by Caitlyn Dare
And I hate it.
It’s Friday, and the permanent knot in my stomach is bigger than ever. The weekend should be something to look forward to, but instead it fills me with dread. I’ll have no school to escape to. No Levi and Jayden or Shelbie in my corner.
I’ll be all alone with Warren and Mitch—not that he’s any use. He’s hardly been sober since I got back, preferring to chase away his demons at the bottom of a bottle.
“You’re quiet,” Warren says, gripping my knee a little too tightly.
“Just thinking,” I murmur, watching the boarded buildings and graffitied walls roll by. The Heights in all its rundown, impoverished glory is worlds away from the Bay, despite only being a twenty-minute ride along the coast. There’s no swanky beach houses and gated communities here. There’s only crime and drugs and things that go bump in the night.
“Shark week about done?”
Warren’s crass words make me flinch, but his fingers sliding up my thigh make my stomach churn.
Please God, no. Not here. Not before school.
“Almost,” I sing, forcing a smile.
“Fuck yes. I’ve got plans for you this weekend, baby. Big plans.” He grabs his junk and shoots me a wolfish smile that makes me want to gouge my eyes out and puke at the same time.
Thankfully, Heights High comes into view and with it, the streams of kids filing through the gate.
“I never liked this place,” Warren muses. “At least you’ve only got a few weeks left.” He finds a parking spot and cuts the engine. “And then you’ll be free and we can start planning our future.” He says it as if we actually have options.
Warren graduated last summer, and, like most kids who manage to get their diploma from Heights High, he’s still here, earning money the only way he knows how—through back alley deals and the odd hacking job. Warren is a whizz on computers. Like, insanely good. If he didn’t live in the Heights and have Mitch for a dad, he could probably have gone to MIT or something. But kids from the Heights don’t soar high. If they’re lucky, they might get a full ride to a decent college out of state, but even that’s unlikely.
“Yeah.” I struggle to keep the defeat out of my voice.
“Hey, Kennedy, look at me.” He tugs my hand sharply and I lift my eyes to his. I’m like a marionette, a slave to his strings. “I’ll take care of you, baby. You know that right?”
Pressing my lips together, I nod.
“Good girl.” His thumb finds its way to the pillow of my lip. He pushes slowly, forcing the digit inside my mouth. If kids walk too close to his car, they’ll see us like this.
They’ll see him degrading me.
“Suck,” he orders.
My eyes flutter shut as I close my mouth around his thumb and obey.
“God, I wish I could fuck your pretty little mouth again.”
Tears burn the backs of my eyes, but I don’t allow them to fall. The longer I’m with Warren, the easier it is to shut down my emotions. Soon there will be nothing left, and I’ll be dead inside.
Conner had slowly begun to bring me back to life, but I realize now how foolish that had been. It’s only going to make everything hurt that much more this time around.
Finally, he pulls his thumb out and I inhale a shaky breath.
“Listen, I have a thing to take care of later. I might be late.”
“What thing?”
“Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” He smirks.
“It’s okay, I can catch a ride with Shelbie. I’m sure she won’t mind.”
“You’ll come straight home?”
“Where else would I go?” I shrug. “You know,” I hesitate, “it would make life easier if you give me my cell phone back.”
“Already on it,” he says.
“Yeah?” A seed of hope takes root inside me.
“I’m getting you a new one. But you’ll have to wait until your birthday.”
A new phone. Which probably means he’s put a tracker on it to monitor my every move.
“Thank you.” I smile, but it doesn’t reach my eyes.
“I don’t want to keep you caged up like some animal, Ken. But after what happened... I need to be able to trust you, baby.”
He talks like I was the one who beat myself half to death. But that’s Warren; he doesn’t think like most people. He’s paranoid and highly strung, and where I’m concerned he’s borderline psycho with stalker tendencies.
“You can trust me,” I say.
A knock on the window startles me and I turn to find Shelbie grinning at me.
“She’s really starting to fucking annoy me.” Warren is referring to the fact that she’s personally escorted me from his car every morning.
It’s weird—I wouldn’t have called Shelbie my best friend before I went to the Bay, but since returning, she’s been nothing but rock solid. It’s a small mercy in this nightmare I’ve found myself in.
“So I’ll see you later at the trailer?” I lean over to kiss his cheek, but Warren catches my neck and plants a big, sloppy kiss on my lips.
“I want to come home and find you naked and waiting for me, okay?”
“Mm-hmm,” I mumble, reaching for the door. “Have a good day.”
“Hey, girl. Warren,” Shelbie clips out.
“Garret, always a pleasure.”
Giving him a small wave, I slam the door and enjoy the smell of freedom.
“You seem different.” Shelbie regards me for a second before looping her arm through mine.
“I’m okay,” I lie.
Because I don’t have the heart to tell her that she’s right.
I am different.
I’m slowly withering away.
The longer I stay in the Heights with Warren, the more pieces of my heart will rot.
Until eventually, there’s nothing left.
“We need to talk,” Levi says, sliding his tray onto the table.
“Take a seat, why don’t you,” I quip as if he and Jayden haven’t sat with us for the last four lunchtimes. We don’t talk much, not really. We eat our questionable lunches, Shelbie occasionally teases Jayden about whatever drama he’s managed to get himself tangled up in, and then we go our separate ways. I have one class with Jayden, two with Levi, and homeroom and the rest of my classes with Shelbie. Between the three of them, they’ve managed to cover most of my schedule.
Before I would have said it was unnecessary, but now there’s something comforting about knowing they have my back. In an odd kind of way, having Levi and Jayden around makes me feel close to Conner.
“Is Warren picking you up from school?”
“I’m riding with Shelbie today, why?”
“Good,” he murmurs. “That’s good.”
“Okay, what am I missing?”
He and Jayden share a look. Jayden shrugs, and Levi lets out a long breath.
“After class, head to the swimming pool locker rooms.”
“What?” I hiss with disbelief. No one goes in the pool house. It’s been out of bounds for years. The pool was deemed unsafe so they closed the entire building. It’s sat there empty ever since.
“It’ll be open. You can walk right in.”
“Yeah, but why would I want to do that?”
“Just make sure you’re there, Kenny.” Levi grumbles, but Jayden’s eyes give them away.
“Conner,” I breathe. “No, he can’t. He can’t risk it.” I lean across the table. “You have to tell him not to come. I mean it, Levi. Promise me.”
“Have you met Jagger?” he scoffs. “He’ll do what he wants with or without our help. We figured at least this way, he shouldn’t get caught.”
“He’s really coming here?” I don’t know how to feel about it. On the one hand I’m so fucking relieved. But on the other, I’m terrified. He’ll know. He’ll take one look at me and know I’ve let Warren touch me.
“Yeah. You need to head straight to the pool house after class,” Levi whispers. “Take the back path and you s
hould be undetected.”
“I...” Do I really want to do this?
Do I really want to betray Warren and risk seeing Conner?
I shouldn’t. But I need a chance to explain. I need a chance to apologize. I just need to see him, even for a few minutes.
Guilt rises inside me like a tidal wave. I’m doing this to protect Conner and his family, but part of me had wondered if they would all write me off.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” My voice trembles.
“It’s pretty simple, K,” Levi scoffs. “You go easily, or you don’t and Jagger chases you down. He’s determined to see you, whether you play ball or not.”
A shiver runs down my spine at his words. Conner is pissed. He has to be. I left like a thief in the night. Even though I had good reason to, he won’t see it like that.
Because he loves you.
I shut down the little voice.
I can’t be weak, not now. Not when there’s too much at stake.
“Hey,” Shelbie says, covering my hand with hers. “It’ll be okay, Kennedy.”
I want to believe her, I do. But seeing Conner again, staring him in the eye after everything that’s happened... I’m not sure I’ll survive it.
By the end of the day, my heart is a runaway train in my chest. I barely heard anything the teacher said in last period, the roar of blood in my ears so loud everything else is white noise.
The hall is chaos as I file out of the classroom. Levi catches my eye, giving me an encouraging nod. I’m surprised he isn’t personally walking me to the pool house, but I know we need to be discreet.
Shelbie, however, does intercept me. Lacing her arm through mine, she says, “So I’ll hang around in the library, and if Warren suspects anything, we’ll tell him I had to finish a paper.”
“Okay.” The knot in my stomach is so tight I feel a little nauseous.
“Hey, it’ll be okay, you know?”
“Will it?” My palms grow slicker with every step. We slip out of the back exit and loop around one side of the building, cutting across the path to the abandoned pool house.
Conner is in there. I can feel him. My heart pounds harder in my chest and my steps falter.
“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.” I grab Shelbie’s arm, grinding to a halt.
“I know you’re scared,” she says softly, her eyes alight with sympathy. “But it’s Conner, K. He would never hurt you.”
I nod despite the way my stomach churns.
“Go,” she encourages. “You got this. Just don’t be too long. We don’t want to make Warren suspicious.”
I nod again, dragging in a calming breath.
Shelbie doesn’t follow this time. I walk the last few steps alone, until I reach the doors. Sure enough, I find them unlocked and slip inside. I’ve only been in here once before, when Conner and I were in ninth grade. We skipped class once and hung out in here.
Finally, I reach the locker room doors.
Here goes nothing.
I push it open and step inside and his head snaps up. His eyes are dark and bloodshot, and his jaw looks painfully clenched.
“You came,” he says flatly, so devoid of emotion it breaks my heart all over again.
“Yeah,” I say.
He stands up, taking the air with him. “We need to talk, K.”
“Yeah.” My stomach twists violently. “I know.”
Chapter Ten
Conner
It's been six days since I’ve been close to her, since I looked into her eyes, since her scent filled my nose. I don't know what I really expected her to look like when I saw her again. Part of me wanted her to be a mess, to obviously regret every second of what's happened this week, but another part of me, the nicer side, wanted her to be happy, to know that at least one of us wasn't dying inside.
But as she walks toward me, she almost looks just like the Kenny I remember so well. Her complexion is light, her clothes are normal, but it's not until I look right into her eyes that I find the real truth. And what I discover has all the air racing from my lungs.
I'm not the only one suffering here. And it fucking kills me.
Anger explodes within me. At her for putting us both through this. At Warren for being the cunt who has manipulated all of us. At James for not fixing this sooner and allowing me to take back what’s mine. At myself for waiting six fucking days to be standing in front of her.
"Why?" The word falls from my lips and echoes around the cold, abandoned locker room.
This isn't what I wanted. I didn't want my anger to get the better of me; I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her that everything is going to be okay. But right now, seeing that look in her eyes, I'm not sure I can do it.
"I didn't have a choice, Conner."
"Bullshit," I snap, my hands coming up to tug at my hair painfully. "You always have a choice."
She shakes her head, not even bothering to try to defend her actions.
"You could have spoken to me, told me what was happening. You could have spoken to Dad, Cole, Hadley, Vager, FUCKING ANYTHING," I scream at her, my need for her to know just how badly this is ripping me apart inside is too much to contain. "But you did none of those fucking things."
I blow out a long breath, turning my back on her, much like she did to me in Colton on the weekend.
"Instead, you snuck out in the middle of the night, pretending that you don't want me anymore. That's fucking cold, K."
"I-I didn't—"
"Have a choice?" I boom. "Yeah, I got that fucking memo."
I spin back to her, the devastation now clear in her tear-filled eyes.
"I was living a lie with you, Conner. We both know that. I don't belong in the Bay, at that school. I'm a Heights girl through and through. This is my home, where I should be."
"You mean you should be with him?" I seethe, closing the space between us. "You think you deserve to be with that psychotic cunt?" She flinches at my harsh words, but we both know she can't argue with them.
We've both experienced what it's like to be on the wrong end of his fists. Okay, so I might not have been the one with the black eye, but seeing what he did to her, hurt me just as much as it did her. Only, my injuries weren't visible to anyone else.
"I-I don't—"
"Don't even think about trying to fucking defend him, K," I roar, closing the space between us until she's got no choice but to start backing up if she doesn't want us to collide—which apparently she doesn't. The sight of her keeping space between us is another stab to my already battered heart.
Her jaw drops, but only a gasp passes her lips when she bumps up against the lockers.
"Has he touched you?" I growl, needing to know exactly what I'm dealing with here. Has he just taken my girl to torture me, to prove a point? Or is there more to the deranged psycho?
"Don't... don't do this."
Red hot fury explodes in my stomach and seeps into each one of my veins at her words, at the panic on her face.
"Has he hurt you again?" My eyes flick over her exposed skin, but other than the dark circles under her eyes, I see no evidence of anything being wrong.
Not happy with that, seeing as she's wearing a huge fucking hoodie, I reach out and rip it from her, leaving her standing in just her tank.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
I scan her skin for bruises, for anything, but I find nothing.
Stepping right up to her, my hand wraps around her throat and I hold tight enough to feel the thundering of her pulse beneath my fingertips.
"Conner?" she breathes, her eyes barely able to hold mine. I have no idea what she can see within them, how out of fucking control I look right now, but I don't care.
"Has he touched you?" I breathe, my voice low and haunting.
"N-no, not yet, not really."
"Don't answer me in fucking riddles, K. Has he touched what's mine, taken what's mine?" We're so close my nose brushes against hers and the heat of her body burns into mine.
I might just be torturing myself, because really, none of it matters, but I need to fucking know.
"No, he hasn't… Not yet."
A growl rumbles up my throat at her admission.
"But he will. I can only put him off for so long."
"You gonna give it up to him?" I regret the question the second it falls from my lips, but it's too late now. It's out in the open and hanging between us.
"What? No. Don't be so ridiculous. I don't want him anywhere near me, but I can't do much about it, can I? Is it true, Conner?"
"Is what true?" I ask, feeling like I've just been slapped with the subject change.
"What he's got on James. Is it true?"
I narrow my eyes at her, wondering how much she knows, how much Warren willingly told her, or if he's filled her full of lies and bullshit. My money would certainly be on the latter.
"That all depends on what he's told you."
"He... he wants to hurt you, all of you."
"You think that’s news to me, K? He's been doing that since the day he asked you to be his. Ripping my fucking heart out and parading it around in front of me. He's fucking sick."
"You think I don't know that? I experience that every day, every time he looks at me, every time he forces me to—" She slams her lips shut, realizing what she was just about to admit.
"When he forces you to do what, K?"
She shakes her head.
"You want to be all noble and protect me? Then you need to start by telling me the fucking truth," I shout at her, getting right in her face, but she doesn't flinch, she doesn't cower. Not to me, anyway. She knows me better than to be scared of me.
"You know damn well that he wouldn't let me get away with putting stuff off. So no, he hasn’t gotten between my legs yet, but he's had me on my knees like the little fucking slave he seems to think I am." Her anger is palpable, and I use it to feed my own.
Images flash through my mind, ones that should never, ever be there, and my body trembles with my restraint.