Believe You Me!

by W. W. Jacobs

  III

  HOLY SMOKES

  I

  Palatial Apartments, 0256 Riverside Drive, New York City, U. S. A. America. (Kindly forward if on tower) Passed by censor.

  DEAR MARY:

  Well say little one, I am certainly glad your health, new contracts andthe two fool dogs is both doing so nicely and as for the cigarettes theywere O.K. not to say swell. Only dearie, it ain't hardly necessary tohave my monogram on the next lot for Fritz has never waited for me tocatch up to him so's I could offer him one and he's about the onlyperson would be impressed by the J. La T. because our own boys kid meabout any little thing like that on account of their knowing me to beyour dancing-partner and not to mention husband and they are still slowto realize that it takes a real he-man to swing you around my necktwenty times like we do in the Tango de Lux, and I have to continuallykeep showing them.

  Then another good reason for no gold monogram is that the price of samewould cover quite a bunch of cheap smokes and dearie handing them aboutis more to me than my own personal vanity and would be the same with myshirts if necessary, while over here in distant Belgium I realise it wasalso a waste to have them embroidered on the sleeve because the damchinaman always used to mark them up with monograms of his own anyways.

  Speaking of money we used to spend on un-essentials before the war, Itell you dearie we certainly learn in the army, especially since gettinginto this recaptured territory, that many objects we would have sworecould not be done without is laid off like the extra people after theball-room scene and nobody misses them until somebody sends over one ofthem--like them monogramed smokes of yours. Immediately I got them Icommenced to think about little old B'way and dry-martinis and mylittle old roadster with the purple body and the red wheels, and usdancing at the palatial with the juice full on us, red and green, violetand amber. Oh Kid! it made me home-sick!! But then we got a order tostart on cleaning up after them Botches again and so I forgot everythingbut you and my new step--which was forward, double line!

  Well, sweetie, now about this smokes question. Of course your Ma havingbeen with the circus is used to giving up things, as naturally in atrapese-act such as hers used to be she would need all the nerve she hadand even eating a welsh rabbit would of been a wild party to her. Thecenter ring is no joke and forty feet above it on a trapese from thecenter canvas less so. But trapese work has not yet been offered to theAllies except mebbe Itily on them mountains and any lady which starts asociety to keep smokes from soldiers may be strong in morals but issurely weak in the head, which I never knew your Ma to be before. Shebeing always not only a lady but a great little picker on contracts andwhat would we of done without her that time Goldringer tried to slip the"satisfactory to the Goldringer Theatrical Productions Corp." stuffover on us and she spotted it?

  But for the love of liberty can this idea of hers about it not beinggood for the boys to smoke and make her quit worrying about us tearingaround France learning no new sins. For sweetie the crimes a man cancommitt on whats left of his pay after the alotment is took out and theinsurance and the liberty bonds instalments would be sanctioned byanybody in the country even if his coller buttoned up the back. For takeit or leave it, liquor, ladies and lyrics is as expensive here as northof 42nd str., and our pay dont go for them even after distracting theabove.

  Why me and a fellow went off on leave to a general store in a town whichI couldn't spell for you much less mention it, even if permitted. Butanyways we went to it and Mac bought some winterweights and they wasfour-fifty a pair and no better than the U.S. seventy-five cent kind,and I got two pair socks a dollar per each and two bananas for 25c,which only goes to show everything here is terrible expensive exceptnessessaties. So dont let your Ma worry over me spending my remainingnickel on vice.

  I note what you say about the way folks at home get your goat by passingthe buck on war-reliefs--if it's chocolet they say they've just given totobacco, if it's tobacco they just bought a W.S.S., and if it's W.S.S.they just got a hatful of bonds, or if it's bonds they just give theirlast cent to chocolet--passing the buck all along the line. Well dearie,I guess mebbe that's their way of getting a little war-relief of theirown, but as you say why would they need any relief when the fact thatthey are for the most part without cooties ought to be relief enough initself? Let alone having to dodge only taxi cabs and bill-collectorsinstead of shells. Only of course we dont have to do that now, onlyshell-holes, and dodge them in a hurry to get one last look at theGerman army before it puts on its good old soup and fish--or whateverthe German for civilized clothing is, that is if they have any.

  But you are right girlie, to boost the smokes. We'll need them for along while yet. I know you have been obliged to keep your own from yourMa and what with not really caring for peppermints it has been hard allthese years. But while her trapeese work stood alone in its day and noone on Broadway is more respected at this writing and as amother-in-law I have no complaint on her outside of her wearing mydress-pumps, this one time she is dead wrong. Soldiers are not alwaysacrobats and they do need to smoke and your Ma will put herself in thesmall-time reform class if she dont look out. When I think of the stuffI seen up and down Broadway and elsewhere in my days which could bereformed and no one miss it, I get hot when I hear this talk aboutkeeping the army pure. Take it or leave it, but the truth is the Hunshas kept us pure alright--they sweat all the wickedness out of usrunning after them.

  But to get back to the tobacco stuff. Dont let nothing hinder you frombothering everybody you see to send smokes. We'll use 'em up never fear!And if you was to be walking down the Avenue or mebbe Broadway sometimeand a box in your hand and asking for Smoke Funds or something whicheverway its done--and your Ma was to fight her way through the howling mobwhich would undoubtedly be surrounding you on account of course the bestknown parlor-dancing act in America and the world wouldn't walk outlooking for funds and not draw a mob which was only too glad to see youfor five cents in the smoke-fund-box instead of two dollars in the boxoffice--well, anyways, if your Ma was to force her way through this mobwhich with her weight she could do easily, why she would forgive you inthe end if not right there on the street, and I believe that ahand-organ would start and play hearts and flowers at that.

  Anyways, keep up the good work only never mind the monograms as long asthey taste like tobacco and can be lit. And if you fall out with Ma justtell her this story which I will tell you and she will see mebbe Goddidn't put tobacco in the world merely for little slum children to pluckon their two weeks vacation in all its green beauty.

  Well, the story is like this sweetie, and I will write it as good as Ican and if it seems comicle go ahead and get a good laugh only take itor leave it, it was no comedy at the time. But if you was to news itaround mebbe the folks at home would start dropping something besidecoppers in them soda-fountain boxes you was talking about, and commencetrying to squeeze a quarter through the slot now and again. Come tothink of it, the biggest thing a copper penny can buy is the feeling aperson gets from dropping one in a Belgium milk bottle or home forcrippled children or Merry Xmas for the Salvation Army. You know thecheap chest it gives you. Many a liberty bond has been left in theGovts. hands by a prospective buyer stumbling on a "drop a penny" box ina cigar store on his way to the cupon-cutters, or I miss my guess. I'vedone the same in my day and the man who says he aint raised his ownstock with himself by giving a nickle to the Newsboys Annual Outing isas big a liar as the guy which says he never loved another girl. And ifpennies was to be cut out of the currency a whole lot of cheapphilanthropists would have to make their conscience work or fight.

  Well, anyways you go right on boosting the smoke-fund and never mind Ma.She'll learn different some day.

  Now about this story I was going to tell you. First off leave me explainthat the drinking regulations over here is diffe
rent to uniforms than onthe Rialto and America. I hunch it that the managers and booking agentsand so forth in the U. S. Military Amusements Co. inc. figure that a fewof the rules have to be let down while the big show is on. Same as thestars can lean against a No Smoking sign on the big time and roll amakin's quite openly. So when on leave and even sometimes in thedressing-room or I should say rest-billets a bottle of wine is not outof order. Very different sweetie, from the night Goldringer gave me inmy uniform the big send off at the Ritz with all the newspaper bird andthe leads and everybody and me and you the only sober person present, doyou remember?

  Well, its no news to you to say that I havent forgot I am a professionaldancer and good condition is my middle name for my future, not tomention my present contract with Uncle Sam and that a sober man is worthmore to both--also to you and myself.

  But the Allies dont look on liquor like we do. As a matter of fact theyseldom look on what we would call liquor at all, hardly ever getting aglympse of anything hard such as rye, scotch or gin, and a cocktailbeing practically a stranger and a repulsive one at that to them. Butwine is something different again. Which while with us it is the highsign for a big party and flowing only in extremely good classes such asat the lobster layouts--leaving aside dago spaghetti parlors when folksis resting--with them it is a common matter and everybody drinks it andwhile there aint much kick to it, still it has it all over the water weget and coming under their idea of necessities, is low in price. Ofcourse by wine I do not mean champagne like we used to for publicitypurposes order for our dinner in public, but stuff made out of commongrapes, I guess, and with the seltzer left out.

  Well, dearie, the reason I hand you all this info. is that the story Iam going to tell you got started because of this wine. "In VenusVeritas" you know or so they say, and I confess that in trying to get alittle kick out of the stuff I got sort of lit and that's what caused methe story.

  II

  WELL, we was sort of waiting off stage as you might call it, in a littletown in Belgium, our act having just been on and a pretty lively one itwas and the Captain give us a pretty good hand on it, although as youknow the audience didn't wait for the finish but left us their orchestraseats or front line trenches which we moved into and then give up to thenext number on the bill and come back to watch from the wings, or wouldof only we was a little too far off.

  Well, the Capt. felt so good and the water was so bad that he sent adelegation back for a little liquid refreshment. They have big jugs overhere like the molasses is kept in at home only here it is frankly booseand no one pretends any different. And the game is this. The one whichvolunteers for this dangerous work, if broke himself, takes a swig or soout of the jug he is bringing back which it dont show on account oftheir not being transparent and so the officer dont get any surpriseuntil toward the end of the jug and even so may think he took more thanhe had thought. The private will take only a little from each but ifthere is jugs enough many a mickle makes quite a jag.

  Well, me and a fellow named McFarland and a French kid called Ceasarewas each given two of these molasses jugs which looked like props, andwas sent off to a village some place in congnito for you couldn'tpronounce it. And we was glad enough to go because among other things wewas short of smokes. Some cleaver actor had accidintly lit the lastmess fire with a bale of Virginias and there wasnt hardly a smoke amongus.

  You just figure out how it would feel if you was to have a bath and doyour exercise and eat a swell breakfast and then realise there wasnt apill in the house! Think sweetie, how your brest would swell up withalarm, and the royal fit you would throw while the elevator boy was onhis way to the corner drug store! Why figure even the way you feel onceyou get a cigarette in your face and then cant find a match for twowhole minutes. Well, take it or leave it, I tell you that feeling is awhole lot multiplied on the victorious fields of France when littlefriend cigarette is notable by its absence. A empty house on an openingnight is nothing to it. So you can see where me and Ceasare and Mac wasglad to get in the neighborhood of one, leaving even all considerationsof the wine aside.

  Well, we started out carrying each two jugs and as we went the fellowwhich acts as usher, or sentry on the road hollers at us do we know theway and Ceasare and him jabbered at each other in French in theremarkable fluent way they do over here. And Ceasare laughed and when weasked what it was he said the guy told him to look out Fritz didnt getus on the open road, which was certainly some joke for of course wehadn't been able to get near enough to Fritz to hear him in some time.So we laughed, too, for if any snipers had managed to stay behind andopened up on us we could of spotted them and wiped them out if they hadkept it up.

  Well sweetie, there wasnt any road exactly toward the place we was boundfor on account of our having done considerable trespassing on privateproperty and taking little notice of fences whether barbed-wire orcivilian or shell-holes or trenches but having went straight ahead. Andafter the last 5 years on upper Broadway you will realize it comes easyenough to me, I often having come unharmed from the Claridge to theAstor, and the French fields has nothing on that crossing. So to me thatfirst part of the trip was as little or nothing and I was thecheerfulist of the party though we was all pretty cheerful and singing alittle song of Ceasare's which I dont know what it means but I guess I'dbetter not write it in for fear you would.

  Well, it was late afternoon and awful cold for the time of year, and Iwas thinking that at home the frost was on the pumpkin and the pumpkinwould soon be in the pie and the turkey was about to get the axe andHalloween was due and a lot of nice things like that. And after a lot ofkilomets had been covered, we come to the funny little town which lookedlike the back-drop to the opening seane in a musical comedy only allshot to pieces like it had been on the road with a No. 2 company for along and successful tower.

  Well, we come to it, anyhow, and being on duty in a way as far as themjugs went--we went with them and took what we could afford our ownselveswhile we watched papa Ceasare fill 'em up. Then the tobacco dept.claimed our attention only to find there wasn't any!

  Well, sweetie, I have tried to put over the way I felt at these gladtidings and the censor wouldn't of stood for it, so out she goes! But Ifelt that way all right and so did Mac and Ceasare.

  "I'll no beleeve ut!" says Mack which he talks a funny kind of way likeHarry Lauder. "I'll no beleeve ut--theer must be some someplace aboot!"

  "Say la guyer!" says Ceasare and gives a shrug, although he was a lotmore disappointed than Mac on account of Mac's really caring more forliquor than smoke any day. "Say la Guyer!" he says, and asks his pa whyit happened and his pa tells him and he translates it to Mac and me.

  "He say a young lady have took it all only hour ago for free tosoldiers," he explains.

  And take it or leave it, but I was certainly a little sore for althoughI am the first to believe in the other fellow getting it, still thistime we all felt like the other fellow was us, and no doubt she had tookit to the nearest camp or hut, and so I ast which way was it she wentfor mebbe we would get some of it. And then come a big surprise.

  "No 'ospitil here!" Ceasare explained again. "An no 'ut! It ees too soonafter we take it. Then papa says she is first cross red lady we haveseen and she speak in French!"

  "Well, that's funny!" I says--and of course dearie you understand thishad been enemy ground only a little before and that there was awine-shop going was a miricle and only for it being Ceasare's papa wewouldn't of got none, which is how he come to be along with us.

  Well, we all felt real sore and disappointed but took it like a man forof course a red cross nurse would get it for the wounded and we had ourhealth.

  So papa give us all another round and we took the big molasses jugs andstarted off. It was getting toward twilight and pretty cold and I willsay it give me sort of sore feeling towards the folks at home and blamedthem for letting me be without a cigarette and you know how it is abouttwo drinks makes me a little sore at things and I began to cheer upafter the third and this was early in t
he evening.

  Not so Mac. He has a talent for drink. Well, we had just about left themotion-picture village behind us when he commenced to sing and while Idont know what it was about, I will put it down this time because youwont know neither.

  "Fortune if thou'll but gie me still Hale Breeks, a scone, an' whisky gill, An' rowth o' ryme to rave at will, Tak' a' the rest,

  "An' deal 't about as they blind skill Directss thee best."

  Well, naturally we applauded which is always safe when you don'tunderstand a thing, and it certainly was comical for Mac is generally aquiet cuss and a tightwad as well. Then I spoke up.

  "These jugs is too heavy!" I says. "Let's lighten 'em up a bit."

  Well they thought so and we done it and felt better and then I sangthem:

  "Give me your love The sunshine of your eyes!"

  And both Ceasare and Mac commenced to cry. Mac set down his jugs and wedone the same and then Mac done the most generous thing I ever seen aScotchman do even in liquor. He reached inside his bonnett and took outthree cigarettes, shook the bonnett to show they was actually the last,and give us each one and one to himself.

  Well, we all sat down on a old motor chassis or what was left of it, andburned them smokes like insense, not speaking a word! But putting thatred cross lady which had been ahead of us out of our minds and thinkingonly of how we was going to give Mac our next packages from home whenthey come, and he mebbe thinking of how he was going to get them. Andthen we all made our jugs a little lighter and by this time it waspretty dark and we commenced to hurry back. Before we had went very farwe had to hesitate about which way. Because sweetie, take it or leaveit, what you write about getting lost in the new subway has nothing onfinding your way about after dark by yourself in this part of the world.

  Well, Mac was sure we come one way and I was sure we come another andCeasare he had a different hunch from either of us. So we all tookanother little drink as it was getting mighty cold by now, and in theend we started off Ceasare's way because why wouldnt he know best whichway was right and him born and raised right there on the farm? Wetrusted to his judgment just like him and Mac would of trusted me totell the taxi-driver where to go from Keens.

  So we went like he said, but somehow we didn't seem to get no place inparticular although we kept on going for a long time: I couldn't say howlong, but it seemed like a Battery to Harlem job to me only by now Iloved everybody but Fritz and a sort of fog had come up or so I thought,and we was all singing, each our own sweet songs but at the same time.

  "Lets throw away a few of these jugs," I remember saying--and reallythere was so little in some of them it wasn't worth carrying back so wejust finished them off and threw them away and then we come upon alittle path--or it felt like it.

  "Allou!" shouted Ceasare, "we are almost there!" and with that we suregot the surprise of our lifes, for rat-tat-tat-tat-tat come a sputter ofmachine gun fire right at us.

  III

  AT first we was very much jolted by this though unhurt, and then wecommenced to think it was a joke. Here we was going in behind our ownlines and being fired upon.

  "Shut up, ye dam fools!" Mac hollered. "Can ye no recognize yer ownpeople?"

  Then Ceasare yelled in French, but they paid no attention to us._Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!_ it come again, and this time it made me real mad.I figured that if they didn't quit their nonsense somebody was liable toget hurt. So I saved what was left in my last jug, threw the thingaway, and told Ceasare and Mac to come on and leave us beat up the poorboobs with the nasty sense of humor and show them where they got off.Well, Mac and him thought this was a good idea so they done like I doneand we ran up the little hill which we could see our way pretty good inspite of the dark because they never let up on us but kept right onspitting fire. Well, we got very mad by this time and to tell the truthI can't very well recall just what did happen only when we got to thegun the boys was German!

  Well, take it or leave it, I aint had a jolt like that since the nightGoldringer raised our salary of his own accord after we put on the LaTour Trot. And I only wisht I could remember more about what happened.But for quite a few minutes I was terrible busy; and I guess I betteradmit I was tight--awful tight. Of course there was five of them andonly three of us, and equally of course we licked them badly and tookonly one prisoner but not being anything for a lady to read I will notgive particulars and anyways I dont remember any. Of course it was oneof them few remaining nest of hornets which we had joked about, butreally hadn't believed was there.

  Well, when it was all over but the cheering and we was sure these birdshad been all by their lonesome, we was pretty well sobered and hot andeverything. And the first thing we done was take a look around in a fewplaces for tobacco. And take it or leave it--we didn't find any! Not asmoke among the lot! Watter you know about that?

  But one good thing we got out of the scrap was our senses back and itwas easy enough to spot about where our own lines would be. So after wefigured it out, and taking Fritz, the one prisoner, along, we commencedto start off that way and you can bet the poor boob was glad to go withus. You would of thought he had wanted to be with us all the time. Justlike after a election at home. Cant find anybody who didnt vote thewinning ticket. Which joke you may not understand, sweetie, being alady, and I will not now stop to explain.

  Well, we started back alright and as we come, I got the story which Iwant to tell you which commenced really when we come to that old barn.Only I had to explain how we come to be there or you wouldnt get theidea of what I am driving at for you to make your Ma understand.

  Ever since I fell out of my airplane and was in the hospital andreenlisted the only place they'd take me back was in the infantry, Idone a lot of thinking--and some of it stuff which might mebbe soundawful queer coming from me, especially after some of the language I havebeen known to use in my day, and while I hope I aint become mushy, Icertainly do believe there is more to religion and such things than wehave thought. Take it or leave it, mighty few fellows have lived throughthis war, far less fought through it, without getting religion of somekind out of it. I wonder can you get me? And make Ma get it too. So I'lltell what happened and you see if miricles is over yet or not for thisis a true fact and not a story somebody told me.

  Well, after we cleaned up that machine gun nest and had a cute littlelive German prisoner of our very own, we took him down the hill with usthe best way we could in the dark and it full of holes and what not.There wasn't a bit of light--no moon nor stars nor nothing, and a wetsort of smell that made us wish for a smoke the way hardly nothing elseis ever wished for, except mebbe a motion-picture salary or a drink ofwater after a big night--not on the desert.

  Well we got on pretty good because we was nearly sober now and Ceasarehe knew where we was going, and this time he really did, and so we keptup pretty good. It commenced to rain a little and the big drops feltawful nice against my cheeks which was burning hot. Made me think ofwhen I was a kid back in Topeka and digging out to school and a pair ofred mittens I had which my mother had made them--good knitting and wellmade like the sweater I had on that very minute which she also knit. AndI thought of me and you and our snow-scene when we done that dance onthe Small Time with the sleighbells on our heels--remember dear? Beforewe had really made good except with each other? And I thought about lovetoo and a lot of fool stuff like that. And then I heard a funny soundfor thereabouts. It was a woman moaning and crying.

  Well, at first I thought mebbe I was crazy or imagined it, but Mac whowas walking in front with our own little Fritz stopped short and so didFritz and listened. It come again--the most dismal thing you ever wantto hear. I turned to Ceasare and he had heard it.

  "Say drool," he says, which means "Its funny" only it wasnt and he didntmean it that way, but the other way. You know.

  "It sure is!" I says. "There she goes again!"

  "I think theers a wee bit housie over theere!" says Mac.

  "It is the barn of my cousin's uncle
," says Ceasare. "We better golook."

  So with that we started across the road to where sure enough was a funnylittle barn--stone with a grass roof--peculiar to these parts, I guess.The nearer we got the louder the noise was, but no words to it, onlysobbing very low and despairing and sort of sick--and a female--no doubtof it. There wasn't any light nor anybody moving about as far as wecould tell.

  "Gee! What'll we do?" I says in a whisper. "We can't pass it up!"

  "Naw--we mun tak' a look inside!" whispers Mac.

  "Certinmount," says Ceasare; "Mais--be careful! We put the Boch in firstand see if some trick is up!"

  It being Ceasare's cousin's uncle's barn he knew where the door was,and the three of us shoved Fritz up to it and made him understand he wasto open it and go in ahead of the crew. We finally got it over withsigns and shoves, because the bird didnt speak nothing but German and wehadnt a word of it among us. But still we made him do it and he did, andwe pulled our guns and stood close behind and I stood closest and pullednot alone my gun but the little electric flashlight you sent me which Iflashed in as quick as the door was opened.

  IV

  AND take it or leave it--there was a woman with a baby in her arms! Shewas rather a young round-faced woman and that kid was awfully little andheld close under a big dark cloak the woman wore. The poor soul lookedtired out and she had no hat and her hair was all down. The inside ofthe barn was a wreck and the rain was coming in through a big shellholein the roof. She was all alone, we at once got that, and at sight of theGerman uniform which was all she seen at first, she give a shriek of joyand got up onto her feet.

  "Got si danke!" she cried. "Ich habe----"

  Then she seen the rest of us and shrunk back, covering the kid with hercloak. Fritz said something to her--quite a lot in a hurry, andevidently told her he was a prisoner, and now that she had spilled thebeans, so was she. And of course even under the circumstances, she was.But take it or leave it, I certainly did feel queer when I went up tothat lady with the little baby in that barn. For German or no German thesituation was--well--it certainly got my goat. I took off my hat andmade a bow.

  "Lady," I commenced, "have no fear. Don't let us throw no scare intoyou. We ain't Huns--that is, I beg your pardon, but what I mean is youare perfectly safe and we will take care of you."

  Well, the way she looked at me would of wrung a heart of stone. Her eyeswas blue and she just stared at me as if I had hurt her--which ofcourse was far from any mind there.

  "Don't be scared," I says again. "You and the baby will get good care.Just come with us if you are able!"

  When I spoke of the kid she give the poor little smothered thing a quicklook and drew her cloak around it closer. Gee! but she looked fierce!She had quit crying but not a word out of her!

  "You try!" I says to Ceasare. "The poor thing mebbe understands French."

  So Ceasare, who was as much shot to pieces at the sight as I was, comeforward.

  "Madame!" says he, bowing with his cap in his hand. Then he shoots a lotof French about restes, au succuoor, and stuff I know meant "cut theworry." But she didnt get it any better than she had my line of talk,and only kept on looking scared.

  Well by this time Mac come out of his stupor; but there was no usetrying Scotch on her, that was plain. So there was nothing to it exceptforward march. For one thing my torch wouldnt of lasted much longer andfor another it sure was getting late.

  "Does your cousin's uncle which owns the barn have a house anywheresnear, where we could leave her?" I asked Ceasare.

  "All dead in this town!" he says cheerfully. "And this is the onlybuilding left I think it!"

  "Then there's nothing to do but take her along to headquarters," I says,and off we started, she not saying a word.

  That was some trip! I want to tell you sweetie it was the worst part ofthe whole war to me. You know I got a heart and I felt just fierce forthat poor little German mother. All the way in, while we was helping heralong I kept wishing I knew how on earth she come to get in that place.She seemed real feeble at times and we lifted her across the worstplaces. I tried to get her to let me carry the baby, but she held on toit like grim death and wouldnt leave any of us touch it--and it was soquiet I commenced to get scared.

  "More than likely its dead!" I whispered to Ceasare and he thought sotoo.

  Before we got in, we had carried her almost a mile, taking turns withher on our crossed hands, and the odd feller guarding our Hun. And thenwe came to the end of about the very worst and longest hike I ever tookincluding the time the Queen of the Island Company got stranded in NewRochelle. The sentry across that mud hole of a slushy road was thewelcomest sight in the world.

  "Wot the 'ell yer got?" he says when he recognized us.

  "One Gentleman Hun prisoner and one lady ditto in very bad shape!" Isays.

  "Wot the 'ell!" he says again. And then he passed us and we reported.

  Say sweetie, take it or leave it, but I had honest clean forgot allabout that wine which we had been sent for in the first place. I tellyou I was so worried about that poor woman! And it was not until thefive of us was standing in Capt. Haskell's quarters with the light fromhis ceiling glaring at us and him also glaring from behind his mustache,that I even commenced to remember it. But I had to report so I reportedfor the bunch of us and in strict detail as good as I could remember.All this while the woman sat in a chair, her face like a stone, and myheart just aching for her.

  Well, when I got through taking the most nervous curtin-call of mylife--and take it or leave it, if the German army would ever of been asnervous as I was then, the war would of ended that minute. Capt. Haskellbeckoned to the lady.

  "Come here, please!" he says very kind. "And let me see the baby!"

  She got up and went over very softly. Then she stood in front of him andcommenced to laugh and laugh.

  "Pigs of Americans!" she said. "Fools to carry me! That's not ababy--its twenty cartons of cigarettes!"

  Then she threw back her cloak and under it there she was dressed in RedCross uniform.

  "I disguised myself and went to the village!" she went on in perfectlygood English. "And I bought all the tobacco there.

  "On my way back to my own lines I was fool enough to lose my way and tocry over it! That is all!"

  And its enough, aint it dear? For you do get me, dont you? Them twentycartons of cigarettes was a miricle to us and the one we needed the mostof any right at that moment. Eh, what? as the English say. And hertaking such a chance to get them for Fritz shows how bad off the Germanarmy must be, don't it? And so tell this to your Ma and get her to quitthat foolish anti-smoke society she's forming--because its the bunk--andI am ever your loving life and dancing partner, JIM.

  P. S. Just got your letter. That certainly is a good one on Ma. Smokinga pipe! And if you hadnt opened the door so sudden you'd never in thisworld of caught her. And if she does claim her grandmother did it too,all you got to say is so did many a soldier's grandmother.

  P. S. No. 2. I forgot to say that a French General has given us a kisson both cheeks and a medel for that job. And its the first time I evergot anything but a headache by going on a party.