Before, There Was You

by Kit Harlow

  “Then I showed up,” I volunteered.

  “Then you showed up,” she repeated, gesturing at me.

  I grimaced. “I really shouldn’t be here,” I said, more to myself than Katie.

  She smacked my arm with the back of her hand. “Yes, you should,” she said sincerely. “You earned it. You’re good at what you do and without you, The Wire wouldn’t be as strong as it is.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You’re just saying that.’

  “No, I’m not.” Her tone was both firm and gentle. “When have I ever lied to you?” She studied my face, waiting for an answer. There was none because she hadn’t. “I was the one who told James to hire you,” she said softly.

  I blinked. “What?”

  “He asked me to read some of the applicant’s samples. Yours were the best.” She shrugged. “So, I told him that he should bring you on.” She glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. “Your writing style has changed, so I didn’t recognize it for yours. But even if I had, I still would have told him to hire you.”

  “Katie,” I started.

  “You’re the best at what you do.”

  Though it wasn’t quite companionable silence, it was close, and I reveled in the feeling. For the first time in ages, we weren’t at odds and I became painfully aware of how much I actually missed her. She was still such a part of my life that I couldn’t shake her. It was something that I doubted David would understand, and even if he could, I wouldn’t want to tell him. Katie was a special private piece of my past that would be violated if he knew. She was my secret and she was my heart. Though I constantly fought against it.

  If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend that nothing had changed between us. When Emily came back in, the mood in the room shifted back to one of holiday joy. But something had passed between me and Katie and it left us constantly glancing at each other from across the room.

  When the sun had set, I begged my way out of dinner, much to Katie’s obvious relief and Emily’s disappointment.

  “It was great to see you,” I said as Em rushed into a final hug.

  She pushed me back and smiled. “Don’t be a stranger. You still have my number. Use it the moment you feel like you’re ready for a divorce.”

  Katie coughed nervously from the couch and Em rolled her eyes. “Ignore her.”

  I grinned and looked at Katie, wanting desperately to hug her goodbye, but knowing it would be far too awkward.

  “Thanks for the invite,” I said earnestly.

  “Thanks for coming,” she replied brightly.

  I nodded and headed out the door, pulling it shut behind me. For the first time, I felt more like myself than I had in years. And it had everything to do with where I’d celebrated Christmas. I turned and headed down the stairs and out the door.

  Pounding footsteps on the pavement behind me forced me to turn around.

  “Hey,” Katie shouted as she jogged towards me.

  “Hey,” I said, genuinely surprised.

  She looked nervous. “I didn’t get a chance to give you your present,” she said softly.

  I smiled. “Kat, you didn’t have to get me anything.” She shrugged and handed me a small gift bag.

  “Open it when you get home.” She turned on her heel and started walking back to her apartment.

  Screw it, I thought. “Hey, Kat!” She spun immediately as I walked quickly over to her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders in a gentle hug. “Merry Christmas.”

  Her arms hesitated for a moment before wrapping themselves around my waist. “Merry Christmas, Lizzie.” We stood like that for a few moments, just enough to make the contact awkward. She pulled away and tucked my hair back up under the edge of my beanie gently. She closed her eyes as a solitary tear slipped down her cheek. My heart pounded so loud I was afraid she’d hear it, but it didn’t stop me. I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers lightly.

  She responded with an enthusiasm I wasn’t expecting, but I couldn’t stop myself. My lips parted as her tongue gently probed against them. The back of her neck was soft under my bare hand as I ran my fingers along her hair. Against my better judgment and my conscience screaming at me inside my head, I kissed her back, momentarily forgetting the last five years and embracing the sense of absolute rightness that went along with the feeling of Katie pressed up against me. My cheeks were wet as she pulled away, though this time, from my own tears.

  She blinked rapidly, staring at my face with confusion and desire.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. Her hands still cradled my back gently and she studied my eyes intently. “Lizzie…”

  “Merry Christmas,” I said quickly, desperate to get away. If I stayed any longer, I couldn’t promise that I’d be able to resist—I’d only end up in her arms again.

  Her arms fell away and hung at her side and I felt her eyes on my back as I pedaled my bike down the block, leaving her standing in front of her apartment.

  ◆◆◆

  I headed straight back to my apartment, anxiously awaiting a bottle of wine and the feeling of solitude after being around Katie for so long today. It was wonderful, but at the same time, my nerves were shot.

  Once inside my apartment, I headed straight to the kitchen, poured a large glass of merlot, and sat on the sofa. The gift bag sat in front of me, staring me down. I took a long drink of wine and pulled it closer to me.

  The tag on the side bore my name in Katie’s careful print and I smiled. It had been so long since I’d seen her handwriting. I was being overly nostalgic.

  Carefully, I pulled the tissue paper out, revealing a card in a bright green envelope. My fingers gently slid under the envelope’s lip and I stared at the tree-shaped card nervously. Flipping it open, I found a picture of me and David at the Christmas party. I’d seen her with her camera, but hadn’t noticed her take it out. We looked so happy. Beneath it, Katie had written a note.

  Liz, it read, This has been one of the strangest winters of my life. I never thought I’d see you again, let alone be working alongside you. But I’m glad I am. It’s given me a lot to think about, but as always, you manage to bring out the best in me. Like it or not, you’ve helped me rediscover my passion. I thought I could do the same for you. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Always, -K

  I tossed the rest of the tissue paper to the side and stared at a small paperback. A Prompt a Day it said in vibrant yellow script. The pages were blank save for a ridiculous writing prompt on the top of each one.

  I grinned. Katie knew me well—better even than I knew myself. Flipping through the pages, I couldn’t help but wonder if she was right. Maybe I had given up on my dreams a bit too early. I polished off the rest of my wine, settling in to watch a mindless movie. By the time it was over, I was lightly tipsy and feeling overly sentimental. I stared at my phone, wondering if Katie was still awake. The hours had slipped by and it was already midnight. I shrugged and dialed her number. The phone rang only once.

  “I am so sorry,” she said immediately. “I should have stopped myself.”

  “It’s my fault. I’m the one who kissed you first. Please just tell me this isn’t going to make work more awkward than it has been,” I begged.

  She was silent for a long time. “I’ll try if you will,” she whispered.

  A sigh of relief erupted from my lips. “Deal. Thank you for the journal.”

  “You’re welcome.” She cleared her throat. “Thanks for the 18 year,” she said gently, voice still barely over a whisper.

  I chuckled. “Why are you whispering? Are you afraid Em will know you’re talking to me?”

  “Yes,” she groaned quietly. “How is David?” she asked, abruptly changing the topic.

  “Goodnight, Katie.”

  I set aside the journal, turned my phone off, and headed to the bathroom. After a long and emotionally taxing day, all I wanted was to relax beneath a steady stream of hot water. I cranked the tap, let the hot water steam the bathroom and relished the feeling of my muscle
s finally relaxing. Almost as soon as the last bit of tension left my shoulders, I lost all composure. Before I knew it, I was crouched beneath the stream of water, sobbing. None of this was how it was supposed to be and everything I thought I wanted was up in the air.

  I waited until the hot water ran out and sat on the edge of the tub feeling utterly drained. Katie had brought back all those memories and seemed to every day. It was overwhelming and I hated that I missed her. Without David there, I had no distraction.

  Chapter 9

  New Year’s Eve promised to be a crazy and action-packed experience for everyone except for me. Though Nate was hosting a party and Stephanie promised I would enjoy a night out pretending I was single, the thought of it left me cold. I’d rather pass the holiday inside my apartment, alone, with the cheapest Chinese food I could find.

  It was late, but I was wide awake, staring at the television without really seeing it. The New Year’s Eve festivities broadcast on the screen left me only mildly distracted from my domestic troubles. I wanted David home, but it would be a few weeks yet and the loneliness was getting to me. I'd ordered Chinese, but it sat, uneaten, on the coffee table. I was too distracted to eat, to focus on anything. Christmas at Katie’s house had given me plenty of things to think about and now that I was alone, I found myself mulling over all of our interactions that night.

  A knock on the door shook me out of my stupor. Who the hell would be knocking on my door at 9 o'clock? On New Year's Eve? Who else had no life? I grabbed my pepper spray as a precaution and opened the door. Katie stood in front of me with a large paper-wrapped frame leaning against her legs. She smiled as soon as she saw my face.

  "Hey," she said cautiously. "Is David home?" she peered into my apartment.

  "No. He's still Chicago," I said, motioning for her to come in. She did, though reluctantly. "Is that the picture?" I asked.

  "Yeah," she said absently, looking around my apartment. "Nice place," she said with a half grin.

  "Thanks." We once again embraced that awkward silence.

  Her eyes remained guarded, neither showing pain nor happiness. We hovered by the door, neither of us knowing what to say or how to handle the sudden fact that we were alone with each other in my apartment. Being alone in the neutral territory of the office or a concert venue was one thing, but for Katie to be in my apartment, full of things belonging to both me and David—it was just weird.

  Katie cleared her throat. "Anyway, I just wanted to drop this off," she said gesturing to the picture. “I figured you’d still be getting ready and I thought I’d drop it off on my way home.”

  "Oh, yeah. Thanks."

  She glanced over my shoulder at the TV and unopened Chinese containers on the table. “Big plans for tonight?” she asked sardonically.

  I shrugged. “I didn’t feel like going out.”

  Her eyebrows almost buried themselves in her hairline. “You love New Year’s Eve! You always go out.”

  “Not this year.” I moved to put the picture away in the bedroom where it wouldn’t get damaged.

  Her fingers combed through her hair nervously as she hovered by the door. “Didn’t feel like it, huh?” She studied me intently and though I expected a certain callousness in her eyes, I found none. Instead, I was greeted with the same concern her sister had shown me at Christmas.

  I perched on the back of the couch just a few feet away from her. “I didn’t want to go out alone,” I answered. “To be honest, I haven’t been in much of a holiday spirit this year.”

  Katie crossed her arms and thought for a moment. “Then go out with me.”

  “What?” I couldn’t help but laugh.

  “Nate is throwing his epic New Year’s party. Go with me.”

  “As what?” I asked. “Your date?”

  Her eyebrows rose in surprise. “I was thinking more along the lines of as my friend.”

  “Is that what we are? Friends?”

  She shrugged. “We could be.”

  I bit my lip and thought about it, but she could read my agreement a mile away. The knowing look in her eyes was all it took.

  “Let me get dressed,” I conceded. “Want something to drink?” I asked, already heading to the kitchen. I was desperate to alleviate the tension in the room.

  "Sure," she shouted back, voice muffled. I heard her moving about the living room, probably looking at our decorations, books and such. Katie never had been one to sit still. Movement made it easier for her. I hated that I remembered that. Her hands were tucked into her pockets like she was afraid to touch anything. As though by touching things, she'd have to admit to the life I was living currently.

  I brought out two Magic Hat #9's and popped the tops off with an old keychain I'd had for years. I passed one of the beers to Katie.

  "You still have that thing?" There was a smile flirting at the edges of her lips.

  I looked at my keychain. "Yeah. Why?"

  She shrugged. "I just thought you would have gotten rid of everything I'd given you." Her eyes were sad. I'd forgotten she'd given it to me. I'd had it for so long, I just took it for granted.

  "I like it," I said lamely. She smiled and sat down on the couch while I proceeded to get ready. I studied my options in my closet and settled on a nice black cocktail dress that showed off my still-athletic form quite nicely. Typically, I only wore it with David on my arm, but tonight, I was feeling a bit more courageous—and a bit more vindictive. If he saw pictures, I wanted him to be jealous. He had, after all, abandoned me to celebrate my holiday season completely alone.

  My T-shirt landed in a pile on the unmade bed and I slipped my jeans down my legs quickly, ever mindful of the fact that my ex was sitting in my living room.

  The dress slid over my frame easily, falling a bit more loosely over my hips than I remembered. Work had been busy and more often than not, lunch slipped by without me noticing. I shrugged and tugged at the zipper behind my back. Just as the zipper was halfway up my back, I felt it snag on the fabric.

  “Shit,” I hissed. No matter how I twisted, I couldn’t free the zipper. “Hey, Kat,” I shouted.

  “Yeah?” she sounded distracted—I’d left the TV on and knowing Katie, she’d already found some show she loved on air.

  “Help.”

  The sound of her footsteps in my living room made my heart race, but seeing her face in my doorway—I was weak at the knees and hating myself for it.

  “Zipper?”

  I nodded and she immediately crossed to the bathroom where I stood staring at our reflections. Her fingers were gentle as she picked the fragile fabric out of the zipper as cautiously as possible. Every now and then, they’d brush against the skin of my back, sending a much-loathed flash of desire pulsing at my center.

  She tugged at the sides of my dress and slid the zipper in place. Her hands hovered on my shoulders lightly before they gradually slid to my hips and rested on either side like they belonged there. “There,” she said softly, taking her hands away too soon for my liking. She met my eyes in the mirror. “David is a lucky man,” she said softly. The sadness in her eyes was unmistakable.

  She stood behind me and the image of the two of us so close together brought a tear to my eye. I’d missed her more than I’d thought. She nodded once and headed back out to the living room to give me the space I needed.

  Once I was alone, I leaned against the counter for support, heart caught somewhere in my throat. This was not supposed to happen. I wasn’t even supposed to still have feelings for her. Maybe going out wasn’t such a good idea.

  I thought about my husband and the fact that he was out having fun on his own while I was left here to be a lonely bunch of nerves, and swallowed my anxiety. I deserved this and I was tired of feeling so miserable.

  I slipped a pair of heels over my feet and grabbed my wool coat to complete the look, leaving my hair down. With one last look in the mirror and a final long sip of my beer, I stepped into the living room.

  “Okay. Let’s go,” I said f
irmly.

  Katie turned around from her vantage point on the sofa and stared, jaw dropped.

  “You look…” she lost her train of thought. I watched her swallow and shove her hands in her pockets nervously.

  I smirked. “Thanks.” I offered her a hand and hauled her to her feet. “Should we take an Uber?”

  “Yeah, probably.” She stared again and blinked rapidly. “I’m not planning on staying sober. Are you?”

  “Not tonight.”

  ◆◆◆

  Nate’s apartment was larger than I’d anticipated and located in an old warehouse that had been converted to live/work units right in Back Bay. The Uber dropped us off at the front door and Katie rushed out of the vehicle. The entire drive, her eyes had studiously stayed as far away from me as possible. But now, outside of the safety and comfort of the moving car, she was forced to look at me. She audibly gulped as I stepped out of the car and shut the door.

  “Ready?” I asked. She nodded without saying anything and led the way into the apartment. I followed close on her heels, enjoying the fact that I was making her as uncomfortable as I felt.

  Nate’s door was open and inside, people were milling about, mingling with each other, dancing off in the corner, and otherwise looking like they were having a great time. It was only 10, but it looked like the party was in full swing. Katie smiled at me and offered to grab us drinks, quickly disappearing into the crowd.

  “Oi!” I heard Steph shout from behind. “I thought you weren’t coming! I was about to call you and beg,” she said with a laugh. I chuckled and tossed my coat on the massive pile by the door, immediately feeling my cheeks burn as I caught Katie’s rapt stare.

  She made her way over towards us with two glasses of what I could only assume was some kind of punch.

  Steph noticed her and grimaced. “What is she doing here?” she asked under her breath. “And why is she coming towards us?”

  Katie handed me the cup and smiled politely at Steph. “Hey,” she said politely.