Yoshiwara

by Eve Kaan

  'I'll be back, everything is fine.' She lowered her head while swinging.

  'Aa... well, well then, Utano, if you say all is right.' She looked at me with half-closed eyes. 'Just come back, never leave me again.' She was trying to get the smoke out of the pipe that turned off. This conversation didn't make any sense.

  I took the luggage into my room and sat on the futon, not being in a state to unpack my bags just yet. I thought about everything I've heard. Utano and Mother. What's with that story? Mother loves Utano as a woman, I guess for years, and Utano is silent about it - never saying a word. Is this an old love affair? How is it even possible that Utano was ever in love. I've always thought she wasn't capable of having such emotions. Perhaps love was one-sided - just Mother wanting her, but I don't think that Utano would be silent about that, there's no reason for it. She would complain about it or even use it, she was always telling me everything. Utano would hide it only if she feels something. She is lying about her emotions. People tend to use lies for covering themselves or the person of their heart. Just like I act with Rin in front of others. So, Utano knows of love after all. I want to know everything about that, but I have no one to ask. She would surely get angry at Mother and me if I were to mention something. Her wish is that I don't know anything about this side of her past, after all.

  No wonder that Mother is drowning herself in sake, honestly - I could not bear having to wait at home while Rin gives her body to other women either. It would lead me to do the same.

  I'm so interested in what Mother was talking about. I can't pry into it too much, but it really intrigues me. Utano seems open but she is actually full of secrets. We never talked about that winter night, of course, I was uncomfortable to mention. Never wanting to remind her of it. Actually, I don't think Mother should remind her of the reason for her current state. It would be best if she was to go to sleep. It also wouldn't be wise if Kaoru or Hana were to find her with that stories slipping out of her mouth if they come back early.

  I went down descending the stairs to the empty reception room. With silent steps I approached Mother's room, slowly opening the door. She's all right - she went to sleep on her own.

  The moment I decided to leave I saw shunga in her hand. 'Didn't we put that on a waste pile?' Something inside of me made me go in and take a closer look, then I noticed the familiar outlines of a scene that Utano snatched from my hands.

  Mother kept it - my shocking conclusion is that this is her hidden piece of memory.

  I closed the door. There is no end to surprises today. Utano knew for the existence of that shunga – and now all this explains her provocation back then. I would rather live in ignorance than be tempted with so many questions, and seeing this sight raised an even greater curiosity in me. I feel inquisitive to the point of craziness, and I have to pretend I didn't hear or see anything.

  The rest of the day I spent alone without leaving my room. In the evening Kaoru and Hana returned home, bringing their clients along. I couldn't pretend not to hear their sighs from the rooms on the same floor. They really work hard - I must admit. Every breath of theirs led me towards Rin, last night - I could see her in front of my eyes. Jasmine scent consumes my senses in waves. The scenes of her emotional touch awoke in my memory. Her hands sensually sliding over my skin beneath the glorious sky. I trembled every time I felt the beating in her chest, she was passionately leading me to the unknown, shivering along with the warmth of my body. Her lips were leaving traces in complete vividness - I didn't look at her, only felt the rushing blood all over my body. Every part of her tense skin was engraved in my palms which I held on her female part at that moment. Under my fingertips, the juices gushed tempted with thoughts of what could've happened. I remember laying on her, pressing my breasts to hers, absorbing the scent of lust filled female part. I want to feel her underneath me like she hasn't allowed me...

  Several powerful twitches stopped the tension of my crotch. Now I just need her kiss for which I yearn with all my existence. All I want is to sleep on her chest as her skin flashes above every heartbeat. No other women could do that to me. Pain squeezes my chest, and hot fluid fills the area of my eyelid cavities. Maybe I'll never spend the night wrapped in her embrace again. She doubts my intentions only because I can't change what I am. I don't have any influence on it, and even if I could choose I would want to be a poor girl from my past, but her doubts would remain the same - at least she wouldn't risk becoming a miserable misled owner of Yoshiwara. Tears crept along my cheeks. I'm afraid I'll end up with a broken and hardened heart as Utano's has become after so much time. Only hope remains - a belief that I will find a way to prove my honesty is keeping the endurance in me still. I need her like air, and I believe she feels the same - otherwise, she would have dismissed me. The heart always finds a way - like water, at least that's what I read in the books. I turned it in her direction, letting my mind drift into a dream.

  Utano sneaked to my room in the morning, waking me up with the door creaking. She walked to me on her toes. With kissing my forehead she leaned on the futon. I turned my back to her - my lids are still heavy, I would sleep a little longer. 'Come on sleepyhead, it's time for breakfast.' She's trying to wake my body with her soft voice while caressing my hair. The sun is shining directly in my face, making me cranky. 'Utaaaaa.' She whined. 'You sleepyhead, I got up before you, even though I came home in the middle of the night.' I told her in an unarticulated manner to let me be a little longer, but she stayed persistent. 'No, no more sleep. I can't wait any longer to hear how it all was.' She started to tickle me. 'Come on, I won't give you peace.'

  'Don't, Utanooo...' Laughter interrupted my sentence. I came back at her - I was always beating her in tickling.

  'Stop!' she tried to defend herself through laughter.

  'You'll get it now when you woke me up. You asked for it.' I'm not letting her get away with it just yet. 'I am awake now.' She slipped beneath my hands as she crawled to the floor to calm down.

  'Uta, you always have to be the winner.'

  I laughed, 'Don't touch the lion when it sleeps.'

  She approached the futon on which I was lying. 'My little lion, how did it go with preparations and dancing? This morning Mother told me the rest in fragments, what's with her - it seems as if she was just half listening, remembering only bits and pieces of what you've told her.' If Utano only knew how she was listening to me.

  'Well you know Mother, you talk to her, and she starts doing something so she only hears fragments from which she makes her own conclusions.'

  'Of course, I know. She told me you were great at dancing and that she thinks that you drank too much sake.' It got me thinking. Mother remembered quite well actually. Does she remember then what she told me about Utano?

  'Mother told you quite well.'

  'But she couldn't explain how you spent the night at the Great House? You're up to something again Uta?' She asked giving me an amused look under her eyebrows. 'Come on Uta, you can admit to me what you were doing. I know you haven't slept with anyone, but you've been seducing her there.' She didn't wait for my answer. 'Fortunately, it turns out that she is different from Etsu, so she most certainly sent you to sleep when she saw you in that state. Yoshiwara is shaking under the gossips.' Utano looked at me with a smile. 'Not even in my wildest dreams I could imagine that my little sister would be in such scandal. A passionate lover of a Respected lady.' She started to tease me. 'Everyone will be kind to you now. They'll think you're full of gold. Well, Sayuri was already here, this morning, to invite you for some tea.'

  I was shocked. How is it possible that so much dust has arisen from this in such a short time!? It wouldn't be good for my future undercover missions if this story reaches the clients. In fact, the worst would be if Rin hears this, she would be suspicious of me, and I'm already on thin ice with her. I have to drink that tea with Sayuri, to spread a false rumor, about me having to much to drink. It's not really suitable for my reputation, but I have no other options.


  'Utano, I told you already that Respected lady is a proper gentlewoman. I spent the night in a difficult agony because of sake. My whole stomach turned upside down.' She pinched my cheek.

  'And when I told you that you have to create a resistance to sake, you just dismissed me waving your hand. Older sisters must be listened to.'

  For the first time Utano believed in my lie, I felt relief. If she knew the truth, she would only scold me. Now, at least I understand why she acts that way, kind of – in some way, for now. I told her all about dancing and preparations, but deliberately excluding everything about Rin, of course, it turned out that I hardly had seen her.

  'I'm very proud of you Uta. The choreography you performed is one of the most demanding to master, but you are an excellent dancer - must be that you got it from me.' She was joking while pointing to herself. 'I didn't expect anything less from you. So, coffee delighted you, didn't I tell you it's a taste of pleasure.' She got all excited by recalling her experience when she discovered a black drink. 'Now, tell me - what did they say about your first sale, are you invited to some event?' She became serious now.

  'They didn't tell me anything specifically, but I was invited in the Great House tonight - surely for that.' I had to pretend to be naive, she was expecting that.

  ''Great! Uta, I was provided with a big tip, and that got us back on our feet in debt repayment. If Mother would give me that coins back, you could get out of here freely right away.'

  She's still on my debt repayment. I know that my current thoughts are not right, but It's going in my favour that Mother's not returning the gold, otherwise she would make me leave Yoshiwara - I would never see Rin again, and then the whole story cleared in my head. Mother thinks that Utano collects coins for herself, this was the only way Mother could prevent Utano's dramatic departure - that's why Mother doesn't want to return the golden coins. Now, this gold is as worth as a bag of dust. If I was to leave, Rin would abandon me forever. It would look like I ran away from her, despite the fact that confirmation of her feelings assured me she isn't planning on selling me to any other women. She might even think something worse – that I left to prove I don't need her wealth, and she knows I wouldn't have a way to make gold outside of Yoshiwara, except to be a poor farmer who would immediately agree to have a rich matron like Rin. There is a solution to every problem, even for this one - I just don't see it yet, but I have to stay positive. She only needs a little bit of courage to risk.

  'Uta, this kimono is stunning.' Utano took the kimono I wore at the event. 'This luxurious silk is beautifully woven. I've already heard they give them to girls after the performance. It's really a generous gift.' She pressed it to my body. 'Come on, put it on, let me see how you looked there.' I took kimono from her hands.

  'Oh, I don't have the strength to get dressed. Here - you can see it this way well enough, yes it's beautiful.' She didn't give up until I put it on.

  'Mmm... it has such a pleasant scent. I would say that it's an oil of jasmine,' Utano focused holding her eyes closed, 'with a note of green tea and lemon if I'm not mistaken?' It smells of Rin. I blushed. It was because of the night I had spent with her.

  'Yeah, yeah - just how did you guess Utano. They perfumed us with that oil before we dressed.' She enjoyed the scent.

  'A wonderful scent. I could smell it all day long. I've never sensed anything like this, and my clients are really using a lot of expensive oils.' I have to redirect her from this topic - otherwise, I'll burn out of blush.

  'How was your visit Utano? You are silent as if you were on vacation.' She opened her eyes finally stopping with sniffing my kimono sleeve.

  'Well, actually, I've been on vacation, to be honest. The client is very wealthy, we traveled to the lakes, walked through the forest... I can't complain that I worked a lot. She is an older lady, never married. She lived with her lover until ten years ago,' Utano looked down, 'this is a sad story. '

  'Tell me, you know I'm interested.' We arranged ourselves in a comfortable position.

  'She's rich from the family inheritance. Her father owned the entire fleet of fishing boats. They traveled a lot, even across the ocean. She had open-minded parents, so she never had to marry. Her lady lover was also wealthy. She met her at one of the luxury cruises. They shared life for fifteen years before she died of some illness from the far world – unfortunately, she was infected on some journey. My client lived for ten years in sadness. She never used Yoshiwara until recently.' After a while Utano silenced the volume, talking to me in confidence now. 'Actually, I'm the only girl she's associating with from our parts. She is more interested in the company than the intimate part. I think she is lonely, missing a female hand in some ways. In fact, we weren't intimate - she just wanted to cuddle and sleep in the arms of a woman. I believe, another woman will never touch her in, you know, that way.' She continued her story in her normal tone again. 'Well, what can I say. She's really a proper lady. Extremely educated, with great manners. I truly enjoy our time together, when I'm already honestly speaking.' Utano never talked about a client in that way. Maybe, I have a small opportunity now to subtly ask her about Mother.

  'How is it possible that she hasn't been with another woman in these past ten years?'

  'Well Uta, because she loves her lady indeed. She is the love of her life, because of whom the lady hasn't opened a place to another woman in her heart. One was enough for her.' I nodded my head in confirmation.

  'Does that mean that she is now hard-hearted, hearting because of her death?' Utano thought about it for a bit.

  'It's not a harden heart, I'd say she's very closeted - when I think better about this. But it is not something that anyone can notice at first sight.' I'm on the right path. Mother has hurt her, and Utano closed her heart.

  'Certainly, they loved each other sincerely and enjoyed their time throughout the years.' Utano completely falls to my subtle questions.

  'Yes of course. Their bond was extremely emotional and stable. A relationship like that takes years to build.’ That's it. Her relationship with Mother had lasted for years. She added, 'Surely my lady wouldn't have been so hurt if they hadn't built a relationship for so long, it wasn't just about lust, but real love.' Now I'm close to at least one answer from her.

  'And what do you think how much time is needed to build such a strong relationship?' Utano was a bit surprised by my question.

  'I don't know Uta, how would I know that?' Now she acts naive as an innocent girl.

  'Well, you know, just roughly, how much time?' She is thinking, but not about the client anymore. She has that look, and now I know whom it belongs to.

  'I believe that time isn't a key factor. The biggest part is love that develops from infatuation, and this is an individual thing - no rules.' She didn't give me anything, even now she is cautious.

  'Is it true that deep love never dies, regardless of the flow of time?'

  She stood up, all upset.

  'I really don't know Uta, why are you so interested in love? I told you to forget about it - love isn't for us. I told you already.' I feel attacked now.

  'Calm down Utano, I just asked without thinking.'

  Her expression suddenly changed in restraint from going any further.

  'Come on, get dressed so we can go have some tea.'

  We spent the whole morning together, Hana and Kaoru were the last ones to wake up - they were busy during the night after all. When lunch passed, I went to Sayuri's house. I have to change the rumor. Her home was empty, only her being there. Sayuri hasn't even put water for our tea when she has already begun to talk about herself. Bragging of how much she earned by showing me what her tips had bought for her.

  'Now I can live a pompous lifestyle. I'm not some poor apprentice anymore,' she said rapturously, putting the scent oils over herself, 'and it's going well for you Uta, or so I heard?' She looked at me significantly. I took some time to recollect, and then told her in details what I had prepared for Mother and Utano. Every lie, like the tr
uth she took in, naturally, I said this is a secret, and she swore to silence she wouldn't obey of course. You always have to know who you are dealing with.

  'Sayuri, I heard a new gossip - it's spreading like wildfire through our streets.' She was silent like a drowned pot. I reminded her that she was at my Mother's the previous morning. She started fussing all of a sudden before she began her story with excuses, claiming that she only transmitted what her sister had heard from the Great House's maid and nothing beyond that. I didn't show how satisfied I am with this information, Great House's maid then...

  As I expected Sayuri was to believe in my lie, claiming that girl - that maid was known for exaggerated rumors. At the end of our conversation, she was comforting me because of sake and the fact that I was still innocent. This socializing couldn't go any better, I thought I would have to get much more involved. Now I'm protected. This gossip will soon spread its roots, of me - immature in drinking sake as a real and eternal debutant.

  I come back home, all satisfied. Utano was waiting for me in my room.

  'She returned me the gold, Uta.' My sister said indifferently because of the shock. 'Here's all I have, now only your tip from the ceremony is missing and you're free.' I felt like a lightning bolt had cut through my legs, everything became black in front of my eyes. I can't breathe...

  'Come, sit down. I'm excited too, Uta.'

  I'm not excited, not even the slightest, I can't be free - while Rin is in Yoshiwara I don't want to be free.

  In the background, I barely heard the words, 'Where are your golden coins? Bring them out to see whether I counted well.' Cold pins passed through my body.

  'I'll bring you water Uta, you turned pale as a ghost.' I have to think fast, I can't admit to her for Rin. Utano would abandon me if I refused the freedom for which she suffered so many sacrifices. Then, in a moment, a terrible idea came to my mind. Utano returned with ice cold water from the well. My mouth dried completely. I really started to cry, misery overwhelming me. I'm helpless.