Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding

by Henry Fielding

  GOODALL. Even so. How do you, Lettice?

  LETTICE. Much at your honour’s service. I am heartily glad to see your honour in such good health. Why, the air of the Indies hath agreed vastly with you. Indeed, sir, you ought to have stayed a little longer there for the sake of your health — and our quiet. [Aside.

  GOODALL. Well, but how does my son do? And how hath he behaved himself in my absence? I hope he hath taken great care of my affairs.

  LETTICE. I’ll answer for him, he hath put your affairs into a condition that will surprise you, take my word for it.

  GOODALL. I warrant you he is every day in the Alley. Stocks have gone just as I imagined! and if he followed my advice, he must have amassed a vast sum of money.

  LETTICE. Not a farthing, sir.

  GOODALL. How, how, how!

  LETTICE. Sir, he hath paid it out as fast as it came in.

  GOODALL. How!

  LETTICE. Put it out, I mean, sir, to interest, to interest, sir; why, our house hath been a perfect fair ever since you went, people coming for money every hour of the day.

  GOODALL. That’s very well done, and I long to see my dear boy. [To Lettice.] Knock at the door.

  LETTICE. He is not at home, sir — and if you have such a desire to see him —

  SCENE III.

  SECURITY, GOODALL, LETTICE.

  SECURITY. Your servant, Mrs. Lettice.

  LETTICE. Your servant, Mr. Security. — Here’s a rogue of a usurer, who hath found a very proper time to ask for his money in.

  SECURITY. Do you know, Mrs. Lettice, that I am weary of following your master day after day in this manner, without finding him; and that, if he does not pay me to-day, I shall sue out an execution directly. A thousand pounds are a sum —

  GOODALL. What, what, what’s this I hear?

  LETTICE. I’ll explain it to you by and by, sir.

  GOODALL. Does my son owe you a thousand pounds?

  SECURITY. Your son! sir.

  GOODALL. Yes, sir, this woman’s young master, who lives at that house, Mr. Valentine Goodall, is my son.

  SECURITY. Yes, sir, he does; and I am very glad you are returned to pay it me.

  GOODALL. There go two words though to that bargain.

  LETTICE. I believe, sir, you will do it with a great deal of joy, when you know that his owing this money is purely an effect of his good conduct.

  GOODALL. Good conduct! Owing money good conduct!

  LETTICE. Yes, sir, he hath bought a house of the price of two thousand pounds, which every one says is worth more than four; and this he could not have done without borrowing this thousand pounds. I am sure, sir, I and he, and Trusty, ran all over the town to get the money, that he might not lose so good a bargain. — I believe there will not go many words to the payment on’t now. [Aside.

  GOODALL. I am overjoyed at my son’s behaviour. — Sir, you need give yourself no pain about the money; return tomorrow morning, and you shall receive it.

  SECURITY. Sir, your word is sufficient for a much greater sum; and I am your very humble servant. [Exit.

  GOODALL. Well, but tell me a little: in what part of the town hath my son bought this house?

  LETTICE. In what part of the town?

  GOODALL. Yes, there are, you know, some quarters better than others — as for example, this here —

  LETTICE. Well, and it is in this that it stands.

  GOODALL. What, not the great house yonder, is it?

  LETTICE. No, no, no; do you see that house yonder — where the windows seem to have been just cleaned?

  GOODALL. Yes.

  LETTICE. It is not that — and a little beyond, you see another very large house, higher than any other in the square.

  GOODALL. I do.

  LETTICE. But it is not that — Take particular notice of the house opposite to it, a very handsome house, is it not?

  GOODALL. Yes, indeed is it.

  LETTICE. That is not the house — but you may see one with great gates before it, almost opposite to another that fronts a street, at the end of which stands the house which your son hath bought.

  GOODALL. There is no good house in that street, as I remember, but Mrs. Highman’s.

  LETTICE. That’s the very house.

  GOODALL. That is a very good bargain, indeed; but how comes a woman in her circumstances to sell her house?

  LETTICE. It is impossible, sir, to account for people’s actions; besides, she is out of her senses.

  GOODALL. Out of her senses!

  LETTICE. Yes, sir, her family hath taken out a commission of lunacy against her; and her son, who is a most abandoned prodigal, hath sold all she had for half its value.

  GOODALL. Son! why she was not married when I went away.

  LETTICE. No, sir; but to the great surprise of every one, and to the great scandal of all our sex, there appeared all of a sudden a very lusty young fellow, of the age of three-andtwenty, whom she owned to have been her son, and that his father was a grenadier in the first regiment of guards.

  GOODALL. Oh, monstrous!

  LETTICE. Ah, sir! if every child in this city knew his own father; if children were to inherit only the estates of those who begot them, it would cause a great confusion in inheritances.

  AIR X. Pierot’s Dance.

  Were all women’s secrets known,

  Did each father know his own,

  Many a son now bred to trade,

  Then had shined in rich brocade.

  Many cits

  Had been wits,

  In estate, though not in sense;

  Many beaus

  Birthday clothes

  Had not worn at cits’ expense.

  For did our women, wise, indeed,

  Contrive no way to mend the breed,

  Our sparks such pretty masters grow,

  So spruce, so taper, and so low;

  From Britons tall,

  Our heroes shall

  Be Lilliputians all.

  GOODALL. Well, but I stand here talking too long: knock at the door.

  LETTICE. What shall I do? — [ Aside.

  GOODALL. You seem in a consternation! No accident hath happened to my son, I hope!

  LETTICE. No, sir, but —

  GOODALL. But! but what? Hath any one robbed me in my absence?

  LETTICE. No, sir: not absolutely robbed you, sir. — What shall I say?

  GOODALL. Explain yourself: speak!

  LETTICE. Oh, sir! I can withhold my tears no longer. Enter not, I beseech you, sir, your house, sir; your dear house, that you and I, and my poor young master, loved so much, within these six months —

  GOODALL. What of my house within these six months?

  LETTICE. Hath been haunted, sir, with the most terrible apparitions that were ever heard or beheld. — You’d think the devil himself had taken possession of it! Nay, I believe he hath, too: all the wild noises in the universe; the squeaking of pigs, the grinding of knives, the whetting of saws, the whistling of winds, the roaring of seas, the hooting of owls, the howling of wolves, the braying of asses, the squalling of children, and the scolding of wives, all put together, make not so hideous a concert. This I myself have heard; nay, and I have seen such sights! One with about twenty heads, and a hundred eyes, and mouths, and noses in each.

  GOODALL. Heyday; the wench is mad. Stand from before the door; I’ll see whether the devil can keep me out from my own house. Haunted, indeed!

  LETTICE. Sir, I have a friendship for you; and you shall not go in.

  GOODALL. How! not go into my own house?

  LETTICE. No, sir, not till the devil is driven out on’t: there are two priests at work upon him now. Hark, I think the devils are dancing. Nay, sir, you may listen yourself, and get in too, if you can. [Laughing within.

  GOODALL. Ha! by all that’s gracious, I hear a noise.

  LETTICE. I have nothing but this monstrous superstition to rely on. [Shriek within.

  GOODALL. Oh, heavens! what monstrous squalling is that?

  L
ETTICE. Why, sir, I’m surprised you should think I would impose upon you. I assure you, your house is haunted by a whole legion of devils. Your whole family hath been driven out of it; and this was one reason why your son bought Madam High man’s house, not being able to live any longer in this.

  GOODALL. I am in a cold sweat! What, my son left this house!

  LETTICE. Oh, sir! I am sure, had you known the terrors we underwent for a whole fortnight, especially poor I, sir, who lay every night frightened with the sight of the most monstrous large things, fearing every minute what they would do to me —

  GOODALL. Can all this be true, or are you imposing on me? I have, indeed, heard of such things as apparitions., on just causes, and believe in them; but why they should haunt my house, I can’t imagine.

  LETTICE. Why, sir, they tell me, before you bought the house, there was a murder committed in it.

  GOODALL. I must inquire into all these things: but, in the mean time, I must send this portmanteau to my son’s new house.

  LETTICE. No, sir, that’s a little improper at present.

  GOODALL. What, is that house haunted? Hath the devil taken possession of that house too?

  LETTICE. No, sir, but Madam Highman hath not yet quitted possession of it. I told you before, sir, that she was out of her senses; and if any one does but mention the sale of her house to her, it throws her into the most violent convulsions.

  GOODALL. Well, well, I shall know how to humour her madness.

  LETTICE. I wish, sir, for a clay or two —

  GOODALL. You throw me out of all manner of patience. I am resolved I will go thither this instant.

  LETTICE. Here she is herself: but pray remember the condition she is in, and don’t do any thing to chagrin her.

  SCENE IV.

  LETTICE, GOODALL, MRS. HIGHMAN.

  MRS. HIGHMAN. What do I see! Mr. Goodall returned?

  LETTICE. Yes, madam, it is him; but, alas! he’s not himself — he’s distracted; his losses in this voyage have turned his brain, and he’s become a down right lunatic.

  MRS. HIGHMAN. I am heartily concerned for his misfortune. Poor gentleman!

  LETTICE. If he should speak to you by chance, have no regard to what he says; we are going to shut him up in a mad-house with all expedition.

  MRS. HIGHMAN. [Aside.] He hath a strange wandering in his countenance.

  GOODALL. [Aside.] How miserably she is altered! She hath a terrible look with her eyes!

  MRS. HIGHMAN. Mr. Goodall, your very humble servant. I am glad to see you returned, though I am sorry for your misfortune.

  GOODALL. I must have patience, and trust in Heaven, and in the power of the priests, who are now endeavouring to lay those wicked spirits with which my house is haunted.

  MRS. HIGHMAN. His house haunted; poor man! But I must not contradict him; that would make him worse.

  GOODALL. In the mean time, Mrs. Highman, I should be obliged to you, if you would let me order my portmanteau to your house.

  MRS. HIGHMAN. My house is at your service; and I desire you would use it in the same manner as your own.

  GOODALL. I would not, madam, on any account, insult your unfortunate condition — Lettice, this lady docs not carry any marks of madness about her.

  LETTICE. She has some lucid intervals, sir; but her fit will soon return.

  GOODALL. I am extremely sorry for your misfortune, Mrs. Highman; which, indeed, had I not been so well assured of, I could not have believed. But I have known some in your way, who, during the intervals of their fits, have talked very reasonably: therefore, give me leave to ask you the cause of your frenzy. For I much question whether this commission of lunacy, that has been taken out against you, be not without sufficient proof.

  MRS. HIGHMAN. A commission of lunacy against me! Me!

  GOODALL. Lettice, I see she is worse than I imagined.

  MRS. HIGHMAN. However, if you are not more mischievous than you at present seem, I think it is wrong in them to confine you in a madhouse.

  GOODALL. Confine me! Ha, ha, ha! this is turning the tables upon me, indeed! But, Mrs. Highman, I would not have you be uneasy that your house is sold; at least, it is better for you that my son hath bought it than another; for you shall have an apartment in it still, in the same manner as if it was still your own, and you were in your senses.

  MRS. HIGHMAN. What’s all this? As if I were still in my senses Let me tell you, Mr. Goodall, you are a poor distracted wretch, and ought to have an apartment in a dark room, and clean straw.

  GOODALL. Since you come to that, madam, I shall show you the nearest way out of doors; and I give you warning to take away your things; for I shall fill all the rooms with goods within these few days.

  SCENE V.

  LETTICE, GOODALL, MRS. HIGHMAN, SLAP, CONSTABLE, and ASSISTANTS.

  SLAP. That’s the door, Mr. Constable.

  LETTICE. What’s to be done now, I wonder?

  CONSTABLE. Open the door, in the King’s name, or I shall break it open.

  GOODALL. Who are you, sir, in the devil’s name? And what do you want in that house?

  SLAP. Sir, I have a prisoner there; and I have my lord chief justice’s warrant against him.

  GOODALL. For what sum, sir? Are you a justice of peace?

  SLAP. I am one of his majesty’s officers, sir; and this day I arrested one Mr. Valentine Goodall, who lives in this house, for two hundred pounds: his servants have rescued him; and I have a judge’s warrant for the rescue.

  GOODALL. What do I hear! But harkye, friend, that house you are going to break open is haunted; and there is no one in it but a couple of priests, who are laying the devil.

  SLAP. I warrant you I lay the devil better than all the priests in Europe. Come, Mr. Constable, do your office; I have no time to lose. Sir, I have several other writs to execute before night.

  LETTICE. I have defended my pass as long as I can; and now I think it is no cowardice to steal off. [Exit.

  SCENE VI.

  COLONEL BLUFF, MONSIEUR LE MARQUIS, SLAP, GOODALL, CONSTABLE.

  COLONEL BLUFF. What, in the devil’s name, is the meaning of this riot? What is the reason, scoundrels, that you dare disturb gentlemen who are getting as drunk as lords?

  SLAP. Sir, we have authority for what we do.

  COLONEL BLUFF. Damn your authority, sir! If you don’t go about your business, I shall show you my authority, and send yon all to the devil.

  SLAP. It is he! I have a warrant against him too. I wish it was in my pocket.

  CONSTABLE. Mr. Slap, shall we knock him down?

  SLAP. Sir, I desire you would give us leave to enter the house, and seize our prisoner.

  COLONEL BLUFF. Not I, upon my honour, sir.

  MONSIEUR. Que veut due cette bruit quelle vilain Anglois! quelle pouscon ventre bleu! Allons! Monsieur le Colonel! allons! frappons!

  SLAP. If you oppose us any longer, I shall proceed to force.

  COLONEL BLUFF. If you love force, I’ll show you the way, you dogs. [Colonel drives them off.

  GOODALL. I find I am distracted! I am stark raving mad! I am undone, ruined, cheated, imposed on! But, please Heaven, I’ll go see what’s in my house.

  COLONEL BLUFF. Hold, sir, you must not enter here.

  GOODALL. Not enter into my own house, sir?

  COLONEL BLUFF. No, sir; if it be yours, you must not come within it.

  MONSIEUR. Il ne faut pas entrer icy.

  GOODALL. Gentlemen, I only beg to speak with the master of the house.

  COLONEL BLUFF. Sir, the master of the house desires to speak with no such fellows as you are: you are not fit company for any of the gentlemen in this house.

  GOODALL. Sir, the master of this house is my son.

  COLONEL BLUFF. Sir, your most obedient humble servant: I am overjoyed to see you returned. Give me leave, sir, to introduce you to this gentleman. Monsieur le Marquis, quelque chose, le père de Monsieur Valentine.

  MONSIEUR. Ah, Monsieur, que je suis ravi de vous voir.

&n
bsp; GOODALL. Gentlemen, your most obedient humble servant.

  COLONEL BLUFF. Give me leave to tell you, sir, you have the honour of being father to one of the finest gentlemen of the age: a man, so accomplished, so well bred, and so generous, that I believe he never would part with a guest while he had a shilling in his pocket; nor, indeed, while he could borrow one.