Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding

by Henry Fielding

  OLDCASTLE. Services!

  LETTICE. Services! yes, sir, services; and to let you see I think you fit for a husband, I’ll have you myself! Who can be more proper for a husband than a man of your age and taste? for I think you could not have the conscience to live above a year, or a year and a half at most: and I think a good plentiful jointure would make amends for one’s enduring you as long as that; provided we live in separate parts of the house, and one had a good handsome groom of the chambers to attend one.

  AIR IV. Hark, hark, the Cock crows.

  When a lover like you

  Does a woman pursue,

  She must have little wit in her brain, sir;

  If for better and worse

  She takes not the purse,

  Alas, with her sighing poor swain, sir!

  Though hugged to her wishes,

  Amidst empty dishes

  Much hunger her stomach may prove, sir;

  But a pocket of gold,

  As full as ‘twill hold,

  Will still find her food for her love, sir.

  OLDCASTLE. You are an impertinent, impudent baggage! and I have a mind to — I am out of breath with passion; and I shall not recover it this half hour. [Exit.

  SCENE V.

  LETTICE, RAKEIT.

  LETTICE. A very pretty lover for a young lady, indeed.

  RAKEIT. Your servant, Mrs. Lettice; what have you and the great Squire Oldcastle been entertaining one another with?

  LETTICE. With his passion for your young mistress, or rather her passion for him. I have been bantering him till he is in such a rage, that I actually doubt whether he will not beat her or no.

  RAKEIT. Will you never leave off your frolics, since we must pay for them? You have put him out of humour; now will he go and put my lady out of humour; and then we may be all beaten, for aught I know.

  LETTICE. Well, sirrah! and do you think I had not rather twenty such as you should be eaten to death than my master should be robbed of his mistress?

  RAKEIT. Your humble servant, madam: you need not take any great pains to convince me of your fondness for your master. I believe he has more mistresses than what are in our house; but, hang it, I am too polite to be jealous; and if he has done me the favour with you, why, perhaps, I may return it one day with somebody else. I am not the first gentleman of the party-coloured regiment who has been even with his master.

  LETTICE. Not with such gentlemen as Mr. Valentine. Indeed, with your little, pert, skipping beaus, I don’t know what may happen. Such masters and their men are often, both in dress and behaviour, so very like one another, that a woman may be innocently false, and mistake the one for the other. Nay, I don’t know whether such a change as you mention may not be sometimes for the better.

  AIR V. As down in a meadow, &c.

  See John and his master as together they pass,

  Or see them admiring themselves in the glass:

  Each cocks fierce his hat, each struts and looks big,

  Both have lace on their coat, and a bag to their wig.

  Both swear, and both rattle, both game, and both drink,

  When neither can write, or can read, or e’er think.

  Say then where the difference lies if you can.

  Faith! widows, you’d give it on the side of the man.

  RAKEIT. But, my dear Lettice, I do not approve this match in our families.

  LETTICE. Why so?

  RAKEIT. You know how desperate his circumstances are, and she has no fortune.

  LETTICE. She hath indeed no fortune of her own; but her aunt Highman is very rich.

  RAKEIT. She will be little the better for’t.

  LETTICE. Then there’s the chance of both her brothers’ death: besides an uncle in Yorkshire, who hath but five children only, one of which hath never had the smallpox: nay, there are not above sixteen or seventeen between her and an Irish barony.

  RAKEIT. Ay, this lady would make a fine fortune after two or three good plagues. In short, I find there is but little hopes on our side, and if there be no more on yours —

  LETTICE. Oh yes, there are hopes enough on ours. There is hopes of my young master’s growing better, for I am sure there is no possibility of his growing worse. Hopes of my old master’s staying abroad. Hopes of his being drowned if he attempts coming home. Hopes of the stars falling —

  RAKEIT. Dear Mrs. Lettice, do not jest with such serious things as hunger and thirst. Do you seriously think that all your master’s entertainments are at an end?

  LETTICE. So far from it, that he is this day to give a grand entertainment to your mistress and about a dozen more gentlemen and ladies.

  RAKEIT. My chops begin to water. I find your master is a very honest fellow, and it is possible may hold out two or three weeks longer.

  LETTICE. You are mistaken, sir, there will be no danger of his giving any more entertainments; for there is a certain gentleman called an Upholsterer, who the moment that the company is gone, is to make his entrance into the house, and carry every thing out on’t.

  RAKEIT. A very good way, faith, of furnishing a house to receive a wife in; your master has set me a very good pattern against you and I marry, Mrs. Lettice.

  LETTICE. Saucebox! Do you think I’ll have you?

  RAKEIT. Unless I can provide better for myself.

  LETTICE. Well, that I am fond of thee I am certain, and what I am fond of I can’t imagine; unless it be thy invincible impudence.

  RAKEIT. Why, faith, I think I have the impudence of a gentleman, and there is nothing better to succeed with the ladies.

  AIR VI.

  When modesty sues for a favour,

  What answers the politic lass?

  LET. That she mightily likes his behaviour,

  And thinks in her heart he’s an ass;

  And thinks in her heart he’s an ass.

  RAKE. But when bolder impudence rushes,

  And manfully seizes her charms!

  LET. Lard! you’re rude, sir, she cries, then she blushes,

  And folds the brisk youth in her arms.

  And folds, &c. [Exeunt

  SCENE VI.

  VALENTINE, TRICK.

  VALENTINE. You say I owe you five hundred pounds, principal and interest?

  TRICK. Yes, sir; you will please to cast it up yourself and I believe our accounts will correspond.

  VALENTINE. I’ll take your word for it, sir; and if you please to let me have five hundred more, I shall owe you a thousand.

  TRICK. Sir, the money was none of my own, I had it from another; and it must be paid, sir; he hath called it in.

  VALENTINE. He may call as long as he pleases; but till I call it in, it will signify not much, sir. I have thought of an expedient, if the money you lent me was another’s, and he be impatient for it; you may pay him off: lay me down the other five hundred, and take the whole debt upon yourself.

  TRICK. I am quite out of cash, sir, or you know you might command me; and therefore I hope you will not put off the payment any longer.

  VALENTINE. I am extremely busy to-day, and beg you would call another time.

  TRICK. I have called so often, that I am quite weary of calling; and if I am not paid within these three days, I shall send a lawyer for my money — and so your servant. [Exit.

  SCENE VII.

  VALENTINE, TRUSTY.

  VALENTINE. So, honest Trusty, what success?

  TRUSTY. I went to the jeweller’s with the ring which your honour told me cost an hundred pounds, but he refused to give me any more than fifty for it, so I e’en took that.

  VALENTINE. Very well.

  TRUSTY. AS for the old silver bowl which your father valued at fourscore pounds, Mr. Whiting said, there was so much reckoned for the fashion; and that it was so old and ungenteel, that he offered me but twenty: but I knew your honour wanted money, and so I took it.

  VALENTINE. Very well.

  TRUSTY. The gold repeating watch I carried to the maker, and told him he had received fifty odd guineas f
or it two years ago; but he said it was much the worse for wearing; and that the nobility and gentry run so much into pinchbeck, that he had not disposed of two gold watches this month. However, he said he would give half; and I thought that better than nothing, so I let him have it.

  VALENTINE. Very well.

  TRUSTY. But this was nothing to that rogue in Monmouth Street, who offered me but sixteen pounds for the two suits of fine clothes, that I dare swear stood your honour in above an hundred pounds. I flew into a great passion with him, and have brought them back.

  VALENTINE. You should have taken the money.

  TRUSTY. One piece of surprising good fortune was the saving of your medals, which as I was just going to dispose of, a gentleman whispered in my ear, that a certain knight, that would be in town in a fortnight, would give six times as much for them.

  VALENTINE. A fortnight! what of a fortnight! A fortnight’s an age. I would not give a shilling for the reversion of an estate so long to come. Here, give me what money you have brought, and go and dispose of the rest immediately.

  TRUSTY. But, sir, I wish your honour would consider: for my part, I dread my old master’s coming home; and yet, if he does not, what you will do any longer Heaven knows.

  VALENTINE. Don’t trouble thyself about that; but go execute my commands. [Exit Trusty.

  AIR VII. Excuse me.

  Let misers with sorrow to-day,

  Lay up for to-morrow’s array,

  Like Tantalus thirsty, who craves

  Drink, up to his chin in the waves.

  But Fortune, like women, to-day may be kind,

  And yield to your mind,

  To-morrow she goes,

  And on others bestows

  The blessing.

  The lover, who yields to the fair one’s delay,

  Oft loses the day.

  Then fly to her arms,

  For we are sure of her charms

  When possessing.

  SCENE VIII.

  Enter SERVANT.

  SERVANT. Sir, a gentleman in mourning desires to see you.

  VALENTINE. Show him in. [Exit Servant.] Would my dear Charlotte were here!

  SCENE IX.

  VALENTINE, SLAP.

  VALENTINE. Your most obedient servant, sir; I have not the honour of knowing you, sir.

  SLAP. I believe you do not, sir; I ask pardon, but I have a small writ against you.

  VALENTINE. A writ against me!

  SLAP. Don’t be uneasy, sir; it is only for a trifle, sir; about two hundred pounds.

  VALENTINE. What must I do, sir?

  SLAP. Oh, sir! whatever you please; only pay the money, or give bail, which you please.

  VALENTINE. I can do neither of them this instant, and I expect company every moment. I suppose, sir, you’ll take my word till to-morrow morning?

  SLAP. Oh yes, sir; with all my heart. If you will be so good as to step to my house hard by, you shall be extremely well used, and I’ll take your word.

  VALENTINE. Your house! ‘sdeath, you rascal!

  SLAP. Nay, sir, ‘Tis in vain to bully.

  VALENTINE. Nay, then! — who’s there — my servants.

  [Enter Servants.] Here, kick this fellow down stairs.

  SLAP. This is a rescue, remember that — a rescue, sir; I’ll have my lord chief justice’s warrant.

  [Slap is forced off by the Servants.

  SCENE X.

  VALENTINE, CHARLOTTE.

  CHARLOTTE. Oh, Valentine! what’s the matter? I am frightened to death. Swords drawn! Oh my heart! you are not hurt?

  VALENTINE. By none but you, my love; I have no wounds but those you can cure.

  CHARLOTTE. Heaven be praised! But what was the occasion of this bustle?

  VALENTINE. Nothing, my dear, but a couple of fencing masters — I happened to turn about, and one of them cut me on the back; that’s all.

  CHARLOTTE. You see the dangers I run on your account; should my aunt know of my being here, I should be undone for ever. Nay, and what the rest of the company will think when they see me here before them I dread to imagine.

  VALENTINE. You know you have it in your power to silence the tongues of the world whenever you please: and, oh, Charlotte! I wish you would this day consent to make this house your reputable home.

  CHARLOTTE. Press me not, Valentine: for whatever be the consequence, if you should, I feel I cannot deny you.

  AIR VIII. Spring’s a coming.

  Virgins wary

  Would ne’er miscarry,

  If lovers would take a denial or two:

  If he pursues her still,

  Can she refuse him still,

  What she herself hath a mind to do?

  VAL. Turtles, though with each other they die,

  Shall be less constant and fond than I:

  For April’s soft showers,

  Nor June’s sweet flowers,

  In softness and sweetness with thee can vie.

  CHARL. Turtles, though, &c.

  CHARLOTTE. Could I be assured of your constancy; could I find you always fond and endearing as now; believe me, it would not be in the power of fortune to make me miserable.

  VALENTINE. If thou canst place any confidence in vows, I know not how to bind myself faster to you than I have done already; but you have a better, which is in your own merit. Believe me, Charlotte, men are more constant than you imagine. He that marries for money, is constant to the love of his wife’s money. He that marries for beauty is commonly constant while that beauty lasts; and a love that’s fixed on merit, as mine, will be constant while that endures.

  CHARLOTTE. Well, we must all run a risk, believe me; as to the point of fortune, it is the least of my thoughts. A woman who can carry her prudence so far as that, cheats you when she pretends to love. Love reigns alone in every breast it inhabits, and, in my opinion, makes us amends for the absence of Madam Prudence, and all her train.

  VALENTINE. Thou dearest girl, this night shall make me thine.

  AIR IX. Polworth on the Green.

  Come, Charlotte, let’s be gay,

  Let’s enjoy ourselves to-day;

  To-morrow’s in the hands of the powers,

  To-day alone is ours.

  Let fools for wealth

  Spend time and health;

  While we, more happy, try,

  In each soft kiss,

  Transporting bliss,

  Which treasures ne’er can buy.

  CHARL. Let age grave lessons preach

  ‘Gainst what she cannot reach;

  Let prudes condemn what they esteem,

  All fools our joys impeach.

  BOTH. Let fools, &c.

  ACT II.

  SCENE I.

  VALENTINE and company seated, as after dinner.

  VALENTINE. Call in the dancers. I hope, ladies, your good nature will make you as kind to this part of the entertainment as it hath to the other.

  MARQUIS. Je vous félicite de votre gout ravissant. Monsieur Valentine, mais allons! dancons nous mesmes.

  VALENTINE. My father arrived say you?

  LETTICE. Yes, sir, and will be here instantly.

  VALENTINE. Death and hell! What shall I do, Lettice? I must trust to the contrivance of thy brain or I am undone.

  LETTICE. Well, I will do the best I can for you; in the meantime be not chagrined, enjoy your friends, and take no notice of it. I will lie perdue for him, and meet him at the door. Be sure to keep close garrison, and after I am gone out, open the doors to none.

  VALENTINE. Send thee good luck, my best wench. Come, gentlemen and ladies, what say you? are you for cards or hazard?

  ALL. Hazard, hazard.

  MARQUIS. Hazard! ma voix est toujours pour hazard! [Exeunt.

  SCENE II.

  GOODALL, LETTICE, and SERVANT with a portmanteau.

  GOODALL. This cursed stage-coach from Portsmouth hath fatigued me more than my voyage from the Cape of Good Hope: but, Heaven be praised, I am once more arrived within sight of my own doors. I can
not help thinking how pleased my son will be to see me returned a full year sooner than my intention.

  LETTICE. He would be much more pleased to hear you were at the Cape of Good Hope yet. [Aside.

  GOODALL. I hope I shall find my poor boy at home. I dare swear he will die with joy to see me.

  LETTICE. I believe he’s half dead already: But now for you, my good master. [Aside.] Bless me! what do I see? An apparition?

  GOODALL. Lettice!

  LETTICE. Is it my dear master Goodall returned, or is it the devil in his shape? Is it you, sir, is it positively you yourself?