The Naughtiest Unicorn at Christmas

by Pip Bird

  ‘I’m going to wish for EVERLASTING CHOCOLATE,’ said Flo.

  Dave whinnied loudly in approval.

  ‘I’m going to wish I was a unicorn!’ said Seb. Seb’s unicorn, Firework, who had a rainbow mane and wore shades, gave an approving snort.

  ‘I’m going to wish I can FLY!’ said Freya.

  ‘I’m going to wish to be FAMOUS,’ said Darcy. ‘What about you, Raheem?’

  ‘I don’t know yet,’ said Raheem. ‘I need to think about it and make a list of all the possible options.’

  Mira knew what her wish was going to be: to win the Star of the Show medal!

  ‘Come on, Dave,’ she said. ‘We need to spend EVERY SPARE MOMENT learning our lines!’

  A little while later, Class Red stood nervously in the corridor, waiting to audition for the play. Mira really, really hoped that she and Dave could play the lead roles: Snow Unicorn and Snow Child.

  ‘Wouldn’t it be amazing to play the role of the first EVER UBFFs, Dave?’ she said.

  Dave gave a weird, muffled snort. Mira saw that he had his head in her school bag.

  ‘Dave!’ Mira grabbed her bag and looked inside. He had bitten a chunk out of her script. ‘It’s lucky that I’ve learned the lines for every part!’ She slipped Dave a mini doughnut, which he slurped up happily. ‘And you can have the rest of them if you help me ace this audition.’

  Dave’s eyes went wide, and then he started busily wiping the spit off Mira’s script with his hooves.

  ‘You learned ALL the lines?’ said Raheem, sounding impressed. ‘The main part has loads!’

  ‘It didn’t take me too long,’ said Mira. ‘I just read it twenty-nine times! And actually, the narrator has the most lines of all.’

  Raheem looked at his own script, which was looking a bit dog-eared. ‘I’ve been looking through for parts that don’t have any lines so I could just mime,’ he said worriedly.

  ‘You may now enter my realm,’ called a voice from inside the classroom.

  The children all filed in. Mira saw that the Classroom 7 sign had a bit of paper stuck over it which read REALM OF THE THEATRE. All the chairs and desks had been moved to the side, and in the middle of the room stood a very tall woman dressed head to toe in purple.

  ‘I am Ms Dazzleflank’ she boomed. ‘When the mood takes you, Class Red, be at one with the floor.’

  Class Red stared at her.

  ‘Sit down,’ said Ms Dazzleflank.

  They sat down.

  ‘ACTING!’ Ms Dazzleflank shouted, making them all jump. ‘Acting is NOT about learning lines.’

  Mira felt a pang of disappointment and gripped her script. Raheem raised his eyebrows hopefully. Darcy looked delighted. She’d told Mira and Raheem earlier that she hadn’t read any of the script ‘because it looked quite long’.

  ‘ACTING,’ shouted Ms Dazzleflank, ‘is about FEELING the words take hold of you. Let them BURST forth and gush out of you like a waterfall.’

  Class Red all looked at each other. Flo put up her hand.

  Ms Dazzleflank shut her eyes, held up her arms and said, ‘Speak!’

  ‘Um,’ said Flo. ‘Just to check – are we supposed to wet ourselves?’

  ‘NO,’ said Ms Dazzleflank. ‘It was a metaphor. Now repeat after me: there is a fountain in my MIND.’

  ‘There is a fountain in my mind,’ chorused the class.

  ‘There is a waterfall in my CHEST,’ said Ms Dazzleflank.

  ‘There is a waterfall in my chest,’ repeated the class.

  ‘There is a . . . unicorn in your bag?’ said Ms Dazzleflank.

  ‘There is a . . . unicorn in your bag,’ said the class all together.

  ‘No, I mean, you – that girl there. There’s a unicorn in your bag,’ said Ms Dazzleflank, pointing at Flo.

  ‘No, I mean, you – that girl there. There’s a unicorn in your bag,’ said the class.

  ‘For goodness’ sake,’ said Ms Dazzleflank.

  ‘For goodness’ sake,’ said the class.

  Eventually Ms Dazzleflank strode over to where Flo was sitting – and where Dave stood with his head buried in a school bag, making suspicious munching sounds.

  ‘Dave!’ Mira grabbed the school bag and pulled it off his head. Dave looked around in surprise but continued to chew.

  ‘He’s eaten your whole script! I’m so sorry, Flo!’ said Mira. ‘I think he was trying to get to the snacks.’

  Dave coughed and spat something on to the ground, which Flo picked up. It was two tiny scraps of paper – all that was left of her script. One said ‘I’m so lonely’ and the other said ‘Look at the sn’.

  ‘You can use mine,’ said Mira, going back to her bag to get her script.

  ‘Don’t worry. These are great!’ said Flo, grinning and holding up the pieces of paper.

  ‘Now,’ said Ms Dazzleflank, ‘before we audition, we will get a SENSE of the world of the play. What is this story? How does it FEEL? What does it TASTE like? Can I have a volunteer to open that magical door?’

  The class all looked at each other again.

  ‘Can someone give a brief summary of what happens in the play,’ said Ms Dazzleflank.

  ‘I can! I can!’ said Mira, leaping to her feet. ‘I can tell the whole story with all the details and everything.’

  ‘Details are wonderful. But let’s keep it brief,’ said Ms Dazzleflank, glancing at her watch. But Mira had already begun.

  ‘Once upon a time,’ said Mira, ‘there was a girl who lived in a cottage in the woods and her life was quite ordinary and boring, and more than anything she wished she could swap lives with the Prince who lived next door in a massive castle, because the Prince had EVERYTHING you could ever want, like his favourite food any time he liked, and the best toys that he just threw away at the end of the day and got new ones in the morning. And seventy million horses.’

  ‘He can’t have had that many horses. That’s stupid,’ said Jake, who always liked to prove he knew the most about everything.

  ‘And EIGHTY million horses,’ continued Mira, glaring at Jake. ‘And one day it was winter, and it was snowing loads. And the Girl was standing outside the castle getting snowed on and being sad and staring up at the Prince’s bedroom window –’

  ‘Perhaps we could speed up – I only have this room for an hour,’ said Ms Dazzleflank.

  Mira talked faster. ‘And then she heard a voice calling to her . . . “Don’t be sad, little girl!” And she turned round and there was this weird scabby old donkey, and she was like, “WHAT?! Did that donkey just talk?” And the Donkey said, “I was wondering why you are so sad?” And the Girl told him all about how she wished she could swap lives with the Prince. And it turned out that the Donkey was magic and could grant WISHES!’

  ‘Yay!’ shouted Flo.

  ‘And so the Donkey said the Girl could have ONE WISH, and the Girl knew she was definitely going to wish to swap lives with the Prince. But the Donkey said you should have a think about it. And then the Donkey MELTED into the air!’

  There was a GASP from the class.

  ‘We’ll have to leave it there,’ said Ms Dazzleflank, clapping her hands.

  ‘But we didn’t even get to the bit where the Snow Unicorn appears!’ said Seb.

  ‘We need to start the auditions!’ said Ms Dazzleflank.

  ‘Everyone knows what happens,’ said Jake. ‘The Girl makes her wish, the weird, scabby old Donkey turns into the Snow Unicorn, they become UBFFs and they all sing Jingle Horns.’

  Mira sat back down in her place in the circle. Telling the story had got her even more excited about being in the play. She wanted the main part (and the medal) more than ANYTHING!

  Darcy was up first. She wheeled to the middle of the circle with her unicorn, Star, trotting by her side.

  ‘And which role will you be auditioning for?’ asked Ms Dazzleflank.

  ‘Anything except the main one,’ said Darcy.

  The class murmured in surprise.

  ‘Star doesn’t
want to be a weird scabby old donkey for most of the play and I respect that,’ Darcy explained.

  ‘In your own time,’ said Ms Dazzleflank. ‘Don’t you need a script?’

  ‘Oh, I’m going to let the words drain out of my body or whatever you said,’ Darcy told her.

  Darcy and Star took a bow. And then Darcy sang a medley of her favourite Disney songs – with accompanying dance moves – while Star clapped her hooves and beatboxed.

  One by one they all went to the middle of the circle. A couple of people wanted to be the main role, and some didn’t mind what they were. Jake said he wanted to be the Prince, because the Prince was obviously the coolest, and Freya said she’d also quite like to be the Prince. Raheem said he’d like to be the smallest role and performed a short mime.

  Mira thought her audition went pretty well. Dave was on his best behaviour, although he did keep stopping and nudging Mira to see if he could have his mini doughnuts yet.

  Ms Dazzleflank said it was excellent to see how Dave had got into the character of a scruffy donkey and that he’d even done ‘pretend stage farts’ which ‘showed such commitment to the role’.

  ‘Um yes,’ said Mira. ‘Definitely pretend farts. Well done, Dave.’

  Then Flo auditioned and repeated the only bits of her script Dave hadn’t eaten – ‘I’m so lonely’ and ‘Look at the sn’ – in lots of different ways.

  When everyone had auditioned they all sat back down and chatted, while Ms Dazzleflank looked through her notes.

  Darcy went up to the front to speak to her, but Mira couldn’t hear what they were saying. Mira fiddled with the corners of her script and watched the drama teacher while Dave noisily chomped on his mini doughnuts. She just hoped they’d done enough. She REALLY wanted the main part AND that Star of the Show medal!

  Ms Dazzleflank was going to put the cast list on the Unicorn School noticeboard by the end of the day, which seemed to Mira like a very long time to wait.

  Luckily, all of their lessons had a fun festive theme. Their cookery teacher, Mr Nosebag, showed them how to make Christmas cookies and Decorated Festive Carrots. Dave sneakily ate quite a few of the cookies but generously left the carrots.

  Then it was PE, where they did ice skating on the frozen swimming pool. Dave kept licking the ice as if it was a giant ice lolly until Miss Hind told him to stop it. Finally it was Maths, where they were doing Fun Festive Times Tables, which were actually just normal times tables but everyone was wearing Christmas hats. Dave fell asleep (Mira didn’t really blame him for that one).

  And then FINALLY it was the end of the day and time to find out their roles in the play!

  Ms Dazzleflank pinned a sheet of names to the noticeboard and Class Red crowded round.

  Mira was stuck at the back and couldn’t see the sheet.

  She tried to peer round people’s heads.

  ‘That’s so cool, Seb – you get to look after the eighty million horses!’ said Freya.

  ‘I wonder how they’re going to get them all on the stage,’ said Tamsin thoughtfully.

  Darcy flicked through the script for mentions of Magical Sprite 2 and then decided she’d rather play the role of Grand High Wizard, which she’d just made up.

  ‘I’M THE NARRATOR??’ shouted Raheem in terror.

  ‘Oh that’s perfect,’ said Ms Dazzleflank. ‘Do it just as loudly as that on the night.’

  ‘BUT –’ spluttered Raheem. The teacher held up her hand.

  ‘You must save your voice,’ she said. ‘Your friend told me just how wonderfully you read aloud to your sister in the car park this morning.’ Ms Dazzleflank pointed at Darcy, who grinned at Raheem and gave him a double thumbs-up. Raheem looked at Darcy with an expression that was half shock and half fury.

  Eventually Mira got to the front and could see the list of names.  There was the all-important role…

  ‘SPARKLES!’ screamed Flo, who was standing next to her. ‘We’re the Snow Unicorn and Child!’

  Mira felt like her heart had plummeted all the way into her shoes. The class surrounded Flo to congratulate her. Mira joined in, blinking to make sure she didn’t cry.

  Everyone was wandering away from the noticeboard now, chatting about their roles. Mira looked at the list again. I bet I’m Magical Sprite 3 or something, she thought glumly.

  But she wasn’t Magical Sprite 3.

  ‘Ms Dazzleflank?’ Mira said uncertainly.

  ‘Hmm?’ said the teacher, who was turning to go.

  ‘I don’t think . . . Dave and I are on the list?’

  Ms Dazzleflank scanned the sheet of names.

  ‘Er . . . yes, of course,’ she said, looking through her notes. ‘Of course, Mira and Dave are . . .’ She picked up a script and flicked through it. ‘The very important roles of . . . Worm and Pebble!’

  She wrote ‘Mira and Dave: Worm and Pebble ’ in pencil at the bottom of the cast list.

  Mira sighed. She tried to pick up her bag, but Dave was lying on it and he had gone into one of his deep sleeps where he was impossible to move. Like a rock, thought Mira. Or . . .

  ‘A pebble!’ she said out loud. ‘You’re right, Dave. Sometimes it’s the tortoise that wins the race. Sometimes it’s the Worm that gets the medal. We’re going to be the BEST Worm and Pebble there has ever been!’

  The next morning it was time for their first play rehearsal, so Class Red headed to the REALM OF THE THEATRE right after breakfast.

  Class Yellow brought in the scenery they’d made the previous day, and set it up around the room. The real performance would be outside, around the big special Christmas tree, but for now they put a little pot of cress to mark where the tree would go.

  ‘I basically painted that whole castle,’ said Rani, stepping over Mira, who was lying on the floor being a worm. ‘Are the Worm and the Pebble even in the story? I don’t remember them at all.’

  Mira ignored her sister and kept wiggling. After all, who said that the winner of the Star of the Show medal couldn’t be a worm?

  When Class Yellow had left, Ms Dazzleflank got all of Class Red to stand in a circle.

  ‘You are no longer Class Red,’ she said. ‘You are Energy. You are Emotion. You are The Play. You are the THEATRE. We shall begin. FEEL your way, and remember that in theatre there is no right or wrong. There is only truth.’

  Flo stepped to the front and took a deep breath.

  ‘I AM SO LONELY I WISH I HAD SOME FRIENDS SHE POINTS AT THE CASTLE OH THE PRINCE HAS ALL HE COULD EVER WANT –’

  ‘Your energy is wonderful, Flo,’ interrupted Ms Dazzleflank, ‘but let’s just give the lines a chance to breathe and try not to say the stage directions.’

  ‘I’M SORRY MS DAZZLEFLANK I’M JUST SO EXCITED AND I THOUGHT THERE WASN’T ANY RIGHT OR WRONG IN THEATRE.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Ms Dazzleflank. ‘Of course. Now I think we’ll move on to a later bit in the script. Can we have our Narrator?’

  Raheem shuffled forward. Darcy and Mira gave him a thumbs up. He breathed in and out a few times, and then he held his script in front of his face and began to speak.

  ‘Once upon a time there was a girl.’

  Unfortunately he was speaking so quietly that no one could hear him. As they went through the scene, despite all the teacher’s encouragement, Raheem was so nervous he could only whisper. Flo, meanwhile, continued to scream all her lines.

  Darcy managed to get the Grand High Wizard into quite a lot of the scenes by inventing reasons to come on, such as asking the Prince if he wanted her to magic up a new crown, or because she thought she might have left her wand and her hat in the forest somewhere.

  But, brilliantly, because the Worm and the Pebble weren’t mentioned in the script, Ms Dazzleflank said that they could appear in every scene! So in every scene Mira wiggled away on the floor, and Dave was excelling at his role as the Pebble because all he had to do was not move – which meant he could have a doze.

  When they finished the run-through, the class got back into their
circle again, around Ms Dazzleflank’s desk because she’d had to have a little sit-down.

  ‘Wonderful, really magical,’ she said, having a big gulp of tea.

  ‘THANKS,’ screamed Flo.

  ‘It’s all going to be wonderful,’ said the teacher faintly. ‘And Raheem, I just know you will find your voice for the big day.’

  Raheem nodded, but he didn’t look so sure.

  As she took the morning register Miss Glitterhorn told Class Red that it was almost time for their quest! Everyone cheered except Dave, who had fallen asleep face-down under the desk with his bum poking up in the air.

  ‘Now then children,’ said Miss Glitterhorn. ‘As you know, your performance of The Legend of the Snow Unicorn will take place under the special Christmas tree in the paddock.’

  The class all nodded, except Flo, who had thought they would be performing under the little pot of cress.

  ‘But can anyone see the problem?’ asked Miss Glitterhorn. ‘Yes, Darcy?’

  ‘There isn’t a Christmas tree in the paddock, Miss Glitterhorn,’ said Darcy.

  ‘Exactly!’ said Miss Glitterhorn. ‘Our quest shall be to journey into the Fearsome Forest and return with the perfect Christmas tree.’

  Class Red were very excited about this quest.

  ‘We have to make sure it is literally the most perfect tree in the whole forest,’ said Tamsin.

  ‘It needs to have LOADS of pine needles, and smell all Christmassy,’ said Seb.

  ‘And it needs to be MASSIVE,’ said Darcy. Everyone nodded in agreement.

  Miss Glitterhorn told them that when they found the perfect tree, they would need to say the Perfect Tree Spell. The spell was on a scroll, which Miss Glitterhorn gave to Darcy, as she was going to be the quest leader.

  Then Miss Glitterhorn went round checking that everyone had packed what they needed for the quest – notebook, water bottle, snack. Raheem was bringing a spare of everything, plus extra socks, in his emergency bumbag.