by Scarlet West
“I need some rest,” I said.
“Okay. I understand. Sure.”
We drove to my home in silence.
“Hayley?” he asked as he held the gate for me as I went inside. “I will see you again, won’t I?”
I just looked at him tiredly. “Look, it’s late. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Sure. Yes. We’ll talk. Here’s my number.”
He scribbled it down on a piece of paper. I waited, not sure what else to do. I took it and put it in the pocket of my blouse, feeling utterly detached.
“Thanks for the lift,” I said.
“Hayley,” He sounded wounded.
“Good night Reid.”
“Good night.” His voice echoed in utter defeat.
I unlocked the door and leaned against it, feeling my heart thud in my ears. I wanted to just stay where I was and I hoped Ryanne and my son were already asleep. I closed the door soundlessly behind me and tiptoed into the sitting room.
Nobody was there. The lights were off, the only illumination in the room coming from the light on at the end of the hallway, leading to the bedrooms. I sat down on the couch, utterly exhausted.
“Oh, Reid,” I whispered.
What was I supposed to do? I had escaped one violent, threatening man. I wasn’t – absolutely was not – putting myself through anything like that again. It was something I was firm about. I didn’t want to ever put myself at that kind of risk again.
I curled up on my side, too tired to move and finally fell asleep.
24
Reid
I drove back in utter silence. I couldn’t believe what I’d just done. I was an idiot. I was a monster.
Hayley saw that now. There was no way she’d ever let me back into her life.
I banged my fist on the steering wheel and stayed where I was. I was drained. I didn’t even want to go back upstairs – if I did, if I lay in that bed, I would think of her and I would never be able to sleep.
I stayed where I was, trying to find the energy to move. I was utterly despondent. How could I have done what I did?
“How could you not?” I murmured to myself. If any of my men were going to wake me, they would have called me by name. Because only they knew the horrors we’d seen. Only they knew the harsh reality of how fucked up my head was.
I ran my hands through my hair, feeling awful. I’d had the most amazing evening, and I’d given it the worst possible end. The look on her face when I’d dropped her off told me everything I needed to know. I was damaged beyond repair. I’d probably never see her again.
I convinced myself to get out of my car and, standing up slowly, walked to the building again. I didn’t want to move or to do anything. All I wanted to do was remember the night before I managed to do something so stupid.
I took the sheets off the bed and put them in a crumpled heap on the sofa. I would wash them tomorrow. If I could smell her body, there was no way I could sleep.
I took fresh sheets from the closet in the hallway and made the bed systematically, working on the sort of autopilot that always kicked in under these circumstances. I was used to working half-asleep. I was used to working when I felt like my world had just ended.
25
Hayley
I woke up on the sofa with a pain in my neck. I stretched and groaned. Memory came back to me slowly – the night before, Reid and me in bed together, the moment when he’d tried to choke me, and the horrible awkward ride home. I listened for sounds of my son or of Ryanne, and then glanced at the clock. It was ten past seven.
I shot upright, feeling terrible. I needed to get breakfast ready. I needed to find Josh some clean socks. I needed to be a mother. I scrambled to my feet, and heard the reassuring lift of voices, coming from the kitchen. I breathed in and smelled oil, spilled on a hotplate.
“Okay. We’ll fry the eggs. Does your mom like fried eggs?”
“Mommy eats all sorts of things,” Josh informed my friend in a bright, crisp voice. “But if we don’t make coffee, she’ll be mad. Why d’you like that stuff, anyway? It’s so gross.”
I ran a hand through my hair and looked into the mirror by the hallway entrance, wondering if I looked okay. I didn’t want to scare Josh.
My makeup had come off, and my hair was terribly tousled. I was wearing the blouse and slacks I’d worn out. But other than that, I looked surprisingly good. I actually looked what my mom would have called “positively glowing”.
I tucked stray hair behind my ear, feeling myself blush, and went through to the kitchen.
“Mommy!”
My son launched himself at me like a small ship. I held him tight, wrapping my arms around him. He leaned against me and the relief we both felt held us close. I could smell the shower gel and shampoo smell of him and my heart felt better. Something in my world was constant, at least.
Ryanne, calmly frying eggs, caught my eye.
“We fixed breakfast,” she said. “Coffee’s on the way.”
I glanced at her, unable to speak my thankfulness. She must have seen the expression on my face. She nodded.
“Got time for some toast?” she asked.
I looked at the clock. It was only quarter-past seven. We had plenty of time. I nodded. “Great.”
I sat down at the table, feeling slightly nauseous. I couldn’t shake the feeling from my body of being pinned down, trying to fight for breath. Seeing Reid’s face, transformed into a mask of fury. I didn’t really want to eat anything.
“Coffee?” Ryanne raised a brow at me.
“Thanks.”
I felt myself start to return to normal as I sat and drank the coffee. Scalding and sweet, it was familiar and helped me feel more stable. I glanced at Ryanne. She cast a worried glance my way. I shook my head and looked down at my plate.
We ate in silence, interspersed with Josh’s vivid recounting of a dream he’d had. I saw my friend darting worried glances at me and I ached to talk to her – even though I didn’t know what I would say.
I didn’t say anything in front of Josh. When he ran down the hall to brush his teeth and fetch his things, she turned to me.
“Did you have a good night?”
I looked at my feet. I was wearing the ballet flats from yesterday. I shrugged. “Kind of.”
She didn’t ask any questions, for which I was grateful. She just ran a hand through her brown hair. “Josh was very good,” she said. “He went to bed at eight, just like he was supposed to. And thanks for dinner.”
“Don’t mention it,” I said swiftly. “Ryanne, I can’t thank you enough.”
“I’m just glad you’re okay.”
I drove Josh to school, my mind in a daze – the moment we’d kissed overlayered, endlessly, by the moment he’d attacked me. I had my uniform in the back of the car, ready to change into at work. As I did so, I felt something in my pocket. I took it out.
His message.
I looked at the handwriting, the scrawl of name and number, and felt full of emotions. I didn’t know what to do.
“Oh, Reid,” I sighed. I put the paper in my pocket again. I folded my blouse into my bag, ready to change back into at the end of work. I didn’t know what to do about it, or about him, or anything.
I can’t be with somebody who would hurt me. I can’t handle another one like that. I can’t.
“Hayley! Great!” Ryanne rushed past me in the hallway as I came out, dressed for work. “Ready to go?”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah,” I said. “I am.”
The place was full – Monday morning was our busiest time. Everyone in the entire town seemed to need even more caffeine than usual.
By midday, I collapsed against the door of the tiny staffroom, where I’d changed that morning. I checked my phone and decided to send a text. Despite what had happened, I was concerned for his well-being. He’d clearly been somewhere else when everything had gone down. And what he’d said before he came back to himself… he’d obviously been in the throes of war. I still didn�
�t know if I wanted to be with him – the volatility was scary – but I knew deep down that he was a good man and I genuinely hoped he could deal with his demons.
I hope you’re alright.
It was twenty-five minutes later that I felt my phone buzz. I was busy getting orders at a table, so I didn’t have a chance to look until two o’ clock. By then, there were three messages.
Hayley. I’m so sorry. I wish I hadn’t freaked out like that. I hope you can forgive me. Hayley? You are okay, aren’t you? Can you talk sometime?
I slid the phone back into my pocket, feeling terrible but also not knowing what to say.
Every few minutes my mind kept on playing back over my memories of Joel. Things I thought I’d forgotten about kept on resurfacing. The way he’d talked to me so scornfully. The once or twice he’d pushed me, or shaken me, and his horrible threats about what he’d do if he caught me. I was terrified that that pattern was playing out again. I shivered, remembering the way he’d gripped my arms, shaking me like a ragdoll, last time I’d seen him. I felt my body go tense and I wished my mind could just forget it. But the feeling of Reid’s fingers on my neck had felt no different – violent, cruel.
“He’s not Joel, Hayley.”
“What was that?” Ryanne asked, interrupting my thoughts as she cannoned past me, a laden tray in both hands.
“Nothing,” I shrugged.
“What’s up?” she asked me. “You’re being weird. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Nothing’s up, and I’m fine.”
I turned away before she could see the expression on my face. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about this. Not until I’d made up my own mind.
I was changing back into my clothes, about to collect Joshua from school – it was just past five o’ clock and he’d be finishing with soccer practice soon – when I felt my phone go off.
I couldn’t ignore him forever. I could at least send him a brief message. I could let him know I was fine. That didn’t make me have to come to a decision, either way.
I took out my phone and I almost dropped it.
The message wasn’t from Reid. Did you get my flower? I stared at it, like I’d just seen a poisonous snake.
A strangled cry escaped my lips before I could stop it. I’d been right in the first place. Joel had found us.
I put my phone back in my pocket and leaned on the wall. I felt my back sliding down it until I was crouched on the floor and I closed my eyes.
I can’t stay here. He’s said he’ll kill me, or hurt Josh. My thoughts chased each other around helplessly. I was stuck in a vicious circle. I couldn’t move my kid again – I’d jeopardize all the stability I’d finally been able to give him. But if we stayed here, it was only a matter of time before Joel caught us. I couldn’t risk that. I had to protect my son at all costs. “Hayley?” I heard my friend outside the door, sounding concerned. “Hey. Hayley. You in there? It’s five-thirty.”
I groaned. “I know,” I said.
I walked past her and out into the evening, feeling like my life was at an end.
“Mommy!” Josh called as he jumped into the car beside me. “I won the match! Scored the best goal.”
“Great job baby,” I said softly. I let his voice wash around me and wished, more than anything, that I could let him stay.
The first thing I did when I got inside was to block the number that had sent the text about the flower. I felt a little better. Somehow, that helped somewhat to allay the threat.
It was two days later when I got another text. It was just when Josh had come back from school. I was in the kitchen, cutting up onions.
I lifted the phone from the sideboard and froze.
I saw you at work today. Nice uniform. It suits you. Melissa’s seems like a classy place.
I dropped the phone onto the counter.
“No,” I whispered. “No. No, no no.”
He knew where I worked. I couldn’t handle it anymore. He could come around there anytime, when I was leaving – I was so vulnerable then as I walked from the café to where I left my car, in the big garage on the next block.
Part of my brain was on autopilot. I lifted the phone and scrolled through for Ryanne’s number. It started ringing and, without thinking, I answered it.
It was Reid, I noticed as I pressed the “answer” button.
“Hayley?”
“Oh, Reid…” I said. And then, before I could stop myself, I burst into tears.
26
Reid
“Hayley?” I asked. “Hayley? What is it? Are you okay? Where are you?”
I could hear her sobbing uncontrollably. I had called her to tell her my good news. I had gone to the local Veterans Affairs office to ask about getting help with my trauma. I was planning to start therapy. It was a huge step and one I wanted her to know about. If she knew, maybe she would understand. Maybe she would trust me.
Now, she was sobbing, unable to stop. What was happening back there? My first instinct was to get in the car and drive to where she was. Something bad was happening. Someone had hurt her, scared her. My mind flashed back to that incident in the parking lot. It was something to do with that. I just knew it.
“Hayley?” I was desperate. “Hayley? Tell me what’s going on? Please, Hayley! I need to know. ”
“I’m fine. I’m sorry,” she said. She sounded strained. “Please go, Reid. I can’t talk now. I didn’t even mean to answer.”
“Okay. I’ll go,” I said, trying to make my voice gentle, even though by now I was really panicking. “Okay. But please just let me know you’re okay?”
I heard her take a deep breath. “I’m fine. It’s fine. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I said, trying hard not to panic myself. “Just keep safe, huh?”
“Okay. Bye.”
When she’d hung up, I paced across the room, again and again. I couldn’t understand what was happening. I recalled the way she’d responded in the parking lot the other morning. I could see the fear on her face then, when she’d found that flower. Something about that had bothered her terribly, even though – like now – she’d tried to cover it up. Somebody was tormenting her. Somebody had upset her.
The overwhelming need to protect her settled in my gut.
I was worried, desperately worried. I just had no idea about what she would think if I followed my instincts and just went to her house. I wanted to check she was okay – but would she take it badly, given how she’d barely been responding to me lately? I didn’t want to add to her fears.
“Come on, man…if you go and see her now, you’ll be able to sort things out.” That in itself was enough of a possibility for me. At least if I turned up and she hated me for it, I’d know where I stood.
When I got there, Hayley’s car was in the parking spot. I ran up the steps and rang the doorbell.
I waited for a minute, then rang again.
“Who’s there? Ryanne? Is that you?” A voice called through the door.
“It’s me,” I said. “Reid.”
“Oh.”
I could almost hear her pause. I wondered if she was going to open the door. I listened at the door, tense and waiting.
“Who is it?” a child’s voice asked, cheerfully. “Is it Auntie Ryanne?”
“No,” I heard her say. “It’s Reid.”
“Is he here for dinner? I told you he liked it! Can you let him in?”
I bit back a grin. I could almost hear Hayley’s consternation on the other side of the door. “I didn’t invite him,” she said. I heard the acerbic tone to her voice and winced. “Oh.”
I could hear disappointment in the child’s tone. It echoed my own. I was on her doorstep, trying to be a hero, only to be turned away?
I turned away and walked slowly down the front steps. The door behind me opened.
“Reid?” a voice called out. “What’re you doing here?”
She was standing on the step. Dressed in leggings and a big t-shirt, her blonde hair tous
led around her face, she looked more casual than I’d ever seen her. She also looked stunning. I could see tear stains on her face, but she wasn’t crying now.
“I had to come,” I said softly. “I just had to check you’re okay. I’ll go, if you want. I probably shouldn’t have come.”
“I’m okay,” she said tiredly. “But, thanks.”
We looked at each other. I wanted to let her know how much I cared and how sorry I was for what had happened. I just had no idea how to say it.
I swallowed hard. “I’ll go now,” I said. “I’m just glad you’re alright.” I turned away to walk down the steps.
“Hey!” a voice yelled from behind me, bright and enthusiastic. “Hi Reid!”
It was Joshua, and he was beaming at me.
“Josh,” Hayley snapped. “Get back inside.”
I saw his face crumple and I looked at her and then came slowly back up the steps. I looked at Josh’s big serious eyes.
“Hey, Josh,” I said. I reached out a hand to him. He looked up at me with surprising trust. I felt a lump form in my throat. “What’s up?”
“Mommy says we have to go again.”
“What?”
“Josh…” Hayley warned. “Go inside? Please?”
I looked from her to the kid and back. His brown eyes were tragic, but he nodded.
“Okay,” he said.
As I watched, he turned around and went back inside. I felt like something in my own soul crimped.
Hayley stood on the step, looking at me wordlessly. She was barefoot, I noticed. My heart thumped. She looked worried, tense and so alluring I had to fight to keep my hands to myself.
“Hayley?” I said. “Is there something I can do?”
She looked at her feet. After a long minute, she looked up at me. “It’s fine,” she said.
“No, it isn’t,” I said. “You can pretend as much as you like that everything is fine – it doesn’t fix things. I know because I do it a lot.”