Playing by Heart

by Cleary James

  ‘Ssh,’ he had said roughly, his voice thick with excitement. ‘Don’t make such a fuss. Just let go, and you’ll get used to it. It’ll be better for you if you relax. God, you feel amazing, Lisa.’ And she was forgotten as he lost himself in his own pleasure.

  She had never grown to enjoy it, but she did get used to it. She’d had no choice. Mark loved it, and it became a regular part of their sex life. Deep down, she suspected that he knew she didn’t like it – and that that only made it more exciting for him.

  ‘Lisa,’ Grayson murmured in her ear, his hand lightly touching hers, jolting her back to the present. She blinked, looking around the table, grounding herself in the moment. She was still in this bright, cheery room with Grayson’s family, surrounded by love and laughter. She turned to Grayson with a grateful smile before she resumed eating. He always seemed to know when her mind strayed and she got lost in that dark place, but one touch of his hand could bring her out of the shadows and back to the light.

  But that night her thoughts turned gloomy again as she sat on Grayson’s bed, waiting for him. She had come up early, claiming she was tired, leaving him downstairs having a nightcap with his parents. She’d had a wonderful day. Everyone had been so friendly and welcoming, and she loved being part of their family Christmas. And yet she’d had a sudden, overwhelming need to get away and be on her own.

  She felt so out of place at times, like an imposter in the midst of Grayson's family. It was as if she was here under false pretences, tricking these kind, decent people into liking and accepting her, when all along she knew there was this poison deep inside her and she didn’t deserve their trust and friendship. If they knew the things she’d done, would they still be happy to welcome her into the family? Would they let her play with their children? Would they think she was good enough for Grayson? She wished there had been no Mark and she could have come to Grayson whole and unscarred. Instead she felt tainted and damaged, unworthy of him.

  ‘Well, my family adore you,’ Grayson said, coming into the room.

  ‘I pass the test with your sisters?’

  ‘Definitely.’ He closed the door quietly behind him and crossed to the bed. ‘And Poppy and Daisy are huge fans.’

  ‘They’re adorable. I love your family.’ She plucked at the bedspread broodingly, unable to shake off the dark thoughts troubling her.

  ‘What?’ The bed dipped as Grayson sat beside her.

  She heaved a sigh. ‘I wish—I wish I could be ... normal.’

  Grayson frowned. ‘You are normal.’

  ‘Better, then. Not—not broken ... corrupted.’ He deserved someone who would love him wholeheartedly and unreservedly. Someone who would say yes when he asked her to marry him. She hated that she was always holding back with him, even now.

  ‘Everyone has their demons, Lisa. Tell me.’

  She shook her head. ‘I don’t think I can.’ She felt so ashamed of the things she’d done with Mark, the things she’d let him do to her.

  ‘I may not be able to slay all the dragons, like in a fairytale,’ he said. ‘But sometimes just talking about them makes them less scary. I was reading Rumpelstiltskin to Poppy tonight.’ He smiled. ‘You know how it ends?’

  She nodded. ‘When the miller’s daughter guesses his name, the goblin vanishes.’

  ‘Right, she says it out loud. So maybe when you name your fears, they don’t have power over you anymore.’

  ‘Is that the moral of the story?’

  He smiled. ‘That's what Mum always told me it meant.’

  ‘I like that interpretation.’ She looked at him carefully. He couldn’t want to hear what she’d have to say. And yet, she knew she could tell him anything and it wouldn’t change how he felt about her. He wanted to know her completely, and she didn’t have to hide any part of herself from him.

  So she started to talk, slowly and quietly, and she told him the whole sordid story of last Christmas with Mark – how she had cried when he pushed inside her, how she had hated it, but still let him do it over and over, because she was too weak to say no. How he kept on going even when she begged him to stop. And when she finished, Grayson was still looking at her the same way, like she was the most precious thing on earth.

  He touched the space between her eyebrows. ‘I wish I could erase those memories – whatever you’re thinking of when you look like that.’

  She heaved a shaky breath. ‘I don’t think you can.’ But he was right – it felt less threatening now that she’d said it out loud.

  He sighed. ‘Maybe not. But we can make new memories.’

  She nodded, giving him a wobbly smile. He leaned in and kissed her, his lips soft and firm on hers. He slowly peeled off her pyjama top, his hands gentle on her breasts as he stroked and massaged them. He stood to undress, then he removed the rest of her clothes and lay down beside her, kissing and caressing every inch of her skin until all the nerve endings in her body were on fire and she was shaking with need. The low hum of voices still drifted up from other parts of the house, and when Grayson thrust powerfully inside her, she clamped her mouth shut, swallowing the screams of pleasure that threatened to escape so that his family wouldn’t hear.

  ‘Let go, baby,’ he said as her head thrashed on the pillow and she stifled a whimper as she writhed beneath him. ‘No one can hear you.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ she breathed.

  He gave a crooked smile as his fingers worked her clit, pushing her over the edge. ‘I built this house, remember? I can vouch for the soundproofing.’

  Relieved, Lisa let go and screamed her release. Grayson followed quickly after, his body jerking violently as he came inside her.

  ‘Well, that’s one way to drive away the demons,’ Lisa grinned as he collapsed heavily on top of her.

  Grayson chuckled as he rolled away. ‘Happy Christmas,’ he said softly, pulling her into his arms.

  ‘Happy Christmas, Grayson.’

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Returning to London in January, Lisa felt stronger than she had in a long time. They’d stayed with Grayson’s parents for a few days after Christmas, then saw in the New Year with Lisa’s friends in Porth Heron. The break had done her good, and she felt refreshed and energised, ready to take on anything – even Mark. So far there hadn’t been any more letters, and she hoped he had finally got the message that there was nothing he could do to make her change her mind.

  She threw herself into her work with renewed enthusiasm, able to enjoy her studio again now that she wasn’t constantly being bombarded with messages from Mark. She had made some decisions too. She had felt so much better after talking to Grayson, and it made her think. Since that first night, she had opened up to him more and more, telling him about her life with Mark. But it wasn’t fair to burden him with it all, and while it was good to share and be open with each other, ultimately she didn’t think it was the best thing for their relationship to turn him into her therapist. Nevertheless, she felt talking was the key to healing. The way she’d felt when Janet had listened to her so patiently and non-judgmentally had stuck with her, and she wanted more of that.

  ‘I’ve decided I’m going to talk to someone,’ she told him over dinner one night.

  He raised his eyebrows.

  ‘A therapist,’ she clarified.

  ‘That sounds like a good idea,’ he said. He didn’t seem surprised, and she was relieved. She’d been a little nervous that he’d tell her she didn’t need it and try to talk her out of it.

  It had never occurred to her that she could have PTSD, but Grayson had mentioned it tentatively to her one night when she was talking about Mark, and she’d started researching domestic abuse and its after-effects on the internet as soon as she got home.

  She’d cried when she’d read the stories women shared on blogs and websites – partly because she felt sorry for them, but also because it could have been her writing those things. It was her story as much as theirs, and she felt a strange sense of relief that she wasn’t alone. />
  ‘I’ve been reading up on domestic abuse and PTSD,’ she told Grayson, ‘and ... well, I relate to so much of it.’

  ‘Do you know anyone?’ he asked. ‘I could get mum to recommend someone, if you like.’

  She shook her head. ‘Thanks, but Daniel’s already given me the name of a therapist. He says she’s really good.’

  To her relief, when she broached the subject with her friends, it turned out that most of them had been in therapy themselves at some stage, and they were reassuringly matter-of-fact about it.

  ‘Anything from Mark today?’ he asked.

  She shook her head. ‘No, nothing. I think he’s finally given up on me.’

  ‘Let’s hope so.’

  But she could tell neither of them really believed it.

  The next day she met Isabel for a catch-up over lunch at a trendy Bond Street restaurant. They had just parted ways and she was on her way back to the studio when she saw two young women coming towards her who seemed vaguely familiar. It took her a moment to realise it was Anna and Nikki from her class at art college. They spotted her just at the same moment she recognised them.

  ‘Hi!’ She smiled, stopping.

  ‘Hi, Lisa,’ Nikki said. ‘How are you?’

  ‘I’m fine thanks.’

  ‘Congratulations on your show, by the way,’ Anna said.

  ‘Yeah, you’re doing really well. Congratulations! I wasn’t able to make it, but I heard great things.’

  ‘Thanks. So what are you two up to?

  ‘I’m teaching,’ Nikki said with a roll of her eyes.

  ‘I’m doing an MA,’ Anna told her.

  ‘Oh, good for you! Well, I’d better get on.’ They had never been close, and they didn’t have much to say to each other beyond idle small talk. They’d been Rose’s friends at college. But as she turned to go, Lisa wheeled back towards them. ‘How’s Rose?’ she asked as an afterthought.

  ‘Rose?’ Anna frowned. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t seen her in ages.’

  ‘Me either,’ Nikki said with a shrug. Then a sly smile spread across her face. ‘Why do you ask?’

  Lisa shrugged. ‘Just wondering. She was at my opening, and I saw her at a party just before Christmas. But I haven’t heard anything of her since.’

  ‘Well, I suppose you know she’s with Mark now?’ Nikki said with a smirk.

  ‘Yes, I know that.’ Lisa said, keeping her expression neutral. If Nikki thought she was imparting bad news, she was very much mistaken. ‘They were together at my show.’

  Lisa could tell Nikki was disappointed that she hadn’t managed to upset her. She’d always had a malicious streak.

  ‘Is she working on something, I wonder,’ Lisa prompted. ‘Her solo show did well, didn’t it? She must be doing something to follow it up.’

  ‘Wouldn’t have a clue,’ Anna said. ‘She doesn’t really keep in touch.’

  ‘Well, if you see her, say hello for me,’ she said.

  ‘I doubt we’ll be seeing her anytime soon,’ Nikki said bitterly, her lip curling. ‘She seems to have forgotten who her friends are. Now that she’s hooked up with Mark Reader, she thinks she’s too important to hang out with the likes of us.’

  Lisa couldn’t put the meeting out of her mind as she made her way home later that evening. It sounded like Mark was isolating Rose the way he had her, alienating all her friends. She wished there was a way she could reach out to Rose somehow. She knew it probably wouldn’t be welcome, but she felt she had to try. But how? She couldn’t rely on bumping into her by chance. She remembered when she had met her earlier in the year, she said she was working at a recruitment agency, but she didn’t know which one, and anyway, it was unlikely she was still working there – not if Mark had anything to do with it. So how could she get in touch with her? Unless she was just upfront about it ...

  ‘Grayson,’ she said tentatively that night as they ate dinner.

  ‘Hmm?’

  ‘How would you feel about inviting Mark and Rose over?’

  His eyes shot to hers, widening. ‘You’re kidding, right?’

  She quailed a little, knowing she would have a fight on her hands. But she stood her ground. ‘No.’ She shook her head slowly. ‘I’d like to.’

  ‘Lisa ... no. Why are you even saying this?’

  ‘I’m worried about Rose,’ she said. ‘I’m afraid he’s cutting her off from everyone like he did with me, and I want to talk to her, to—’

  ‘You tried, remember?’ he said. ‘She cut you dead.’

  ‘But it might be different now. I know what Mark’s like. In the beginning he can be so charming, and everything seems great, but—’

  ‘I don’t want to hear it,’ Grayson said flatly, cutting her off. ‘I don’t want that man in my house, and I don’t want him anywhere near you. I can’t believe you do.’

  ‘I don’t,’ she said pleadingly. ‘Believe me, I have no more desire to see Mark than you do.’

  ‘Christ, Lisa! This is the man who attacked you the last time you saw him. And now you’re suggesting we just casually have him over for dinner? No.’ He shook his head emphatically. ‘No way.’

  ‘I just want Rose to know there are people she can turn to if she needs help – if she decides she wants help,’ she amended.

  Grayson sighed. ‘You did your best, and she didn’t want to know. You can’t save people from themselves, Lisa.’

  ‘You saved me,’ she said in a small voice.

  ‘No, I didn’t. You saved yourself. I just provided the means.’

  Lisa sighed. She could tell she wasn’t going to win this one – and part of her was relieved to give it up. Grayson was right – it really wasn’t a good idea to invite Mark back into her life when she’d worked so hard to get rid of him. Besides, what if he were to start harassing her again? It wouldn’t look very convincing on a police report if she was having him over for dinner.

  ‘You’re right,’ she said to Grayson. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. It was a crazy idea.’

  ‘You’re not responsible for Mark,’ he said, his tone softer now.

  She nodded. ‘I know. But that doesn’t stop me feeling it sometimes. I guess that’s one more thing I’ll have to work through with my therapist,’ she said with a wry smile.

  The following evening, they were playing chess in the library after dinner when the doorbell rang. As Grayson got up to answer it, it rang again several times in rapid succession.

  Lisa leapt up and followed him into the hall, alarmed by the urgency of the persistent ringing. It sounded like someone was in trouble. She hung back in the doorway of the library as Grayson threw the front door open. She stifled a gasp as she saw Rose standing in the porch, pale and shivering, her arms wrapped around herself defensively.

  Grayson didn’t step aside, but stayed blocking the door, frowning forbiddingly at her.

  ‘Can I see Lisa?’ Rose asked, her voice shaky. ‘Please?’

  ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea—’

  ‘I’m sorry about what happened,’ she said quickly, glancing over his shoulder at Lisa. ‘I don’t want to make trouble.’

  ‘Let her in,’ Lisa said, coming forward to stand behind Grayson. He turned and frowned at her in concern.

  Rose looked to her pleadingly. ‘I just want to talk.’

  ‘Grayson,’ Lisa touched his back. ‘It’s fine. Come in, Rose.’

  Grayson reluctantly stepped aside, and Lisa ushered Rose inside and into the library. In the light of the room she saw that there was a livid red bruise on Rose’s jaw, and her stomach turned over in revulsion.

  ‘I’m sorry I hit you at Isabel’s party,’ Rose was babbling as Lisa urged her onto the sofa. ‘I know we’ve never been friends, but I didn’t know where else to go. I had nowhere to go,’ she wailed desperately. ‘And you said—’

  Lisa nodded. ‘It’s fine. She sat beside Rose and put an arm around her narrow shoulders. ‘I said if you were in trouble I’d try to help you,’ she said as
much to reassure Grayson as anything else. He was hovering over them anxiously.

  ‘I’m really sorry – about everything,’ Rose said, starting to cry quietly. ‘You were right,’ she sniffed, wiping away tears with the back of her hand. ‘About Mark.’

  ‘Did he hit you?’ Lisa asked quietly.

  Rose nodded. ‘Yesterday.’ Her face crumpled and she swallowed a sob.

  Grayson’s eyes sparked fury, and his jaw clenched. ‘Asshole!’ he muttered under his breath. He went to the drinks cabinet and poured a large glass of brandy.

  ‘Drink this,’ he said, handing it to Rose.

  ‘Thank you,’ she whispered, looking up at him shyly as she took it from him. She took a small sip and put it down on the table in front of her.

  ‘He accused me of sleeping with someone else,’ she said, wringing her hands, while Lisa rubbed her back soothingly.

  Grayson sat down on her other side. His expression had softened, his eyes full of sympathy now as he listened to Rose.

  ‘I didn’t sleep with anyone,’ she said. She took a deep gulp of brandy. ‘Christ! How could I? I never see anyone anymore. No one but him. I don’t think he even believed I had, really – he just wanted to pick a fight. I think—’ she gulped. ‘I think he just wanted an excuse to hit me.’

  ‘Does he know you’re here?’ Lisa asked.

  Rose shook her head. ‘He’s out of town tonight. He’s gone to Paris. It was my only chance to get away. He watches me all the time. I didn’t know where else to go, I just ran—’

  ‘You can stay here for now,’ Lisa said. ‘Can’t she?’ She looked across at Grayson.

  ‘Of course,’ he nodded. ‘Do you want to go to the police?’ he asked Rose.

  ‘Police? I hadn’t thought—’

  ‘He assaulted you,’ Grayson said through gritted teeth, his rage barely suppressed. ‘It’s a crime. It should be reported.’