Before, There Was You

by Kit Harlow

  "Fuck!"

  My nerves were wound so tight, all I wanted to do was scream at something. I jumped down, and threw my sweaters into the bedroom. Each one landed with a thump as I took my anger out on the inanimate objects, throwing them as hard as I could. By the time I reached the scattered photos, I was out of breath and crying. I knelt to pick them up, showing more care with the old prints and Polaroids. They were pictures of me and the rugby team, smiling and laughing because life was beautiful.

  I stared at the woman I was and felt like I'd betrayed her. I was nothing like that carefree, happy person. I carried a burden of my own design, and I hated myself for it. The me in the picture would despise the person I'd become. I knew it. I hesitantly went through each image, finally coming to rest on one of me and Katie.

  The tall ivy coated building was blurred behind us but the yellow and red leaves were clear; it was a beautifully crisp autumn day and I remembered it perfectly. Katie and I were studying on the lawn, not talking, but just existing. Our friends had joined us, and before I knew it, we'd fallen into a rough match of soccer. I'd sprained my ankle tripping over my own feet and instead of crying, I couldn't stop laughing. Someone had grabbed Katie's camera and snapped the shot when we weren't paying attention. We were laughing together. We were happy. There was love between us such that David and I never had.

  Looking at that picture, everything else around me seemed dull and gray. The only color in my life was on that paper. And I knew in that moment that what I wanted all those years ago hadn't changed. The farmhouse, the kids, someone to grow old with...I wanted it all, but I wanted it with Katie.

  I left the pile on the floor, abandoned my glass of wine, pulled on a pair of boots. My nerves sent adrenaline coursing through my body. I rushed out the door, sprinting the two miles to Katie's apartment. By the time I reached the building, my cheeks were red and I was out of breath, but I felt more sure of myself than ever.

  I headed straight for Katie’s apartment, pausing momentarily to wonder if I should call her. Our parting words had been confusing, and while the thought of talking to her through a phone speaker was appealing, it wouldn’t help things. My phone was cold in my hand as I stared up at the old brown brick building. What good would calling do, really? All it would mean was I wouldn’t have to speak with her face to face. But I was tired of lying and pushing her away. With a glance at the door, I hesitated. What if I was reading more into this than I should? What if she didn’t really feel the same for me?

  I shook my head and squared my shoulders. She’d all but admitted her feelings and I was tired of hiding in the shadows. It was now or never.

  Some kind soul had propped the door open with a brick, sparing me the stress of convincing her to buzz me in. The lobby was dark, but at well past midnight, I wasn’t surprised. Still, I took the steep stairs two at a time, racing to the fourth floor ahead of my nerves. By the time I’d made it to the fourth floor, I was out of breath, shaking with nerves, and doing my best not to second guess myself.

  Her door loomed ahead and I struggled to convince my lungs to calm down. The battered and scared wood in front of me beckoned, and I knocked four times, squaring my shoulders and pretending I felt more confident than I did.

  A few seconds later, Katie pulled the door open and stared at me, confused. She’d already changed into pajamas and the sight of her barely clad legs made my stomach twist in desire.

  “Liz?” she asked with concern.

  “Are you happy? I asked her the same question she’d asked me earlier that night.

  “Lizzie,” she warned, blocking the doorway, arms crossed over her chest.

  “Are you happy?” I asked again.

  She looked away. “You already know the answer to that.”

  “Look at me,” I demanded. She met my eyes, the first hint of tears visible in the dim light of the hallway. “I have spent the last five years missing you. Every day.”

  Her shoulders slumped. “I don’t want to hear this, Lizzie. I can’t. I need time. I need to think.”

  I rested my hand on the solid wood of the door, gently pushing it aside.

  “No you don’t,” I stated. Thinking would only make this impossible. She needed to act without thinking, just this once.

  My hand went to her cheek, gently brushing away the tears as they fell. Before I could talk myself out of it, I found my lips pressed against hers gently at first, then with more urgency as I felt her hand slip behind my neck, pulling me close. Her lips parted and my tongue brushed against hers, taking in her familiar taste hungrily. I pushed my way inside and kicked the door closed behind me.

  Katie pressed her hips into mine, hands hungrily traveling my back and stomach. I was alive for the first time in what felt like years. Her fingers slipped underneath the hem of my sweater, brushing against my bare skin. It was enough to drive me wild, but it also brought her back to reality. With a sharp gasp of agony, she shoved me away and glared at me.

  “We can’t do this. You’re married.”

  “I don’t care.” It was the truth. “You’re all that I want.”

  She scoffed and rolled her eyes in an attempt to disguise her emotions. Leaning against the wall in the entryway, we stared at each other and I struggled to put the words together.

  “I always imagined that you had moved to New York and gotten married…” I hesitated again as Katie locked eyes with me. “You were supposed to have moved on. Because if you moved on, I could, too.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m trying to tell you that I’m not over you.” I was being completely honest with her yet again. “I made a horrible mistake in letting you walk away. I wish I could do things differently. I wish I had gone with you and that we’d been together for the last five years. Kat, I love you. I’ve never stopped.”

  She closed her eyes and slumped her shoulders—I prayed those were the words she wanted to hear because I would give anything just to hold her again.

  Katie was silent, but I took the two steps over to her and gently lifted her chin. “Please forgive me for letting you walk away.”

  I bent to kiss her again and this time, we found our rhythm immediately. Katie’s cheeks were wet from the tears, but I did my best to help soothe that sadness.

  Our breath came quickly and I struggled against the heat that was building in my legs. She drove me wild and every touch was electric.

  We broke apart and I was caught again in her gaze.

  “You’re asking me to be your mistress?” she whispered bitterly.

  I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my short hair. “I’m not asking you to be anything. I’m asking you to forgive me. I’m asking you to let me love you.”

  She didn’t say a word. Her expression was conflicted, but her shoulders were relaxed. She gently grabbed my wrist and pulled me through the apartment and into her bedroom. My knees shook as I watched Katie lean against the edge of her bed, arms wrapped around her middle protectively.

  I swallowed my nerves and crossed the three feet to where she was. We stood face to face, mere inches apart as I studied her eyes, and the way they glistened wetly in the dim light.

  As though I had no control of my body, my hands cupped her face and pulled her lips to mine. I kissed her deep, our tongues darting in and out. She took my lip in her teeth and tugged. My knees went weak and I felt my breath catch in my chest. Katie pulled me against her and I studied her face, searching for some sign telling me to stop. There was none.

  Hungry for her touch, I slid my hands underneath her shirt, marveling at the feel of her skin beneath my palm. One tear slid down her cheek and I kissed it away as she pulled close. Our passions consumed us and old habits took over. I knew exactly where her buttons were, the strokes that would drive her mad with desire. I used my knowledge, reveling in her soft whimpers.

  Her skin felt right against mine, that familiar warmth of soft flesh as different from David's bulk as anything. I shoved all thoughts of him from my m
ind and devoted myself fully to the moment.

  My hands found her waistband and I gently ran my fingers across the soft skin of her hips. Her shoulders tensed as I played with the edge of her underwear, teasing and taunting in a way that would drive her desire. I knew what I wanted, but I needed her to ask. Cautiously, I slid my fingers up her spine beneath the loose night shirt. She gasped as my touch traveled around her ribs just beneath her breast. My heart raced as I stroked the soft flesh beneath my palm.

  “Liz,” she whispered. I brought my eyes to hers and studied the familiar deep green hazel. “Are you sure?” she continued.

  I smiled. “Yes. Are you?”

  I bent to kiss her, taking her bottom lip in my teeth. Her back arched and her breath came fast. I slipped my tongue past her lips and explored the once-familiar territory.

  By the time I pulled away, tears were falling down her cheeks.

  “I want you,” she whispered.

  I slipped her shirt off and quickly slid the threadbare pajama pants down her legs. For a brief moment, my conscience warred with my desires, but I pushed it away and guided her to the bed.

  She was just as beautiful as I remembered and I let my hands wander over her skin, watching as the desire built up in her eyes. I’d missed this more than she could ever know.

  My lips found her collar bone and traveled down the gentle curve of her breast, mouth pausing on her already hard nipples. She moaned softly and pushed down on my shoulders.

  “Lizzie,” she groaned.

  I smiled and pulled her closer to me, teasing the folds between her legs open with gentle caresses. Her body shuddered against me. I knew what she wanted. I wouldn’t give it to her just yet. I let my eyes travel over the gentle curve of her hips and breasts before studying her face in the dark. My lips found hers and she sighed into the kiss. I pulled away and let my lips wander down the edge of her jaw to her neck where I nipped her gently. She inhaled sharply and entangled her fingers in my hair, pulling me back.

  She was as desperate as I was. My hair was pulled taught, exposing my neck to her kiss. It was like being struck by lightning. Every caress of her lips and press of her tongue sent a new wave of desire throughout my core. Her lips moved up to the curve of my jaw, pausing teasingly at my earlobe. Her warm breath stirred my desire further and I redoubled my efforts, capturing her lips with mine and regaining the upper hand. She reached for me, trying to shift her hands to cup my center.

  I grabbed her wrist and held it above her head. “Not tonight,” I insisted. “Tonight is all for you,” I said gruffly.

  Cautiously, as though it was the first time, I ran my fingers down the inside of her thigh, watching for the subtle changes in breathing that told me everything I needed to know. She writhed under my touch, pulse slamming against her neck. Gently, I pushed her down on the sheets and kissed the length of her body. She moaned softly, making me wet and only increasing my desire for her. I planted a kiss on her hip and slid further down, burying myself in her.

  Katie gasped as my tongue found her clit and teased it gently, tracing circles around it.

  “Oh god,” she moaned.

  I grinned and continued my gentle strokes, fingers traveling up her thighs and deeper into the soft secret part of herself. She clutched at the sheets and her hips bucked beneath me as I slipped a finger inside her.

  I felt her muscles tighten around me as I gently slid my hand along her wetness. Her gasps grew closer together. I moved faster and faster until her back arched off the mattress. My tongue flicked against her clit in gentle circles that made her cry out in pleasure. She was close and I wanted to make this last as long as possible. I slowed my pace as she moved her hips against my hand with urgency.

  Finally, I plunged two fingers inside, curling against her and gently blew hot breath against her sensitive nub. The orgasm came quickly and she called out my name as she rode the waves of her euphoria. When she collapsed back on the bed, I pulled myself up to face her.

  Tears streamed down her cheeks as she met my eyes with both agony and relief. Without hesitating, I kissed her lightly on the lips and smiled.

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  She bit back a sob and I pulled her close, holding her as she finally removed the mask she’d worn for so many years.

  “I have always loved you,” I said, knowing she felt the same and knowing that no response was needed.

  She clung to me tightly and didn’t let go. We fell asleep in a tangle of sheets and legs, clutching each other with a desperation born of years of regret.

  We spent the night in each other’s arms and for the first time in months, I felt myself truly relax. She rested her head on my chest and I held her tightly, unwilling to let go. My fingers gently traced the smooth line of her back as I lay staring at the ceiling, joy and fear forcing silent tears from my eyes. It was the happiest I’d been in five years and I was terrified I would lose it all. But Katie’s soft and steady breaths eventually lulled me to sleep and eased my concerns simply by being close to her.

  Chapter 13

  The next morning, I woke to my face buried in a pillow that was distinctly not mine. I shoved my hair out of my eyes and blinked as the morning light brought the room to life.

  The strange, yet familiar, surroundings were comforting. A smile spread to my lips and I rolled over to stare at the woman next to me. She was still sleeping, but the happy look on her face told me she would regret nothing once she woke. I stared at her, committing every line of her body to memory once again.

  She smiled and stretched. “I know you’re staring,” she said softly.

  I grinned. “I can’t help it. I’ve missed waking up next to you.”

  Her eyes opened and I leaned in to kiss her.

  “Good morning,” she whispered.

  “Morning.” I couldn’t wipe the grin from my face.

  “It’s your turn to make coffee,” she said with a wink.

  “Oh, really?” I said in mock disbelief.

  She nodded. “My house, my rules,” she giggled.

  I laughed, kissed her on the nose, and headed to the kitchen.

  It was laid out the same as mine—we’d perfected the layout when we were in college and both of us had kept it ever since. As I opened the cabinet over the stove to grab the coffee and Chemex, I stifled a squeal of joy. She’d bought whole bean coffee. From my favorite roaster.

  Her footsteps creaked over the aging floorboards and I felt her arms around my waist.

  “You upgraded from Starbucks?”

  She giggled. “I matured.”

  I reached for the bag and set it down on the counter, studying the familiar red and purple package with a smile. “You never used to like them,” I mused.

  “I got hooked on it in New York,” she said sadly. “It made me feel closer to you.”

  I spun in her arms and gently brushed a tear from my cheek. Our emotions were running high and likely would be for a while, at least until we figured out precisely what we were doing and what we wanted from this.

  She looked away, embarrassed. “I was half afraid I dreamt last night up.”

  “So was I.”

  Katie blinked at me and rested her forehead against my shoulder. This was the woman I remembered, not the callous bitch everyone at work knew so well. I wondered what they’d think once they got to know the real Kate Masterson.

  I kissed the top of her head and smiled. “I love you,” I said earnestly.

  Her shoulders stiffened and I felt them start to shake. She was crying for the first time in God knew how long.

  My arms tightened around her and I held her as she sobbed into my shoulder.

  There were no words I could say to make up for the last few years or for letting her walk out of our apartment without me. But I could be there for her to take some of the edge off—to make her feel less alone. Gradually, she quieted and I gently pushed her back.

  She smiled bashfully. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” I s
aid brightly. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Kat. Besides, I’ve already bawled my eyes out in front of you this week. It’s only fair,” I said with a giggle. I turned and proceeded to make us coffee, feeling like myself for the first time in a long time.

  The rest of the morning passed uneventfully as we got ready for work together, our playful banter picking up right where we left off. It was so easy to slide back into the comfortable routine we’d shared so long ago. Katie was right. It was like stepping back in the past. And I was on cloud nine until I realized I was wearing the same shirt I wore the day before.

  “The office is going to know,” I said, mortified as I studied my reflection in the decorative mirror hanging in the living room.

  Katie raised an eyebrow. “Do you really care what they think?”

  I thought about it. I didn’t—not really. “No,” I said honestly. I politely refused her offer of borrowing a t-shirt…they weren’t my style and it would make everything far more obvious.

  The bundle of nerves at the pit of my stomach was still there as we headed down the stairs and out to her waiting car, though I couldn’t tell you why I was feeling so anxious. I wasn’t afraid of judgment from our coworkers, but something still gnawed at me.

  She unlocked the door and I slipped into the seat, staring at my hands. Each breath I took only made me more nervous.

  “Hey,” Katie said firmly. I turned to look at her. “If you need us to keep this a secret,” she said sadly, “I understand.”

  I shook my head. “It’s not that. It’s just…” I searched for the words. “It doesn’t feel real. I’ve been imagining this day ever since I you left.”

  Katie smiled softly and leaned over to kiss me. “Me too,” she said softly. Her fingers brushed against my arm lightly. She knew I was nervous—she could see it in my eyes. But she would have known even if I wasn’t sitting next to her. That’s just what she did. “What are you really worried about?” she asked gently.