Playing by Heart

by Cleary James

  ‘I didn’t get a chance,’ she said. ‘There were too many people around. I didn't want to make a scene.’

  ‘Would you have told me? If Rose hadn’t hit you, would you have said anything?’

  She hung her head. ‘I didn’t want to worry you.’

  He sighed deeply, leaning his head wearily against the back of the seat.

  ‘He assaulted you?’

  Lisa was overwhelmed with relief that he didn’t question even for a moment whether she had wanted it. She nodded, tears streaming down her face. She drew a ragged breath. ‘I—I thought he was going to rape me. If Rose hadn’t come—’

  ‘Has he tried anything like this before?’ he asked, his voice loaded with concern.

  ‘It’s the first time he’s been so ... aggressive.’

  His jaw hardened at the word. ‘What else has he done?’ he asked tightly.

  She told him about the letters and flowers, and what had happened when she’d gone to confront him about them. ‘I thought it would be okay because he’s with Rose now,’ she said, feeling foolish. ‘I thought he’d moved on. But he won’t leave me alone.’

  ‘Jesus, Lisa! That’s stalking and harassment. We should report it,’ Grayson said.

  Lisa lifted her head. ‘You mean, the police?’

  ‘Yes. He’s obsessed with you, Lisa.’

  ‘He used to say ...’

  ‘What?’

  She hesitated to say it out loud and make it real. ‘He used to say that he couldn’t live without me – that he didn’t want to live without me. Sometimes I’m afraid ...’

  ‘You’re afraid of what he’ll do?’

  She nodded.

  ‘You can’t let him control you like that. Besides, it’s not just stalking and threats now. He attacked you tonight. We should get the police involved.’

  ‘There’s no point.’ She sighed defeatedly. ‘He’ll just say I wanted him. It’s his word against mine. And Rose would probably back him up.’

  ‘I still think we should report it,’ Grayson said. ‘At least there’d be a record if he tries anything else. And you could definitely have Rose up for assault. There were plenty of witnesses to that.’

  ‘I don’t want to make trouble for Rose,’ she said. Rose was going home with Mark – that was punishment enough. He had been furious with her for making such a public scene, and Lisa dreaded to think what lay in store for her tonight when they got back to his house. She shivered at the thought. Besides, she was grateful to Rose for rescuing her. However unwittingly it was done, she had saved her from being raped by Mark. She’d take any amount of slaps from Rose if she could be spared that.

  ‘I didn’t want it, you know,’ she said, looking at Grayson earnestly. ‘I don’t want him.’

  He frowned. ‘I know that, Lisa.’

  She smiled. It felt so good to be believed; to be trusted so completely and unquestioningly.

  ‘You have proof of the harassment,’ Grayson said. ‘You could get a restraining order at least.’

  She nodded. ‘If it continues, I will. I promise. Right now I just want to enjoy Christmas and forget about it all for a while.’

  Grayson sighed, nodding reluctantly. ‘But if you hear another word from him, we’re going to the police. He’s dangerous, Lisa. If Rose hadn’t found you tonight—’ He broke off, his fist clenching until the knuckles turned white.

  She shuddered. If Rose hadn’t found them, Mark would have raped her. She was sure of that now.

  Grayson was quiet for a while, staring out the window, seemingly lost in thought. When he turned back to her, he looked troubled. ‘If I hadn’t come back into your life, this wouldn’t be happening,’ he said broodingly. ‘You were living peacefully in Cornwall, and you’d still be there if I hadn’t come along. You wouldn’t be in any danger from Mark.’

  ‘I also wouldn’t be represented by one of the most prestigious galleries in London,’ she said softly, smiling at him as she took his hand. ‘I wouldn’t have the career I’ve always dreamed of. I wouldn’t have Susie and Daniel back in my life.’ She drew a shaky breath. ‘I wouldn’t have you,’ she said, her voice wobbling. ‘I wouldn’t know what it felt like to be loved by you. I don’t regret any of it, Grayson. Not for one second.’

  He blinked at her, speechless, his eyes glittering wetly.

  ‘What did I do to deserve you?’ he said finally. He put an arm around her and she laid her head on his shoulder. The car had heated up as they drove, and she felt cosy and warm as she snuggled into him, her eyes drooping closed.

  ‘Almost home,’ he murmured in her ear, his fingers lightly playing with her hair.

  She sighed happily, nuzzling his neck. ‘I’m already there.’

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Lisa struggled with her umbrella as she made a dash from the cab to the door, the wind driving icy sleet into her face and soaking her hair. She wrestled with it as it was buffeted by the wind, pulling it closed as she reached the shelter of the porch and fumbled for her key.

  It was a relief to step into the warmth of the hall. She shoved her umbrella into a stand and swept her wet hair off her face, shivering as she unbuttoned her coat.

  ‘It’s wild out there,’ she said to Grayson as he appeared in the doorway of the library.

  He smiled and came forward to give her a soft kiss. She sighed, sinking into the warmth and comfort of his body as he wrapped his arms around her.

  ‘I thought we’d have supper in the library,’ he said, jerking his head in the direction of the door. ‘Why don’t you go take a bath and relax, and come down when you’re ready.’

  ‘Mmm, that sounds good,’ Lisa said pulling away. ‘I could do with a bath,’ she laughed, holding up her paint-spattered hands, daubed with smudges of cobalt blue and vermilion. She had spent a long day at her studio, finishing things up before the Christmas break. ‘I probably stink of turps and oil paint.’

  Grayson gave her a crooked grin. ‘The smell of turps gives me a hard-on at this stage,’ he said.

  Lisa laughed, raising her eyebrows. ‘Really?’

  ‘Call it a Pavlovian response.’

  ‘That’s perverse.’

  Grayson shrugged. ‘What can I say?’

  She felt all the stress and tension of the day melt away as she enjoyed a long soak in a hot bubble bath. The water soothed her aching muscles, stiff and sore after long hours of standing at her easel and bending over drawing boards. It had been a busy, tiring week, but as she lingered in the fragrant foam, she started to unwind and ease into holiday mode. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve and they were flying to Cornwall in the morning. She felt in need of some rest and relaxation, and she was looking forward to a quiet, lazy week of sea air and sleeping late.

  She hadn’t heard from Mark since Isabel’s party. There had been no letters from him this week, but she didn’t allow herself to feel complacent about it just yet. It could just be that he was out of town for Christmas. Anyway, she was glad of the respite for now, and she wasn’t going to worry about it over the holiday.

  When she had finished her bath, she pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a soft creamy sweater, then padded downstairs to join Grayson in the library. He met her in the doorway and took her hand, drawing her inside. Her breath caught as she looked around the room. A fire was blazing in the grate, a blanket spread out on the floor in front of it. The room was lit by dozens of flickering candles and strings of fairy lights, and in the bay window, the Christmas tree sparkled, light dancing off the coloured baubles. A picnic basket was placed on the blanket, with a bottle of champagne sitting in an ice bucket alongside two long-stemmed crystal flutes.

  Lisa flushed with pleasure at the romantic gesture. ‘Wow, you’ve been busy,’ she said. She hadn’t expected this. They had an early flight in the morning, and she’d thought they’d have a quick supper in the kitchen before an early night. Grayson obviously had other ideas. He’d really gone all out.

  She suddenly had a flashback to the first time they’d
had a picnic together in this room, when she’d been having sex with him for money and had baulked at the romance.

  ‘I thought we could start the holiday tonight, just the two of us,’ he said.

  ‘It looks great!’

  ‘But first ...’ With an almost shy smile he led her over to the fireplace. He stood facing her, taking both her hands in his. ‘I have something I want to give you before Christmas day.’ He licked his lips, and if she didn’t know better, she’d have said he was nervous. ‘Something I want to ask you.’

  Lisa raised her eyebrows questioningly, baffled.

  By way of an answer, Grayson simply sank to one knee in front of her. Lisa gasped as he pulled a small box from his pocket and flipped it open, holding it up to her.

  ‘Will you marry me, Lisa?’

  She was suddenly filled with inexplicable dread. She felt cornered, suffocated. She stood horrified but speechless as she watched Grayson’s hopeful expression fade. She couldn’t bear the hurt and disappointment in his face. She knew what she could say to instantly make it better. But still she couldn’t bring herself to say that one little word.

  ‘Grayson, I—’ she looked away, struggling to make sense of her feelings. ‘Sorry. This is just so unexpected. I—’ she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear nervously. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Yes would be good,’ he said, trying to smile, but his face seemed frozen.

  She sank to the floor beside him, dazed. She had been so happy a moment ago. How had everything changed so fast? She didn’t know what happened now. Had she ruined everything? Would Grayson even want her to join his family for Christmas now?

  ‘Lisa?’ he said, pulling her back to the present. She realised she had zoned out. ‘It’s fine,’ he said, getting up and pulling her to her feet. ‘Not the answer I was hoping for, but—’

  She hated how wounded he looked, and she couldn’t bear for him to think it was because she didn’t love him enough. ‘I wish I could say yes,’ she told him, clutching his hands and looking pleadingly into his eyes.

  ‘But you can’t.’

  ‘No,’ she whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’ She wished she could explain, but she didn’t even understand it herself. She’d have thought she’d jump at the chance to marry Grayson, but the moment he’d said it, she’d felt trapped and she’d recoiled instinctively. It wasn’t that she thought she’d ever want to leave Grayson. But it still felt like a threat, something she had to avoid to protect herself.

  She bit her lip. ‘Grayson,’ she said earnestly ‘it’s not you. It’s—’

  ‘Please don’t say it’s not you, it’s me,’ he joked, his wry smile not reaching his eyes.

  ‘No, it’s not me, it’s ... marriage. I love you so much, Grayson,’ she said. ‘I want to be with you. But—I just can’t. I’m so sorry.’

  Grayson swallowed hard and nodded. ‘You don’t want to marry me.’

  She shook her head. ‘If I wanted to marry anyone, it’d be you. But I don’t.’ She hadn’t actually thought about it before, but now that she was confronted with it, she knew it was true. She couldn’t say why, but every fibre of her being rejected the idea.

  ‘Is it really just the idea of marriage?’ he asked her.

  ‘Yes. It just—it scares me, I guess,’ she admitted, feeling foolish.

  He sighed. ‘Will you take this ring anyway?’ he asked, lifting it out of the box.

  ‘I—it doesn’t seem right.’

  ‘Please, Lisa. I want you to have it. You can wear it on your other hand. It doesn’t have to mean anything.’ He shrugged. ‘Just take it as a Christmas gift.’

  She took it from him tentatively.

  ‘There’s no one else I want to give it to,’ he said softly. ‘There never will be.’

  She slipped it on to the ring finger of her right hand. It was stunning – a delicate art nouveau design, with pearls and diamonds in an antique gold setting.

  ‘It’s so beautiful, Grayson,’ she said, her eyes shining with tears as she looked up at him. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Well, let’s not let this spoil our night,’ he said, pulling her down onto the blanket.

  But Lisa felt she’d already spoiled it, and as Grayson poured champagne into two glasses, she knew they were both aware that this was meant to be a celebration of their engagement.

  ‘Happy Christmas,’ he said softly, clinking glasses.

  ‘Happy Christmas,’ she whispered, desperately trying not to cry as she took a sip. But it was no use. A sob escaped her chest and she was helpless to stop the tears that rolled down her cheeks.

  ‘Lisa!’ Grayson’s eyes widened in alarm. ‘Please forget I said anything. I didn’t mean to upset you. Can’t we just pretend that didn’t happen and start over?’ He looked pained.

  ‘I just—’ her voice broke. ‘I love you so much,’ she said, wiping away tears. ‘I can’t bear the thought of losing you.’

  Grayson frowned in concern, taking her glass from her and putting it on the floor. Then he pulled her into his arms. ‘You’re not losing me, Lisa.’

  ‘But I will.’

  ‘Why? Because I asked you to marry me and you turned me down?’

  She hated the way it sounded, like she’d rejected him. But then, she supposed she had, in a way. She nodded.

  ‘It wasn’t meant to be an ultimatum. Nothing’s changed, Lisa. I love you. You’re still the person I want to be with.’

  ‘But you want to get married,’ she protested. What kind of future could their relationship have when they both wanted such fundamentally different things?

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘I don’t.’

  ‘But—’

  He shook his head. ‘It’s not like it’s something I want to tick off a list, like some kind of life goal. I’d like to be married to you. But if you don’t want that, then I want to live with you for the rest of my life and have children with you, and—’ he broke off suddenly. ‘God, I don’t know if that’s something you even want.’ He smiled ruefully. ‘I should shut up before I scare you off completely and you run for the hills.’

  ‘Children?’ She looked at him. ‘Yes, it is. Not so much as a life goal,’ she said, echoing his words. ‘But I want to have children with you.’ She had thought about having a baby with Mark in the early days, but he had always found some reason to put it off. Deep down she knew it was just that he was too possessive and selfish. He didn’t want her body to change. He didn’t want her to get fat. He wasn’t willing to share her with a baby. For once she was grateful for his control over her life. It would have been so much harder to leave if there had been a child involved.

  ‘Lisa?’ Grayson was frowning at her in concern.

  She shook off the dark thoughts and gave him a reassuring smile. ‘Sorry. I was miles away.

  ‘Come on, let’s eat,’ he said, flipping open the picnic basket. ‘We’ve got an early start in the morning.’

  They sat cross-legged on the blanket, and even though they weren’t engaged, it felt like a celebration as they ate lobster and drank champagne in front of the flickering fire, talking about their trip to Cornwall.

  ‘I can’t wait for you to meet the rest of my family,’ Grayson said.

  Lisa sighed. ‘I just wish you could have met mine,’ she said sadly.

  ‘You must miss your grandparents a lot, especially at this time of year.’

  She nodded. ‘I do.’ She would have loved them to meet Grayson.

  ‘I wish I could have known them.’

  ‘They’d have loved you,’ she said. ‘They’d have loved you for making me so happy. And for your mad chess skills, of course,’ she added, laughing. ‘Any tips for getting your sisters to like me?’

  ‘Nah.’ He grinned. ‘Just act like you think I walk on water and you’ll be golden.’

  ‘Okay, now you’re making me nervous.’

  ‘Don’t be.’ He leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose. ‘Just be yourself. They’ll adore you.’

  Chapter Thi
rty-Two

  Snow was falling in light flurries when they pulled up outside Grayson’s parents’ house on Christmas Eve. The short driveway was lit with little shrubs strung with fairy lights, throwing a lambent glow into the surrounding darkness. Lisa felt a flutter of nerves as Grayson unloaded their bags from the boot, a little daunted at meeting the rest of his large family. He handed her the bags of presents, and he carried their luggage in both hands. The door swung open as they approached, and they were greeted by a smiling Janet ushering them inside.

  When they had dropped their bags, she threw her arms around Grayson and gave him a kiss on the cheek, then pulled Lisa into a hug.

  ‘I’m so glad to see you both. We were worried the snow would pick up and you wouldn’t make it.’

  ‘It’s not bad at the moment, but it looks set to get worse later,’ Grayson said.

  ‘Well, you got here, that’s all that matters,’ Janet said.

  Lisa could hear voices elsewhere in the house, and she was glad that everyone hadn’t come out to meet her at once.

  ‘Well, you two get settled, and then you can come straight down. Supper’s almost ready. We’re having it early so the children can eat with us before they go to bed.’

  They went upstairs and dumped their bags in Grayson’s room. ‘Hungry?’ he asked her.

  Lisa nodded. ‘Starving.’ The sound of voices and laughter drifted up from below, and she felt nervous about going down and joining Grayson’s family.

  ‘Come on,’ Grayson said, taking her hand. ‘They won’t bite, I promise.’

  In the dining room, everyone was seated around the long table in front of the window, while Janet and Don set out dishes and poured wine. They all looked up expectantly as Lisa and Grayson entered, and there was a chorus of hellos. The three young women who were obviously Grayson’s sisters looked at her with open curiosity, and Lisa felt she was being thoroughly scrutinised.

  ‘Everyone, this is Lisa,’ Grayson said, putting his hands on her shoulders. They all nodded in acknowledgement, smiling as Grayson introduced her to them in turn and they shook hands. His sisters Alison, Emma and Sarah were stunning, with the same slanting green eyes and copper-coloured hair as Grayson. Their husbands were Ben, Patrick and James, but Lisa quickly forgot who belonged to who. Sarah’s daughters Daisy and Poppy were seated together at one end of the table, while Alison wrestled a squirming toddler in her lap, and a baby sat in a high chair between Janet and Don.