Crimson Snow

by Ina Carter

  Maybe I was still rattled and ready to fight because when I reached Kevin’s side, I was mad at him, too. He was supposed to be my rock. I’d searched for him, hoping he would be there to catch me when I fell, not cause me more suffering.

  “Lauren.” He reached for me like he wanted to touch my face, but I pushed away his hand.

  “What is it this time, Kevin? What did I do? I bet you watched that scene downstairs and believed I’d sunk my gold-digging claws into your brother. You seem to be assuming the worst of me.”

  “No, Lauren. Liam told me what’s going on.” He sounded remorseful.

  “Whatever, Kevin.” I tried to push by him, but he put his arm to block the entrance and our eyes clashed.

  “This is not easy for me either, Lauren. I was doing well in the last few years. I tried my best to forget you, but…” he started saying, but his words were still hurtful.

  “Screw you, Kevin!” I cut him off, pushed by him, and shut the door behind me. I pressed my back to the frame and took a deep breath. I peeked through the side glass panel by the door and saw Kevin storm off towards his car.

  Liam was in the living room when I walked in.

  “What happened?” he asked anxiously.

  “I got rid of him,” I answered about my dad, but I guess it also applied to his brother.

  I sat on one end of the sofa and motioned Liam to join me.

  “You better start talking and tell me how you know my father.” I nailed him with my look. Liam sighed, but he didn’t look guilty. Once again, his brown eyes were radiating with compassion.

  “Do you want to hear the story from the beginning?” he asked my permission.

  “Yes, I need to hear all of it. I promise you I’ll be fine this time.” I understood his concern, but when I faced my father and watched him squirm, I think I found my courage. My last shrink used to say, “One day you will feel stronger than your trauma, and it won’t have the same power over you.” I think that day was today.

  “Do you want to know about Kevin and how we met?” Liam asked like he knew that more than anything Kevin’s story was what concerned me the most. I nodded at him to continue.

  “My dad, Richard, was working as a baseball coach and assistant principal of discipline at a high school in Boyle Heights. It’s a bad neighborhood, but Dad is one of those people who made it his mission to work with underprivileged kids. Kevin was a freshman and a constant presence in his office. He was getting into all sorts of trouble, fights, ditching classes…

  “My father said the kid was really bright, but defiant, and was getting mixed in with some gangs and stuff. He looked into Kevin’s file, and it said that he was bounced around in the foster care system and ended up in California living with his elderly grandmother. She was not the maternal type, dad said, from the one time he met her. Kevin was neglected, always hungry, and angry at the world. After multiple suspensions and harsh talks in his office, dad noticed Kevin hanging around the baseball fields and watching the boys on his team.

  “One night, my father was cleaning the locker room after practice and heard one of the pitching machines go on outside in the batting cages. He found Kevin with a bat in his hand trying to hit the balls. Dad watched in astonishment as the boy delivered hit after hit. He didn’t have a proper stance or technique, but had sheer determination. Richard approached him, gave him some tips, and told him that he wanted him to try out for the team.”

  “What happened, Liam? How did your family adopt Kevin?” I interrupted impatiently. Hearing about his life and the neglect he suffered felt like sharp knives stabbing into my heart.

  “I was getting to that…” he smiled “So, the moment Kev got onto the team, he channeled all that anger into baseball. Dad says he’s never seen such a raw talent before. And he was right, you know. Kevin and I played together starting our sophomore year in high school, and he had scouts after him since he was seventeen. I was a good player, but Kevin was better. He would have made the Majors in a heartbeat, but he was adamant.”

  “Why?” I wondered.

  “It’s a hard question to answer, Lauren. Kevin said he wanted to have a college degree, something to fall back on one day if baseball didn’t work out, but then… he was scouted by Stanford, Harvard – he could have picked any college, and yet he stayed here at USC. Anyway, I was telling you about his adoption. He had just turned fifteen when his grandma died. He was about to go back into the foster care system, but my parents stepped in and offered to adopt him. By that time, he was basically part of our family. Dad took him under his wing, he brought him home to have dinners with us, he stayed overnight more nights than not. Dad coached both of us on weekends…”

  “Did he cause trouble, Liam?” I asked. It made me sad to think of Kevin as a delinquent. He was a prankster as a kid but not a real troublemaker.

  “Strangely not. My mom is a no-shit kind of person, so she straightened him up as much as me when we did some dumb teenage stuff, but the moment he moved in with us, Kevin’s behavior changed. He focused on school as much as baseball. He had some dark times – like he would get into his head and stop speaking unless asked something, but he never acted out. I told you, Lauren, I’ve never seen him like this before - angry, trying to hurt someone… And he is my best friend. Over the last seven-eight years, we became closer than real brothers.”

  “Do you have other siblings, Liam?” I asked curiously, wanting to know more about Kevin’s support system. He was honestly lucky to have those people around him. From what Liam was telling me about his family, they all sounded like wonderful, caring human beings.

  “I have two older sisters, but they were both off to college when Kevin moved in with us. Katarina lives in New York, and Helen is in San Diego. They also love him, Lauren. We all do.”

  “I know, Liam. I love him too. He was my brother first.” I was finally able to admit the whole truth to someone who would understand.

  Families were not about blood relations, and I knew that from experience. Sometimes we find them under the most unusual circumstances like the way I found Kevin, but the fact that we were not bound by genetics didn’t mean we shared a less powerful love. Maybe that’s why I felt this kinship with Liam from the beginning, because we both cared for Kevin in the same way.

  “How did you learn about me? Has Kevin ever mentioned me?” I was still bothered by what my old friend said to me at the door - that his life was good before I showed up and that he tried to forget me.

  “He’s never said a word about his past. We never pressed him, assuming it was causing him too much pain. I told you about his dark episodes. Maybe like you, he has PTSD, Lauren. Maybe not as bad as yours, but at times he seems detached like he is somewhere else. A few years ago, I tried to breach the subject about his biological parents. All he said was that both of them are rotting in jail. I was not going to let it go, so I started digging. My parents had a copy of his adoption papers, and I found his biological mother’s name from his birth certificate. I looked her up and all the stories about you popped up. Apparently, you were big news at the time. I found the old articles...” He stopped telling the story and studied my reaction. Liam was obviously concerned I might hate that people were digging into my sordid life story, but honestly, it didn’t bother me that my tragedy played out in front of the whole world. Being the “stolen baby” was not the biggest of my problems. What happened after I was “found” between the walls of my “new home” was the real nightmare.

  “How did you meet my father?” I asked. His little show earlier told me that he knew more about my life than simply who I was. He didn’t stop digging.

  “Last year one of my teammates invited me to Ocean Club for a round of golf. I heard your father’s name in passing and remembered it from the news stories. It was simple curiosity, Lauren. I wondered if that little girl – you, had a good life after she was returned to her family. We got introduced – Rob is apparently a baseball fan. Our head coach was also there, and your father was tryi
ng to schmooze him and brag about his daughter’s boyfriend and his prospects for the MLB.”

  “It wasn’t me – he was talking about my sister Bianca’s boyfriend who plays for Stanford,” I said defensively, not wanting Liam to assume I was involved with someone like Bart.

  “I figured.” He smirked. “One round of golf and I understood what kind of asshole your father was. I have very little tolerance for narcissistic men, but he bothered me. Something is really off about him, and even though I didn’t know you, I was worried for you… So, I kept going to that club.”

  “Why, Liam?” my words came in a whisper. Simple curiosity doesn’t explain why he became so involved with my family and cared about my well-being from afar.

  “Because you were someone important to Kevin. When we were teenagers, he and I shared a room. He never mentioned you, but sometimes in his sleep he would scream your name.” Liam admitted.

  “Julie…” I whispered.

  “No, that’s the thing. He would call you Lauren. They changed your name, and he knew.” Liam’s words shocked me. Kevin knew who I was from the moment we met, and even before that. What I didn’t understand was his bizarre reaction and why he had flipped like I was the bane of his existence.

  “Did you see me at that country club?” I wondered out loud, considering I had gone there for the first time last summer.

  “I saw you two months ago in June. You were with your mother. She is a piece of work, by the way.” Liam noted.

  “You don’t have to tell me.” I rolled my eyes, and we both laughed. “Yeah, Dana is something…Oh God, this summer I was playing “dumbo” and impersonating the Kardashians. I promised my parents I’d ‘behave,’ and in exchange, they’d let me go to USC. The freaking sorority was part of the deal. Did you think I turned out to be like my parents?” I asked alarmed.

  “Ha, you want an Oscar or something?” he snickered. “No, Lauren, I didn’t come close to you to watch your dumb act. It was enough to hear what was said behind your back to know you were not one of them.”

  “What did they say?” I pushed for answers, even though I knew they would be painful.

  “Your father’s friends were asking if you were finally well enough and got over your emo phase. Him telling them he found a way to chain you down. Their lecherous laughter. They commented on your looks, and he let them berate you. They were all disgusting people, Lauren, and I can imagine what kind of life you lived.” Liam seemed upset on my behalf, which made me like the guy even more.

  “I don’t know why they always hated me so much, Liam, honestly, I don’t. The abuse was only emotional, but for a long time they did huge damage to my self-esteem and sense of worth. I was lucky I found good normal friends outside of their circle and realized I deserved love, but then he took them away as well.”

  “I am sorry, Lauren.” Liam sounded sincere. “For what it is worth, you can count me amongst your friends. I know it’s weird that we met only a few days ago, but…”

  “…but we both share a brother.” I finished his thought.

  “Yeah,” he nodded. “Also, give Kevin time. He loves you no matter what he says or does. When he is done with the brooding, he’ll find you.”

  I hoped he was right about Kevin. Our standoff was upsetting and was not going to get resolved with us hurling book quotes at each other or a few partial sentences. We needed a serious talk to clear up all misunderstandings.

  I finally made Liam the dinner I bought supplies for, and we were sitting at the table eating my pasta Bolognese. The conversation was much lighter than earlier, and we were settling into the new friendship thing. He was easy to talk to and had a good sense of humor, so it was not hard to like the guy.

  “I think I’ll get a dog. I never had one because my mom has allergies. You think you can pet-sit while I am gone?” he pondered.

  “Ha, I see what’s your cunning plan. Puppies are a pain in the butt, and I have to do the housebreaking and mopping pee from everywhere. Then you come home, and you have a well-behaved pet. I am allergic too, so tough luck,” I taunted him.

  “Are you really?” He was not buying it.

  “Is your mother truly allergic? Have you seen tests or anything?” I teased him again.

  “Larisa totally played you, bro. I’ve seen her pet and kiss other people’s dogs.” Kevin’s voice interrupted the conversation. He kept showing up without warning and startling me. At least he didn’t look angry this time. Actually, come to think of it, it was the first time he smiled in my company since our “reunion.” He was looking at me strangely with an emotion written on his face I couldn’t pinpoint.

  “Liam, come help me unload my stuff from the car.” Kevin changed the subject abruptly.

  “Wait, what?” Liam looked as surprised as I was by his brother’s odd request.

  “Oh, sorry, I should have asked.” Kevin sounded nonchalant, “Do you mind if I crash in here for a while? Got to vacate the dorms by the end of the month. Larisa offered I stay with her while you and Richard are in Florida, but traffic from Pasadena is a killer in the morning, and my gym is down the street…”

  “What happened?” Liam asked worried.

  “Oh, NCAA sent me a letter that they are withdrawing my scholarship and my housing allowance. It’s not the end of the world, so don’t worry. I have one year to graduate, so I’ll apply for a student loan and manage.” Kevin sounded matter of fact, but it was obvious he was already facing consequences because of me.

  “Are you being kicked off the team, Kev? You know the draft is in seven months, and you need a good season.” Liam voiced his concern and likely for a good reason.

  “That’s the thing – I just got off the phone with the athletic division’s director. He said they took a second look at the situation, and it looks like I am off the hook. There were initial questions about justifiable force, but now they’ve determined that I was defending another, and it doesn’t look bad on the department or me. They are sending a letter to the NCAA to reconsider their decision under the new conclusion.” Kevin was looking at me like he suspected I had something to do with the sudden development but didn’t ask the question outright. My dad might have made that call after all. I bit my tongue and didn’t say anything, so he turned around and headed for the door to get his stuff from his car.

  “Are you okay with him staying here? I can tell him to go to my parents place if you want?” Liam offered, knowing Kevin and I were not on best terms at the moment.

  “It’s okay, Liam. Maybe I’ll find out what’s up with him.” I smirked. “If he gets on my nerves, I can always taser him, right?”

  Liam chuckled. “You two are going to be just fine.”

  Chapter 10

  The week flew by too quickly, and before I could blink, Liam had to leave. He was acting as a buffer between Kevin and me, trying to engage us in a conversation, but failing. I went through the motions and went to USC and filed a report. The counselor told me the school had already taken action, considering there were many witnesses to my assault. I had a good cry, knowing I had to live with my decision not to go to the police or file criminal charges against that asshole, but it saved Kevin from harsher consequences so that was a small consolation.

  I spoke to the administration, and considering my circumstances, they were lenient that I had missed a week of school and gave me an extension on assignments. All the classes I was taking this year were undergrad requirements, so even if I didn’t stick with the stupid communications major, I could transfer my credits to the music department next year.

  At least going back to lectures was keeping me busy, so I didn’t have to deal with brooding Kevin. The first two days after Liam left for Florida, I don’t think I saw him at all. He left super early to go to his gym, and I could hear music from his room upstairs when I got home, but he was avoiding me like I was diseased. I felt a bit lonely, but in the evenings when I was done with assignments, I sat on the balcony, looking down at the city lights, playing my guitar. If
I ever got to record any of the songs I had written, that would be my “blue album” – all of my emotional struggles in verse.

  It was Wednesday, and I had only one class in the morning, so I was home by 10 a.m. Kevin’s car was not in the driveway, the house was empty, and I was alone. Had I ever been alone? Not that I remembered. In my parent’s house, Lisa was always around. Even though her presence was unobtrusive, I couldn’t just walk around the house in my underwear or sing from the top of my lungs. Just the idea I could let it all go gave me chills. It was my first taste of freedom in twenty years.

  I rushed into my room, changed into comfortable shorts and a tank top, and went to the kitchen. I plugged my phone into the speaker system and tuned into some station with upbeat songs. I danced like no one was watching while I made myself a sandwich. I poured a glass of apple juice and joined Billie Eilish singing about “Ocean Eyes.” Gosh, that song was sensual, and it made me feel emotions I hadn’t allowed myself for a long time. I closed my eyes, and since I knew the lyrics to the song, I let my voice soar above the track while I moved with the music.

  I tried to think of Jaxon, the one guy who ever made me feel desire, whose touch caused chills to run down my spine, but it wasn’t his chocolate brown eyes that floated in my head. My mind synced with the words and behind my lids, the vision emerged of eyes so deep you could see the soul behind them. They had the summer tint of California’s gulf, more green than blue, speckles of sand and crashing waves. They brought inside me a feeling that was strange and yet familiar. Not physical want, but emotional. A memory of me running all day and laughing so hard that my eyes filled with tears. “Why are you crying,” he asked me. “Because I am happy.” My words made his eyes turn into a storm, and he came closer like he wanted to drink from my joy.