Cheers to the good life

by Lorena Franco

  Alexander'sgreeneyesglazedoverwithangerandshame.Hedidhisbesttosaveface,and stormedoutofthepub.WhataChristmasEve...Pablocameuptomeandhuggedmybodythat onceagain,tremblingwithnerves.Alejandrowasstillhurting...

  Chapter12

  Deathisn’ttheGreatTragedy.

  Thedreamsweletdieinsideofus

  whilelivingistheGreatTragedy.

  “NormanCousins”

  TicTocTicToc...thecountdowntobidfarewelltomyintense2012,hadarrived.PabloandI gulpeddowngrapeswhilewelaughedateachother.Wereceivedthe2013withapassionate kiss and an intense hug. The best start of the year for me, among all the ones I had in my previouslife.Iwouldn’tchangeanythingintheworldforthisnewlifeoffallinginlovenot eveninmydreams.

  We hadn’t heard from Alejandro, but we knew that night he would go out alone. As his cousinClarasaid,"AlejandronotpartyingatNewYear'sEve?Impossible."Ididn’twantto leavethingsasweleftthemonChristmasEveandPablosupportedmydecision.Ihadn’tyet told him about the abortion my body suffered months ago and that it was the trigger that deteriorated a "lifelong" relationship with Alejandro. Because it was something that did not belongtome,itwasnotmine...mystorywithAlejandrolastedonlytwomonths,ithadbeen yearsforhim.Toomanyyears.Formeeverythingwasintense,surrealandromantic.Forhim thereweremoremomentsofbitternessandnoteventhosetwohappymonthscouldmakeupfor suchastormypast.Ithadbeenjusttoomuchforhim.

  Clara was not mistaken. That night Alejandro left alone, more relaxed and calm than on ChristmasEve.Heseemedtobethesameasalwaysandnotthatboisterousjerkaccompanied bythatPortuguesedramaqueen.Itookadvantageofthemomentheleftthepubsinktostophim andtalktohim.

  "Hello,"Isaidsmiling.Luckily,hesmiledbackatme.

  "I'msorryabouttheotherday."

  "Forgetabout it. Ididn’t want usto end like thatbefore you headout for Aveiro." Pablo watchedusfromthebar.

  "Ididn’twantustoenditlikethat...,"hemimicked,smilingsadlyandlookingdown.For you, we’re through, right? There’s nothing else left say. You’re in love, it’s written all over yourface.

  "IfIsayI'veforgottenyou,I'dbelyingtoyou."

  "We'vebeenthroughmanythings...it'snormal."

  "I-"Notforme,Ithought."Butyou’reright,I’minlovewithPablo"-mywordshurthim.

  Butheforcedasmile,bentdownandkissedmycheek.

  "Tellhimtotakecareofyou.Andbehappy."Iwantedtocry.Isawtearsforminginhis eyes.Andyetwewentourseparatewaysasifnothinghadhappenedandcontinuedwithour separatelives.

  Atsixinthemorning,PabloandIdecidedtogohome.Alejandrowasstumblingaroundthe pub,drinkingandcarousingwiththeladies-happytoattracttheattentionofsuchanattractive man.Theprinceoftheirdreams...theperfectson-in-law,theidealfatheroftheirchildren...I didn’texpectsomethinglikethat,ithurttoseehimflirtwithothersasifnothing,asifhehad alsoturnedthepagesuddenlytoanewchapter,asifhehadalreadyforgottenmeforever,asif henolongerwantedme...notme,northeusualMarta,whowasnolongerinthatbody.Ifelt unjustlydisappointed,rememberingtheoldsaying“what’sgoodforthegooseisgoodforthe gander”asmygrandmotheralwaysusedtosay.

  Myfirstdreamof2013wasstrange.Ghosts,criesofababy,darkness,overcastskies,noisy thunder...andthecityofNewYorkIknewsowell.ThenextdayIwokeupsick,asifIhadnot keptmyeyeonallmymorningsleep.Ilookedoutthewindow.Thedaywasgray,strange...I had a bad feeling, an eerie feeling that something bad was going to happen. At three in the afternoon,mytragicthoughtscametrue.Thetelephonerang.Iclumsilycaughthimlookingat Pablo,whosleptsoundly.ItwasFelisa,Ibarelyunderstoodwhatshewassaying.Shespoke quicklyandhastily,cryingdisconsolately.

  "Felisa,please.Idon’tunderstandyou.Slowdown..."

  Shespoke3wordsslowly.ButIwishshehadn’t.IwishIhadn’tunderstoodherandwould havegonebacktosleepasifshenevercalled.ALEJANDROISDEAD,shemanagedtosay

  betweensobs.Thephonebecameunimportant,slippedfrommyhandsandfelltothefloor.My handstrembledandmyeyesbegantoshedtears.Many.Icoveredmymouthtomakenonoise anddisappearedfromtheroom.Littlebylittle,Istepbystep...awkwardlyandwithmyhead aching.AsIsteppedontotheterrace,thetearsseemedtovanishforamomentasIfeltthewind on my face. I screamed. To heaven, to Saint Peter, to the very face of death ... hoping to see Alejandro’sspiritinsomecorner,perhapsrooftops.

  "YoualreadyhaveMartawithyounow..."Iwhispered,cryingevenmore.Imaginingthem intheskyliketwoslimandbeautifulfigures,happy,fulloflightandpeace.Fusinginprecious kisses,nomatterwhathappenedbetweentheminlife...Iwantedtoimaginetheconfusionthat AlejandrowouldfeelwhencrossingthetunnelandmeetingMarta...withhisMarta.Andleave behindtheswindlerwhohadmadehimhappyfortwobeautifulsummermonthsinabodythat didn’tbelongtoher...shewasjusttheoccupant.Notevenaskingforpermission.

  After half an hour, Pablo went out onto the terrace. I was trembling; cold, ashamed, of angry...

  "Whatareyoudoinghere?You'regoingtogetsick,"hesaidworriedly,liftingmeoffthe floor.Ihuggedhimtightly."What'swrong?"

  "Alejandroisdead,"Iwhispered,myeyesfilledwithtears.

  "How?heaskedincredulously."Whathappened?"

  "Idonotknow..."

  "Doyouwantmetocallsomeone?"Inodded.IgavehimmyphoneandpointedtoFelisa's number.

  At six that evening, I met my friends. Everyone was dressed in black, their faces were pale, haggard and very, very tearful. The worst thing was to know how Alejandro died. At eight o'clock in the morning, he decided to drive the car home after drinking heavily... he wasn’t goinghome,hewasactuallygoingtoseeme.Awildboarappearedinthemiddleoftheroad, andhetriedtoavoidit.Hiscarveeredofftheroadandhediedinstantly.Whentheambulance came,anhourlater,afterreceivingacallfromamanwhowenttoworkinhisgardensawthe tragicaccident,therewasnothingtheycoulddotosavehislife...andIwasstillwaitingfor him.Toseeitinanycorner,sittingwithaCocaColainhand...smilingatme...lookingatme asonlyheknewhow.Walkingthroughthebardoor.Sohandsome,sotall...brushingawaya lock of hair off his forehead, being the center of all female attention... What could he have possiblywanted?Whydidhewanttoseeme?Whatdidhewanttotalkabout?Lifeisfullof bad decisions, he made the worst. Wanting to see me instead of going to sleep at his house threeblocksawaywalkingfromthepub.Wherehewouldbesafeandsound,twodaysleftto go back to Aveiro and continue his promising life. To be happy. But he was dead ... and my headwasgoingtoexplode.

  "This is all so difficult ... Especially for you Marta, I'm so sorry ..." Silvia lamented, hugging me. Felisa hadn’t left my side for a second and Pablo accompanied me in silence.

  Respectfulandaffectionate.

  Onceagain,IrememberedwhenSaintPetersatnexttomeonthatterraceinAveiro.Telling methattherearebadmomentsinlife...butIthoughtitcouldalwaysbeworse,remembering thatimageoflifeintheseventeenthcentury.Wasthereanythingworsethanthedeathofaloved one?Orhistotaldisappearance?OnceIdied...notsolongago,IreturnedinabodyIlearned tobefullyhappywith-finally-withAlejandro.Andnowhewasgone.Worstofallwasnot knowingwherehewas...CouldhebepresentamongusasaspiritandIcouldn’tseehim?

  Alejandro'sbodywastransferredtothefuneralparlorwheremyoctogenarianangelhadbeen twomonthsago.
Theroomwasfilledwithpeopledespitethelatehoursofthenight.Whata way to start the new year ... with infinite grief. Alejandro's parents knew me; I hadn’t seen them in a while until that moment. Alejandro looked like both of them. He had his mother’s greeneyesandhisfather’sthefacewithamarkedjawandchiseledchin.Theybothhuggedme, theywereshatteredwhichwaslogical.Thatroomwasfloodedwithtears,ofpain...oflove.

  "I'm sorry ..." I did not know their names, and if Alejandro ever told me, I couldn’t remembertheirnames.

  "Thisistoomuch...Ican’thandlethis..."hermotherwasonthevergeofsuccumbingtoa

  faintingspell.

  Iwentoutsidetositonabenchandsmokeacigarette.Thewholesituationoverwhelmed me,itwastooghastlyforme...

  "You've seen him?" Pablo asked, sitting down beside me. I hadn’t even realized he’d followedme.

  "No..."

  "Would you like to see him?" I looked at Pablo. He was also saddened by Alejandro’s deathofeventhoughhedidn’tknowhimandtherewassomerivalrybetweenthem.ButIknew thathissadnesscarriedsomethingmore;ThedoubtofwhatIwasfeelingatthatmomenthurt him.

  "Iloveyou,"Isaidconfidently.Hesmiledandhuggedmeforalongtime...somuchthatI closedmyeyesandfellasleepinhisarmswhilegentlycaressingmyhair.

  Hundreds of people attended Alejandro’s funeral. It was ironic that in Laura's twenty-eight years I only attended my grandparents' funerals. Four funerals in twenty-eight years ... As Marta,inlessthansixmonths,two.AndbothofpeopleIcaredabout.WasthatwhyIwassent back?Itwasclearthattheimportantthingsinlifearethoselittlemomentsthatbecomegreat over time. The small details and the people who are part of our day to day. Love. I had completely ruled out of myself selfishness and all material wealth that had no value. I had learned to LOVE in record time, to do things for others without expecting anything in return.

  And now this, I was being punished again, although I no longer felt that living Marta's body wasapunishment.

  Isatinthefourthrow,behindAlejandro'simmediatefamily,alongwithFelisaandPablo.At my side, my inseparable Kleenex package that I’d used so much during the last few hours.

  Morethanever.Mynoseandeyeredwithirritationfromallthecrying...thereseemedtobe notearsleft...butIstillhadn’treachedthepointofbeingallcriedout.Thecoffinwasplaced inthemiddleoftheroominacoldchurchsurroundedbyflowers.Icouldn’tbringmyselfto leavehisside.Iwantedtobelievethattherewassomeoneelseinside,notAlejandro.Butit washim.Indarkness,insilence...dressedinoneofthoseoutfitsthathelikedsomuchandso well. And suddenly, I stopped listening to the priest's words, the painful cries of the people aroundmeandmyowntearsweresilenced.Afewfeetbehindthepriest,inacornernexttoa solitary piano, was Alejandro spirit. I quickly scanned the crowd of people in the church, lookingforsomeone...lookingforme.OurgazesmetandheseemedpuzzledtoseeIcouldsee him.Ismiledbuthedidn’tsmileback.Hisfacedidn’tseemtobethesame,bitternessradiated fromhisbodyandhecouldsurelyreadmythoughts.Hiseyesweresad,thelightwithwhichhe shoneinlifehadfaded.Iwantedtogetclose,talktohim,tellhimwhathehadtodo...hisnext step. Maybe he was as lost as I was on the streets of New York the day I died. Maybe he blamed me for being responsible for his death ... if he hadn’t tried to come and see me, he

  would still be alive having avoided the fateful car accident that ended his life. His stare piercedrightthroughme.Thepriest'sspeechwasbecomingeternal...

  "Areyoualright?"Pablowhispered.

  "Yes ... I can him," I said in my ear. I liked sharing my secrets with Pablo and not being treatedlikelunaticbecauseofit.Hesmiledandputhishandonmyshouldertoreassureme.

  ThisgestureprovokedastrangereactioninAlejandro.Hisfacebecamefuriousandsuddenly

  ...hedisappeared.

  TwodaysafterAlexander'sdeath,itwasstilldifficulttobelievethathewasnolongeronthe earth. I wondered where he had gone ... if he had in fact gone ... The image of his strange expressionandhisfacefulloffuryandpainplaguedme.Fortunately,IhadPablotoconsole meandwasthereatmylowestmoments.Felisawasalsokepthereyeonme,sternandstable asalways,notallowingmetofallapart.

  Lolitoldmetotakeafewdaysofffromthesalon,despitehavingmanyappointmentsand work. I told her that work keeps me distracted, I couldn’t stay at home, that would make me crazy.ItwouldkillmeunlessthefluIcontracteddiditfirst.

  OnenightinJanuarywhilePablowasatwork,Iputonmycoatandwentoutasusualtothe terracewithacupofmintteaandmypackofcigarettes.Ithadbecomemyritualafteralong workingday.Ilookedupatthestarsandoncemore,uponseeingashootingstarIknewthat someone would be arriving at any given moment. And although the visit was appreciated, it wasnotasexpected.

  "HelloLaura."

  "Hello Claudia ..."-that blonde flowing hair, those bright green eyes ... The spirit of the twelve-year-oldgirl,whocapturedmyheartfromthefirsttimeIsawherinCentralPark.

  "Where’sAlejandro?"

  "Alittlelost...andangry."

  "Hasn’thegoneup?"

  "Hecan’t.Youhavetohelphim."

  "Hehasn’tcometoseeme..."

  "Hewill.Whenhefindstheway,hewill."

  "WhatdoIdonow?"

  "Liveyourlife...Iknowthisiscausingyoumuchgrief,hewasthefirstimportantpersonto youinyournewlife,butitwaswritteninthestars.Ifhehadn’tleftthatway,hewouldhave beentakensomeotherway,stopblamingyourself.HistimeasAlejandrohascometoanend.

  "Youmean...hecancomeback?"

  "It’soutofmyhands.Wouldyoulikehimto?"

  Ididn’tknowwhattoanswer.IlovedPablo,no,Iwasmadlyinlovewithhim.ButIwas alsoAlejandro's...somethingpowerfulandstrangeattractedmefromthebeginning.Andyes, it is true that we had something pending ... if only one last kiss. And I thought, that even if

  Alejandro was back in the body of someone fat, very fat and very ugly ... something in him would feel attracting me irremediably. In those moments, I realized that my story with Alejandrohadbeenreal...IfeltloveforhimlikeIhadneverfeltforanyonebefore.

  "Iwanthimtobehappy,"Isaidatlast.

  "WhythisobsessionwithAlejandro’shappiness?"

  "Idon’tknow...althoughit'snotmyfault,IknowthatMartawasanasshole,therealoneI mean ... she hurt him so much. He deserved to be happy. Maybe that's where my obsession comesfrom,asyoucallit,but...Idon’tknow..."

  "Iunderstand,"shesaid,smiling.

  "AndhowisMarta?Therealone..."

  "She's been content since she learned that Alejandro was dead," Claudia replied with a shrug.Idon’tlikeherallthatmuch,youknow?She'salittle...devious."

  "Shedeservestoburninhell."

  "I wouldn’t go that far, but ... the poor woman suffered a lot in her life, too. Now she's waitingforhim."

  "AndAlejandro-doesheknowwhoIreallyam?"

  "Notyet.Ihavetogo,Laura."

  "Thankyou,Claudia."

  "Bestrong,okay?"Inodded.Andonceagain,withherwonderfulsmile,shedisappeared amongtheroofsofthevillagehouses.

  I sipped my peppermint tea and lit a cigarette. A stream of air suddenly cooled my face and mademesneeze.

  "Smokingkills,youknowthat?"

  Thatvoice...


  "Alejandro!"

  "Whyareyoutheonlyonewhocanseeme?"

  Iapproachedhimuntilwestoodfacetoface.Hisexpressionhadchangedfromtheonehe showedatthechurch.Hewasstill,asalways,gorgeous...withthenobilitythatcharacterized himinhisface,althoughahintofmelancholystoodoutinhiseyes.

  "It'salongstoryI'dliketotellyou.Butfirst,howdoyoufeel?"

  "Idon’tknowwhattodo.Youknow?"Inodded.

  "I'dliketoaskyousomethingfirst.Whydidyoucometoseeme?"

  "Toseeyou?"

  "Yes.Youcametoseemeandyouhadthecaraccident."

  "I'msorry...Idon’tremember,"hesaiddejected.

  "Don’tyouseeanylight?"heshookhishead.Doyouknowifyouhavesomethingpending?

  Heshookhisheadagainnotknowingwhattodo.

  "Haveyoureallyforgottenme?"heaskedsuddenly.

  "Never. The last time we spoke, I told you that I had not forgotten you, Alejandro. But I wanttotellyousomething...I'mnotMarta.MartadiedonJuly20lastyear.Sherememberedit

  well.MyrealnameisLauraRuiz,betterknownasLauraSmith..."

  "Themodel?What'swiththatcigarette,Marta?"

  "Can’tyoureadmythoughts?"

  "Read your thoughts? That’s possible?" Alejandro was more lost than I was in my spirit form.Ialwaysthoughtthatallspiritscouldreadthethoughtsofthelivinguntilnow.Thereare exceptionstoeverything,I'mafraid.

  "I'mLaura.IdiedinNewYorkinJuneoflastyear.WhenIfoundthelight,Iwentthrough it. I travelled through a very long tunnel ... until I reached heaven. There St. Peter greets all arrivals...hetoldmethatitwasnotyetmytimeandthenMartaentered.YourMarta.Ireturned in her body, in her life and with a touch of the beyond. That's why I can see you and all the spiritswhowanttobeseenbyme."

  "Andwhere’sMarta?"

  "Inthelight,inheaven...Idon’tknow.Withherparents,inpeace.Doyouwannajoinher?"