Breaking Down Her Walls

by Erin Zak

  * * *

  It takes her about an hour to unsaddle Leia and groom her after riding. She takes her time with the grooming, making sure her tail is free of debris and tangles, getting all of the dust she can out of Leia’s coat, and checking her hooves and shoes. The horse is so easygoing, only snorting at her a couple times when Julia snags a knot in her tail. Of course, the horse happily goes back to munching on the grain she was given as a snack.

  It’s when she’s finishing up that she hears voices. She stays in the stall because she knows one of the voices is Elena but the other voice? That’s definitely not someone she knows, which can only mean one thing.

  Penn.

  She stands next to Leia, smoothing a hand over her withers and down her back when she sees the two approaching the stalls.

  “Penn, you didn’t even leave a note. You just left. What was I supposed to think?”

  “Elena, please, you have to understand. I got spooked.”

  “Do you understand, though?”

  Julia watches Elena, how her arms are crossed, how her jaw keeps clenching. And she can see Penn as well, and she looks like a real jerk. A beautiful jerk, though, and it instantly causes jealousy to flare up in the pit of her stomach. Her hair is light brown and is in a long braid down the middle of her back. She is tall, built, very tan, and she looks like a cowboy should look. Of course, she still has her cowboy hat on, which any idiot knows should be taken off when you’re talking to a lady, begging for forgiveness. Julia wants to punch this stupid, beautiful jerk in the face.

  “I do understand!” Penn shouts, standing in front of Elena now, her arms hanging at her sides. Pretty smug for someone who’s apologizing.

  Elena shakes her head at Penn. “I don’t think you do. All I told you is that you needed to figure yourself out. If leaving is your way of figuring yourself out, then so be it.”

  “Why didn’t you try to contact me, then?”

  “I was supposed to contact you?”

  “Yes,” she says with a huff.

  “Penn, you broke my heart,” Elena says, her voice breaking.

  “I won’t do it again.” She reaches for Elena and pulls her into a hug, still not removing her dumb black hat.

  Elena doesn’t reciprocate the hug. She pulls away and crosses her arms again. “Look. I need help with the herding. So, for now, you can stay. The room upstairs isn’t being used.”

  “In the barn?”

  “Yes, Penn, in the barn. That room will do, and you know it. You don’t get to come back into my life and also stay in my house. That isn’t how this works.”

  Penn rubs her hands together. “Fine.”

  “Don’t get comfortable. You leave when I tell you to leave. You hear me?”

  “Fine.”

  “And don’t try to be your same persistent self with me.”

  “Fine,” Penn says one more time, but this time she’s way tenser. “Elena, I promise I’ll be better.”

  “You were wonderful before.”

  Julia hears the words come out of Elena’s mouth, and her stomach bottoms out. She glances at Leia as if the horse can respond, then looks back over the wall at the couple.

  “I won’t hurt you again.”

  Elena shakes her head. “We’ll see about that,” she says as she turns to leave the barn, Penn hot on her trail.

  Julia watches as Penn catches up and slings her arm over Elena’s shoulders. “Guess that’s the end of that,” Julia whispers to Leia when she looks back at the horse. And as if on command, the horse nudges Julia’s face and breathes out.

  * * *

  When Julia cracks open her beer on the porch of her cabin, she can feel her mouth watering in anticipation. To say it’s been a long day would be an understatement. Her muscles hurt, her back is aching, and the shower she took may have very well been the most amazing shower she has ever taken. Ever. In her entire life. The water was brown from the caked-on dirt and dust. It was the first time she truly felt like she was worked like a dog, and all she did was ride a horse all day!

  The craziness that happened after she and Elena returned from riding was enough to ruin her amazing day, though. She had a feeling Elena felt the same way, even though she didn’t get a chance to talk to Elena because she wasn’t at dinner. Cole had mumbled something about how his mom wasn’t hungry, and when Julia’s eyes found his, he shook his head. She knew it meant that things weren’t great and to not ask questions, but it bothered her no end.

  She isn’t exactly sure why it is upsetting her so much that this Penn woman just showed back up in Elena’s life after clearly breaking her heart with nothing more than a horrible apology and a piss-poor excuse. It’s not like Julia has any claim to Elena whatsoever. Up until recently, she was fairly sure she’d never get on Elena’s good side. But now? After all their interactions, she is feeling things for Elena, things that have lain dormant for quite some time. This attraction to Elena isn’t hard to understand. She knows what is stirring in her heart, but Julia shouldn’t be feeling this. Elena is her boss, and she is not on the market. Especially now.

  There is absolutely no way that this woman, Elena freaking Bennett, with her gorgeous hair and perfect skin, was going to reciprocate.

  No. No. way.

  Julia leans back against the wood beam of the porch and takes a deep breath. She can see the lights on in the kitchen of the log home and the television light flickering from the family room. She often finds her mind wandering. Wondering what Elena is doing over there in that big house. Is she watching TV with Cole? Is she doing bills or keeping the books for the ranch? Is she wondering what Julia is doing?

  She shakes her head, laughs to herself, and stands, making her way back inside, where she flops on the couch and props her feet up on the coffee table. The room is quite cozy now that she’s finished cleaning, with two leather chairs, a sofa, and a coffee table that all sit in front of a fireplace. It’s been too warm, of course, to try the fireplace, but Julia is excited for the first time she can give it a whirl.

  If she’s still around, of course.

  There are a couple lamps on, but the light is so low that she has lit candles to help. It’s actually becoming very comfortable there at the cabin, and even though sticking around is not normally something Julia would be all for, she’s actually settling in well.

  So much so that now when she hears a knock on the door, she shouts, “Come in!” without even getting up to check who it is.

  After the screen door opens and slams closed, she hears a familiar throat clear and then, “You realize that even though this isn’t the big city, you should probably still check to see who’s at the door, Miss Finch.”

  Julia jumps up, immediately pulling at the T-shirt she has on as well as the running shorts. “Elena, hi. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize—”

  “How could you?” Elena asks, a small smile on her face. “May I come in?”

  “Oh, gosh, yes, please.” Julia motions toward the chairs in the living room. “Make yourself at home.”

  Elena notices Julia’s beer and raises her eyebrows. “Have any more of those?”

  “Yes! In the fridge. Help yourself,” she says through her very nervous breathing. She watches Elena walk into the kitchen and immediately looks up at the heavens and silently curses herself for being such a basket case. Seeing Elena after everything that happened today is shocking. And also, seeing her with her hair down again and curly again and dressed in black yoga pants and a light pink tank top with flip-flops is startling. She never wanted to imagine Elena in anything other than jeans and boots because anything else would mean she’s human. And soft and sexy and dammit, so, so beautiful. Not that Julia’s imagining her in other clothes. Or whatever. Ugh.

  Elena walks over to the couch, beer in hand, and sits a space and a half away from Julia. “Is this okay?”

  Julia nods because honestly, she couldn’t talk if she wanted to. The whole series of events has sent her into a tailspin.

  “I had t
o get out of the house.” Elena sighs. “It was too closed up.”

  Julia nods again.

  “And I don’t want to be in there alone, thinking.”

  This statement is followed by silence until Julia finally says, “I understand that completely.”

  Elena takes a long drink from the Coors Light she picked. “I know you know what happened with Penn.”

  Julia chokes on the sip of her beer. After a cough or two, she blinks rapidly at Elena.

  “Cole confessed that he broke down and told you. He is such a sweet boy. He simply cannot keep things from me,” Elena says as she slips her feet out of the flip-flops and pulls her legs up so she can sit with them crossed. “It’s both a blessing and a curse.”

  “I’m really sorry. I made him tell me. I just, everyone is always walking on eggshells because of this chick, and I didn’t get it and then she shows up, and like, I should probably know.”

  “Julia.” Elena places her hand on Julia’s bare leg, right above her knee, and Julia stops immediately. “I’m not mad that you know.”

  The breath that Julia was holding releases from her lungs. “Whew,” she says with a laugh.

  “You were bound to find out sooner or later, right?” Elena asks. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.”

  “Oddly enough, Elena, no one was talking about what happened. If it makes you feel any better.”

  “Maybe a little,” she says. “It wasn’t a shining moment in my life.”

  Julia is very aware that Elena’s hand is still on her leg, and it takes everything in her to focus on Elena’s words and not the feel of her very warm, surprisingly soft skin. “I’m sure it wasn’t,” Julia replies, her voice barely above a whisper.

  “It’s just, as the boss, the owner, I really do strive to be professional and keep things separate. But Elijah is part of my family now, and Caroline will always be as well, so when Penn started, it was hard at first. I welcomed her and, well…” Elena glances at Julia and raises her beer to her lips. Before she drinks she says, “She was very persistent.”

  “I can only imagine.” Julia breathes in, holds it, then breathes out slowly. She cannot handle the way Elena is looking at her.

  After Elena drinks, she licks her lips, and then presses them together. “After Gloria, I kind of just stopped trying. I didn’t want anyone. I didn’t even want Penn. But again, she was…” Elena’s voice trails off.

  “Persistent. I got it.”

  Elena chuckles. “Yeah, well, I let her in, and she broke me. Being left with no explanation is never easy. And when you didn’t want to open yourself up to begin with and some stranger comes into your life and makes you? And you’re left saying, ‘I fucking knew it’?” Elena pauses and drinks. “Let’s just say, I was very broken. Probably even more than after losing Gloria. Because when someone just leaves you, you feel as if it’s all you. But someone being taken from you? That’s at least…hard to argue with?”

  “I think they both sound like they suck.” Julia doesn’t want to take her eyes off Elena. Looking at her has become Julia’s favorite thing to do, and it’s scaring the hell out of her because Elena is turning out to be just as broken as Julia is.

  “You’re right. They do both suck.” Elena drinks again, and Julia wishes she was that beer bottle. “For some reason, Julia Finch, I trust you. I don’t really know why.” Elena’s line of sight is focused somewhere across the room. Julia wishes Elena would look at her, but she knows the second Elena does, she is a goner. “It might be because the horses trust you, which is sometimes the best sign you can ask for. But either way, I do. I trust you.” Elena pauses, looks at Julia in the dim lighting, and squeezes Julia’s leg very gently.

  Julia blinks twice and opens her mouth to say something but can’t figure out exactly what to say. She really is a goner. She can barely remember how to breathe, let alone speak. She clears her throat and says, “I trust you, too.”

  Elena finally pulls her hand away from Julia’s leg and rests both hands in her lap where she instantly starts to fidget. “It’s oddly weird that she’s in the barn right now,” Elena says softly. Julia lets out a nervous laugh, and Elena rolls her eyes. “What?”

  “I’m sorry.” Julia takes a drink of her beer and then meets Elena’s eyes. “You know, we all do things that, at the time, aren’t exactly the smartest decisions. And when we make them, it’s always with the best intentions. So, I get what you’re doing.”

  “I sense a ‘but’ coming.”

  “But she left you with no explanation. And broke your heart.” Julia shrugs and twists her mouth a bit. “She’s stupid for leaving you in the first place.”

  Elena arches an eyebrow and tilts her head. “Oh, really?”

  “Yeah, really.” Julia feels a little like an idiot for speaking so freely, but she continues her thought. “I would never leave you for anyone.” She shakes her head, realizing what she said and how it came out. “I mean, wait, that’s not…I just mean that, like, I wouldn’t leave you, but that—” She looks at Elena’s wide eyes and goofy grin. She is obviously enjoying how Julia is fumbling her words like a fool. “Shit,” she says at the end of her rambling. “You know what? Let’s act like I didn’t say that.”

  “No,” Elena replies, her lips displaying a rather large smile. “I understand what you’re saying. Even if you aren’t sure.”

  Julia pushes her hands through her hair and laughs. “I sure do have a way of sticking my foot in my mouth.”

  “I can see that.”

  “Part of the reason I have so few friends, I’m sure.”

  “It’s actually quite endearing. Don’t sell yourself so short.”

  “Yeah, well.” Julia downs the rest of her beer and stands to get another one. “I wouldn’t ever call anything I do endearing.” She makes her way into the kitchen, opens the fridge, grabs two beers, twists the cap off one, and tosses it onto the counter. She’s so nervous now. Listening to Elena, seeing her in such a casual setting, it’s getting under Julia’s skin. And now Elena just said Julia is endearing? What the hell? She turns around, and Elena is leaning against the doorframe; her hair looks so soft, and Julia instantly sees herself running her fingers through it, and she has to snap herself back to reality. But it’s this moment, with Elena standing there so casually, her hair without any product, her skin without any makeup, her tank top tight enough that it’s accentuating all of her curves, that Julia begins to admit to herself that all these feelings for Elena Bennett are going to become a real problem. “I got you another one.” Julia hands over the opened bottle. She watches as Elena reaches for it, and her hand lightly lands on Julia’s. There’s a very long pause where the two women just look at each other before Elena takes the beer and raises it to her lips. She drinks one, two, three big gulps, and the sound of the carbonated liquid in Elena’s mouth is almost deafening in the small kitchen.

  They stand in silence for a few more moments, Julia now leaning against the countertop next to the sink. Elena smiles as she motions toward Julia with her beer bottle. “What are you thinking, Julia Finch?” she asks, taking a step closer to Julia, the floor creaking slightly under her weight.

  “I’m thinking I’m really glad my car broke down,” Julia says, turning on the smallest bit of charm.

  The smile that lights up Elena’s face almost takes Julia’s breath away. “Oh, really?” Julia nods and watches as Elena closes the distance between them and places her beer on the counter, her eyes never leaving Julia’s face. “You’re making things really confusing for me.”

  Julia keeps eye contact with Elena even though, in this circumstance, Julia’s height difference is making it difficult. Elena is so close, and her scent is so amazing, and her breath is warm as it brushes past Julia’s skin. She pulls her gaze from Elena’s eyes and glances down to the floor. After a deep breath and mental pep talk, she makes herself look back into Elena’s dark eyes. “Confusing how?”

  Elena pulls her bottom lip into her mouth and bites down
. “I think about you a lot,” she says, her voice so soft it’s almost a whisper.

  The night breeze that is blowing softly in the kitchen window causes goose bumps to form on Julia’s arms. But the chill that washes over her has more to do with Elena’s confession than anything else. “What about me?” Julia manages to ask even though her brain seems to be short-circuiting at the moment.

  Elena reaches forward and lightly runs her fingers down Julia’s bicep and forearm to her hand that is clenched into a fist. Julia relaxes her hand slightly when she feels Elena’s touch before she says, “I think about your hands and what it would feel like for you to touch me.”

  “Elena…”

  “I think about your green eyes,” Elena says, “And your mouth. And how you say my name.”

  Julia can barely feel her legs. If she didn’t know for sure, she’d be positive that she’s standing in the middle of a dream.

  “I didn’t want this to happen again,” Elena says. “I shut this part of me down.”

  “I know.”

  “I didn’t ask for this. For you. In your stupid Converse shoes and skinny jeans.” Elena squeezes Julia’s hand a little tighter. “But you got into my head, and I can’t get you out of there.”

  “Did you think putting me in Wranglers and boots would make it easier?”

  “Yes, but it backfired. It actually made it worse.”

  “It makes me really happy that one of your plans backfired,” Julia says, lifting her head and smirking.

  Elena takes a step backward, pulling on Julia’s hand as she says, “I should go.”

  Immediately, Julia wants to beg her to not go. Please don’t leave now. Not when this all feels so damn good. Elena motions to the door. “We have to go to town tomorrow morning to run errands.”