CLAIRE: (is it really love)

by Grace Gervas

  "I'mnotdrunk!IknowwhatI'msaying,whyareyou pretendingthatyoudon'tunderstandmyfeelingshuh?AmInot attractivetoyou?I'mtiredofwaitinginvain,I'msodamntired ofplayingagoodunderstandingfriend."Shelamented,he decidedtoleaveherbe,bymovingtothedriverside.Butshe keptherspeech,"IloveyouRyan."shesaidbetweenhersobs.

  Ryanwasstuckbythedoor;that'sexactlywhathe'dbeen tryingtoavoid.Heonlylookedatherstandingbythepassenger door,andcoldlysaid;

  "Getinsidethecar.Rightnow!" "Orwhat?You'llfiremefornotbeingprofessional?Oh pleaseMr.President,mindyouthatwe'renolongerintheoffice rightnowandIcanspeakwhateverIseefit."Shebarked.

  Hebreathedoutexasperatedly,andrunahandthroughhis hair."Fine!Howaboutwediscussthattomorrow,whenyou're sobber.Please?"HetriedtobeniceandforonceDorisseemed calm."Nowgetinthecar,andI'lltakeyouhome."Herepeated, softlyandshecompliedreluctantly.

  CHAPTER22

  Mr.StevensheardaboutClaire'sannouncementtoleave;he strictlysaid,"There'snowayI'mlettingyouleaveatthishour, whilewehaveenoughroomsinthishouseforeveryone."

  AndBrunowassmilingtriumphantly."See?Itoldyouhe won'tagree."Heproudlysaid. "NowIunderstandwhereyourgrandsonshavegotthis obstinacyfrom;Ihonestlythinkit'sstrictlygenetic."Clairesaid andthetwogentlemenlaugheddelightfully."Okay,IguessI don'thaveachoice."Sheadded,andMarthainstructedoneof themaidstoprepareabedroomforher.

  Therestoftheeveningwentuneventfully,andbythetime Clairehadretiredtoherrespectiveroom,Ryanwasn'thomeyet. Shegotupabruptly,feelingupset,andstoodupbythewindow; itwasaperfectviewofanyonewhowentinandoutofthe mansion.Shehadnocluewhatupsethermore;thefactthathe wasn'thomeyet,orthathehadleftwithDoris,ormaybeboth. ShekeptpacinghenceandforthinsidethathugeVictorianstyle bedroomthataccordingtoBruno,itusedtobetheirmother's. He'devengrabbedoneofhismother'soldclothesinthecloset forhertowear,butshekindlyrefusedandgotoneofBruno's pyjamasinstead.

  ForamomentClairedecidedtoforgetaboutRyan,andtried tomakeherselffallasleepattheveryleast.Butitwasmoreofa fool'serrand,henceshemadeachoicetocallGenainstead.The twotalkedforawhile,withalittleplaybackofwhatRyantold hertheothernight,togetherwiththesilencetreatmentduring dinner.

  "Ohsweetie,andyou'regoingtolethimmesswithyou?I thoughtyouwerebolderthanthat."CriedGena.

  "AndwhatamIsupposedtodo?Goonandbeghimto continueharassingme?"Clairesnappedwhilepacingaround. Genalaughed."Youmeanthesweetharassment?Comeon Claire,justadmititthatyoulovehismysteriouswaysofgetting intoyou.Hedrivesyoucrazymyfriend."

  Claireexhaledheavily."OhIdon'tknowGena.Idon'teven knowwhatIwantanymore." "WellIthinkIdo."Genasaid."Youjustneedalittlepush, andIhearby,pushyoutogoandtalktohim.Noyoudon'teven needtotalk,justattackhim."

  NowitwasClaire'sturntolaugh."Attackhim?Whatkindof adviceisthat?" Theytalkedalittlemore,withoutanydefinitesolutionto herproblem,butatleastshewasabletolaugh,feelless conflictedandrelaxed.Shestayedawakeforalmostanhour, andfellasleepforonemoreuntilshegotupallofasudden, feelingtheurgetoreallyseeRyan.Shedroppedoffthebed,and wandereddownthehalllikeathief,withoutanyideawhether hewasbackornot.Itwasprobablymidnightalready,andthe housewascreepysilent.ShestillrememberedwhereRyan's bedroomwas,andheadtherestraightaway.Itwasclosed,as expected,andshestoodbythedoor,asthoughconflicted whethertoknockornot.Itwasstupid,andshehadgathered thatmuch,butshewasstillthere;itwassomethingshecouldn't control.

  "Whatareyoudoing?"Avoicestartledher,andshenearly jumped.

  Ryan!Shegrasped."Um--nothing.Ijustgotlost."She answeredtimidly.

  "You'relost?"Ryanpromptedwhilegettingcloser.Hisvoice wasnothingbutmockery.

  "Yes,that'swhatIjustsaid!Areyoucomingbackjustnow?" Claireasked,almostreproachfully. Hesmirked,andwasalreadybythedoor,onlyastepfrom her."Iam,why?Wereyouwaitingforme?"Hequeriedwith brimmingeyes,makingherflushingcrimson.

  "Ofcoursenot!WhywouldIwaitforyou?Andyou're drunk!"Sherepliedaccusingly,buthereallyseemedtohavehad aliquor."IsthatwhatyouweredoingwithDorisallthistime? Drinkingalcohol?"

  Heletoutanaudiblesigh,whileleaningagainstthewalljust nearthedoor.Helookedtired,drunkandmaybestressed;and whenhiseyeslandedonClaire,afaintsmileescapedhislips.

  "Ican'tbelieveyoustilllovewhining!"Heutteredwithagrin. "I'mnotwhining,I'monlyasking."Shequipped. "WhyshouldIansweryourquestionMs.Challenge?You're notmywife."SaidRyan."Ileftyoualonebutyou'restilllurking around.WhatdoyouwantfrommeClaire?"Heaskedsoftly,and hisvoicehadsomehuskiness.

  Sheswallowed."Idon'twantanythingRyan,Ijustgotlost whiletryingtogetmyselfsomewater."Sheanswered,andhe laughed.

  "Doyouwanttosleepwithme?"Ryanaskedblatantlyand shenearlydroppedherheartout.Heungluedhimselffromthe wallandmovedclosertoher."I'maskingifyouwanttosleep withmetonightClaire,becauseitseemslikeyoudo."He releasedhisalcoholicbreath,thatnonetheless,neverseemedto botherClaire;hisgestureandthelookofhiseyeswaswhat botheredher.Hestartedtostrokeherhairsmoothlywhile searchingintentlyforherglimmeringeyes.

  Sheimmediatelywincedback."NoIdon'twanttosleep withyou.You'resoshamelessRyan.God!"Shesnappedand lookedaway.Hegiggledlazily."Justgotoyourroom,andget somesleep,becauseyou'redefinitelydrunk."

  "I'mnotdrunk."

  "That'swhatalldrunkardssay."

  "ButI'mnotoneofthem!"

  "Urgh!"Shegrowled."Sure,whatever!"Shesaidandturned tomovebacktoherroom,feelingstupidalloveragain,for whatevershewasabouttodo.That'swhenshefeltRyan'sarms envelopingherfrombehind.Shegotstiffandhotrightaway.

  "PleasesleepwithmeClaire."Hewhispered."Justfor tonight." Shesighedsoftly."Andthenwhat?You'llwakeuptomorrow andaskmetogetlost?Isthatit?Orhaveyouforgottenwhat youtoldmeyesterday?"Sheuttered,lamentably.

  "Idon'tknow.Can'twejustforgetitforonenight?Iwon't evenfuckyouIswear,Ijustwanttofeelyourwarmth."Ryan insisted.

  Shealmostlaughed."You'rereallyweirdRyan."Shesaid beforebreakingfromhisembracetotakeagoodlookathim. "WhatdoIdowithyoureally?"Sheasked,butmoretoherself thathim.Shewantedhim,andhewasapuretemptation himself.Sheknewshecouldn'tavoidhim,anditwaseven uselesstryingto.

  "Juststaywithme."Herepeatedwithhissleepyeyesfrom thealcoholinhisblood."Please?" "Okay.I'llsleepwithyou."Sheansweredcasually,andin fewminutesshewashelpinghimgettingsettledin;hewasvery tipsynowthatshe'dseenhimwalkingtothebedroomand stumbledbythecouch."Aren'tyoutakingyourclothesoff?"She asked,graspingthathewaslyingdownonlyafterundressinghis shoes.

  "IfIdo,I'llendupinyourpants.AndIhatethatyou're wearingsomeoneelse'spyjamas."Hekepthisdrunktalk,and Clairegiggled."OhsoI'maclownnow?"Hecollapsedonbed. "OhcomeonRyan!Don'tbesuchababy.Takeoffthejeans atleast,andyoulookdashingonthembytheway."Shesaid anditwasthetruth.

  "OhIdo?"

  "Yesyoudo."

  "ButyouonlyhadeyesforBrunoearlier."Hecomplained likeachild. Clairecouldn'trepressherlaugh."Isthatso?Maybeit's becauseyou'resuchajerk,wholeftadefenselesswomanalone inthemiddleoftheroad."

  Hefrownedremorsefully."NoClaire...Ididn't...meanto ..."andoffhewentdead. "Hah!MaybeIshouldmakeyoudrunkwheneverIneed somepeace."Shemutteredtoherselfwhilepullinghisjeansoff hisfeet.

  Hesuddenlygotup,asifhe'dbeenfightingthesleeping battle."Whatareyoudoing?Comelet'ssleepplease."Heurged; hisvoicedrowsy,andClairesmiled.

  "OkaySir."Sheplacedthefoldedjeansonthecouch. "Don'tcallmeSIR!"Hebarkedandthelightsflickedoff, beforeshejoinedhimonbed.Hequicklypulledhertohisarms andkissedherforeheadasthoughmakingsureshewasactually there."NowofftosleepMs.Challenge."

  "OkayRyan.Goodnight."Shewhisperedbetweenher chuckles,whilemakingeffortstopullthecoversbecauseRyan's handswererefrainingherfrommovingfreely.

  BythetimeClairehadmanagedtocoverthembothwith thesheet,Ryanwasfastasleep,withhisarmsholdingher possessively.Asmilewasalloverherface;itwasafeelingshe'd missedtheentireweek,andtothinkonlyyesterdayshewas thinkingitwasallover,nothingwaspredictableasfarasRyan wasconcerned,shereckoned.Atsomepointinthemiddleofthe night;Clairemadeanattempttogetupandreturntoherroom, infearofsomeonefindingoutthatshehadn'tsleptinherown room,butRyanhadkepthertoocloseandtootighttoallowher leaving.Itwasimpossibletounderstandhowhediditinthe middleofhisfaintsnoring.Shedecidedtostickaround,until fiveinthemorning,whenshefinallymanagedtopulloutofhis arms,whenherolledover.Shesmiledwarmlywhilefixingthe coversuptohisneck,andslippedawayasdiscreetlyaspossible. Shewasabletomakeittoherroomwithoutcausingany attentiontowhomeverwasawake.

  Thefollowingmorningd
uringbreakfast,ClairenoticedthatRyan wasn'tpresentanddecidedtosubtlymakeaninquiryabouthis absence.

  "Ithinkhewentoutaboutquarterofanhourago."Mr. Stevensreplied,withhisglassed-eyesindulgedintoahuge newspaper.

  "MaybehewenttoseeDoris;afterallsheleftinsucha statelastnight."Brunosnappedwitharidiculoussmile. "Oh,isthatso?"Claireprompted,anditwaslikeapiercing totheheart. Afterbreakfast,shestoodupbythefrontwindow,with armsfoldedacrossherchest.WhatbusinesswasRyanhaving withDoristoleavesoearlyinthemorning?Shekeptsighingin turnswhileleaningagainstthewindowframe,thatshecouldn't evennoticeapresenceofsomeonebesideher.

  "Areyouenjoyingtheflowers?"AskedMr.Stevenswitha smile.

  Startled,Clairesmiledathimandanswered."Yes.It's beautifuloutthere."

  "Itis,butwhydoyoulooksosad?"Heaskedagain,without wipinghissmile.

  "Sad?I'mnotsad."Sherepliedweakly. "OhClaire,"Hesighed."Imaybeanoldman,butthat's preciselywhyI'velivedlongenoughtounderstandthemeaning behindpeople'swords,looks,andevensmiles."

  "Grandfather,whatareyoutryingtosaynow?Shelaughed outthewords,andhebeckonedhertofollowhimoutside, wheretheytookawalkbythegarden;thesunwasjuststarting toshine.

  "Iknowmytwograndsonsverywell,"Mr.Stevenssaidwith apause."andfromthat,I'mverymuchawarethatBrunocan notbetheonetomakeyousad;he'stoolovingtocauseanyone aheartache,especiallythosehecaresabout"Hestaredather sideways,inaseriousmanner."SoisitRyan?"Hefinallyshot.

  Clairegaspedinshock."What?WhatareyousayingMr. Stevens?"Shesnorted,nervously. Helaughed."Whenwetalkedonthephonethelasttime,I wonderedwhatyouandRyanweredoingtogetheratthattime ofaday,butitwasn'timportant."Hehaltedandshedidthe same."What'simportantishowhelooksatyou,andtheway youlookathimClaire."Hesmiled.

  "I...don'tknowhowtodealwithhimgrandfather."Claire decidedtocomecleaneventually."I'mnotevensurewhatIfeel forhim,andwithhowcomplicatedheis,I'mafraidit'suseless toeventry."

  "Iunderstand."Hesaid."Ryanislikeacactus;hedoesn't allowanyonetouchinghim,butitdoesn'tmeanit'simpossible todoit.Heisagoodboy,youjustneedtobealittlepatientwith him."

  "Butwhatifhedoesn'tletme?"

  "Youwon'tknowunlessyoutryClaire.Don'tgiveuponhim yet,Iambeggingyou."Hepleaded. Clairesquintedalittle."Ican'tpromiseanything grandfather.Sometimesthingsdon'thappenjustbecausewe wantthemto."Shesaid.

  Theirtalkcontinuedforawhile,butinsteadofhelping,it leftherevenmoredistraught.FirstBrunotoldhertobecareful, andnowMr.Stevensaskedhertobemorepatientwithhim; whomwasshesupposedtofollow?Andwhatwasallthe mysterysurroundedRyananyway?Hadsomethinghappenedin hislifetomakehimsodifficulttodealwith?Intheendshehad noanswerandonlygotherselfreadytogobackinthecity.She hadnointentiontowaitforRyanwhatsoever,andonlyfocused hermindonthegrandpresentationtomorrowatwork,which again,hadtoinvolvehiminthepicture.

  **** RYANwasatthehouseofDr.Marcos,andhiswifewarmlytold himthatDoriswasstillinherbedroom.Shewasasbeautifulas herdaughter,exceptshewasverykindandcordial.

  "CanIpleasetalktotoherAnne?"Ryanasked. "OfcourseRyan.Justgotoherroombecauseshe'salready awake;andthankyouforbringingherhomelastnight.Idon't knowwhenshestarteddrinkinglikeafish."

  Withafaintsmile,Ryanwentstraighttoherbedroomand knocked;thedooropenedfewsecondsafter,andDoris appearedinamess,stillinthesamedressshewaswearinglast night.

  "Comein,"sheuttered."I'msorry,I'mstillinsuchawreck, didn'tthinkyou'dcomehere."Hervoicehadahintofsarcasm butitdidn'tseemtobotherRyan.Hesatdownonthecouch whileshereachedforherbed.

  "Howdoyoufeelrightnow?"Ryanasked,seriously. "I'mgood,asyoucansee,ItoldyouIwasn'tdrunk,didn't I?"Sheansweredharshly. "Iguessso.Well,Ithinkweneedtotalk,aboutlastnight." Ryansaid,andshegottense."Afterallwearefriendsand colleagues,soweneedtoputthingsright"

  Dorissmirked."Andso?Whatdoyouhavetosay?" "Doris,Ilikeyoualot,andyouknowthat!We'vebeen friendssincekidsandyou'relikeasisterthatIneverwantto lose."Hesaidcalmly."I'velongknownaboutyourfeelings,and that'swhyItriedmybestnottomisleadyou;becauseIdon't wanttospoilthisrelationshipwehaveandmuchlesshurtyou."

  Dorisforcedalaugh."Afriend.Alittlesister."Sheuttered withsarcasm. "Idon'thavetheleisurenortheconfidencetoloveyouor anyone.I'mquitefarfromthepersontogiveyouwhatever you'relookingforinaman."Headded.

  "WhyRyan?Whycan'tthatpersonbeyou?Isitbecameof thatwomanagain?Thatstupidopportunistwho--" "Pleasedon'tbringherupintothis.Don'tevendare mentionhername."Ryansnappedangrily;he'deventurnedred attheremark.

  Sheswallowed."Okaysorry,ifnotabouther,thenwhoelse? Claire?"Shesnapped,andheonlystared."OhsoClairecanbe withyouandIcan't?AreyousayingthatIshouldbehappythat you'rebeingveryconsideratewithmeandquitetheopposite withher?"

  "Idon'tunderstandwhyyou'rebringingClaireintothis either."Hestoodup. "I'mstartingtofeelsorryforher,"Dorisstoodupaswell. "I'mfeelingsorryforClaire;shehasnoideawhatafrozenheart isbeatingagainstyourchest.Becauseyou'reright,youcan't loveanyonewiththatstoneheartofyours;butIdon't understandwhatyouwantfromhereitherway.Doyouwantto sleepwithherlikeeveryothergirlsyousleepwith?Isthatwhat youwantfromher?"

  "StopDoris!"Ryanbarked;feelinglikeshe'dstartedcrossing theline. "Nodon'ttellmetostop!"Shescreamedtohisface,then sighed."Butyouknowwhat,goaheadanddoit;it'snotlikeI careaboutthatspoiledbratanyway.Dowhateveryouwantwith her,andI'llbehappytogiveherahandkerchiefwhenthingsgo west."Shelaugheddiabolically"Ithinkyou'refeelingbetternow, I'llgetgoing."Ryansaid.

  "OfcourseI'mfeelingbetter!DoyouthinkI'dcryoveryou likeatimidheartbrokencollegegirl?ForgetwhatIsaid yesterday,andjustleavemyhouseyouscoundrel."Sheyelled.

  Hesighed."Youcantakefewdaysoffifyouwanttorest." "Why?DoImakeyouuncomfortablenow?"Sheyelledagain; shehatedthefactthathedidn'tseemaffectedatallwithallthe harshness.

  "Noyoudon't.Ijustwantyoutobeinyourrightmindwhen youcomebackintheoffice."Hereturneddryly. Dorisrolledhereyes."OkayMr.President.I'lldoasyou wish."Shemutteredangrily,andheonlynodded,before disappearingoutofhersight.

  CHAPTER23

  ItwasMondayatlast;Clairewasup,andreadyforworksoearly inthemorning.Shehadn'theardawordfromRyansinceher sleepoverintohisroom,anditdidn'tseemtomatteranymore. Again,onherwayout,shebumpedintoJorgewhoregardedher withanastonishedstare.

  "Wow!Issomethinggoingonintheofficetoday?Because youlookawesome."Hesnapped,alittleexaggeratedlyfor Claire'sopinionofthematter.

  "Ohplease!Don'tmakemyheadburstsoearlyinthe morning."Shereturned,diffidentlyinmanners. "ButI'mprettyserious.Youlookamazing,wellyoualways do,but...you'vepushedbeyondordinarytoday."SaidJorge casuallyastheywalkedoutbythemaindoor.

  Matter-of-factly,Clairewasactuallylookingherbest.She waswearingthecreamdressthatshe'dboughtfewdaysago,at Gena'sconviction,claimingthatitwastoosexytoliveintherack. Itwasastraightdress;tight,nottootight,justenoughto emphasizeherterrificfigureandapairofbeautifullonglegs. Forshoes,shehadburgundyscarpin-heelsthatmatchedthe shadeonherlips.She'dtiedupherhairintoaprofessionalbun, andherneckwasencircledwithasimplegoldnecklacethat cameinhandywithitsmatchingwatchandlittleearrings.In short,shelookednotmorenorless,butelegantinsimplicity.

  "AlrightJorge,thanks.Ihaveanimportantpresentation today."Shehumblyremarked.

  "Ohthatexplains,okayhopin,I'llgiveyouride."Jorgesaid. "Thankyou."Clairerepliedanddriftedintohisdarkgrey FordSUVthatheseemedtohavemuchloyaltywith;he'dbeen drivingitforaslongasshecouldremember,andtakengreat careofit.

  Arrivedintheoffice,ClairereceivedsamepraisesasJorge's, whenhercolleagueslandedeyesonher.Shemodestly answeredwithathank-you,andtriedtosettledowninhercube, whenLydiautteredaudibly;

  "Maybesheshouldbealittlesubtle;peoplemightthink she'stryingtouseherlookstoattractourclients."Andwiththat everyonelookedather."What?I'monlybeinghonesthere,"she said."weallknowhoweasilydistractedmencanbe,andIdon't wantourreputationdrainedinthemud."

  Asalways,Claireonlysmiled."Don'tworryLydia,Iwon't evertarnishyourreputationifthat'swhatyou'reworried about."Shesaidflatly."Buthey,it'snotsuchabadideaifmy lookscanactuallydistractthemwhileNathangivesthe presentationright?"Sheaddedandtherestlaughedinunison.

  "That'sright.Weshould'veemployedthistacticlongago andthey'dacceptedourdesignsrightaway."Chrisjokedanda funnydiscussionarose.Lydiarolledhereyesasthough everyonewasnothingbutsimpletons.

  Nathanfinallyappeared."Okaythat'senoughAmbrose,"he toldChrisamidsthisspeech."Levy,intwohours."Hesaidto Claire,poi
ntedly.

  "YesNathan."Sheanswered,andstartedtogatherher thingsready,beforeindulgingintoherusualworkloadtostarta day.

  Intwoandahalfhourslater,thetwohadalreadyarrivedat SK.Theywentstraightaheadtothesameconferenceroomas before,andinjustawhilelater,Ryanandthethreeother gentlemenarrived.Harrywasn'tpresent,andneitherwasDoris, butinstead,anotherelderlywomanjoinedthemandseemedto beregardedratherrespectfullywitheveryone,includingRyan himself.

  Nathantookthereign,andproceededwithallthechanges. ClairewasseatedfarfromRyan,whotreatedherlikeastranger yetagain;shedecidedlydidexactlythesame,andwithpleasure, whileconcentratinghereyesonthescreen,andonlyturned fromtimetotimetowatcheveryone'sreactioninregardstothe changes.

  "Andinregardstoeverythingpresented,we'vebeen thinking,withyourinclinationofcourse,"Nathansaid."thatit wouldbebestifwefurnishpartofthisbuildingwithwood insteadofaconcretesothatitgivesadifferenttouchfromthe rest..."hecontinued,andthat'swhenthedoorswungopen andDoriswalkedinandshowedapologeticsmileasshe grabbedaseatnexttoRyan.

  "Itoldyoutotakeadayoff."Ryansaidinawhisper. "NomixingupworkandpersonallifeMr.President.I'm onlybeingprofessional."Dorisanswered,andhesmiledopenly; shedidthesame,anindicationthatshewasbacktohersenses, andnothingsotriflingassuch,could'vebrokenher.

  "OkayPanther,"Ryansaidabruptly."IthinkIlikeeverything today,especiallythepartaboutusingthewood,I'msurepeople withtastefortheenvironmentandwildernesswouldlovethat." Heeyedtheelderlywoman,whosmiledbashfullyandnodded athiminsomeknowingway.

  ClaireandNathanexchangedarelievedlook,asshe proudlyflatteredherselffortheideaofusingwoodasshe humblysuggestedduringtheirlastdiscussion.Shethengotup, ignoringallthemurmursintheroom,andmostlythe undescribablestarecomingfromDoris.Nathanshookhands withRyan,whileexchangingfewwordsthatshecouldscarcely hear,andshetriedtosuppresswhateverdiscomfortshewas feelingfromRyan'scruelindifferencetowardsher.

  "NicejobClaire,seemsyou'vereallydoneitthistime." Doris'svoicestartledher,andsheimmediatelyforcedasmile. "ThanksDoris,itwasateam'seffort!"Sheanswered,witha displayedhumility.

  "Iknow."Dorisremarkeddisdainfully,andleftasquicklyas she'ddroppedby. Staringback,Claire'seyesbumpedintoRyan'sforavery quickmoment;shesawnothingbutindifferenceyetagain,and sheslowlyretractedbygrabbingherpurseandwalkedoutof theroomasifgettingawayfromherownshadow.Shewas standinginfrontoftheelevator,whenNathanappearedwitha triumphantsmilethatdughisdimplesdeeply.