4. Agree to seek an explanation before passing judgment. Remember that your first impression is only tentative; at times it will be faulty. It is easy to misinterpret the words and actions of one’s spouse, so seek your mate’s perspective. He or she may supply valuable missing information that could change your understanding of the issue.
5. Agree to seek a resolution. With more information from your spouse and the fuller perspective, you are ready to find a solution satisfactory to both of you. Resolving the angry feelings may require that you seek the person’s confession and repentance—if the wrongdoing is valid and definitive—or recognize your anger as invalid and perhaps selfish—if the anger is distorted. It may even require confession and asking of forgiveness on your part, if the wrongdoing is by you. Whatever the cause, work toward a reconciliation between the two of you.
6. Agree to affirm your love for each other. After the anger is resolved, verbally declare your love for each other.
These six principles for dealing with anger toward your spouse are so important that I have summarized them as a “Quick Take” (next page). Again, keep in mind that most of these six steps should be in place before anger appears, so that when it occurs, you have a plan to help direct the discussion. With these six “anger agreements” between husband and wife, you can have an effective strategy for resolving anger in marriage.
QUICK TAKES
ANGER AGREEMENTS IN MARRIAGE
1. Acknowledge the reality of your anger, remembering that anger itself is not sinful.
2. Agree to acknowledge anger to each other. Do not make your mate “guess” about how you’re feeling.
3. Agree that verbal or physical explosions against the other person are not appropriate reactions to anger—they will always make things worse.
4. Agree to seek an explanation before jumping to conclusions. The person may supply valuable missing information that could change your understanding of the issue.
5. Agree to seek resolution and reconciliation. With more information from your spouse and the fuller perspective, you are ready to find a solution satisfactory to both of you.
6. Agree to affirm your love for each other. After the resolution is found, verbally declare your love for each other.
Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry and sin not.
LYMAN ABBOTT
HELPING CHILDREN HANDLE ANGER
Michelle, a single mom, is trying to prepare Sunday lunch. Meanwhile, six-year-old Ella and eight-year-old Will are playing in the den. At least Michelle thought they were playing—but suddenly it sounds more like warfare than play. As Michelle walks into the den, she sees Will hit his sister across the back with a stuffed bear. Ella begins to cry.
“She stole my book,” Will says.
“I did not!”
Michelle grabs Will by the arm, plants a solid blow to his backside, and says, “Go to your room and don’t come out till I call you.” Then she turns to Ella and says, “How many times have I told you not to mess with your brother’s things?”
“I didn’t,” Ella protests. “I was just trying to get on the couch to watch TV and he hit me.”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Michelle says. “I can’t even get lunch ready without you two fighting. You go to your room, and I’ll call you when lunch is ready.”
“You always blame me!” Ella says as she runs to her room.
In the kitchen, Michelle hears Ella’s door slam and sighs. She knows she could have handled the episode better—but how?
Few parental responsibilities are more important than teaching your children how to handle anger constructively. However, many parents feel ill-equipped in this area. When we observe our children handling anger inappropriately, we often panic and respond negatively ourselves, thus missing an opportunity to train our children. Having been such a panic-stricken parent, I write this chapter with great empathy for parents who are still struggling with this responsibility.
The reality is all children will experience anger. We don’t have to teach children to experience anger. Our task is to teach them how to manage their anger. Because of the nature of the parent-child relationship, parents are the most influential persons in developing a child’s pattern of anger management. This should encourage us, because it gives us an opportunity to give our children positive anger management skills. On the other hand, this can be a frightening reality, because if we fail in this area, our children will be disadvantaged as they move into adulthood.
As I talk to parents across the country, most are eager to learn how to help their children in this important area of development. Let me share with you the principles I have shared with many parents in the counseling room and in parenting workshops. They are simple to understand but not necessarily easy to do. Putting these principles into practice will require not only your best attention, but also the aid of the Holy Spirit. The good news is that when we are seeking to follow biblical principles, the Spirit’s help is readily available.
LOVE COMES FIRST
Let me begin with what I believe to be foundational: Focus on meeting your child’s need for emotional love. Why am I bringing up the subject of love when we are talking about anger? Because love is the foundation for healthy parent-child relationships. If the child does not feel loved by the parent, not only will the child experience greater anger, but all efforts on the part of the parent to teach the child are likely to be rejected. In The 5 Love Languages of Children, which I coauthored with psychiatrist Ross Campbell, I emphasize the importance of meeting the child’s need for love. If the child’s emotional love tank is not filled with parental love, the empty tank will itself become a source of anger. Something deep within the heart of each child is constantly saying, Parents are supposed to love children. If the child does not feel that love, there is a sense of being treated unfairly, and this gives rise to anger.
The five love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch—need to be spoken to children regularly. Every child has one primary love language that clearly communicates love to her. As parents, we can love our children most effectively by discovering their primary love language and speaking it even more frequently than the other four.
Such expressions of love must be unconditional. Without realizing it, many parents give love only when their children are in a pleasant mood or doing what the parents desire. These parents think that if they withhold expressions of love, their children will do what they desire. This almost never happens. When it does, the child is almost always rebelling inside.
Parents need not be pleased with the child’s behavior in order to give the child a hug, a pat on the back, or an affirming arm on the shoulder. Parents can say, “You played a great game last night,” even though the child’s room may be a disaster area. A dad can take his son out to breakfast for quality time even when the son broke the rule and vase by bouncing the basketball in the den. A mother can give her daughter a new dress as a gift even though the daughter did not complete her homework.
“But won’t this cause my children to be irresponsible?” many parents ask. The answer is, “Such love teaches responsibility.” When the child senses that you love her and that love is not based on her behavior, she is far more likely to be responsive to your requests or your commands, and to do so without rebellion. When you love your children unconditionally and keep the love tank full, you have removed one of the prime sources of childhood and adolescent anger.1
The message our children need to hear and feel is, “I love you no matter what you do. I don’t always like what you do or agree with what you do, but I will always love you.” Children who feel the security of parental love are much more likely to make wise choices in life; and when they do make poor choices, they are far more likely to learn from their mistakes and to correct future behavior. Nothing is more fundamental in teaching a child to handle anger than giving the child unconditional love.
A child’s
need for love is continuous. Love is like food; it cannot be stored up—it needs to be expressed daily. We do not fill our children’s love tank and then take a vacation. The love tank empties quickly, as does the stomach. The wise parent will discover the child’s primary love language and give heavy doses daily, sprinkling in the other four regularly.
With this foundation laid, I believe there are three primary methods whereby we teach our children how to handle their anger positively.
“WE’VE ALWAYS SCREAMED AT EACH OTHER”
Scott and Dee are parents of Matt, age fourteen, and Missy, age eighteen. They are sitting in my office on a beautiful fall afternoon. The white clouds are floating through the blue Carolina sky, and the brilliant yellow leaves outside my window are dancing in the breeze. However, Scott and Dee are not looking at the clouds or the leaves; their eyes focus on my gray carpet. Scott begins their story.
“We feel like a failure with our son. Our daughter never caused us any problems, but we’ve always had struggles with our son. The main problem is his anger. This year has been the worst. Maybe it’s because he is a teenager now.”
“It’s like he doesn’t respect us,” Dee adds. “He screams at me all the time; everything I do is wrong. And now he’s started screaming at his father. We have got to have help.”
With that information, I began a dialogue with the parents. “How do you typically respond to Matt’s yelling and screaming?” I asked Scott.
“Well, usually I’m calm, and I try to listen to him and reason with him. But after a while, he becomes so illogical that I lose my cool and end up yelling at him. I know that’s not right, but it’s like I don’t know what else to do.”
“And how do you respond?” I asked Dee.
“We’ve always screamed at each other,” she said. “I don’t think he should be allowed to talk to us that way. I scream at Matt, and when he leaves, I scream at Scott. I tell him that he shouldn’t let Matt talk to us that way. I’m a wreck. Maybe I’m the one who needs help.”
Dee’s openness so early in our conversation surprised me. I could tell that she was desperate. She wasn’t playing games. She sincerely wanted help.
“I’m glad you have come today. I believe the first step is always reaching out for help. I want to assure you that a lot of other couples have struggled with similar situations, and I believe that there are answers. But I want to begin by asking you a few questions that may seem to be unrelated, but I think will help us get a perspective on things. Okay?”
They agreed, and I began by asking Scott to recall his childhood and tell me how his parents handled anger in their relationship.
“My father was the angry one,” he said. “I don’t mean he was angry all the time. He was basically a good man, but once in a while he would lose his temper and yell at Mom or me,” he said.
“And how did you and your mom respond to his yelling?”
“We both clammed up,” he said. “When Dad started yelling, we knew there was no need to respond. I think Mom had learned that it would simply escalate matters. So if he got loud, she got silent, and that’s basically what I did. Dad would sputter on for a while and then walk out of the room. And the next day, he acted like nothing had ever happened. It was never brought up again. Fortunately, this didn’t happen too often, so most of my childhood was rather calm and good.”
“What about your home, Dee? How did your parents handle anger?”
She smiled and said, “I grew up in an Italian home. We were always loud. Everybody screamed at everybody, but when it was over, it was over. Nobody carried a grudge; everybody had their say and it was finished.”
“I want to make an observation,” I said. “Scott, I think I remember you saying that typically in your response to Matt, you tend to be quiet, but after a while you lose your temper and yell back at him. Is that correct?” Scott nodded. “So you respond to Matt’s yelling in the same way you and your mother responded to your father’s yelling? Is that correct?”
“Yes, except that eventually I start yelling at Matt. I never did that with my father.”
“And, Dee, if I heard you correctly, you said that you and Matt have always screamed at each other, which is pretty much like it was in your childhood home.”
“Yes, except that Matt never stops. It’s never over with Matt.”
“The reason I ask these questions,” I said, “is because most of us learn how to manage anger by observing our parents handle anger. And typically, we identify with the parent whose personality is most like ours. I haven’t asked this, Scott, but I’m guessing that your personality is more like your mother than your father; is that correct?”
“Definitely,” he said.
“So your most basic response to anger is to be silent. It’s only after you are pushed to the limit that you explode and become like your father. Your parents had two very different ways of handling anger. Your mother withdrew in silence, and your father yelled and screamed. So you had two models. You identified most closely with your mother, but on occasion, you responded like your father.
“Dee, apparently in your house your mother and father yelled at each other when angry. That was their way of processing their anger. So as an adult, that is the method you typically follow. The difference in your marriage, of course, is that most of the time, Scott does not yell back; he becomes silent, and so you have your say while he sits in silence.”
“Yes, and that makes me even madder,” Dee said. “I wish he would yell back at me.”
“And yet, if I understood you correctly, you don’t want Matt to yell at you.”
“Matt is different,” she said. “He’s our child; he’s not my husband. Children shouldn’t yell at parents.”
“Did you yell at your parents?” I asked. Dee was silent for a moment and then said, “Yes, I guess I did.”
Dee and Scott are illustrating the profound effect of the parental model. They learned certain responses from their parents—now they’re modeling “anger management” to their son.
Many parents can identify with Dee and Scott. Often adults do not consciously think of their own anger management until they observe their children’s response to anger. Many times, children mirror what they have learned from parents. Typically, as in the case of Matt, children respond to anger much the same way as the parent whose personality is most like their own. Since Matt was a child, when Dee was angry with his behavior, she had expressed her anger in loud tirades toward him. Matt now expresses his anger in a similar way.
Fortunately, adults can learn to change destructive patterns and establish new and healthier models of processing anger. Through several sessions, I worked with Dee and Scott, helping them understand the ideas we have shared in this book and watching them learn how to share their anger with each other in an open, loving, non-condemning manner. On occasion, Matt observed them talking and listening to each other as they discussed the issues that aroused their anger. He told me later, “I knew something strange was going on, but I didn’t know what. I had never heard them talk that openly to each other without screaming.”
Later on, Dee and Scott told Matt about what had happened: They had realized that their model of handling anger was not very positive and had decided to go for counseling; they were learning new ways to respond to their own anger. Matt seemed pleased, although he didn’t say much at the time. However, they knew he was getting the message when one night as Dee was getting a bit tense, Matt said, “Mom, I think you need to get the three-by-five card and read it to Dad.” Dee said, “I think you’re right, Matt. Thanks.”
They were really shocked one night about two months later when Matt walked into the room holding the three-by-five card and said, “I’m feeling angry right now, but don’t worry—I’m not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is this a good time to talk?” They both broke into laughter. Matt said, “No, guys, I’m really serious. I’m angry and I need to talk with you about it.” They gave Matt their undivided attention—and let him
talk.
TEACHING YOUR KIDS HOW TO BE ANGRY
Parents can also actively guide children through their own anger episodes. The parent recognizes that children cannot be expected to handle anger in a mature manner until they have been taught. Just as a child must be taught how to tie her shoes, write complete sentences, and ride a bicycle, so a child must be taught how to handle anger.
A child has only two ways to express anger: verbally and behaviorally. Each of these can be positive or negative. Behaviorally, a child may express anger by pushing, shoving, striking, throwing objects, pulling hair, or beating his own head against the wall. Obviously, these are negative behavioral responses to anger. On the other hand, leaving the room, counting to 100 aloud, or taking a walk outside are mature behavioral responses to anger that allow the child to cool down and process anger in a constructive manner.
On the verbal side, the child may yell and scream condemning statements or may use profanity or name-calling—all very destructive ways of verbalizing anger. On the other hand, the extremely mature child may acknowledge to the parent that she is angry and ask for an opportunity to discuss her complete concerns. That is a very positive way of verbally expressing anger. The task of the parent is to take the child where he is and help him move toward more constructive ways of processing anger.
Some parents have difficulty accepting a child’s limits and imperfections in managing his anger. They want the child to be mature in his expressions of anger and are unwilling to allow the stages of immaturity. The parent who says, “Shut up. You’re not going to talk to me that way. Don’t ever raise your voice at me again. Do you understand?” is expecting perfection from the child. This is unrealistic. In fact, the parent is expecting of the child a level of maturity that the parent has not attained. As one young man said to me, “My parents yell and scream at me, telling me not to yell and scream at them.”
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