Before, There Was You

by Kit Harlow

  “For the first time in years, you decide to be social on New Year’s?” Stephanie said angrily. “Did you have to choose to come here? To this party?”

  Katie shrugged. “Nate invited me.”

  “He’s invited you for the last three years.”

  Katie sighed. “I had other plans then.”

  Stephanie rolled her eyes and turned to me, trying her best to ignore Katie. She started to look more and more uncomfortable, so I looped my arm through hers and pulled her close. The move was done out of habit more than anything, but I felt her relax next to me.

  “I forced her to come,” I stated. “I didn’t want to come alone and David is out of town.”

  Instead of saying anything back, she rolled her eyes again and stomped off.

  “Thanks for that,” Katie said in my ear. “She’s still mad at me.”

  I shrugged. “After what you did, I understand why.” Her face became immediately guarded and I sighed. “To be honest, when she told me, I was glad it was only one night,” I admitted.

  She smirked. “Jealous?” she asked jokingly.

  “I just don’t like the thought of you with someone else,” I admitted aloud. My hand went to my mouth immediately and I wished I could take it back. My cheeks burned and all I wanted to do was hide.

  Katie visibly searched for the words to reply, but before she could, I released her arm and headed towards Nate, waving at him as he met my eyes across the room.

  I found him ogling one of our newer coworkers whose name I couldn’t remember. I’d seen him around the office plenty, and he seemed nice, but I highly doubted it would turn into anything. He seemed straight to me.

  “Oh my god!” he said, staring at my dress. “You look hot!” He was already drunk, but I’d take the compliment anyway. “I’m so glad you decided to come!”

  He glanced around the room. “Did you come alone?”

  I shook my head. “Katie dragged me out. She said something about me needing to be social.”

  “Kate came too? Good lord! You’re really good for her, Liz!”

  I bit back the retort on the tip of my tongue, forgiving him in his drunken state. “Something like that. Anyway, go back to hitting on what’s his name. I expect a full recap in the morning. At least one of us needs to get laid tonight,” I smiled.

  “Oh, honey.” There was sympathy written on his face. “I’m so sorry,” he crooned. I nodded and glanced away, hating that my eyes were filled with tears. My shoulders slumped and I struggled to breathe around the tightness in my chest. I was alone and miserable.

  I closed my eyes and counted to ten, feeling an arm slip around my shoulders before I got to four. I leaned into the familiar embrace and felt my knees go weak. Katie was by my side, distracting Nate and single-handedly keeping me from crying, but the rush of emotion and desire that filled my heart every time I looked at her tonight—that was trouble.

  By the time Kate wrapped up the conversation, I was about ready to hug her. She’d read my discomfort from across the room and stepped in, even though she didn’t have to. We finally moved away from Nate and his love interest, heading to a more private corner of the room. She studied me closely.

  “Are you okay?”

  I took a deep breath and smiled. “Yeah. Just got a bit lonely for a second.”

  She smiled and bumped my shoulder with her own. “You’re not alone, Lizzie.” It was enough to make my eyes well and I downed the rest of my punch in two gulps, wincing as the burn of alcohol hit my throat.

  She raised an eyebrow, but instead of saying something, she followed suit. Judging from the burn, it was only a matter of time before the booze went straight to my head. I already felt it fueling my courage. I set my cup down and squared my shoulders.

  “Dance with me,” I demanded, holding out my hand.

  Katie smiled, embarrassed. “You don’t dance.”

  “As you keep saying, I’ve changed.”

  She shook her head in disbelief. “Who are you and what have you done with Lizzie Carter?”

  I smirked and waited, hand outstretched. Finally, she took it and I led her out to the clear part of the room where a few drunk coworkers were dancing with each other. Steph was wrapped around one of the interns, looking tipsy and completely infatuated. I couldn’t help but smile. Katie stood in front of me, avoiding eye contact studiously.

  “What’s wrong?” I pressed, knowing that her mind was racing. Without my liquid courage, mine would be too.

  She glanced in my direction and sighed. “Just…never mind,” she shook her head. “I’m glad you came.”

  We had fun, enjoying the fast-paced music. There was no pressure and knowing Nate, there wouldn’t be any slow dances either. By the time we were out of breath and ready to take a break, it was fast approaching midnight.

  “Let’s get some air,” Katie insisted, pulling me outside with her into the frigid Boston night. We made our way out onto the balcony where we were completely alone. I huddled in my coat and watched as Katie leaned against the railing, studying the city lights intently.

  I stood beside her, resting my elbows on the railing. We didn’t say anything at first, content to sit in silence and enjoy each other’s company. I closed my eyes, feeling whole for the first time in what felt like years, and it had a lot to do with the woman standing next to me.

  “Thanks for coming with me,” she said softly.

  I turned to look at her and smiled. “Thanks for dragging me out of my apartment.” I swallowed my nerves. “You look amazing, by the way.”

  Katie looked surprised and studied her outfit a bit more closely. She was dressed in a ruby red satin shirt and tight black jeans that hugged her hips closely. She’d strayed away from her treasured Doc Martens and had opted for a pair of black leather knee-high boots. The slight heel gave her a couple inches of height, matching my own.

  “Thanks.”

  Everyone inside was gathering in the middle of the apartment to watch the countdown approach on TV.

  “Do you want to go back inside and watch the ball drop?” she asked nervously.

  “Not really. Do you?”

  She smiled. “I’d rather ring the new year in out here.”

  I reached out and took her hand in mine, squeezing it tight. In that moment, I was Lizzie Carter, not Elizabeth Markley. Katie stared at my hand, conflicting emotions crossing her face. The countdown began inside and we waited, standing hand-in-hand on Nate’s balcony, eyes fixed on each other. The world around us faded and I closed my eyes as I tried to ignore Katie’s arm snake around my waist, pulling me close.

  10…9…8…

  I put my arms around her shoulders and rested my forehead against hers.

  7…6…5…4…

  She cupped my cheek in the palm of her hand and drew a shaky breath.

  3…2…1…

  Her lips collided with mine and I met her desire with no hesitation. Inside, the guests went wild, shouting, “Happy New Year,” at the tops of their lungs while Katie and I remained locked in an embrace.

  She brought my lips to hers and kissed me, softly at first. My own desire quickly overcame her tentative motions. The kiss deepened and my breath came quick and heavy. I wrapped my hands behind her head and slipped my tongue between her teeth. She groaned and followed my lead, biting my lip and pulling. That one act sent shivers down my spine and she released me, face flush and eyes glistening. Her warm breath lingered on my cheek.

  “Lizzie.” She whispered my name and it sent a shockwave of desire through my core. “Shit.”

  She was looking over my shoulder at a very confused Nate.

  “Sorry to interrupt,” he said, cheeks bright red with embarrassment. He quickly closed the door and went back to the party.

  Katie wrenched herself away from my arms. She was angry, but more than that, she was upset with herself and it showed in the way she curled her fists.

  She looked at me, sad, embarrassed, and angry with herself. “I’m sorry. I didn�
�t mean for this to happen.”

  “I know.”

  “How are you so calm right now?”

  “Because it’s you.” The alcohol I’d had that night had caught up with me and it made me uncharacteristically calm. “Because when I’m with you…” I hunted for the right words.

  Katie shook her head and closed her eyes. “I need to go,” she said firmly.

  I reached for her arm. "Katie," I started, but said nothing more when she silenced me with a look. She opened the door and left. I felt utterly alone, completely bereft without her. And I hated it.

  My heart was racing, just as it had been the whole night, but now it was for a different reason entirely. I was still in love with Katie and I knew it without a doubt. Nate gave me five minutes of self-reflection before joining me on the balcony.

  “What did I just witness?” he asked, leaning his back against the railing beside me.

  One deep breath after another filled my lungs. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t put it into words. There was just a jumble of emotions boiling up inside of me that I’d done my best to suppress for the last five years.

  “I’m not really sure,” I replied. It was the truth.

  He tilted his head, studying me intently. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

  “No.” It was all I could get out before my throat tightened and the tears I’d been holding back for the better part of the night came pouring out.

  He sighed and pulled me into a hug. “This was not how you planned on starting your new year, was it?”

  His comment elicited a laugh, which was enough to end the somewhat awkward embrace. I stared up into his deep brown eyes and sighed.

  “If you don’t mind, I’m going to call it a night.”

  Nate smiled sympathetically. “I don’t blame you. Just do me a favor?”

  “Sure.”

  “Take Steph with you. She’s about to make a fool of herself if we don’t get her out of here.”

  I glanced through the window and saw our pink-haired friend dancing on top of Nate’s dining table. Judging from the concerned looks on some of our coworkers’ faces, she was well past her limit.

  “Deal.”

  ◆◆◆

  The Uber car dropped me off en-route to Stephanie’s apartment and I practically sprinted up to my unit. I wanted to hide under my covers for the next few months until I could figure out what that kiss meant. And where I wanted to go from there.

  I took the stairs two at a time and slipped into my apartment with a heavy sigh. My coat slid from my shoulders and landed in a pile by the door along with my shoes, keys, cell phone, and my dignity. There was no one here to pretend for, so I let it all go. Finally, I found the motivation to crawl into bed and buried my face beneath the down comforter.

  I didn't sleep that night. All I could think about was that kiss, how Katie had tasted and felt against me. She was my weakness. It was as though the past had finally caught up with my present—like all those feelings, that tension, had resurfaced. But now I was torn between the two worlds. And while I felt guilty for betraying David, on some level, I mostly felt awake, like everything I'd been suppressing had finally been released and I could now see clearly for the first time since Katie had closed the door of our little apartment that final time.

  Katie knew everything about me: my faults, my strengths, even my quirks. Being separated from her now that she was back in my life ate at my heart. David took everything at face value, never pressing for more depth or details. With Katie, there was always something new to learn, some bit of a person she could analyze to better understand them. She understood me like no one else and her refusal to indulge me in my lust left me feeling empty. Particularly since she'd initiated the kiss first.

  Giving up the tossing and turning, I grabbed the brown paper wrapped frame and pulled it up on the bed, wanting to know what it was that caught my husband's eye years ago. The paper was snug against the frame and took me ten minutes to unwrap. I tossed the paper away and stared at the image behind the museum quality glass.

  The image was black and white, full of light and shadow. Knowing what I did about Katie's preferred method of photo development, I knew this piece required hours of careful burning in the darkroom. She caught details in the lighting that most photographers missed completely, choosing to focus on the bigger theme. Katie always showed extensive care in her images and this one was no different.

  I studied the bridge, tracing its familiar metalwork with my eyes before realizing that the person on the other side of the bridge was me—a college-aged me, but still. It was one of the many times I didn't realize she was shooting. She was so unobtrusive with her work, it was easy to forget she was there. I hadn't seen this particular picture before, so it had to have been developed after she left Northampton. I wondered what she was thinking when she developed it. Was her heart breaking as she worked or was she angry? Looking at my shadowed form, I allowed myself to cry.

  ◆◆◆

  The next day, I walked into work, heart heavy and conscience guilt-ridden. I had no excuse for my behavior and, as much as I wanted to blame the alcohol and loneliness, my actions were my own. I'd made a bad decision and now I needed to explain that to Katie. I knew that leaving things as they were would just put our working relationship in jeopardy. And that was something I most definitely couldn’t afford, no matter how much I wanted to.

  Setting my bag down, I immediately headed for Katie's office, responding to the few early-morning hellos, but avoiding any significant conversation. That could wait...this couldn't. I was numb as I made the 20 foot journey to her office and knocked on the open door. She was working on some image, tweaking the lighting. My heart ached when I saw her gentle frown of concentration. She was the last person I wanted in my life, but it was like the universe kept throwing us together. It was inescapable, our connection. She told me to come in without taking her eyes off of the screen. I closed the door behind me, leaning against the door frame. As the latch clicked home, she turned, pushed her glasses to the top of her head, and gathered her composure.

  "We need to talk," I said, voice heavy with words left unspoken, emotions left unexplained.

  "Yeah, we do." She stood up and leaned on her desk, arms crossed over her chest like a shield. "What we did," she started, eyes never leaving her feet. Her voice was firm and full of conviction, “was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened."

  "Kat," I started, feeling the lump in my throat rising. My guilt was now doubled. I felt bad for David and Katie both.

  She looked at me, eyes cold and hard. Her mask was back in place and the woman I saw standing before me was no longer the person I knew. She was the brusque bitch half the office feared.

  "I'm just a photographer. You're just a writer. We don't know each other...not anymore." It was the same sentiment I expressed my first week working with her. It no longer felt true.

  I took a step forward, wanting her more now that she had placed herself off limits. She glared at me and I froze. All I could do was nod and turn towards the door. As my hand hit the doorknob, I turned and looked at her over my shoulder.

  "Why did you kiss me?" I needed to know. I couldn't explain why, but I desperately needed to know the answer.

  Katie sighed. "It doesn't matter."

  "Bullshit. Let's clear the air here since we'll still have to work with each other." Arms crossed, I turned and faced her. "I kissed you because it felt right. It felt like you wanted me to. Why did you kiss me back?" It wasn't the whole truth, but it was the gist and I admitted it readily. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I missed her.

  She rolled her eyes. "I was drunk." She said it like it was final, like there could be no other explanation.

  "Yeah, right. You have the tolerance of a fucking sailor. Try again," I snapped. She leaned against the desk, stood up, and glared, palms flattened on the plastic surface.

  She took a deep breath and stared me down. "I kissed you because some part of me still fucking m
isses you," she hissed. "My whole life since Northampton has been about forgetting how much you broke my heart. But last night... It was a mistake." Her eyes softened and I saw the sadness there for a brief second. "I was reaching for things that weren't there."

  It wasn’t that they weren’t there. It was that they couldn’t be. Did she know how I felt, I wondered absently.

  I stood in silence, unsure what to say next. She sighed and sat back down, clearly defeated and dejected.

  "Please, Lizzie. Just leave me alone," she begged. The sadness in her eyes mirrored my own. I knew how much she was hurting and while leaving was the last thing I wanted, she’d asked it of me. I opened the door and didn't look back.

  Chapter 10

  All that month, we worked together in near silence. I avoided her whenever I could and resorted to sending emails and text messages when I had a question. She didn’t want me to be in the same room with her and I understood. It was just too hard.

  The memories were hard to ignore. For the last five years, I'd successfully pushed them aside, pretended they weren't there at all, and tried to replace them with the life I'd built with David. Now I found myself standing between a rock and a hard place, unsure where I wanted to turn. But at night, when I pictured myself lying next to someone, wrapped in their arms, it was always Katie in my mind.

  My anniversary snuck up on me and though it fell on a Saturday, I had made plans to get more work done. I’d completely forgotten that David was set to visit—he’d wanted a romantic getaway and a chance to reconnect after so many months apart. By the time I’d remembered, it was too late. I’d made the interview arrangements and couldn’t cancel them. There was no one else I could pass the piece to. And, justifiably, he took the news poorly. He would be celebrating alone while I was too busy working. The vindictive part of me saw it as poetic justice. After all, he’d bailed on me more times than I could count!

  As I got myself ready for work that Friday afternoon, David finally lost his temper. He threw his duffel on the bed, tossing clothes in without folding them. He treated each shirt like an enemy, shoving it in with such force I wondered if the bag would rip. The air was thick with tension and the looks he sent my way were enough to make me want to scream. Not in agony, but in anger.