Yoshiwara

by Eve Kaan

  I slowly placed her on the futon.

  She is lying on her back as I sat on the hottest place of her body stretching my back. At that moment I felt her hand pulling my waist obi as her eyes gazed at my dissolved kimono. Suddenly the scent of arousal filled the room. Silk slipped from half of her back when she propped herself up to kiss my neck, her hands slid behind me pressing my body firmly towards her. My blood pressure raised. The need for her is greater than the mountain. I want to have her, entirely.

  I shifted to the side, and she squeezed me with her legs placing them around my waist. I can't resist her, I'm weak - completely seduced. She's now sitting in my lap pressing her wet spot on my female hill. Somewhere deep in the background of craving, I sense fear overwhelmed by the instinct to take her. Our touches became even more intense while caressing each other's breasts. Both of her nipples stiffened under my touches. I'm becoming aware of her hot pulsation on my tight, shrouded with sweet liquid of intoxicating effect. We're breathing harder than ever without breaking our lips from the moment she turned our positions, allowing me to know how attractive I am to her. There will be no turning back if we merge now as lovers.

  ✽✽✽

  Uta

  'Uta...' she leaned her mouth to my ear saying my name, then lowered her lips down to my neck. I'm trembling like a stormy wind through the cold streets. With every part of my being, I belong only to her. I feel our heat merging, I feel the closeness of her crotch. '... I-I... I can't...' she suddenly said in a whisper, stopping the movement of our bodies. At that moment I swallowed the sharp pain in my chest, she's rejecting me - again. Rin lowered her head on my shoulder. '... I don't want to be hurt.' She instantly embraced me while I'm falling apart. 'Forgive me, Uta.' I got off from her to my knees closing the kimono, then hurriedly started looking for my obi. I can't even look at her. I want to escape to the other side of the world, how will I deal with this sadness if I have to stay near her. The heat accumulated in my eyes, I can't show her how humiliated I feel. I need some air.

  Her hands instantly went tightly around my body. 'Stay.'

  I'm broken, how can she ask me to be this strong, I can't, I simply can't...

  As hard as I tried to get out of her arms, she didn't allow me. I lost the ability to speak, I want her to let me go - forever.

  Rin leaned her head on my back. 'I need you, Uta.' We stayed like that for a few heartbeats. I'm weak, I can't leave her - what she has created is stronger than common sense. She whispered helplessly, 'I can't be hurt,' a sentence which made me forget about everything. Suddenly all the pain disappeared - she feels the same way as me. I lowered my arms to the waist, interlacing my fingers slowly with hers. Through the sob she silently said, 'I want to hold you until morning.' I turned to her, wiping her tears with my lips, 'I'll fight for us.'

  'I will not give up on you.' I whispered in her ear. We lied down embracing in dissolved kimono's - my heart listening to her beating.

  Again, I slept in Rin's arms and woke up alone. The view from her chambers is as magical now as it was the previous night, despite the fact that she rejected me. She reviled her feelings. I didn't know that a person like her could be so sensitive. I don't understand what frightens her so much, I can also be hurt, but I'm willing to risk it. She's worth it. From outside she's powerful and strong, but vulnerable on the inside. I'll wait for her forever if needed, she's my other half. I got up from the futon tidying my obi.

  I went to the door - hopefully, I'll see her - at least to greet her before leaving. I'm sure she'll send for me again soon, actually I hope she will. I'll die if she leaves me in this emotional state. After opening the door, I saw her standing there with a plate full of coffee, tea, and fruits. She bid me a good morning through a bright smile. I stepped back in relief returning the greeting - she actually came. Rin stepped in, 'This is the coffee I prepared - no one's as good in coffee as I am.' She lowered it on the table, 'I wanted to surprise you, but you've already woken up.' She opened the windows to let some fresh air in. I just gazed at her with a smile, she's in an unexpectedly good mood. 'Feel free to do your morning hygiene. I will prepare breakfast for us. I-I mean, umm - if you have time to stay for a bit?'

  'I'm looking forward to some coffee, thank you. I'll be right back.'

  Soon after I came, she offered, 'Coffee is still hot, I put a teaspoon of sugar in yours.' I sat across from where Rin was. She tried to make a pleasant atmosphere. There is a little nervousness building up inside of me - I have to be careful with her, she is so fragile. As she poured the milk into her cup, for a moment there, she seemed pensive. I'm beginning to daunt she'll going to repulse me because of fear.

  I took a sip, 'Coffee is delicious, thank you.' My hand shivered slightly as I lowered the cup. She waited for our eyes to meet. Rin noticed my sad look, even though I was smiling. She stretched her hand towards me, reaching my fingers, our palms were slowly joined.

  'Uta.' We held hands. 'Thank you for staying with me tonight.' She lowered her eyes to the table, but then looked at me again shortly after. 'All that's happened, if it weren't for you I would've left Yoshiwara and never came back.' I pulled my arm out of hers, pain piercing me again through my chest. I was just a comfort to her. 'I wish I had more courage...' she pulled her hand away, looking me intensely, '... when I was alone with you...' She is justifying herself, I thought she wanted to deny every moment. 'Uta, it was wonderful for me.' I was confused, I felt like screaming because I was so helpless. 'Why did you give up then? Why did you refuse me!!? I want to know what you feel!? For what do you need the courage?' I'm just a regular night girl, educated to be a stipendiary and nothing more than that. Then it all awestruck me at once, becoming clear to me. That's right - I'm an educated stipendiary. I looked at her, she didn't lose hope in her eyes. Then I realized - she is afraid I would use her because of her wealth. What a situation. Her gold has educated me to become a great seductress for whom only gold should be interest in life, but eventually, the destiny has decided differently. She fell in love with me. How would she ever believe that I am honest with her? In helplessness, I just commented silently.

  'I am happy because you stayed in Yoshiwara - please, just do not give up.'

  'I've just started with Yoshiwara.' Am I her Yoshiwara? She was silent, looking at me for a long time, then she continued in a different tone. 'I'm not sure where to begin, I didn't say anything to anyone. I hope I can count on your discretion?' She took out her cigarettes. 'I'll step away, so my smoke wouldn't discomfort your breakfast.'

  'Don't – it doesn't bother me, I'm not hungry anyway.' I said quickly, then flushed, and went on, 'Of course I'll be discreet.' I smiled, looking in my lap.

  'I know Uta, I shouldn't have asked that.'

  'If I were in your place I would pretend as if nothing had happened.' After a short break, needed to seize my nervousness, I continued. 'If they were to find out that you have discovered something, they would start to hide and increase their cautiousness in the suspicious activities.' I head her full attention on this subject now. 'But if you leave everything as it is now, their laxity will only grow, and that means everything will become even more casual.' I took a sip of her coffee.

  'Do you think they will reduce their caution with time?' She stared through the window, holding a cigarette stick in her mouth.

  'I'm sure - they've already reduced it.'

  'What do you mean?'

  'An example is your situation with the field.' I spoke very calmly. 'They didn't expect you to come to the field when the flood occurred. You caught them doing business in losses, and you realized something was happening. I believe that you would've fully revealed everything if it wasn't for the party you were hurrying to. All the areas are the same I'm afraid.'

  ''You are right Uta. I have to get them all together. If I reveal only one, others will be frightened, so they will increase the caution or change the way of stealing.' She breathed a long smoke in and slowly exhaled it out. 'Where do I get the strength to stay normal
to everyone when I know what they are doing behind my back?'

  'You are the Respected lady. You can be however you want with them, you just can't differ from your business decisions until now. Everything must remain as it has been, without changes. - Although, you always have the ability to restrain yourself.' I blushed immediately, hiding behind the cup.

  'I'll need some help from the inside.' Rin gave me a meaningful look. I told her that it was a great idea which I wanted to propose subtly next after we passed the subject of how those women spoke without any suspense in front of me. She expressed a few angry moments then realized that this should be seen as an advantage, which goes in our favour. 'At least they showed us how we can reassess them all.' She turned to me. 'Tomorrow is a big home party, and a fair outside of Yoshiwara will be organized in three days for girls to perform - I wasn't planning on going, but now I'll send a confirmation response to every big call.' She stopped briefly. 'I'd like you to come with me to each of those events, so you could check on them. Gina or Nori can always act as clients with whom you will spend the night after you squeeze out every drop of adverse intentions from our staff and ladies.' We have gone through the details of our future arrangements at events. We talked until the sun raised almost straight over us. On my leave, she looked at me for a long while as we stood at the door. She placed her hand into my palm. That scent of hers is overwhelming, I really want to kiss her.

  ✽✽✽

  Rin

  'You, Respected lady, are the reason for my happiness.' Uta said quietly. She hesitated with her departure, not making a move. I want to keep her beside me all day. Actually, I want to keep her with me till the end of time. I would give myself to her, at least one part of me to begin with.

  'Uta, for a long time now I'm not a Respected lady for you. Don't speak to me as if I'm above you anymore - I don't want to go back to a point when we were only two strangers.'

  'From the first moment, you were more than that for me.' With this answer, another wall fell down inside of me. I leaned toward her sweet dimples. I want those soft lips just for a moment before she goes, but I can't be selfish. I leaned my cheek on hers, kissing her under the ear. We remained standing close to each other that way, absorbing the seeming silence of coloured emotions before she left. I watched after her in the corridor, she turned around and prompted tenderness to me. My lips arranged a little smile for everything she aroused in me.

  I'm still scared of her intentions and my own emotions. I'm not brave enough to face emotional reality, not yet - not now. I know I don't have much time, soon I'll have to be sure of the truth behind her words.

  Although she surprised me breaking the barriers with thoughtful bits of advice like to act as if nothing had happened. Her voice woke up the desperately needed courage in me. Especially when she highlighted 'You are the Respected lady.' and subtly instructed to act like that. I don't want to make her unhappy, but It's hard to fight with my doubts. I gave her more of myself than to anyone before. I need her. I want her to know that she is not only a comfort to me. In my mind, our kisses were all I could see.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Uta

  I wear every kiss in traces of jasmine mixed with green tea and a note of lemon.

  The carriage is slowly passing through the dusty streets beneath sakura trees. I can't concentrate on anything other than our gentle caresses from a wonderful night. I miss her, and I didn't even reach my home yet.

  How will I endure until tomorrow when I want to spend every moment with her. All this time I was wondering how she feels – and now, no one is happier than me because of her emotions. I just want a small opportunity so I can prove to her that I don't care about her gold at all. I know that my words don't mean enough, but how else can I prove that I'll do everything for her...

  ✽✽✽

  The house was empty, except for Mother who's sitting at the table. I didn't even cross the threshold, and she already began, 'Uta, ho-how was it? Hmm, was she gentle? Hahaha...,' she laughed, then went on, '... I'm sure, this one, paid as well? Tip? If she is as her aunt, then you have been assured f-for a loooong time.' What is she talking about? I don't know what's happening. 'W-why are you quiet, little one. Have you... disarmed her, with your magic? Utano taught you well!'

  I noticed the serviced jug, full of sake. She wasn't in her bright mind, just sitting there giggling. 'Finally! Our house deserved this. Smart girl! She has gold that can't be spent in t-two lifetimes.' Mother looked at me wearing a grim expression. 'What were you d-d-doing there? Cooome. Tell me everything.' She pointed her hand to the place where I should set, 'Eeeeh... my Uta, you'll have such kimonos of which you could've just dream about till now. And when she starts – to shower us with golden coins, imagine everything you ever wished for.' She heard some gossip, what is it with her? Utano isn't here, so Mother drowns herself in sake. I never understood her habit, as if she was afraid of Utano - she rarely consumed it in front of her.

  'Where is Utano?' She didn't answer me, so I tried again, 'Utano?'

  She only repeated her name, inviting it from her memory. I have never seen her in this state. Her drinking has gone too far this time. Until now she always knew how to dose it. 'She hasn't returned yet. She, she is giving herself to, to the – other w-women.' The way she spoke, something is wrong. 'Come on! Sit down! Tell your Mother did you have a good time with your lady? Mother just wants you to be happy.' Some words weren't spoken articulately. 'Was she a proper lady? Those know how to behave with innocent girls.' The sadness on her face was unrecognizable, that look could only be seen in Utano's eyes.

  'Mother.'

  'Tell me, Uta, I'm listening to you, I'm listening. Come on, come to your Mother, take – a sip, we should make a toast for you - becoming a w-women.' It's a pity to see her like this.

  'Mother, I don't understand what you're talking about? I haven't become a woman.'

  She just waved her hand. 'Hmm, pih...hmm... how come you haven't? Well, you spent the night with the Respected lady. Don't tell me she is one of those - who only like to watch?' I was astonished. Where did she get such information from? Everything will be ruined.

  'It wasn't such a night Mother. They wrongfully told you a story, people think they see nonexistent things.'

  'Oh..., that little Sayuri. She immediately came to tell me the streets' gossip.' Ugh, I knew it! She is always the first in all of them. Who told her I spent the night there?

  'Mother, Respected lady isn't such a woman. She doesn't use girls' services.' Mother drank a full cup of sake in one sip shrinking her eyes when she was done.

  'Yeah - yeah, she'll be uuusing it eventually, she just caaame – wait and you will see for yourself!' Mother shuddered. 'So what did she do with you in her room, that i-information is reliable.' I don't want her to think of Rin that way, although she will forget this conversation tomorrow.

  'Mother, I feel uncomfortable.'

  Again she waved with her hand, 'Oh... uncomfortable. Tell your Mother. It doesn't matter if she hasn't paid - even better if she, haha​​... fell in love, later - there will be more gold coins.' If Rin would've heard this, she would never even look at me again.

  'Mother, I've drunk too much sake - I'm not used to it, their sake is very strong. I know it doesn't fit one dignified girl, but I was dazed because of it.'

  She shook her head. 'Uta, my Uta.' I'm becoming a liar, again - the truth can be inadequate sometimes.

  'Well, then they placed me in a carriage and I mistakingly told them that I'm spending the night in the Great House - I wasn't in my clear mind. The respected lady was angry, she scolded me before sleep, but she realized that it didn't make sense since I was dosed. So I woke up there. Don't worry about it Mother, I was great at the dance.'

  'Yeah, ahm... Utano aswell - when she was young - it t-took her a long time to get used to alcohol.' She pushed tobacco in her pipe, but there was more tobacco on the floor than in the pipe. 'Aaand...? Respected lady is angry now?'

  'She isn't angry,
Mother. If she was, she wouldn't have invited me on an event in the Great House tomorrow. She also prescribed this to my youth this morning.' Mother is still filling the pipe, better said she is trying to fill it.

  'Aaa... then it's all right, Uta. The only important thing is that she went back to selling your innocence - we can't do anything about that, the Great House has the rights on your first sale.' I took the pipe from her - she looked me confused. I filled it for her, finally.

  'Yeah, yeah - that's the most important thing, Mother.'

  'You know Uta! Do you know hooow your s-sister was at your age?' Why is she talking so much about her? 'She was beautiful, just as she is now. Young, innocent. Honest.' Her eyes were nostalgic. 'Open-hearted. She wasn't so stiff back then.' I can't believe that Utano ever could've been different. What does it mean that she is stiff now? 'Utano always, always stayed - the only one.' What is she talking about? Mother is slowly losing balance, barely keeping her poise.

  'In what Utano remained the only one, Mother?' She looked at me all in wonder as if I was asking her how the tea is being prepared.

  'What - where?'

  'You said she was the only one. In what the only one, Mother?'

  'Well, in the heart. In my heart. Why do you ask!?' She waved her hand, still wondering.

  I'm in shock.

  'Mother, if you'd let me I have to unpack my things and wash all my kimonos?' She didn't pay attention to me at all, so I stood, and then she tensed suddenly.

  'Utano, don't go - I didn't mean to. I'll fix everything...' She looked at me thinking I was Utano - but never mind that. I'm genuinely distraught already because of her previous words. My sister has never said anything about this to me. Now, how to tell her that I am Uta.