

  Sutch Mum, people voted for me. Two hundred and nine votes – that’s two, zero, nine. They actually put a cross next to my name.

  Benny I’m always cross, next to you. Scouse git.

  Sutch Lot of young people.

  Benny Well they would, wouldn’t they, don’t know their arse from their elbows. You raised a generation, Annie, don’t know their arse from their elbows.

  Annie Oh blame it all on me, I gave birth to the whole lot of ’em, didn’t I?

  Benny You gave birth to this one, you silly moo. Nothing to do with me.

  All of ’em, don’t know a proper day’s work. Respect, for God, or the Queen. Don’t know proper decency; cavorting about with one another. Like this one, who’s this one then?

  Pauline My name is Pauline. And we’re – old friends.

  Benny Friends. You see? ‘Friends.’ How old are yer?

  Pauline 27.

  Sutch (calling out the number) 27!

  Benny In my day, you didn’t have friends and partners and bits on the side, your age, you got married.

  Pauline Yes and then you had unhappiness and self-loathing and abuse.

  Sutch I don’t know why no one’s tried it before. It’s so easy. You should have seen them! They were furious! Haha! So I’m doing it again. Fight for change!

  Benny ‘Change’, is that a eupher-what’s-it? A silly-nym for ‘destruction’, ‘abandonment’. ‘Decline’. Giving away the whole Empire that took good decent Conservatives centuries to build up.

  Pauline It’s giving it back to the people who it belongs to.

  Benny They don’t bloody want it! You give it ’em back and what do they do, they all come over here! By the boat load. Like them just moved back into Number 17. (Sutch repeats.) And Number 43. (Sutch repeats.) AND Number 35! (Sutch repeats)

  Many audience members shout Bingo! – they all have the same numbers.

  Benny Oh, look at that! Well there’s too many of yer, obviously! Ain’t enough to go round! Coming in here, wanting something for nothing! (Back to Pauline.)

  We were told we didn’t need an Empire no more, that we was gonna stand on our own two feet. Proud! Didn’t want be in their European ‘club’, thank you. Only then what?! The Yanks gave us the cold shoulder cause of Vietnam!, so we’re back begging the Frogs to join them! Begging, as though we didn’t save them in the war, which we’re still paying for, with the bloody Yanks!

  We need to remember the ‘Great’ in Great Britain.

  Pauline Well what is the ‘great’ in Great Britain?

  Benny It’s . . . well it, it’s . . . well it’s our past, innit!

  Pauline There’s got to be something more that’s just our past, Uncle Benny!

  Sutch See, all your lot do, Uncle Benny, is moan.

  Benny I’ve
a right to moan, I fought. Did you fight?! Did you?

  Sutch You think democracy is a spectator sport, whinging from the sidelines.

  I want to participate, not just observe. Stick it straight to the man. To –

  (Gasps!) That’s it. I’ll stand against . . . the Prime Minister.

  Annie Oh that’s nice, love.

  Pauline The Prime Minister?! David, you can’t. Can you?

  Sutch I don’t know. There’s no rule that says you can’t. They have to let you. They’re going to have to let me stand there next to him on that stage. As an equal!

  How hard can it be?

  (Does a Harold Wilson.) ‘It is finally time, to forge, a New Britain, in the White Heat, of Revolution.’

  Benny Grrrrr!

  Annie You leave him be. This is mine and David’s home, but you had your feet under the table pretty sharpish, ey? Don’t mind that, do yer?

  Benny I was invited! And if you don’t want me here then I’ll go! (He exits.)

  Pauline Why don’t you go back to your music?

  Sutch I can keep the band going with this.

  Annie I wouldn’t put all your eggs in that basket, love, don’t get me wrong but you’re no Shirley Bassey or . . . Tom Jones. (Fans herself.)

  Sutch Hate Tom Jones. I hate Shirley Bassey. It wasn’t meant to be about them, all, all starry and packaged with their deals, and, and – it was meant to be –

  Annie What about our bric and brac shop, all that stuff you’ve been collecting over the years – just sat there in the loft. We could make a go of that.

  Sutch I want to try this, Mum. I can show ’em all. Make you proud o’ me.

  Annie Did I do something wrong, David, was it me? I know you was lacking a father figure but I tried my best. People say that there’s a few screws loose. That’s all.

  Sutch . . . well then I should be around others with screws loose, shouldn’t I?

  Annie The mad house?

  Sutch Exactly. I’m standing for parliament. Again.

  A band member, with an electric guitar, tuning it.

  Band member (to the audience) Alright guys. You can all do this one, that’s the point.

  Demonstrates with his hand in the air.

  Fingers in this position, all of you. Go on, hand in the air. That’s an ‘A’.

  The audience get their fingers in that position. He looks around at a few.

  Good – not bad – good – terrible – Good. You look like you’re giving me the finger, sir. Oh you are giving me the finger, well, the same to you.

  Next one. ‘E’. Everyone.

  They do it.

  And. ‘G’.

  They all do it.

  You, sir, you’re pretty accomplished, would you mind turning around and showing the people behind you up close what those chords are, again. ‘A’. ‘E’. Then ‘G’.

  The member of the audience, hopefully, engages some of those around him or her with the chords.

  Right. You’re all punk rockers. And all you need is three chords. Now. Go and start a band.

  The band member plays the three chords, as the audience hand mime them.

  He continues, and it becomes clear that the song is GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, by the Sex Pistols.

  THE YOUNG ONES

  The Huyton results – 1974 General Election.

  A line of three, again – Harold Wilson ( EDMONSON), the Tory William Peters. (PLANER), and Sutch (MAYALL). An Announcer.

  Announcer And the results of the Huyton Constituency. Harold Wilson, Labour . . . 41,222.

  Wilson (makes some Edmonson-like gobble-de-gook noise of elation) Ee-lala-la-yargh!

  Announcer T L Hobday, Conservative . . . 20,182.

  Planer (makes some sad, Planer-like moan) Oh . . . er . . . hmmmm well . . .

  Announcer David Sutch . . . 585.

  Sutch (punk-like celebration) Aaahh!!

  All of them begin jumping up and down, moshing and trashing the stage . . .

  MORECAMBE AND WISE

  Sutch (as ERIC MORECAMBE) and Wise, in their trademark introductory stance.

  Morecambe So what do you think of it so far?

  Wise There’s no answer to that.

  Moreambe No.

  Wise Can I ask you a personal question?

  Morecambe Of course, ask away my little friend, ask away (slaps his cheeks).

  Wise Do you like to be fully in, or do you prefer to pull out? Morecambe I – beg – your – pardon?

  Wise The continental question. We’re hitting the polls again.

  Morecambe The Poles, why, it’s not their fault, is it? And wait a minute, wait a minute. I thought, uh . . . (looking around, confidentially). I thought we were already spoken for. You know, the ‘special relationship’, with (whistles).

  No, Mr Heath says our ‘natural relationship’ is with this ‘other lot’.

  Morecambe Oh I see. Wait a minute, wait a minute . . . I thought, we’d already consummated a ‘union’.

  Wise Oh you mean the kingdom?

  Morecambe Yes.

  Wise Well, Mr Wilson’s holding a referendum on that too; They might want to break up with us. I don’t think they feel loved.

  Morecambe Oh, well. Wait. WAIT! What about the kids?

  Wise The kids?

  Morecambe You know. From the first marriage – the Commonwealth.

  Wise Oh yes, I’d forgotten those.

  Morecambe Gosh it’s all very confusing.

  Wise It is very confusing.

  Morecambe All these responsibilities. I’ve had to take on a second job, you know.

  Wise A second job?

  Morecambe Oh yes.

  Wise Some would say you barely take on your first job.

  Morecambe I . . . (suddenly looks perplexed, at Ernie, the audience, grinds his teeth).

  Wise What’s the second one?

  Morecambe I announce the General Election results.

  Wise You? You announce the election results, that’s you?

  Morecambe Very important job, yes, oh yes.

  Wise Well you’re not very good at it, are you?

  Morecambe Beg pardon?

  Wise Well how come in the last one, the Conservatives got more votes, but Labour got more seats. And the Liberals, they got more votes than they got last time, but less seats than they had before – all creating a hung parliament where nobody knew who had won or lost, I mean, it doesn’t make any sense.

  Morecambe Well democracy is very complicated, see, it’s a very complicated system.

  Wise Are you sure you aren’t just announcing all the wrong results?

  Morecambe looks away, and then turns in close to Wise, taking him by the lapels.

  Morecambe I am announcing all the right results. But not necessarily, in the right order . . .

  Lights cut out. Sutch is alone. On each screen is a different comedian, ghosts from the past, looking at him. Spike Milligan . . . Tony Hancock . . . Kenneth Williams . . . Stephen Fry . . .

  A slightly distorted version of ‘Bring Me Sunshine’ continues, far off somewhere . . .

  Sutch . . . Doctor, doctor! I feel a bit – funny.

  The Monty Python theme from the band.

  The TVs flicker to an animated video montage, in the Python style, beginning with Sutch standing on stage with Harold Wilson, possibly the real image of him forcing Wilson to shake his hand.

  It grows increasingly absurd, with Sutch pasted into historic scenes, given undue significance. The England World Cup win . . . playing as the fifth Beatle . . . with the Royal Family on famous balcony for the Silver Jubilee . . .

  It ends with a Dad’s Army-style graphic of the Union Jack arrow entering Europe, and then pulling back again, then entering, and then pulling back out again, before everything is eventually squashed by a giant foot.

  MONTY PYTHON (all new)

  A doctor’s surgery. Sutch (MICHAEL PALIN) st
ood waiting as Doctor (JOHN CLEESE) arrives with a clipboard of notes, along with Matron (TERRY JONES).

  Doctor Sorry to keep you. Now, what seems to be the problem?

  Sutch Oh doctor, doctor. I feel funny.

  Matron (feels him, and laughs) Hoho yes you do feel funny, don’t you.

  Doctor (feeling him too) Oh yes, haha. Well don’t worry, if we do operate we’ll have you in stitches in no time. (Laughing hard, with the Matron.) Have you in stiches, Matron! Haha.

  Sutch I don’t feel myself.

  Doctor Good, you shouldn’t feel yourself, filthy habit.

  Matron Oh he’s a very naughty boy, isn’t he? Now sit. Cross your legs.

  Sutch I don’t always know who I am. Where I’m meant to be going.

  They sit Sutch down and tap below his knee for reflexes. Sutch’s leg begins to stretch out, as he stands and does the ‘Cleese’-like funny walk – legs going one way and then circling round the other.

  Sutch See? Part of me wants to go that way, and the same time the other part of me wants to go that way. So I end up getting stuck in a loop, and it’s driving me mad.

  Doctor Well, madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting . . . (thinks, looking down at the room) what’s that saying?

  Matron (at where he’s looking on his board) You’re next appointment is at 4.

  Doctor Excellent. Well. It sounds like a touch of the old ‘black dog’. That’s what Churchill used to call it, didn’t he?

  Sutch (at his palm) Did he?

  Doctor Well we can help with that.

  Sutch Are you a head doctor?

  Doctor I took a course in psychiatry, yes.

  Sutch (tapping the script on his clipboard) No I mean are you ahead, I think we’ve skipped forward.

  Doctor Oh I’m sorry. Where were we?

  Matron Just over here.

  They take a hop away from the desk.

  Sutch I’m just a bit low, that’s all.

  Doctor Matron, something to prop the patient up perhaps?

  Matron (bringing some cushions, placing them on his seat) There we are. That’s the nurse’s. That’s the policeman’s. And that’s the vicar’s.

  Doctor What are they?

  Matron Pillows of the community.

  They laugh hard, repeating ‘pillows of the –!’ as Matron sits Sutch back down on the chair.

  Doctor There you are, see, you’re funnier already.