The Boy I Once Loved

by Cara E Holt

  Holy fire, he was good!!

  I stare into his eyes as he cups my cheek with his hand.

  “You are so beautiful, and you don’t even know it, and that’s what I love about you. You’re not like other girls. You’re caring and genuine and I know you will always have my back and fight by my side.” He leans in closer, our lips are but an inch apart. “I’ll never want anyone in the way that I want you.” He closes his eyes and leans in a little closer, so much so that our lips brush briefly. I want to lean forward and kiss him but how can I when he is in front of me professing his feelings for another girl. I jerk back.

  “Wow, that was good Dyl.” I try to hide the shakiness in my voice.

  He opens his eyes and he just stares at me for a few seconds with a look I can’t fathom. “You think?”

  I nod. “Hell yes. That was first class. Honestly, you should tell her, she will fall at your feet, I’m sure.”

  He nods, looking deep in thought. “You know what, maybe I will. I mean, what have I got to lose, right?”

  “Exactly. If she is a decent girl and she doesn’t feel the same, then I’m sure she will let you down gently. Besides, she’d be crazy not to want you.”

  “Really?” Dylan cocks a brow, smirking. “You think any girl would be crazy to turn me down?”

  I roll my eyes and smile. “Okay, okay, don’t get big-headed, but Dyl, you’re a catch. You’re thoughtful and caring and well you aren’t bad to look at.” I pause and gesture with my finger at his body. “I mean, you’ve got all that going on, the abs and the muscles.”

  He grins wider. He is loving this. “You think my body’s hot El?”

  "Oh, come on. You know you have a good body. I mean, look at you. You're really lean and you have a really sexy smile, it likely melts panties within an instant."

  He smiles wider as he lifts the bottom of his t-shirt up. “You mean this hot body?”

  Now he is being an arrogant arse, and I need to bring him down a peg or two. I grab the cushion beside me and launch it at his head. “Okay, now time to knock that big head off your shoulders.” The cushion whacks him on the head, and he laughs as he grabs it off me and hurls it back at me. He springs forward and grabbing my arms pins me on my back.

  “Give up Ella umbrella.” He leans in and rubs his stubble all over my face.

  “Ah, that prickles,” I protest.

  He chuckles above me as he continues to rub his face on mine. He stops with his assault and he stills, his eyes on mine and my breath gets stuck in my throat. “We should get going.”

  I nod, unable to string a sentence together. My emotions were all over the place. The way he has spoken about that girl is all the things that I wished he would say and feel about me. My heart aches knowing that there is a girl out there who has his heart. I am a fool to think that three years away from here has erased the way I feel about my best friend. Those feelings haven't gone away, in fact, they are getting harder to ignore. He stands up and grabs my hands and pulls me up with him, keeping me steady until I had my crutches under me. We are both quiet during the very short car ride back to his house. I can't help wondering if he is thinking about her.

  I sniff when we enter the house and moan. “Oh wow, what is that smell?”

  "Hey, Ella. We are having macaroni and cheese for dinner. I hope you are hungry?"

  "Famished," I tell her, grinning. Dylan's mum is a great cook, and I loved coming over as a kid and having tea here. "Wait!" I shout to her before she heads back into the kitchen. "Can you help me later, with showering and getting changed?"

  Dylan frowns, kicking his shoes off. “I can do it.”

  “Oh, I bet you can,” Stacey says wagging her finger at her son, “but remember Kay has trusted me to look after Ella. So yes, I will help you.”

  Dylan rolls his eyes. “Sure, mum.” He comes up behind me and slides his hands around my waist and nuzzles my neck. “Come on, let’s go make out.”

  I blush bright red, and I want the floor to swallow me whole. "Dylan quit joking around," I hiss. His mum just smiles and she shakes her head at both of us before she exits the room.

  As soon as she has left, I turn in Dylan’s arms and shove him.

  “What the fuck was that?”

  He shrugs his shoulders and laughs. “Oh, come on. I was just joking around.”

  I put one hand on my hip and frown. “It’s not funny, Dylan.”

  “So? Who cares?” He bats away my comment with his hand.

  “I do!” I insist, glaring at him.

  He sighs. “You know my mum and yours have always hoped we’d end up together.”

  I snort. “Like we’d ever end up together, I mean that would be a disaster, right?”

  He nods with a frown and clears his throat. "Come on. Let's get our homework out of the way, then we can pretend to make out."

  “Funny fucker,” I say, slapping his back as we head through to the lounge.

  Dylan is sitting up against his headboard whilst I lie on my tummy finishing my homework. His phone rings and he answers it on the second ring. "Hey." He pauses, listening to whoever is on the line. "Yeah, I think we'll pass. You know what Freya's like, she's full-on. Okay, I'll ask her." He lowers the phone. "You want to go to Freya's?"

  I pull my face and shake my head firmly.

  “Nah, she doesn’t want to go either. I’m not interested in eager pussy, Luc. You have it if you think it’s so good.” He puts the phone down and sighs. “I’m sick of homework, let’s do something fun.”

  “Like?” I twirl my pen around in my hand as I stare at my English book.

  “We could go bowling.”

  I lift my boot. “Broken ankle, remember. You still have your Wii somewhere? We could play on that.”

  He ponders my question for a minute. “I think it might be in the loft. I’ll check with mum when we go down.”

  We head downstairs when Stacey shouts us. I arrive piggy-back style and grin earnestly as my food is plated up and put before me.

  I groan when I taste my first mouthful. “God, Stacey. You cook the best macaroni and cheese.”

  Stacey smiles as she takes a seat opposite me. "I'm glad you like it. We have blackberry crumble for dessert too."

  I look at Dylan and I groan again. “Can I move in permanently?”

  Stacey laughs. “I think your mum would miss you too much to allow that to happen.”

  “Doubt it,” I scoff.

  Stacey and Dylan exchange a look and clearing her throat, she changes the subject. “Ella, we are having a barbeque on Saturday for Charlie’s birthday. I hope you can make it?”

  I nod. “Sure, I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Where is he anyway?” I ask, only just realising he isn’t eating with us.

  “Oh, he’s at his Dad’s tonight,” Stacey informs me.

  I look at Dylan. “Did you not want to go?”

  My answer is a deep frown from Dylan. “No. I want nothing to do with him.”

  Stacey looks down at her plate and looks like she might cry. "I'll have to help you with your shower straight after tea Ella, as I'm off to boot camp class tonight."

  I nod, wincing inside. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. “Yeah, that is fine, thank you.”

  Dylan’s phone rings again and his mum frowns at him and reminds him about having phones at the dinner table. He silences it, but it rings again.

  “Sorry,” he tells his mum sheepishly as he lifts it to his ear. “Yeah?”

  "No, not tonight. I have plans." He shuffles in his seat, looking uncomfortable. "As I said, I'm busy. I've gotta go. Bye."

  “Freya?” I ask, and he nods and rolls his eyes.

  "Freya fancies Dylan," I tell his mum, grinning.

  Dylan shrugs his shoulders and winks at us both. “I can’t help it if the girl’s all find irresistible.”

  Dylan leaves us alone while Stacey helps me shower and dress, although he doesn’t go without lots of protests and pouting. God knows why he would want to help me
. I mean, who wants to see their best friends’ bits?

  “How is it going with your mum?” Stacey asks me as she helps me into some pyjama shorts, which also happen to be perhaps the shortest pair I own. I’m going to kill Dylan for picking these out!

  “I haven’t really seen much of her to be honest, not with her working nights.”

  Stacey nods as she puts a bed sock on my good foot. “She’s doing really well, you know. She missed not having you around.”

  I snigger. “I’m pretty sure she was too drunk to notice I wasn’t around.”

  Stacey comes and sits beside me on the guest bed. “Just don’t be too hard on her, okay? You only have each other now.” She wraps an arm around my shoulder and squeezes me. “Maybe you and Dylan are too old to be sharing the same bed now?”

  I laugh, blushing. “We’re just friends. We wouldn’t you know...”

  “I have been young once, you know?” Stacey laughs. “In fact, in my head, I still think I’m fifteen.”

  There’s a quick knock on the door and Dylan pops his head round. “You done?”

  We both nod and he comes into the room and he scoops me up. He nuzzles my neck. “Hm! You smell good. Come on, let’s go make out in my room.” He smiles. Okay, he is taking the joke about his mums’ earlier misinterpretation about our relationship a bit too far now.

  He carries me across to his room and as soon as we are out of earshot; I nip his arm.

  “Ouch.”

  “Stop it off with all the talk of making out in front of your mum.”

  He frowns. "It's just a joke, Ella, relax."

  “So just tone it down a bit. It’s embarrassing.”

  He laughs as he places me down on the end of his bed. “I have our evening’s entertainment sorted.” He holds up a battered box of the board game ‘Guess Who’.

  “Oh, you are so going to lose. I am the champion of Guess who.”

  He cocks a brow, challenging me. “Want to make a bet?”

  “Sure, seeing as you will be the one losing.”

  He smirks as he sets the game up. "Okay, the winner gets to ask one truth and one dare from the other."

  “Deal.” I offer him my hand and he shakes it firmly. “Prepare to go down, James.”

  An hour later Dylan sits crossed-legged on the bed opposite me looking mighty smug. "Oh dear, looks like you lost Ella Umbrella."

  "You have been practising. You used to be terrible at this game." I eye him with suspicion.

  He winks. “What can I say, I’m now a Guess Who master. Plus, Charlie loves to play, so I have had plenty of practice.” He rubs his hands together gleefully. “Now, to decide on your forfeit.”

  I wag my finger at him. “Ah ah, it was one truth and one dare.”

  He taps his chin, smiling. “Okay, one truth. Let me think.” I sit waiting while he decides what he wants. The humour disappears from his face and suddenly he is all serious. “Okay, truth. Did you ever think of me in the three years you were away?”

  I gulp. That isn’t a question I am expecting. Did I think of him? All the damn time. He has always been there in the background. I thought about him when I’d lost my virginity to a guy called Kai at some drug-fuelled party I had gone to. I nod. “Yes, I thought about you. I wondered what you were doing and if you had replaced me.”

  He moves closer. “I’d never replace you El. You’ll always be my best friend.”

  I gulp and I offer him a tight smile. If only that is true because once he admits to that girl how he feels, he will forget all about his childhood friend. I will be a distant memory.

  I‘m shaken gently awake from my night terror and I feel panicked at first until I see Dylan hovering over me.

  “It’s okay. I’m here.” He pulls me to his chest and he holds me, stroking my hair. “Was it the same dream?”

  I nod, trying to steady my breathing. “It’s always the same. Night after night.”

  “You want me to hold you?”

  I nod again, not wanting to voice how much I need him right now. Without another word, he pulls me closer and he spoons me from behind, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Sleep El. I’ve got you.”

  I awake in the morning to the familiar smell of my best friend, who is sleeping soundly underneath me. Somehow during the night, I have ended up more or less lay on top of him. One of my legs lying over his hip while the other is between his two legs. I sleep so much better when he is here, and it unnerves me how much I need him, especially given I have spent the last three years building up my barriers and telling myself that I don’t need anyone.

  I lean up slightly and study him. His dark eyelashes fanning his cheeks. He looks so gorgeous even when he is sleeping. I don’t know what I’m thinking, but I reach out with my finger and I run it along his bottom lip. He groans in his sleep. I move my finger up and I trace it softly over his top lip. He groans again and he rolls us so that I end up underneath him. I freeze still when I feel his erection press against my stomach. His hand moves down my side, tracing the curve of my hip.

  “You awake?” he asks me, his voice all husky and deep.

  “Yeah,” I reply, trying to steady my breathing, worried he will hear how fast my heart is pounding in my chest. I run my finger along his collarbone, and I feel him shiver beneath me. Did my touch affect him?

  “You sleep better with me? No nightmares?”

  I nod.

  “I like that I make you feel safe” He smiles as he buries his face in the crook of my neck.

  “There’s no one I feel safer with.”

  He leans up on his elbows, his hair hanging down over his eyes, dark stubble lining his jawline. “Promise me we’ll always be friends? Even if I do something stupid to mess it up?”

  I search his face concerned, wondering where this is coming from. “Of course. Why do you ask?”

  He sighs. “Because I think I’m going to tell that girl how I feel and well, it may change things between us when I do.”

  I bob my head and I try to not look like I’m being gutted from the inside. “Are you..., are you going to tell her today?”

  He shakes his head and I feel a selfish prick for being relieved that I get one day more of having him to myself. “Nah, I need to plan it properly.”

  Chapter Seven

  I’m miserable all the rest of the day at college. I can’t pull my thoughts from how Dylan is going to tell some girl that he wants her, and of course she is going to want him right back, and then I’ll lose him to her. I’m lost in my own thoughts when I walk into my next class and I don’t even notice Aria take her seat behind me.

  “You look like your puppy died.” She quickly covers her mouth. “Oh god, please tell your puppy didn’t die?? I have a knack for putting my foot in it.”

  I smile and shake my head. “No, my puppy didn’t die. I’m fine, honest.”

  “You’re sure? Because I know we haven’t known each other that long, but I am a good listener.”

  “Thanks, but I’m good.” As much as I like Aria, she is Connor’s girlfriend, and I can’t be sure that she would not tell Connor about our conversation.

  Dylan and Connor walk into class, and Dylan gives me a cheeky grin as he takes the seat beside me. “You, okay?”

  "Well, my puppy didn't die," I tell him, which leaves him looking at me really puzzled. "Never mind."

  “I have a way to cheer you up. You are my date for tonight. We are going to the cinema.”

  Aria groans behind me. “Oh, not the cartoon-type film. How about you boys watch that, and Ella and I will watch something else on another screen.”

  Connor covers his heart and puts his bottom lip out. "You said you'd come to watch it, babe."

  Aria rolls her eyes, but I can tell already that she is going to give in and give him what he wants. “I hope you know you are buying me that expensive chocolate popcorn they sell.”

  “Of course. Anything for you, babe.”

  Dylan looks at me and we both smirk. Say what you like, but
they are cute together.

  After school, we head back to Dylan's house and I'm reminded that this is my last night of staying over and I'll be back at home in that house full of memories with my mum. Part of me welcomes the distance as spending all this time with him is killing me and smashing the carefully erected barriers I have built around my heart. Another part of me is sad that I won't be spending my evenings with him and having myself curled around him in bed at night.

  “You’re quiet,” he states, studying me, as we drive to pick up Connor and Aria.

  “I’m just thinking about going back home tomorrow.”

  He nods. “You know, I’m sure my mum would let you stay if I asked her.”

  I laugh. “No, she wouldn’t. She has already given me the talk about giving my mum a chance. Plus, she seems to think we are on the verge of sex and is worried you will get me pregnant.”

  He grins. “Well, I likely do have super-sperm, you know.”

  I roll my eyes at him and he grins wider. “it’s just that house, you know. It’s so full of memories of Liam. I find it hard being there, it suffocates me.”

  He reaches over the centre console and takes my hand in his. "I get it, but that house holds a lot of happy memories too. Like all our Halloween sleepovers and remember all the summers when we would have epic water fights against Liam and his best mate Kyle."

  I smile. Those water fights were epic and always ended up with Dylan and I absolutely drenched as Liam and Kyle always beat us.

  “You used to have a bit of a thing for Kyle, didn’t you?”

  I squirm in my seat. “Yeah, I guess I did for a while.” Dylan chuckles, squeezing my hand which is still in his.

  “You used to get all tongue-tied when he spoke to you. It was so funny,” he chuckles to himself.

  “Hardy-har. Besides you can’t talk, you had a crush on my babysitter Sophie.”

  “Well, she did have big boobs.” His mouth curves into a smile.

  I shake my head and look heavenward. “Such a pervert.”