I Wish You All the Best

by Mason Deaver

  I can’t stop myself from laughing. “Oh my God.”

  Nathan’s giving us such an evil look while he waits for his ball to return. His second try goes marginally better, but he only knocks down two pins.

  “Are you, like, trying to be bad on purpose?” Sophie asks.

  “No, no, he is not,” Meleika says under her breath before looking right at me. “Your turn.”

  Besides birthday parties as a kid, I’ve never bowled before, and back then we did have those rail things, so I was sort of, accidentally, the best one there. I don’t even know what sort of ball I’m looking for though, so I take the light pink one. It seems to fit my fingers all right, and it’s not too heavy.

  I throw the ball down the lane, scared for a moment that I’m going to go along with it, but it slips right off my fingers and glides smoothly, striking the pins right in the middle and sending all of them toppling. The big screen above me flashes with a huge red X.

  “That’s good, right?” They should probably find a better way to show off a strike. The three of them are all clapping for me when I take my seat again.

  “We’ll say it’s beginner’s luck.” Nathan pats my shoulder.

  “And we’ll say it’s you being a sore loser.” Sophie takes her turn.

  It’s actually pretty fun, as much as I hate to admit it. Nathan’s as terrible as Meleika promised, barely scraping by with a 60. According to Meleika, that’s the highest she’s ever seen him get. At first the strike is just beginner’s luck, but after a while I get the hang of it and end up with 200.

  “Are you sure you aren’t some secret professional bowler, and you just want us to feel bad about ourselves?” Sophie drops off a basket of fries in the middle of the table. More and more people have begun to flow in, meaning there is a line for the lanes now. So we only get in one game before we have to take a break.

  “I promise.” My phone buzzes in my pocket.

  Mariam: officially landed in NC, gonna nap for 15 hours. Don’t ever fly, Ben, it’s not worth it.

  I laugh to myself and send them a few kissy emojis.

  Me: sleep well, see you tomorrow.

  “Who is that?” Nathan leans over my shoulder. “Texting quite a few kissy faces.”

  My first instinct is to throw my phone across the room. “No one,” I say, sipping my drink.

  “So, what do we do now?” Meleika bites a fry in half.

  “What are we supposed to do?” I ask.

  “It’s just whatever we want to do,” Sophie says. “The school rents out the whole place until like six in the morning, so we’ve got plenty of time.”

  I check my phone again. It’s only nine. “We don’t have to stay the whole time, right?”

  “Oh, hell no.” Sophie laughs. “I’m putting on the strict one a.m. curfew for all of y’all. Unless you want to walk home.”

  “We could do laser tag.” Nathan reads down the list again. “Or skating?”

  “I can’t skate,” I say.

  “Oh, then we definitely have to go skating.” Nathan chuckles. “I need to see that.”

  “No way in hell,” Meleika says, winking at me. “I can’t skate either.”

  “Fine.” Nathan groans. “Putt-Putt?”

  “I’m game,” I say.

  Meleika kicks ass at Putt-Putt, but the course is outside, and it’s getting pretty chilly, so after a few holes we just head back inside. There’s this whole room near the arcade rented out for dancing. Nathan and Meleika run right in, but Sophie and I hang back, just sort of standing there, staring at the entryway.

  “Come on.” Sophie hooks an arm through mine, and we head toward the arcade. I’ve been waiting all night for her and Meleika to say something about the art show. But they haven’t. They didn’t even say anything at school yet, but maybe they were waiting to get me alone.

  Or maybe they aren’t planning on saying anything at all? Maybe they’re just trying to be as normal as humanly possible with me because they think that’s what I need right now? I hope it’s the last one. Because I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

  I want to forget that night ever happened.

  “What do you want to play?” Sophie asks.

  I look around, and nothing seems all that interesting, and ever fewer games are two-player, so we end up in front of the claw machine game. And Sophie’s pretty amazing at it. Like, ridiculously amazing.

  “My dad taught me a few tricks.” Sophie aims the crane just right, so she picks up this cat from an anime I’ve never seen. Her tenth win in under half an hour. “Here.” She hands the cat to me.

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, I’ve already got one of him.” Then she starts to wrestle with the bundle of plushies on the floor. “Mind helping me?”

  I take most of them, trying to balance them all in my arms. It really should not be this difficult to carry around a bunch of stuffed animals.

  “So, this is where you two ran off.” Nathan’s laugh makes me jump. “Aw, cute.” He taps the nose of the pink Yoshi at the top of the pile.

  “Shut up.” I almost throw one of the plushies at him, but I think I’ll drop them all if I do.

  “Mel wants to do laser tag next. Y’all game?”

  “Yeah.” Sophie wrangles her keys out of her purse. “Here, you want to go put those in the car?”

  “Come on.” Nathan grabs the keys. “We’ll meet you two over there.”

  “Just don’t take my car on a joyride.” Sophie winks and walks off in the direction of the arena.

  We brush past our classmates, Nathan waving to people every now and then. I try to tell myself they’re staring at Nathan, or the bundle of stuffed animals in my arms. Because that’s what they’re doing. No one cares about the art show; no one cares about what happened there. I just have to keep telling myself that.

  “Having fun?” Nathan nudges me.

  “Yeah,” I say. “Why?”

  “Just wondering.” He huffs. “I was worried about you there. After everything happened. You weren’t really answering my texts, and you seemed so distant at school.”

  “Oh,” I say. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. I can’t even imagine what you’re dealing with.” I feel him get closer, like he wants to take my hand or something. Maybe dropping all these plushies wouldn’t be such a bad thing?

  “It’s been …” I start to say, but I don’t even know how to finish that statement.

  “Rough?” he finishes.

  “That’s probably the nicest word you could use.” I see Principal Smith across the room. I don’t think she was at the art show. No doubt she heard all about it though. She gives me a half smile and a short wave when she catches me looking.

  I try to wave back.

  It’s weird to think this really all happened because of her. She could’ve said no to me, denied me a spot in North Wake. I never would’ve met Mrs. Liu, or gotten to paint as much as I have, or met Meleika or Sophie. Or Nathan.

  “Well, if you ever need me for anything just tell me, okay?” Nathan says.

  “Okay,” I say.

  “Anything,” he repeats. “I mean it, Ben.”

  I stare ahead and try not to think too hard about what “anything” implies. “Thank you.”

  I actually don’t sleep well that night, which isn’t good because Sophie drops me off at home around one thirty. Laser tag ran a little long.

  But it has more to do with the fact that in less than twelve hours, I’ll be meeting Mariam. At least I hope it’s because of that. I’ve still got time to kill when I do finally decide to get out of bed. Mariam’s got a tour of State’s campus scheduled, and some kind of special lunch, but after that we’re totally free to do whatever we want.

  “You want to use my car?” Hannah asks.

  “Is that okay?”

  “Here.” Hannah reaches over the counter and snatches her keys. “Don’t be too late, okay? I’ll see you at dinner.”

  “Okay.”

  �
��Just don’t run over any hydrants, please?” Hannah pleads.

  I look at her, and smile. “I mean, I can’t exactly promise anything.”

  “Ha.” She takes the keys back. “Funny, kid. Now promise.”

  “I’ll be careful, I swear.”

  Except when the GPS tries to lead me down a one-way street, I nearly run into someone. And then I nearly run over a fire hydrant while I try to get into a parking lot to turn around. This is why I let Hannah drive me everywhere. Eventually I make it to the coffee shop, but when I look around I don’t see Mariam, or anyone who could maybe be Mariam from behind.

  Oh God, what if I’m so late they left? It’s only been ten minutes, but maybe they think I stood them up. I have to double-check my phone to make sure it’s even the right day. Definitely Saturday, definitely the time we agreed on. So where are they?

  There’s a tap on my shoulder. “Ben?”

  “Oh my God!” My first instinct is to wrap Mariam in a hug, because they’re here, they’re actually, really here. But then I don’t remember if that’s haram for them, so I keep my arms to my side and just sort of awkwardly shuffle my feet. Better safe than sorry.

  “Oh, please.” Mariam throws out their arms. “I’m sorry I’m late. You’d think I’d be used to traffic.”

  “It’s okay.” Their arms wrap around me. “I was worried I’d missed you or something.” We hug for what feels like forever, because they’re here. They’re really here.

  “Sorry,” I say, finally letting go. “Guess I got a little excited.” I almost want to cry.

  “It’s cool.”

  “So, um …” I rub the back of my neck.

  Great. It only took point-five seconds for me to get awkward. That must be some sort of record.

  “Oh, don’t get all flustered on me.” Mariam nudges me with their elbow. “Come on, we’re getting coffee and you’re showing me around.”

  “Can’t promise you I’ll be a good tour guide,” I say.

  “Excellent, you always find the best places when you get lost.”

  And lost is what we are after just ten minutes, but with Mariam it isn’t so bad. We just sort of wander around aimlessly, picking any direction to go in. There’s this weird used bookstore where everything inside has yellowed horribly, and the smell is unbearable. And once we’re back outside and take in a few lungfuls of actual, sort-of-clean air, we head across the street to a frozen yogurt shop.

  My iced coffee is still sitting heavy in my stomach, so I go with a plain vanilla and chocolate fudge. Mariam loads up though. I’m pretty sure at least half their bill is from toppings alone. I see gummy worms and bears, cherries, almonds, and Oreo crumbs. And that’s just the top layer.

  “How do you eat all that?” I ask.

  “Listen, I didn’t have time for dinner last night or breakfast. And the lunch at the school was a total bust, so I’m treating myself.”

  “That combination can’t be good.”

  “You’re right, but I don’t care.” Mariam picks off a gummy worm covered in chocolate and acts like they’re going to throw it at me.

  “Hey.” I duck. “So where are we going?”

  “Don’t know. I want to see the water.”

  “Don’t you live in California?”

  “And?” They shrug.

  “Fine,” I say, and before I know it, we’ve both sort of automatically drifted toward this park. Not Pullen, this is a different one. But there’s still a trail and plenty of places to relax in the shade.

  “So, how was last night?” God, it still feels like they’re going to vanish right before my eyes. “You were out with your friends, right?”

  “Yeah, it was fun,” I say.

  “You got a date for prom yet? Or has that already happened?”

  “No, and not yet. Next week, I think, but I’m not going.”

  “Why not?”

  I shake my head. “Why would I?”

  “’Cause it’s a lot of fun. You shouldn’t miss out like that.”

  “I don’t have a date,” I say. “Or a tuxedo.” Not that I’d really want to wear one.

  “So? What about Nathan? You two could just go as friends. Plenty of people do that.”

  “Yeah, that’s so not happening.” I don’t think I could stomach that. We’d be so close, but we couldn’t take that leap. That jump. It’d be a night of punishing myself with every look, every touch.

  “Yikes, the crush has been crushed.”

  “I’m just wondering what the point is.”

  “Well, that’s the real question, isn’t it?” Mariam takes their last spoonful of yogurt. “The gummy bears were too much.”

  I take their empty bowl in the trash along with mine. “The hot fudge might’ve been overkill too.”

  “Hot fudge is always necessary. So, I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.” They sigh and lean against the railing, looking down at the water beneath us. “So what, you’ll pine over summer break, and then never see him again?”

  “That’s the plan. I’m sure he’ll come back for holidays and break.” But it’ll never be the same. He’ll get new friends, find people he likes better. Hell, he might come back home one day with a boyfriend, or girlfriend, or partner. Someone who isn’t as much of a burden as I am.

  “Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. It’s not fun, Benji.”

  “You say that like I don’t already know.” I let out a slow breath and stare down at the water. Much bluer in the daylight now, but still dark.

  “You deserve a happy life, Ben.” Mariam keeps going. “More than anyone I know. You’re such a smart kid, and you’re so kind, and you’ve got so much love to give.”

  “Sometimes the world isn’t so fair,” I say.

  “I think you’re a living testament to that. Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to at least try?”

  “I’ve been thinking about it.” Last night, Nathan told me I could talk to him about anything, right? Anything. I wonder if that means he already knows something, or if he suspects I’m gay, or bisexual, or pansexual. Or if he’s somehow figured out the nonbinary deal. I should be able to tell him anything. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him.

  “Good! You should do it, I think it’s the right choice.”

  “Maybe.” Because what have I done to deserve someone like Nathan? “What if he rejects me? Or doesn’t want to be around me. I’ll have to come out, there’s no way I can’t.”

  “If he won’t accept you, then fuck him. But he doesn’t seem like that kind of person.”

  “You don’t even know him.”

  “True. But I know you. And you’re so in love with him it isn’t funny. It’s time to make your grand declaration. I’m sure we could find another T-shirt cannon around here.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Oh, that’s so easier said than done.”

  “I know.” They sigh. “But it’s the truth. And you’ve only got two more weeks of school, and after that, you’ve got three months with him. What is there to lose? Be brave.”

  “The last time I was brave I got kicked out of my house.”

  “Sometimes it’s worth it to try again,” Mariam adds. “And Nathan isn’t like your parents.”

  “I know.”

  “You ever dream of just driving back to their house and telling them off?”

  “I’d be happier if I never had to see them again. That’d be the real gift.”

  Mariam giggles. “Damn, kid, you’re cold.”

  “I’m done with them.” I shrug.

  It’s odd. Before all this, I don’t know what I believed about them. Even that night on the roof, I told Nathan I might still love them. I don’t think I did then, but there’s really no telling what I thought exactly.

  Now I know for certain. They don’t deserve my love.

  And I sure as hell don’t need theirs.

  “Good call.”

  Deep down, I know Mariam’s right. And I know Nathan won’t hate me, he can’t, but there’s
still that fear.

  And maybe it is worth the risk. I’ve never felt like this for another person. Ever. When I’m with him, it already feels like I’m out, that he knows. Because he makes me feel more like myself than anyone I’ve ever known.

  Then there’s that urge. The one I felt before I came out to Mom and Dad. When I first realized I’m nonbinary, it was like this secret. One that I only I knew. Part of me wanted to keep it that way. But as the months passed, I felt it all bubbling over. Every comment at home or at school. Every time I was called Mr. or sir.

  It just kept rising and rising until I just knew I had to tell someone. I had to get it out of me, like it was some sort of poison. And Mom and Dad were who I chose.

  That’s what this feels like. Every time Nathan uses the wrong pronouns for me, it feels like a stab to the gut. Even if Mariam and Hannah and Thomas know to use the right ones. His words are the ones I care about the most right now.

  I need him to know. For my sake.

  For his.

  “I want to tell him.” I say those five little words and they feel like they could end the world. “That I’m nonbinary.”

  “Yeah?” I can sense the confusion in their voice. But this is the first step. The first logical one anyway. A declaration of love can come later.

  “I’m scared, Mariam.” It’s like it’s all catching up with me, and it feels like a dream. I’m going to try and come out to Nathan Allan. I want to come out to Nathan Allan.

  “I was too.” They put their hand over mine. “It’ll be worth it.”

  “How do you know?”

  They shrug. “What answer makes you feel better?”

  “That you have a hunch? That it’ll all go amazingly, and he’ll love me for who and what I am. That he won’t hate me.”

  Mariam laughs. “I have a hunch, galbi.”

  “Galbi?” I look at them. “What’s that?”

  “It means ‘my heart.’”

  I lean in closer to them, shoulder to shoulder. “I love you.”

  “Love you too, Benji.”

  We walk around for another hour, thankfully avoiding the topic of my parents, or Nathan. It’s weird to finally be here with Mariam. And we’ve only known each other for about a year and a half now, but when you owe someone your life, can you really call them anything but your best friend?