If your child is screaming at you in anger, listen! Calmly ask questions and let the anger be expressed. The more questions you ask and the more intently you listen, the more likely his volume will decrease. Concentrate on the reason your child is angry, not on the way he is expressing it. Seek to understand what he thinks is unfair or wrong. You may not agree with his perception, but the purpose is to hear him out. If he thinks he was wronged, the anger will not go away until he feels that you have heard and understood his complaint. You are the parent, and you have the final word on what will be done, but your child needs to know that you think his feelings and ideas are important. Don’t let the child’s method of delivering his message keep you from getting the message.
After you have had a “listening session” with an angry child, later that night or the next day you might say, “I really appreciate your sharing with me your anger about that situation. We may not always agree, but I want you to know that I always want to understand how you feel. I’m not a perfect parent, and sometimes I don’t make the best decision. But I really want to do what is best for you. I hope that we can both learn how to express our feelings more calmly, but however they are expressed, I always want to hear how you feel and think.”
If your pattern has been one of arguing with your child, perhaps you can break the pattern by saying, “I’ve been thinking about us, and I have realized that I am not a very good listener. Usually when you are feeling strongly about something, I also end up getting heated. I really want to be a better listener. In the future, I am going to try to ask more questions and really seek to understand your feelings, because I really do value your ideas and your feelings.”
As parents become better listeners, their children feel more understood. The child still may not agree with your final decision, but your son will respect you because you have treated him as a person. If you listen and ask questions calmly, in time your daughter will learn to process her anger in a more conversational tone, and your shouting matches will be a thing of the past.
If your child is using some of the negative behavioral responses to anger, such as pushing, shoving, and throwing objects, focus on the anger first and the behavior second. You might say, “It’s obvious that you are very angry. I would like to hear what’s bothering you, but we can’t talk while you are _________. Would you like for us to take a walk and talk about it?” What you are doing with such an approach is acknowledging the importance of the child’s anger and expressing a desire to discuss the issues that concern him while acknowledging in a kind but firm way that you cannot talk until the destructive behavior ends.
Many times the parent’s anger is stirred by the child’s behavior, and the parent responds to the child in an equally destructive manner. Eventually, both feel bad about their behavior, but nothing is done to resolve the issue that originally stimulated the child’s anger. Obviously, the parent and the child have a great deal to learn about anger management. I do not intend to convey that what I am suggesting is easy to do. Parents who have never learned to control their own anger may find it hard to imagine taking the approach I am suggesting. But consider this:
• The child by virtue of being a child is immature. She is still in process. Thus, her anger management is not yet mature.
• Parents are older and at least have had time to be more mature. If we have not developed a mature response to anger, let’s at least admit that it is our problem and not our child’s problem.
When we parents learn to handle our own anger in a healthier manner, we will then be in a position to guide our children in processing their anger. Children desperately need our parental guidance.
If parents do not hear the child’s complaints and seek to understand why the child feels that way, the child’s anger will be internalized and later show up in the child’s behavior. Psychologists call this passive-aggressive behavior. The child is passive on the outside, but inside the anger is growing and will eventually express itself in aggressive behavior, such as low grades, drug experimentation, sexual activity, “forgetting” to do homework, or some other behavior that the child knows will upset the parent. If parents understood the extreme danger of passive-aggressive behavior, they would make every effort to listen to their children when they are angry, to hear the issues carefully, to seek to understand, and to find a resolution.
This does not mean that the parent must always do what the child is requesting. The child’s anger is often distorted, that is, rooted in a perceived wrong rather than a definitive wrong. An explanation from the parent may bring resolution. The important thing is that the child feels that you are genuinely concerned and that your action reflects your genuine love for him.
Each anger experience gives the parent an opportunity to guide the child through the angry episode, deal with the issues, and find a resolution. Each time this is done, the child becomes a bit more mature in verbalizing her anger. There is less need for yelling and screaming because the parents are listening intently, and the child is assured that she is being heard. Such parental guidance is an extremely effective way of teaching children to handle anger responsibly.
“LET ME TELL YOU …”
Most parents want to start with giving instructions. “Let me tell you some things you need to know,” they may begin. Without question, most parents know a great deal that their children need to learn, and instruction can be an effective method of communicating. Give instruction. But be sure the foundation of love has been set; such unconditional love provides part of a rich soil for growing a child’s heart. If the heart of the child has not been cultivated by unconditional love, positive modeling, and loving guidance on the part of parents, the seed of instruction is not likely to grow. However, if these are in place and the child’s heart has been cultivated, then instruction is an excellent method of teaching a child how to handle anger.
There are many methods and places for parents to give verbal instruction to children about matters related to anger. Depending on the age of the child, the following are effective ways of helping a child understand and process anger effectively.
For the young child, reading and discussing Bible stories that focus on anger provides an interesting format for instruction. Such stories as Cain and Abel, Joseph and his eleven brothers, Jonah and his anger toward God, and Jesus and His anger toward the money changers all provide key insights into understanding anger. Reading the wisdom found in the book of Proverbs provides excellent instruction in how to handle anger. Many of the proverbs relate specifically to anger management.
Memorizing key Scriptures is an excellent method of instruction for young children. Consider these verses, all from Proverbs: “Fools vent their anger, but the wise quietly hold it back.” “An angry person starts fights; a hot-tempered person commits all kinds of sins.” “Short-tempered people do foolish things.” “People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness” (29:11, 22; 14:17, 29). Printing these verses on cards and memorizing them with your children is planting seeds of wisdom in their minds and yours. Another great verse for your child to memorize is Ephesians 4:26–27 (NIV): “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
For older children, reading and discussing this book could be an excellent way of giving instruction on understanding and processing anger. Encouraging a child to write a research paper on the topic of anger is another way of instruction. Such research could involve not only reading books and perhaps searching the Internet, but also interviewing parents and grandparents for ideas on the source of anger and how to process anger constructively. This could be an exciting project for the teenager or older child.
Informal conversation is also an excellent way for a parent to instruct a child regarding managing his anger. For the older child, such an open conversation, allowing the child to ask questions and make comments, could be a springboard not only for discussing anger as a topic, but also for disc
ussing how the two of you have processed anger in the past and what positive changes might be made. In such a family conversation, parents might share with a child their own struggles with anger both as children and as a married couple. Such openness on the part of parents creates an atmosphere for the child or teenager to express his or her own struggles or to ask questions.
Such conversations can easily be initiated by sharing with the child something you read recently. For example, “I was reading an article the other day on anger. It said that many parents are not aware of how many times they lose their temper with their children and say things that actually hurt the children; the parent never remembers what he said. I was wondering if that could possibly be true of me.”
“Well, Mom, since you brought it up …”
When you make your anger the focus of the conversation rather than the child’s anger, you make it easier for the child to be responsive and reveal his perceptions of you and the way you handle anger. Such conversations can be extremely instructive to a child and may also bring insight to the parent.
In teaching our child, it’s important that we not come across as having the final answer to everything related to anger. The child knows better than that—she has been living with you for several years now. Far better to be honest that you realize that you are still in process, that you want to do better at managing your anger, and at the same time, you want to understand her concerns when she is angry. The child is usually willing to “cut the parents some slack” so long as the parent does not come across with a know-it-all attitude.
Children are usually willing to forgive us for failures in managing our own anger if we are willing to confess our failures. “Son, I’m sorry that I lost my temper this afternoon. I didn’t handle my anger very well, and the way I talked to you was not kind, and some of the things I said are not really the way I feel. I want you to know that I recognize that was wrong, and I have asked God to forgive me; and I want to ask you to forgive me.” Such an honest confession will go a long way toward creating respect in the heart of the child. Children already know that what we did was wrong. If we do not confess, their respect for us is diminished. When we confess, their respect is restored. In responsibly handling our failures, we are teaching children not only what is right and wrong about anger; we are also teaching them how to confess their failures when they don’t handle their own anger well.
A positive parental model, loving parental guidance, and instruction that does not condemn are in my opinion the most powerful approaches to teaching your children positive anger management.
QUICK TAKES
HELPING YOUR KIDS HANDLE ANGER
1. Model healthy behavior. Your kids are watching how you handle your anger—and will emulate it. Parents who display positive changes toward their own anger will soon see their children improve how they manage their personal anger.
2. Guide your child through her anger episodes: Listen to her, take her feelings seriously, but help her deal with the issues and find a resolution. As a parent, you have the final word on what will be done, but your child needs to feel that you think her feelings and ideas are important.
3. Give instruction rooted in unconditional love, positive modeling, and loving guidance.
“As for me, I would speak directly to the Almighty. I want to argue my case with God himself.”
JOB 13:3
WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY AT GOD
Diane was past the weeping stage when she sat in my office, but she was white-hot with anger. Jennifer, her eldest child and only daughter, had been killed three months earlier by a drunken driver. The shock, the hurt, and the unmitigated pain had seemed almost unbearable to Diane. Now as she came out of shock into the world of painful reality, she was grieving over her tragic loss, and her loss was compounded by her anger.
Anger and grief are often companions in such situations. Diane was angry at the drunken driver who killed her daughter. She was angry with the judicial system that had allowed him on the road again after three DUI (driving under the influence) convictions, and she was angry with her estranged husband who had bought Jennifer “that little car.” “She didn’t stand a chance in that little car,” Diane said. “It was a deathtrap.”
As I continued to listen as Diane shared her thoughts and feelings, I felt deep empathy. I also knew that Diane’s talking with me was a positive step in processing her grief and anger. Wanting to discover the focus of her anger and knowing that Diane was a deeply committed Christian, I asked, “What are your feelings toward God in all of this?”
“I hate to say this, but to be honest, I’m mad at God right now. I feel like He has deserted me. He could have spared Jennifer’s life. She was so young and talented. Why would God allow this? I don’t understand.”
Christians often experience anger toward God in the face of tragedy. It is often true that the stronger one’s Christian commitment, the more intense will be the person’s anger toward God. As Diane said later, “I’ve tried to live for God and be faithful. Why would He let this happen to me?”
Diane was experiencing what Job must have experienced, for he too was a righteous man. (See Job 1:8; 2:3.) When God allowed Job to lose his wealth, his family, and his health, this righteous man felt intense anger toward God. Job said, “God has turned me over to the ungodly and thrown me into the clutches of the wicked.” He lost his desire to live. “Only a few years will pass before I take the path of no return. My spirit is broken, my days are cut short, the grave awaits me. … My days have passed, my plans are shattered.” (Job 16:11, 22; 17:1, 11 NIV). Job did not understand any better than Diane why God would allow such tragedy into his life, and he was clearly angry with God.
HOW GOD FEELS TOWARD OUR ANGER
When we look at Job and other biblical examples of people who were angry with God, it is clear that God did not condemn such anger. Rather, He entered into conversation with these people and helped them work through their anger. However, this does not mean that He always gave a full explanation of why bad things happened to good people. The book of Job is a long discourse between Job and his “friends” and between Job and God. His friends essentially accused Job of having done wrong and claimed the tragedy was God’s judgment for his sin. Job insisted that this was not the case.
After listening sympathetically to Job’s expressions of anger toward God, God’s response was not one of condemnation. God reminded Job that His ways were not always understandable to men. He reminded Job that He is the all-powerful Creator and Sustainer of all that is, and that in the final analysis, He is a God of justice who can be trusted.1 In the end, God expressed His own anger toward Job’s friends for condemning him and urged them to repent of their wrongdoing and ask Job to pray for them. “My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer on your behalf. I will not treat you as you deserve” (Job 42:8).
Job’s ultimate response was to trust God even though he did not understand. Through this experience, Job’s relationship with God deepened. In his own words, “I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.” The Scriptures then record that “the LORD blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning” (Job 42:5, 12).
“WHY ISN’T GOD TAKING BETTER CARE OF HIS CHILDREN?”
Clearly, God is sympathetic with His people as they pass through grief and anger. He is fully willing to hear our expressions of anger and to listen as we pour out our pain. It is not sinful to feel angry toward God. It is human. We have a concern for righteousness, and whenever we encounter what we perceive to be unjust situations, we experience anger. Knowing that God is all-powerful and could have averted these events, our anger is often toward God. “Why did God not do something?” is a question hurting Christians often ask. Theologically, we know that God does no wrong, but emotionally we experience anger.
When I ponder this question, two alternatives come to mind, for clearly God can do something. One, God could eliminate all sinful people and thu
s wipe out all the pain caused by their sinful acts. This, however, would eliminate the entire human race, because the Bible says, “Everyone has sinned” (Romans 3:23). The second possibility would be for God to step in and miraculously avert the consequences of all evil. God could stop all bombs from exploding, stall all cars of drunken drivers, eliminate all germs and viruses, still all storms, exterminate all fires as soon as the spark ignites, evaporate all bullets, strike mute all who begin to speak a hurtful word, or bring temporary blindness upon all stalkers and all who look with lustful thoughts. While this may sound inviting, it removes human freedom and makes a person a robot that must do only good deeds. Apparently God values freedom, and freedom requires the option to disobey as well as to obey. There can be no freedom without the possibility of evil, and evil always has negative consequences.
In addition to the injustices caused by evil, Christians often struggle with the apparent personal inequities they endure. “Why did my sweet son die from cancer when so many bad people continue to live?” “Why does it seem like I have so many problems when my sister sails through life?” “Why isn’t God taking better care of His children?”
Such questions remind us that we have limited perspectives. While the Bible tells us something of God’s perspective, it does not reveal all of His plans. Peter tells us that the trials that bring us grief may be used to refine our faith. Paul says that God can bring good out of everything, and that through every experience He is seeking to make us more like Christ. James indicates that our difficulties lead to our maturity. Jesus says that sometimes our problems are designed so that people can see the work of God in our lives. (See 1 Peter 1:5–7; Romans 8:28–29; James 1:2–4; John 9:1–3.)
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