I Wish You All the Best

by Mason Deaver

  “No.” Hannah breathes. In through her nose and out through her mouth. “Thomas and I, we didn’t sleep that night. After I went and got Ben.”

  “Really?” I ask.

  “We weren’t sure why you’d been kicked out. Neither of us wanted to assume the worst, but for a little bit, we actually considered calling the police. We didn’t, obviously.” Hannah cracks a smile. “By the time the sun came up, we knew we had to help you, no matter what had happened.”

  “Hannah.” Dr. Taylor straightens in her seat, notepad and pen forgotten. “When you took Ben in, when you bought them clothes and necessities, when Thomas got them into a new school, what was your goal?”

  Hannah answers without hesitation. “Protecting them.”

  “Do you think a part of you was trying to make up for your absence?”

  This one’s less easy. Hannah’s mouth hangs open for a few seconds, her eyes unfocused. “I … maybe.”

  “Ben.” Dr. Taylor looks right at me, like her sharp eyes can see right through me. “Do you feel better? Now that you’ve told Hannah how you feel?”

  “Not really,” I say. There’s just a bigger void between us now, and I don’t know what could possibly fill it.

  “Do you wish you’d stayed quiet?”

  “No. I am glad I said something, but I don’t know.” This has all just been really confusing, and I’m not really sure what we were trying to accomplish here.

  “What do you want from Hannah now? What can she do to make you feel better?”

  “I don’t really know.” I don’t want anything else from her; she’s done so much for me. “She’s the only reason I’ve made it this far.”

  “There’s nothing that you can think of?”

  I look at Hannah, her red-rimmed eyes, her messy hair. I’m guessing I look about the same right now. There really is no mistaking us as anything other than siblings. We have so much of our parents in us, sometimes too much.

  But we can’t help it.

  “No.”

  “Can we talk, just for a second?” Hannah asks me when we’re back home.

  “Didn’t we just do that?” I say. I don’t want to be an asshole, but I just don’t have it in me right now.

  “I wanted to tell you something. Something I didn’t want Dr. Taylor to know.”

  Oh.

  Already my mind is racing with whatever it could be. Something so bad she wouldn’t even want to say it out loud to anyone but me?

  “Is that smart? Shouldn’t we do it with her?”

  “If I wanted her to know I would’ve told you both at the appointment.” Hannah’s voice is surprisingly short, but then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath and starts walking toward the kitchen. I follow her, the air between us feeling more poisonous with every step. “Sorry.”

  The entire ride back home, we didn’t speak to each other. It was weird, and I was starting to feel like this wasn’t something we’d be able to fix.

  “Sit down.” Hannah points to the chair at the table in the corner, the exact spot where I’d come out to her. “I haven’t told anyone this, except Thomas, and I only told him a few years ago, after we were married.”

  “Okay.”

  “I want to tell you about why I left the house.”

  “I thought it was just because Mom and Dad were so suffocating,” I say, even though I feel like right now isn’t my time to talk.

  “That was part of it, but there’s more.” She clasps her hands together.

  “Okay … What was it?”

  “So, about a month before I graduated, I was seeing this guy, and we decided to sleep together.”

  “You were dating someone?” I ask her.

  Hannah nods. “That’s a part of the story.”

  “Oh, sorry.” I had no idea, but that was probably on purpose.

  Hannah takes a long sigh, like she’s thinking of what to say next. “We were safe, used a condom and everything, but that doesn’t always work. A few weeks later when I was supposed to get my period, I didn’t.”

  Fuck.

  “You were …”

  “No, no.” Hannah shakes her head. “Just my cycle, it was weird. I think I was syncing up with some of the other girls in my class. That’s not the point.” She takes another breath. “I thought I might be pregnant though. So, I bought a few tests, did them, all negative.”

  I notice her hands are shaking.

  “I thought I threw them all away. I was so careful.” Hannah shakes her head, almost like she’s talking more to herself than she is to me. “But I guess I forgot one or maybe Mom was snooping in the trash but … she found out.”

  “Hannah …”

  “She freaked, obviously. I told her they were all negative. That’s when she figured out I was dating Mark, the boy I’d slept with. I asked her to keep the secret from Dad, because I knew he’d blow a fuse. And she told me she would.”

  Hannah swallows, and it feels like it takes forever for her to start talking again.

  “Except she didn’t. She told him at some point, and he exploded. Told me I was a disappointment, that he ‘didn’t raise a whore.’ That was the only time he ever hit me, and that was the night I decided that I couldn’t be there anymore, and I figured after graduation was as nice a time as any.”

  “Hannah, I didn’t—”

  “I know, you didn’t know. I didn’t tell you for a reason. But that was why I left. And it hurt me for so long to know that I was leaving you with them, Ben. Part of me hoped they’d get better, or maybe they’d go easier on you.” She lets out this pitiful little chuckle, if you can even call it that. “Maybe all this is my fault. Maybe I should’ve called child services, told them where you were. But I was only eighteen, I couldn’t take care of a kid. So, I thought you’d end up in the system. And if that happened … I knew I’d never see you again.” The tears fall quickly down her face. “I’m sorry, Ben, I’m so sorry.”

  “I …” I can’t move, and there are no words for what I’m feeling right now. This mix of helplessness, guilt, the betrayal, the bile rising in the back of my throat. I get up from my seat and I walk over to her, pulling my sister into the tightest hug I can manage. I don’t care if it’s hurting me, or her, I just want her to be close to me right now, and I never want to let go of her.

  “I’m sorry, Hannah. I’m so sorry.” I start sobbing, the room filled with nothing but the sound of us crying while we hold each other.

  “I’m sorry, Ben.” Her arms wrap around me. “I felt like it was my fault for so long, that I left you there with them. I should’ve done more.”

  “It’s not your fault,” I tell her. “It’s them … it’s no one’s fault but theirs.”

  We pull away from each other, and for a second it’s awkward silence, but then we start laughing when we see each other. Red, puffy faces. Hannah’s makeup has run a little.

  “Don’t laugh,” she says, walking over to the counter to grab some paper towels. “It’s not funny,” she says while trying to keep back another laugh.

  And I can’t stop myself from giggling. “It’s pretty funny.”

  But then we stop, and it’s awkward again. Hannah balls up the paper towel and eyes me, stepping a little closer. “I love you, kiddo. You’re the best sib a sister could ask for.”

  “I love you too.” We hug each other again, and there’s this feeling that sort of washes over me. Because it actually feels like things might be okay again.

  Maybe not right away, but they’ll get there.

  One day.

  School’s helping keep my mind busy, which isn’t really something I ever thought I’d be grateful for. It’s officially the start of exam season, and May is pretty much nonstop for seniors. The semesters at North Wake are shorter than Wayne’s, so instead of the school year ending in June, it ends in May. And the whole month is going to be spent getting our caps and gowns, rehearsing for graduation, signing yearbooks, preparing for senior night, and getting ready for prom.

&nbs
p; Which means that no one really has the time to care about what happened at the art show. Maybe they wouldn’t have cared anyway. There’s still the feeling that everyone is watching me, or laughing at me behind my back, but maybe that’s normal. And Meleika and Sophie haven’t really brought it up. Maybe Nathan talked to them. Or maybe they just know not to talk about it.

  Mrs. Liu hasn’t talked about it either, which might be what I’m most grateful for. She’s very good at acting like nothing’s happened. Bless her.

  At least I can knock prom and senior night off my list of things to handle. I’d even skip graduation if I could, but North Wake won’t let you graduate unless you come to all the practices and attend the actual ceremony. Apparently, they hold your diploma hostage until afterward. So that’s sweet of them.

  There are nights I know I should be studying, or reviewing, or doing the practice quizzes. But I can’t. Because what’s the point? When all’s said and done, I’ll barely scrape by in English, and if I never have to write another essay in my life, I’ll be very happy. I actually thought about maybe getting Nathan’s help, but we haven’t really talked much over the last two weeks.

  Actually, he’s talked to me plenty, I’ve just been too selfish to respond.

  That probably isn’t how I should be thinking of it, but I can’t stop myself. I have no idea what I’m going to say to him.

  The rest of my classes will be easy enough. We have to take an actual exam in Art, which sucks, but I know enough about the “history” aspect of the subject to pass. Chemistry will be the real kicker since Thomas can’t give me the exam. Something about nepotism, and it not being fair. Luckily, the test is made by the state, so all I really have to do is take it in a different room than everyone else. Just three weeks.

  Three whole weeks.

  Three weeks to get ready to never see Nathan ever again. He brought his letter from UCLA to lunch the other day. He got in, with a pretty big scholarship too, so he’s not even going to worry about his other choices. In three weeks he’ll be getting ready for school. In two months he’ll be touring the campus, a month after that, he’ll be one of UCLA’s newest students. And I’ll be nothing but a memory.

  “Hey, kid.” Hannah knocks on my door.

  “Hey.” I try my best to sound casual.

  “Do you have any plans tonight?” She takes a seat right on the edge of my bed. Her usual spot.

  “No.” Besides wallowing in a pool of self-pity and anxiety? I don’t know what’s hit me lately, maybe the art show is still at the back of my head, and everything that Hannah told me after. It feels like my parents aren’t the people I knew anymore.

  I mean, my opinion of Dad hasn’t changed that much but Mom … I thought she was different. It makes me think about everything I ever told her. If she really went behind my back like she did to Hannah.

  “Do you want to do anything?”

  “Not particularly.”

  “Come on!” She hops off the bed and pats at my legs. “Let’s party, let’s get loose. It takes two, come on!”

  “Why are you quoting Carly Rae Jepsen to me?”

  “Okay, first of all she only covered that song. Secondly—” Hannah shakes her head. “Never mind, come on, you’ve sulked enough.” She reaches for my hand before she remembers the whole touching thing.

  I put down my sketchbook. Not that I’ve been working on much anyway. All my Art assignments are done, and I’ve basically been painting at school nonstop since I won’t have the art room soon. “What’s gotten into you?”

  Hannah sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “Okay, guys, I tried!” she shouts to no one. Or at least, I think it’s no one, until Nathan and Meleika come down the hallway.

  “You call that trying?” I hear Meleika mutter.

  “What are you two doing here?” I ask.

  “Well, you’ve been so down lately,” Meleika says. “So we figured we’d kidnap you and take you to senior night!”

  “No, thanks,” I say.

  “You mean I brought this pillowcase for nothing?” Nathan eyes the thing balled up in his hands.

  “I thought it might be a good idea for you to get out.” Hannah sits back on the edge of the bed. “Go have fun, be a kid for one more night.”

  “Yeah, no.” I roll over on my side.

  “Come on!” Nathan hops on the end of the bed. “It’ll be fun.”

  “There’s bowling.” Meleika says this like it adds some kind of incentive for me to get out of bed. “And skating.” Strike two. “And everyone’s going to be there.” Strike three.

  “Okay, I’m going to talk to Ben, y’all wait downstairs.” Hannah shoos them both out of my room, closing the door behind them.

  “I’m not going,” I say again.

  “I heard you.”

  “Good.” I’ll apologize to everyone on Monday or something.

  “Ben …” Hannah huffs. “I know this hasn’t been the easiest time for you.”

  Understatement of the freaking year. “Yeah, and right now I just want to be alone. Okay?”

  “You’ve been alone for the last month, Ben.” A month? I guess it has been that long. “You’ve hardly talked to me, or Thomas. Nathan said you’ve been unresponsive at school. And the second you get home you crawl into bed. I know you’re feeling a lot of things, with Mom and Dad and—”

  “I’m allowed to feel sad about this, Hannah.” I’m trying not to be frustrated with her, but everything she says sounds terribly close to her telling me just to get over all this even if she doesn’t mean for it to.

  “I didn’t say that you shouldn’t feel sad. I’m just saying you need to prove them wrong.” Her words echo for a bit, settling in my ears. “Be sad, hell, sit in bed all weekend and just watch Netflix. I’ve had those times too. But don’t stop living your life for them.” I feel her drop back down onto the bed. “I know it’s hard, and I know that you need help, but you’ve got some amazing friends who are there for you, and amazing opportunities. And an amazing sister, if I can toot my own horn. But you can’t let them control you like this, Ben.”

  “Easy for you to say.”

  “No, it isn’t.” She sighs. “There are still days I feel like they’re right behind me, waiting. I’m always sort of scared it’ll never go away.”

  I try my best not to breathe, not to move a muscle.

  “Because even when I finally got out of that goddamn house they still had a hold on me. And it’s breaking my heart to see you going through the same thing, Ben.”

  “I …”

  “I want you to have a good life. I don’t want you to waste years trying to forget about them like I did. You’ve got this amazing support system of people who care about you. I mean, when I moved out I hardly had anyone. People I’d talked to in Goldsboro maybe once or twice. I’m actually jealous of your friends, if I’m being honest. They seem pretty awesome.”

  I let myself smile. “They are.”

  “I know … I know none of this has been easy. But I think you owe it to yourself. Lying in bed, you’ve got nothing but time to sit here and think about every little thing they did.”

  “I don’t think you really know what’s going on, Hannah.”

  “I don’t,” she says. “Not really. Only you can know that.” She sighs. “But I was in a similar spot when I finally got out from underneath them.”

  “And what helped you get out of it?” I ask.

  “Putting myself out there. Making friends, doing things. It kept me from thinking about them all the time.”

  I let her words sink in. And I know she’s right. I can’t just sit in this bed for the rest of my life. But right now, it’s all I seem capable of. The universe has crashed down around me and all I can do is lie in the aftermath.

  Maybe I’m being dramatic.

  And maybe I’m not. I don’t know.

  But what I do know is that Hannah’s right. And I think it’s time I made a decision for myself.

  “I’m going to tell Natha
n and Meleika you aren’t coming. Maybe we’ll order takeout tonight or something.” She pats my leg, and I feel the bed relax as Hannah stands up, her footsteps inching closer to the door.

  “Hannah?” I say, my voice hoarse.

  “Yeah?”

  I sit up, catching sight of myself in the mirror behind my dresser. God, I look like death. “I’ll go,” I say. “Tell them I’ll be down in fifteen minutes.”

  “So, what do we do first?” Sophie pulls her car into the parking lot of this huge sports complex. Reading off the list of things we can do already makes me regret my decision to come here. But it’s too late now.

  “Bowling!” Meleika shouts. “I’m going to kick all your asses.”

  “Pssh.” Nathan rolls his eyes. “If they let you put in the kiddie rails, maybe.”

  “Ben?” Sophie asks.

  “Bowling is fine.” I’ll probably just sit there and watch anyway.

  We show our student IDs at the door, and it’s already pretty chaotic in here. “Come on.” Nathan leads us to the side of the complex with the huge “Bowling” sign. It must not be the most popular sport in Raleigh, because five of the twelve lanes are open.

  Thankfully Meleika picks the one right at the very end. We both sit down at the center console seat, eyes bouncing from the screen in front of us to the one hanging from the ceiling.

  “Oh, you don’t have to put me in,” I say when I see her typing in my name.

  “Come on, you’ve got to do at least one game,” she says.

  “I’m not that good at bowling.”

  “Last time we were here, Nathan bowled a forty.” She keeps her voice low. “You’ll be fine.”

  “How is that even possible?” I ask.

  “Hey, no whispering.” Nathan goes over to the machine that cranks out the balls and fiddles around with a few before settling on one that fits his long fingers. Sure enough, the second it lands, the ball drifts to the right, sinking into the gutter.