Breaking Down Her Walls

by Erin Zak

  They both inspect and clean out each hoof of their horses, gently picking away the dirt and avoiding the soft center of the hoof. “Leia, why is this spot called a frog, anyway?” Julia hears Elena chuckle at her question, and it warms her heart to know she is listening.

  “It’s because in German it’s called a ‘frosh.’ And that means ‘frog’ in English.”

  Julia lifts her head at the sound of Elena’s explanation. “Well, did you hear that, Leia? Miss Fancy Pants over there knows German.” And she’s delighted when she hears Elena laugh again.

  When it’s time to saddle the horses, Elena goes over each step on Samwise. She points out all the parts of the saddle, even though Julia told her Elijah did that already. “It doesn’t matter,” Elena says. “I want you to learn from me.”

  Elena explains the purpose of double rigging and how having two straps, one in the front and one in the back, helps secure the saddle to the horse. She tells Julia that it’s important for both the rider and the horse to be comfortable, the horse especially. Julia listens to every word and watches every move with even more intensity. Elena’s talking about the horse and the horse’s spirit, and how the bond between a horse and its rider is fragile and special and something that a person can never take for granted. It’s in these moments that Julia realizes that Cole was absolutely right about Elena—she’s passionate in a way Julia didn’t realize a person could be. Julia wants to listen to Elena explain everything to her. The way her lips move and the sound of her voice are so enchanting. How her hands work and the way she smooths her hand over Leia’s coat after every motion, telling the horse how good she’s being. All of this is meaning a lot more to her than it did when Elijah trained her.

  Julia is a quick study and picks up the techniques that Elena shows her effortlessly. When it’s her turn, she has the saddle on Leia and the stirrups at the correct length in a good amount of time. When Julia goes to check the rigging in the front, she feels Elena’s hand land on hers. She instantly looks over at Elena, at the scar above her eye, at the tiny creases at the corners. It feels like days pass, but Julia knows it’s only a couple of seconds before Elena tells her that it’s better to pull the leather strap a little at a time, not tug all at once. Julia really hopes that’s all Elena has said because she can’t really hear her over the heartbeat echoing in her ears.

  “Nice,” Elena says to Julia, never making eye contact. She has her hat securely on her head now, so she pushes it up slightly when she asks, “Now, you’ve mounted Scout? Or Jazz?”

  “I’ve taken Jazz out a bunch of times in the pasture. Elijah said I bounce too much.”

  “Like a ‘sack of shit.’ I heard.” Elena looks as if she’s holding back a chuckle.

  “Gee, news travels fast on the ranch and the town, eh?”

  Elena cracks a smile now as she looks over at Julia, her left eyebrow arched. “Well, at least I don’t call you City Girl like everyone else does.”

  Julia rolls her eyes, shakes her head, and says with as much sarcasm as she can muster, “I guess I should thank you.”

  “Okay, now get on the horse.”

  “Wait.” Julia freezes. “Just, like, get on?”

  “Yes, Julia, like, get on the horse.”

  “Without you getting on first? What if she bucks me off?”

  Elena folds her arms across her chest. “Julia Finch, get on the horse. Now.”

  “Yikes,” Julia says under her breath as she pulls her eyes off Elena and looks at Leia. “She’s mean,” she says to the horse, and she gets a gentle neigh in response. She can hear Elena’s deep sigh as she takes a few steps backward away from Julia and Leia.

  “I can be meaner,” Elena says, her voice low.

  “Oh, I’ve heard.” Julia grabs a stirrup and pulls gently. “Okay, Leia, I’m gonna get on you now. So, work with me, okay? Just be calm.” Leia turns her head, looks at Julia, and blinks like she understands. She stands toward the center of the horse, picks her left foot up, and slides it into the stirrup. She has the reins in her hand, reaches up and grabs on to the saddle horn, hops once, pulls herself up, and throws her leg over the horse. It’s the smoothest mount she’s had, and it makes her grin like an idiot as she looks down at Elena, who has literally no emotion on her face. Now it’s time to feel like an idiot, not just smile like one. Elena moves around to the other side of the horse, arms still crossed.

  “Where’d you learn that method?”

  Julia blinks, securing the reins in her right hand. “What do you mean?”

  “That’s not what Elijah taught you. Where’d you learn that?”

  “How do you know what Elijah taught me?”

  “Because he tells me everything.” Elena taps her boot on the dirt. “So?”

  Julia takes a deep breath. Elijah had taught her this ridiculous way of flipping the stirrup around and standing backward toward the shoulders of the horse, and it made Julia feel uncomfortable, like she was going to fall over every time. “I learned it by watching you,” Julia says. “I didn’t like the way Elijah taught me. It made me feel like I was going to fall over—”

  “You just taught yourself?” Elena’s question isn’t really a question as much as it’s a statement.

  Julia’s slightly worried that she just pissed Elena off, but she pulls her shoulders back, sits straight, and nods.

  A small smile comes to Elena’s lips. “It was perfect.”

  Julia’s face is burning up, but the relief she feels is palpable.

  “Now, what all do you know when it comes to getting the horse to move?”

  “I trotted with Jazz. And walked, of course. So, the basic commands.”

  “And, of course, you bounced around in the saddle.”

  “Yes, we’ve established that.”

  “Okay, I want you to take Leia around the corral, and this time, sit up straight and pull your belly button in toward your spine. You look like you’re leaning over the horse too much right now.”

  “Straight like this?”

  “Yes,” Elena says, eyeing Julia as she straightens her spine. “Do you feel like you’re sitting back too far?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then you’re perfect.”

  Julia gently moves her legs to indicate to the horse to go forward. Leia takes a few steps.

  “Go a little faster,” Elena says. Leia starts to trot, and instantly, Julia starts bouncing. “Okay, now stop trying to squeeze your thighs together like a vise. You don’t need to hug the horse as if it’s going to escape from underneath you.”

  “That doesn’t make sense; won’t I fall off?”

  Elena shakes her head. “You won’t fall off. Use the stirrups. Sit hard into the saddle, don’t squeeze your thighs so much, and you’ll be fine.”

  “Elijah told me to squeeze,” Julia says over the sound of the horse.

  “And I’m the one teaching you now,” Elena shouts. “Stop squeezing and sit the horse.”

  Julia does what she is told. She sits, loosens the vise-like grip she has on the horse, feels the saddle beneath her, and of course, she stops bouncing. Her mouth falls open, and she looks over at Elena. “Holy shit!”

  “I told you,” Elena says with a smile. Julia spurs Leia on a little faster, almost a gallop now. She’s not bouncing nearly as bad, which is good. After Julia has rounded the corral about twenty times, Elena raises her hand and says, “Think you’re ready to try going a little faster?”

  “Whoa.” Julia pulls on the reins lightly, and Leia slows to a stop. She steers the horse and approaches Elena. “Elena, I don’t know if I can—”

  “Can’t learn if you don’t try.” Elena swings open the gate to the corral.

  Julia watches her walk over toward Samwise, quickly unloop the lead from the fencing, and mount the horse easily. Elena looks fantastic sitting atop Samwise with the sun hitting his coat just right. The image is so striking that Julia cannot find the words to tell Elena that she’s not ready to try running yet. What if she gets b
ucked off? She doesn’t think she can handle that embarrassment in front of Elena. “I’m not sure if I’m ready,” Julia says with a shaky voice.

  “If you aren’t ready, it’s fine. We’ll trot there. But you’re going to have to learn eventually.”

  Julia adjusts her baseball cap as she watches Elena slide on leather riding gloves. Elena looks so sexy with that smirk on her face. She takes a deep breath and gathers all of her courage. Fuck it. “Let’s do it.”

  “Attagirl,” Elena says with a smile. “Follow me.” She turns Samwise toward the pasture, heading west.

  * * *

  After an hour of riding, Julia can tell she’s going to be sore tomorrow. Her thighs, her ass, and her arms. Probably every single muscle. Aside from that, though, it is the most fun she has ever had. Not only is riding a horse coming to her like she was born to do it, but it’s so calming. Even though she was so nervous to take off, so nervous to spur Leia to a run, it all came to her like it was nothing, like she had been doing it her whole life. It made her so very happy.

  And it was obviously making Elena happy, too; she had smiled at Julia more in one hour than she had the entire time Julia had known her.

  Julia sees Elena slowing as they approach a clearing. She steers Leia to where Elena is stopped. “Is everything okay?” Julia asks.

  “This is Miller’s Gap.” Elena is looking out over the clearing. She pushes her hat up and then off her head. It’s hanging from the string now around her neck. “This land has been in my family for years and years. There’s a story my dad would tell about the miller’s wife.” Julia notices that Elena’s eyes seem to tear up as she tells the story of the miller’s wife and how she ran away after finding him with his lover. “The wife was never heard from again; it’s lore that when there’s a shooting star, it’s the miller’s wife crying from heaven.”

  “That’s so sad,” Julia whispers.

  “It is.” Elena glances over at Julia, and their eyes lock. “It’s beautiful, too, though. That kind of love.”

  “The kind that breaks your heart?”

  “The kind that consumes you.”

  Julia’s breath catches in her throat. Elena’s facial expression, her eyes, her lips, everything is so goddamn gorgeous. She cannot take her eyes off Elena when she finally speaks again about the land and the weather patterns. Elena moves her hand nonchalantly from one side of the gap to the next, explaining how the valleys are important to a Colorado rancher. The valleys hold the sun’s warmth, and the snow doesn’t get as deep, so it’s good for the cattle.

  “And what’s ‘deep’ here?” Julia asks as she reaches down and runs her hand along Leia’s neck. “I mean, I’ve seen snow, obviously. Chicago gets slammed with snow.”

  “We’ve seen as much as twenty feet on the peaks. Fourteen or fifteen feet in the valleys.”

  “Holy cow. That’s a lot.”

  “It’s a different cold here, too.” Elena squints as she looks across the gap. “It’s a dry cold. Some days, in the winter, it’s almost warm because of the sun—even though the temperature reading might say ten degrees.” Elena glances over at Julia. “You should probably put some sunscreen on.” Elena pulls out a tube of sunscreen lotion and hands it over. “Your fair skin is going to be very sunburned if you don’t watch yourself.”

  Julia had noticed that she was starting to turn pink. “Yeah, is this part of that same phenomenon? Being closer to the sun and all that?”

  Elena smiles. “Yes, and the air is thinner because of the altitude. It’s all very true.”

  Julia quickly slathers some on her arms and then rubs it over her face, pushing her hat up so she can get her forehead. Afterward, she hands the lotion back to Elena and says, “Thank you.” She gets a laugh from Elena in response. “What?”

  “You did not get it rubbed in.” Elena laughs. “You have it everywhere.”

  “Well, it’s not like I brought a mirror with me!” Julia shouts. “Where’s it at?”

  “Come here,” Elena says as she leans over, braces herself on her saddle horn, and rubs her hand over Julia’s cheeks and nose. “There. Sunscreen and dirt. It’s a great combination.”

  Julia can’t feel her legs or her arms, and her heart is caught in her throat from the sensation of Elena’s skin against hers. Whatever is happening to Julia is not stopping regardless of how hard she fights it. Her efforts are futile. Especially when Elena does something like that. Or looks at her. Or talks. Or breathes.

  “Hello?” Elena snaps her fingers and laughs. “Earth to Julia!”

  “Geez, zoned out there,” Julia says, trying not to stammer. “How much farther?”

  “It’s just over this ridge.”

  The two women ride to the ridge, their horses’ hoofbeats hitting in time with each other. When they reach the edge of the rocks, the only sound that comes out of Julia’s mouth is a breathless “Whoa.”

  The mountains are in the distance, and the wide-open range stretches before them. The land is littered with so many cattle that Julia can barely begin to count. The very top of the peaks of the mountains has minimal snow coverage. It’s clear that the past week has helped the runoff because Elena commented about the depth of each stream they passed.

  “I know,” Elena says.

  “This is,” Julia says, her voice snagging in her throat. “This is breathtaking.”

  “It really is.”

  “Now I know why you love it so much. Thanks for letting me come with you today.”

  Elena clears her throat. “Let’s get started. Have to count and make sure all are accounted for.”

  Julia is quickly learning that Elena Bennett hates these moments of kindness. She wonders if Elena knows that all her protesting does nothing but encourage Julia to be kinder and more sincere. And she’s not going to stop. Ever.

  Chapter Eight

  The ride back to the ranch is mostly silent. Julia listened intently to what Elena had taught her about every step they needed to do each and every time they ride out to check on the cattle. It’s all about counts and checking on the young calves and making sure everything is accounted for. It’s actually a lot of fun, which surprises Julia that she is enjoying the learning process so much. Of course, she knows it has a lot to do with the teacher.

  Elena also mentions that in a week, it’ll be time to herd the cattle home for branding and vaccinations. The day is one of the most important days out of the entire season, and because it’d be too hard to do all on their own, people come in from the town to help out.

  And there’s a large feast afterward, which is music to Julia’s ears. She’s getting used to eating like a cowboy. The rest of the day sounds like it’ll be hectic, and the idea of branding a young calf makes Julia’s stomach twist, but Elena explains the significance of it and why it’s absolutely necessary, especially during open range season when cattle can escape and get away from the herd.

  As they’re rounding the large patch of aspen trees that surrounds the log cabin, Julia spots Cole riding up to them on his horse.

  “Mom!” He’s coming at them fast and pulls his reins not nearly far enough away. Sweetie rears up, and Cole handles him expertly. “You gotta get back to the house. Now.”

  “Goodness, dear, where’s the fire?”

  “She’s back, Mom.”

  And that’s all it takes for Elena to fly away on her horse, shouting, “Yah!” and losing her hat in the process.

  “What the hell?” Julia asks, and Cole looks back at her.

  “Penn.”

  Julia is taken aback, and even though she doesn’t know the whole story, she feels like she knows enough to realize this isn’t good.

  “Come on,” Cole says, taking off on Sweetie.

  Julia urges Leia to a gallop and follows Cole to the barn. She dismounts easily and ties the lead against the horse post next to Sweetie. She jogs up behind Cole and grabs his arm. “What the hell happened with them, Cole? No one will tell me.”

  “Look, Julia, you re
ally need to hear that from my mom—”

  “Tell me,” she says, cutting him off and folding her arms across her chest. She taps her boot as he tries to do anything but make eye contact.

  “You can’t tell her I told you,” he says, pointing a finger at her.

  “Deal.”

  They shake hands, and Cole gulps before saying, “They were running the ranch together, and well, it wasn’t perfect, but it was what it was. And then Penn just left my mom with no warning or reason. Mom woke up one day, and Penn was gone. And, well, she was in love with her, or at least, I think she thought she was or whatever. In love with the idea of being happy again? First time since my other mom—” Cole adjusts his cowboy hat, wipes his brow, and pushes the hat back on his head from the top. “She hasn’t been the same since all of that happened. She and I haven’t been the same. Geez, Julia, it’s not really my place to tell you this.” His eyes meet Julia’s, and he glances back over his shoulder at the house. “You’d better never tell her I told you,” he says. And then adds, “And close your mouth, for shit’s sake.”

  Julia slaps him lightly on the arm. “Don’t cuss. Your mother will kill you.”

  “Tell me about it,” he says softly as he turns to walk toward the house. “Are you coming?”

  Julia doesn’t know what she should do. Should she go inside with Cole? Should she stay outside with the horses? Even with barely knowing Elena, the protective feeling Julia has for her is a little disconcerting. She figures if she ends up meeting this Penn woman she’ll end up wanting to fight her. So, in the end, she decides to stay and take care of Leia. It was a long day, after all. A lot of riding and a lot of new information to process, and she is responsible for Leia’s care. And the last thing she wants to do is go inside that house and meet this woman that she already can’t stand.