James Graham Plays 2

by James Graham

  Sutch I am?

  Doctor Yes look, you’re sat-higher. (Laughs.) Satire! Haha.

  Finally, any other symptoms?

  Sutch I feel angry, at the rest of the world. The Germans have left a bad taste in my mouth.

  Doctor Case of the sour krauts, OK.

  Sutch In Spain it’s like I’m treading on egg shells the whole time.

  Doctor Spanish omelette, I’ve got yer.

  Sutch And the French are always taking the piss.

  Doctor Well we could try removing de Gualle bladder – de Gaulle bladder! Hahaha!

  Matron De Gaulle bladder!

  Doctor (standing) Now, seriously. Because this is very serious. Yes. It’s clear to me that you are suffering from a condition known as – the Sick Man of Europe syndrome.

  Sutch I am?

  Matron and Doctor work on him as they talk, a pressure strap around his arm for blood, thermometer in his mouth, glasses over his eyes, etc.

  Doctor Yes, you’re running very high inflation. Growth is stunted. I can barely detect a pulse anymore. You’ve grown incredibly short-sighted. Sometimes you want to go Left. Other times you want go Right. And so you’ve developed an acute paralysis, built up over time. I mean you’re not getting any younger, are you. Might be time to calm down a bit. Stop going round and round in circles. And just, well – just ‘be’.

  Sutch (beat. Sighs) You mean . . . settle. ‘If you want to be happy . . . be’.

  Matron Who said that?

  Sutch Trotsky.

  Matron Oh no. He’s got the Trots as well!

  All WHEY!

  STEPTOE AND SON

  Annie Sutch (now ALBERT STEPTOE) decrepit and seated in a junk-filled hovel, drying old newspapers with a hair dryer. Sutch (HAROLD) enters, carrying carrier bags of more junk.

  Sutch Oh gawd, what’s she doing now, I don’t know if I can bear it.

  Annie What’s your problem?

  Sutch What’s my problem, Mum? It’s about five foot five, 12 stones, and coming on for a hundred and fifty years old, can you guess?

  Annie Pick anything good up today?

  Sutch Pick anything good up, she says. Well let’s see, shall we? (Removing some items.) Exhibit A, your Dis-honour. An iron, that doesn’t heat up. A torch, that doesn’t light. And a child’s rainbow-coloured skipping rope, that probably doesn’t skip. All found on the great streets of our capital city.

  Annie Skipping rope might fetch something.

  Sutch I ain’t selling that, I’m keeping it for emergencies! (He imitates hanging himself with it.)

  What are you doing? (Snatches a paper, looks.) This is Monday’s newspaper.

  Annie I know.

  Sutch A Monday, from almost a year ago.

  Annie I know! I’m going to flog it next Monday, no one will notice.

  Sutch The bleeding Falklands is on the front page!

  Annie So what? People are stupid. They’ll think we’ve gone in again.

  Sutch Gone in again! No one knows why we went in the first time! You dirty, old – ‘mam’. Have we really sunk so low?

  Look at this place. The same old stuff – old, tired, broke. We wipe it clean and flog it on, and still it comes back, again and again. I thought we were going to be dealing in fine antiques, not tat.

  Annie What’s the difference?

  Sutch (coming forward). What’s the difference? (Sort of referencing her.) A bit of old tat has no value, and nobody wants it. (Sort of referencing himself.) An antique has rare hidden qualities that one would appreciate if one ever took the time only to look.

  Annie All looks the same to me.

  Sutch I’ve had enough, I’m clearing out all of this stuff, I’m sick of it, it’s weighing me down, I can’t escape from it.

  He pulls out a makeshift tombola machine – or just a box with raffle tickets inside!

  Alright, everyone. Look at all these treasures from across the Empire, our long island history and beyond. It’s raffle time, you got your tickets ready, look at all these prizes, oh yes yours for the taking, come, first prize, is, number . . .

  He reads out a number, someone claims it, he hands them something from the junk.

  There you go, that’s priceless – and I really mean that, there is literally no price on that. Next one, come on . . .Oh, sod it, we’re all winners here.

  He hands out another bit of junk, and another, not pausing now to pull tickets, just trying to clear the junk, until . . . he finds the washboard from the Panto. He pauses, clutching it . . . Remembering . . .

  Annie You can’t do it, can you..?

  Sutch (beat. He begins collecting the prizes back from the audience) Sorry about this, there’s been a mistake, hand ’em back please. Come on, all of it.

  He gets them all, dumping them back on the pile. A moment.

  Annie You need all this old junk as much as me, and you know it. Have the dark clouds gathered again?

  Sutch Yes.

  Annie Feeling of rain . . .

  Sutch Yes.

  Annie . . . it’ll pass. You know it will. Sun always comes out in the end.

  Sutch (struggles) I . . . I shouldn’t be here. I thought I was going to do something. I’ve tried being a solo artist, being a band. I’ve tried changing the band, leading the band, supporting other bands, being a tribute band, being a supporting band to tribute band, I can’t . . . I can’t find it, Mum . . .

  . . . Well the ‘fortune of the house stands’. Ey.

  Annie Why don’t you stand again, you always enjoy that.

  Sutch Oh – that’s just . . . a laugh. I’m not even a member of a party. Who would have me?

  Annie I never get invited to parties, neither.

  Sutch . . . Wait. What did you say? A . . . a party . . .

  He rummages around the junk again, pulling out different party items – party poppers, a party horn.

  If they won’t invite me to one of their parties. I’ll just have my own! And everyone will be invited. And it will be the wildest, craziest party EVER!

  He pops his popper and blows his horn.

  Part Three

  SOME MOTHER’S DO ‘AVE ‘EM

  A television interview – Sutch (FRANK SPENCER), seated opposite Michael Parkinson.

  Parkinson So, you’ve formed your own political party, is that right?

  Sutch Yes, well, I was getting in a bit of bother, just doing it on my own, so I thought I’d better get some people behind me, you know, do it right (nervous laugh).

  Parkinson And it’s called – The Monster Raving Loony Party?

  Sutch That’s right. (Feels around for something in his pocket. Can’t find it. The other pocket. Retrieves a dog’s squeaky toy. He squeaks it. Puts it back in his pocket.)

  Parkinson And this is a genuine – a genuine political party?

  Sutch Yes.

  Parkinson It’s not a joke?

  Sutch Yes.

  Parkinson Y – . . .? It is a joke or it is a political party?

  Sutch Yes it is a joke, yes, it is a political party.

  Parkinson (beat) And your membership has increased. You’re planning to field, well, several candidates at the next election?

  Sutch Oh yes, we’re going to be standing in seats from John’s End to the Land of Groats. Up and down the land. Not just up and down, but side to side and diagonally as well. In fact we have our first Party Conference in September, down in Ashburton in Devon –

  Parkinson Why Ashburton?

  Sutch Well, our Chairman Alan Hope – hello Alan – he runs the Golden Lion pub down there. Also, most of our members seem to be drawn from the South West. I think they’re a bit nutty down there, which is very helpful.

  Parkinson Do you have any principles?

  Sutch Any principles? (Thinks.) No, we have a couple of caretakers, I think, and one dinner lady, but no actual principals.

  Parkinson Any
policies? Where do you stand on unemployment?

  Sutch Well, we won’t stand for it.

  Parkinson What are you ideas for dealing with it?

  Sutch Well, I’m glad that you asked, we’ve been exploring ways in which to shorten the dole queue. For a start, we’re just going to make everyone stand much closer together.

  Parkinson What would you do about crime in this country?

  Sutch Ooh yes, well, prisons are very overcrowded you know. And so I came up with the idea of just releasing all of the innocent prisoners. And that would free up some space for the guilty ones, see?

  Parkinson So is this the Anglo equivalent of, of European Dadaism, mocking the status quo by, by pointing to its illogical absurdities, is it, is it a postmodern form of philosophical anarchism? What’s the ‘act’, I guess I’m saying, when you’re on that stage at the counts. Why do you do it? I – I don’t get it.

  Sutch (beat, smiles) I’m just standing there. That’s all. Just standing there.

  Parkinson ‘Sic transit gloria’, as it were.

  Sutch What’s that, Latin? I’m sorry, I’ve never been –

  Parkinson Mr Sutch –

  Sutch It’s Lord Sutch, actually, I didn’t wait in line at the town hall for 25 minutes to change my name by deed poll just to be called ‘mister’, you know.

  Parkinson You really are, really quite mad. Aren’t you?

  Sutch (. . . beat. Smiles. Defiantly.) Well. I’m British. And we’re all a bit odd.

  Parkinson You still live at home, with your mother, if I’m not mistaken.

  Sutch Yes, she – she needs me.

  Parkinson Will you be moving her into Number 10 when you’re elected?

  Sutch I don’t know, I’ll have to see what the loft space is like, because we’ve got a lot of things, priceless artefacts you know. We’re going to open up a bric and brac store, you see. Bits and pieces of everything, something for everyone.

  Parkinson Any other policies you want to pitch? Lord Sutch?

  Sutch . . . erm . . . Yes, we’re going to abolish January and February. Because they’re just too . . . they’re just too cold. (He shivers a little, suddenly feeling a bit exposed.)

  Parkinson . . . Screaming Lord Sutch. Thank you.

  HI-DE-HI

  The Golden Lion pub. ‘The Monster Raving Loony Party’ conference around a table.

  Sutch (PAUL SHANE), Pauline (RUTH MADDOC), Stuart (SIMON CADELL), Alan Hope (JEFFREY HOLLAND), and the pub’s Barmaid (SUE POLLARD).

  Pauline plays out a tune on her xylophone.

  Pauline Good morning, campers! Hi-de-Hi!

  The audience – hopefully – reply with ‘Ho-de-Ho!’

  Today’s activity will be a party conference with the Monster Raving Loony Party!

  Stuart and the Barmaid are handing items out to the audience from a box of silly wigs, hats, fake noses, stupid glasses et al.

  Pauline Come on now, don’t be shy. You get out what you put in. We don’t need those fancy holidays abroad, am I right? Full of snobs, ey. We want our dancing and singing and our 2p machines, that go like that – back and forth, win a coin, spend a coin, pushing out another coin, and then spend that coin. I love them, I do.

  Oh where’s my head gone. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, the party leader, Screaming Lord Sutch.

  Sutch (hitting a squeaky toy hammer down on the table) I officially declare the first official meeting of the Official Monster Raving Loony party . . . CLOSED! I mean, OPEN! (Hammer down again.)

  All Whey!

  Barmaid Gosh, I’m so excited. I’m going to be a politician.

  Alan This girl’s potty.

  Sutch We’re all potty. Anyone who isn’t, shall be excommunicated from the party. And so to the first round of business then, ‘appointments’. A motion has been put forward by party chairman Alan Howling Laud Hope, that Cat Mandhu, here, (lifting a cat cuddly toy onto the table) be elected as our Shadow Secretary of State to the Treasury, for reasons being, and I quote (with his notes), ‘he’ll be the most adept at milking the taxpayer, sinking his claws into the rich, and by a whisker, he has the firmest grasp of “fish cull” policy here.

  (to the audience) Let’s put it to a party vote. All those in favour raise their hand. Hi-de-hi?!

  Everyone Ho-de-Ho!

  Sutch (squeaky hammer down) Motion carried. Congratulations Cat Mandhu.

  Pauline Shall we share our ideas for the election?

  Sutch Yes Pauline, let’s.

  Stuart I’ll go first if that’s OK?

  Sutch Policy away, Stuart, policy away.

  Stuart (clears his throat) Well. We’ve had discussions in the past to advocate a complete abolition of income tax on the grounds it was only supposed to be a temporary measure to pay for the Napoleonic Wars. I say we make that a staple pledge in our election manifesto.

  Sutch All in favour in the room, say (blows a raspberry).

  Everyone (blows a raspberry).

  Sutch (squeaky hammer down) Motion carried.

  Stuart Oh. OK great, thank you.

  Sutch More!

  Alan How about we invent a 99p coin to save on change. The Number of 1ps we need in circulation just to get change from a pound, we could save a fortune.

  Barmaid Good. I like that one.

  Sutch Me too. Excellent. 99p coins! All in favour go brrrrrrr. (Hammer down.) Pauline, any more?

  Pauline Well it’s never felt right to me that there’s only one Monopolies Commission. Shouldn’t we form another one?

  Sutch All in favour say nnnnaaaaaah.

  Everyone nnnnaaaaaah.

  Sutch (hammer down) Now, I was thinking – oh, anything to add Cat Mandhu?

  . . . Paws for thought.

  Everyone imitates the cat, putting their ‘paws’ on the table, waiting . . .

  Sutch Excellent. Now then.

  Pauline I suppose we should talk about who’s fighting for what seats this year.

  Stuart Yes. Well, Chris ‘Screwy’ driver wants to fight the Isle of Sheppey in Kent. Looney Lord Tiverton wants to fight Hastings and Rye, and we’ve got Freddie Zap –

  Alan Freddie Zap, whose that?

  Barmaid He’s the fire-eating DJ in Cornwall.

  Stuart He wants to challenge Cambourne and Redruth.

  Sutch Marvellous. (Hammer down.)

  Stuart And well, I erm – (clear his throat). I wouldn’t mind, you know. Sticking my – putting my name, erm. Forward. For a seat.

  Barmaid You? But you’re even more of a wet blanket than I am, Stuart.

  Alan Sure you’re up to it, Stu?

  Sutch Course he’s up to it. Sold. (Hammer down.) And to that end, then, I feel like we must draw up one last amendment to the Official Monster Raving Loony constitution. That if anyone here present, or anyone representing the Loony Party across the country, ever, ever, successfully wins a seat onto a council or in Parliament . . . their names shall be struck off the register, and they shall not be allowed to march under the monster moniker ever again!

  (as PUNCH). That’s the way to do it!

  PUNCH AND JUDY

  A puppet show set-up. PUNCH, dressed as SUTCH, with a placard, protesting – ‘Vote for me’, ‘Vote for me’.

  A traditional POLICEMAN arrives, trying to stop him. SUTCH begins hitting him with the placard. He runs off.

  Then, from behind SUTCH, to ominous music, JUDY appears – as Margaret Thatcher. She starts hitting Sutch with her handbag. He sinks away.

  YES, MINISTER

  In place of where Pete and Dud normally sit, at a table in the club or the auditorium, a Civil Servant (SIR HUMPHREY) brings over sherry for himself and the Minister (JIM HACKER).

  Civil Servant There you are, Minister.

  Minister Thank you, Humphrey. (Looks around.) Goodness me, what is this place?

  Civil Servant I believe they call it a Working Men’s Club, Minister. Th
ink of it like the Carlton Club, sir, only they’ll let anyone in.

  Minister Oh you mean like The Groucho. Haha. Well not much ‘working’ going on in here, is there? Rather proves our point, I’d say.

  Civil Servant The Prime Minister is very worried, Minister.

  Minister Of course she is, Humphrey, it’s a Prime Minister’s job to worry. It’s when she stops worrying that we need to worry.

  Civil Servant It’s about the upcoming General Election.

  Minister The polls have us winning by a landslide.

  Civil Servant She’s worried about the potential for humiliation.

  Minister Humphrey, what has the past eight years taught us? The potential for humiliation is around us constantly. Every time we open our mouth, every time we step out of the door, every time we come up with an idea, every time we don’t come up with an idea. All depends on how you look at it.

  Civil Servant Well, how she looks at it . . . is that she doesn’t want her acceptance speech to look like this. (Handing him a photo.)

  Minister Oh, yes. This chap. Well, there’s not a lot we can do is there, the law is the law.

  Civil Servant Do we really have to go over this again, Minister? Yes, the law is the law. But, also, the law can be whatever you decide it to be.

  Minister So what you’re saying – is we should make democracy more exclusive?

  Civil Servant I’m saying imagine a world being a politician was no longer a cause – but a ‘profession’.

  Minister But that’s what you are, Humphrey, the civil service is the professional wing of politics. You’re asking us to become more like you?

  Civil Servant I’m just saying imagine it, Minister. Imagine what that would be like . . .

  They stare out – Minister with a look of growing horror; Civil Servant with a look of awe and contentment . . .

  ‘ALLO ‘ALLO

  Sutch (RENEE) arrives with his nomination papers. An Assistant Returning Officer (CONSTABLE) is there waiting. Sutch does the trademark piece to camera opening.

  Sutch Oh, hello. I am back here, once again, with my papers, hoping that I am not found out to be the fraud that I am. I have mother waiting in her bedroom – she has become so weak of late. Sometimes I think my ritual humiliation in front of millions of people is the only thing that keeps her going. (He approaches the desk.)