Patch found me smoking by myself after Church was over. He must have noticed that I’d hardly been paying attention to anything being said earlier. He thumped my back, interrupting my thoughts. I was itching to return to Vivian, to make sure she was exactly where I’d left her. These days it made me anxious if I didn’t know where she was even for a minute.
“You alright there, buddy?” Patch asked, smiling warily at me like he knew something was up.
“Yeah, all good, everything seems to be running smoothly,” I replied and started to smoke my cigarette quickly. I didn’t want to get dragged into a long conversation with Patch when I could have been out there, watching over Vivian.
“Yeah, it looks like the Sons of Satan are leaving us alone for now. We getting lucky here or what?” he added with a smirk and I smirked too in support of his theory, which I knew was untrue.
When I didn’t say anything more, Patch decided it was going to be up to him to broach the sensitive topic.
“You heard from her lately? Vivian. That was her name, right?”
I glared at Patch, suddenly on high alert again.
“Why? Have you heard anything?” I asked and he shrugged.
“No, that is not what I said. I was simply asking if you’d heard anything because it seemed like the two of you hit it off.”
I stubbed my cigarette out in an overflowing ashtray on the bar counter and tried not to glare at Patch and give the real situation away.
“I don’t really know what you mean by that, but, no, the answer is no. I haven’t heard anything from her. She’s moved on to a different job obviously,” I said. I knew I’d snapped at Patch and I could tell by his clenched jaw he was trying to not call me out on it. He was staring at me intently, trying his best to decipher all this.
“Yeah, sure man. That shootout was obviously not easy for her to digest. It wouldn’t be for any outsider.”
I nodded and then drank the remaining beer in my can.
“Yeah, and I’m sure she has her own shit to deal with. She’s probably figured out her job situation by now,” I continued and wiped the back of my hand across my mouth. Patch was still watching me closely, like he’d seen something there. We’d known each other for a long time. I didn’t have to explicitly say the words for him to figure out there was something going on with me.
“Yeah, everyone has their own shit. Just like you do too,” he said and when I glanced up at him, he smiled, and I nodded.
“Yep. That’s right. We all have our lives and we just fuckin’ move on with it,” I said.
22
Vivian
Another week went by and nothing had changed…as far as my feelings for Cash were concerned at least, or my memories of him. I was still waking up every morning and looking over to the other side of the bed, hoping to wake up to see him there. At night, I tossed and turned in my bed, fantasizing about him. I was convinced by the vividness of the dreams that everything was real. That Cash was back in my life again. That I would never have to be alone again. Why did I care? Why did he matter to me? Was it only because he had saved my life? Because he had kept me safe?
And no matter what dreams I saw at night; in the mornings, it would be the same story all over again. I was alone in bed and Cash was nothing more than just a distant memory. I was making a fool of myself. I was only making this harder for me.
Apart from the fact that I felt completely alone without Cash, as far as my career was concerned, things seemed to be going well. Since that first big photo shoot for the perfume, I’d had two more jobs in a matter of weeks and now I was on my third. Things were really kicking off for me. My portfolio was growing, and my agency was able to find me more and more new work.
It was a good feeling. Even though I knew I was just one drop in a sea of modeling faces in LA; it felt good to get some kind of a recognition now. I didn’t feel that ordinary anymore, neither did I feel like it had been a complete mistake and a waste of time to dedicate myself to making it in this industry.
Finally, I was beginning to see some self-worth in me. I could see myself for the person I could potentially become. Maybe, just maybe…I would be able to crack LA.
“You have another fabulous day!” Nora wished me luck as I walked out of the door that morning. I had my third photoshoot today, for a cosmetic brand, and I was going to take a cab to the studio. I wasn’t in the mood to take a bus these days, since that time I thought I was being followed. Even though I knew I must have just been imagining things anyway.
Besides, if the jobs kept rolling in like this, I might even be able to afford a car soon which would completely elevate my lifestyle.
I waved at Nora as I walked out and made my way downstairs to where the cab was waiting for me. I could never have predicted that today was going to be the day that would mark a complete change in my life forever. Nothing was going to be the same after this day.
* * *
At the studio, the producers warned me that it was going to take ages to get my makeup and hair done and I told them it was no problem and headed straight for the changing rooms in the back.
If there was one thing I was determined to do, it was to be patient and complying. Good reputation went a long way in this industry, and I wanted to be known as someone who was easy to work with.
In the changing room, Rita, my makeup artist introduced herself to me and she made me sit down in front of the mirror so she could get started on her work. Someone else was going to do my hair eventually.
Rita was an older woman, super friendly and chatty—and just one of those people who loved to talk to anybody. She made me feel instantly at ease as I remained sitting in front of her, frozen to the spot and following her every direction.
“You new?” she asked me at one point, after she was done telling me in great detail about the messy morning she had. I already knew so much about Rita’s life. She had three kids, two of which were teenagers and made her life Hell.
“To LA? Yes, been here less than a year, which makes me new I guess,” I said, and we smiled at each other in the mirror.
“And you have that fresh-faced vibe in your cheeks. It’s probably what’s getting you these gigs. Don’t lose it. That wondrous sparkle in your eye,” Rita continued as she blended the colors on my face.
“I don’t think I ever will. I will forever be grateful for whatever this city gives me. Whatever it does to make it possible for me to have gotten away from that small town I grew up in,” I told her, and Rita sighed.
“Sure, honey, that is exactly how we all felt when we first got here. Give it a couple of years and LA will harden you up and bend your back. You’re going to forget all about that small town of yours and it’ll be like you never lived anywhere else. Trust me.”
I smiled at Rita in the mirror again. I watched her as she snapped open a palette of shimmery eyeshadow. She was dusting the color she wanted on to a poufy brush when I felt a shift in my stomach as I sat there.
Something was happening. I was going to be sick. It was rising up my body and my throat and I jumped out of the chair.
“Toilets. Where are they?” I stammered, afraid of what would happen if I lost another minute. The two other women in the room with us who were working on makeup stared at me now. Rita, with her furrowed brows pointed in the direction of another door.
“Out there, to your right. You alright, hun?” she asked, but I was gone without answering her question. I bolted out of that room and ran to the toilets.
I banged through doors till I was finally on my knees, the cold tiles digging into my skin as I sat in front of the toilet bowl. I couldn’t hold it back any longer.
* * *
A couple of minutes later, there was a knock on the toilet stall door.
“You okay in there?” It was Rita. I wished she hadn’t come to check up on me. I felt absolutely miserable and had no idea why I got this violently ill all of a sudden. All her makeup was ruined and now she would have to start all over again.
I was still hunched on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet seat, trying to catch my breath and regulate my breathing again. It felt like all my insides were washed out.
“Did you eat anything funky lately?” Rita continued from outside. It didn’t seem like she was going anywhere, anytime soon.
“No. I ate my usual breakfast. Can’t think of anything. It’s fine, it’s nothing. Maybe it’s just the heat,” I said, dabbing my forehead with the back of my hand.
The door creaked as Rita opened it without knocking this time. I felt completely embarrassed and ashamed, sitting there on the floor now.
“Don’t worry about it, hun, I’ve seen worse. Do you think it could be something else?” she asked. I knew I’d gone completely pale. There must have been a worried expression on my face. This wasn’t where I was expecting this conversation to head.
Rita started rummaging through her purse which she had carried with her.
“I have it here somewhere,” she mumbled and then she pulled it out, holding it right up in front of me. It was a pregnancy test. “I always carry one with me. With three of those rug rats in the household, I can never be too careful. Don’t want any surprises.” She presented the test to me, while my hand shook as I took it from her.
The possibility of being pregnant hadn’t even occurred to me until now, until Rita suggested it.
“It’s going to be okay, hun. Just take the test and rule out the possibility that you could be knocked up. That way, you can keep carrying on with your day,” she said, and I gulped thirstily and then nodded.
Rita stepped out of the stall and I somehow managed to pull myself up so I could sit down.
The test was going to take three minutes and I just sat there, feeling cold and feeling like all the energy was draining out of me minute by minute.
If I was pregnant…it had to be Cash’s.
What the hell was I going to do if I was? How was I going to cope? I certainly wouldn’t be able to continue with this career. Who was going to hire a pregnant model?
“Did you check, hun?” Rita’s voice came through the door. She was clearly eager to find out the answer. I looked down at the test in my hand and immediately felt faint.
* * *
“Congratulations! You’re pregnant,” the doctor said, after she’d tested me for pregnancy. She had a bright smile on her face when she turned to me now and I tried to smile too. I didn’t want her thinking I didn’t want to keep the baby. No matter how shocked I was and how difficult this was going to be, I was still going to have this child.
I was pregnant. It had to be Cash’s. It couldn’t be anybody else’s. And in fact, I knew exactly when this baby had been conceived too.
I tried to force that weak smile on my face for the rest of the examination while the doctor weighed me and checked my blood pressure and other things.
I tried my best to keep my mind off everything else that was going to go wrong now.
For starters, how was I going to support myself now?
Maybe I would be able to manage another month or two of modeling and then I would start showing and I wouldn’t fit the look these companies were looking for.
There was no chance I’d be able to make it through the remainder of my pregnancy in this industry. I wouldn’t be able to afford rent; I wouldn’t even be able to buy food for myself or things for the baby if I didn’t get a job. And how was I going to work with a baby on the way?
There was only one thing to do now, and it was to go back home. Or rather, the place I used to call home nearly nine months ago. I was going to have to return to my family home with my head bent low and my tail between my legs.
I was going to have to admit defeat to the people who were rooting for me to fail. I was going to have to lay open my hands and beg them to help me because I had nowhere else to go. I had no other choice but this for the welfare of my child.
Talking to Cash was out of the question. I hadn’t seen him in nearly a month now and he was not the kind of man who would want the commitment of a baby. He probably wouldn’t even believe me.
“Is that okay, Ms. Aldren?” The doctor’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I realized I hadn’t heard any of what she had just told me.
“Excuse me?”
“Your prenatal vitamins. I’m giving you a recommended brand list and you should start taking them today, one a day,” she repeated herself. I widened the smile on my face and nodded.
“Thank you,” I said to her, but there was so very little for me to actually feel thankful for. But no matter what else happened with me, I just wanted this little bean growing inside me to be okay. I had no idea what I was going to do next. But I was going to keep this baby safe.
23
Cash
I followed Vivian to her doctor’s appointment, and what I hoped was a routine appointment. Now I was parked in my car outside the doctor’s chambers, waiting for her to come out. I’d seen her take a cab to this place. In fact, she’d been taking a cab everywhere these days—and it was a good indication to me that she was probably doing well in these jobs she’d been going to.
All I really wanted was for Vivian to do well, for her to be happy. I didn’t know why I really cared, but it was the truth and there was nothing I could do to change those feelings.
In fact, the more time I spent watching her, the more I could feel myself growing attached to her. I knew everything about her now, or rather everything there was to know about her on the outside.
I knew what she bought at the supermarket, how she chewed on her lip and smiled when she spoke on the phone. I knew she was close to one of her roommates, I saw them together walking to coffee shops on the weekends and Vivian always had a smile on her face when she was around this girl.
I knew which fast-food joint she liked to go to on a Friday night before she returned to the apartment. I also knew that she preferred to stay in on these Friday nights and weekends, rather than go out. Vivian was a home bird, someone soft and gentle and someone to be cherished.
The more I watched her, the more protective I was of her. I wasn’t going to let any harm come to her. Not on my watch.
Vivian…with her beautiful olive skin that shone in the sun. I knew the exact shape of her long legs in those short denim cut-offs she wore to the supermarket on Saturday mornings. Sometimes, she went for an early job at the crack of dawn. Usually, I would have fallen asleep in my car, but I’d wake up to find her stepping outside her apartment building with the earphones plugged into her phone. I couldn’t drive after her, so I would have to jog too at a safe distance behind her.
It was amazing that she hadn’t caught me spying on her yet. I knew that if she found out, she would hate me for it. But would she eventually understand? That I had been doing all this for more than two weeks now because I wanted her to be safe? Because I had feelings for her?
I did have feelings for her. Of course, it was hard to admit. Even to myself. Even in the silence of my own thoughts.
Every time I let my mind wander with those thoughts; I was reminded of Laura and what she had done to me ten years ago. But Vivian was nothing like Laura. Neither was I a naive twenty-year old anymore.
But none of that mattered. It was too late, and I already let her go.
Vivian was stepping out of the doctor’s chambers now and I tried to catch the look on her face, so I’d be able to figure out if it was bad news, good news or no news at all.
Vivian seemed to wait at the entrance of the little building, and she was looking around…possibly waiting for another cab. I watched her from the distance of my car; in the rearview mirror so I wasn’t staring at her directly.
I barely caught the look in her eyes before she put her sunglasses on. From this distance, I couldn’t tell if she looked nervous or not. I thought I saw a worried expression on her face, but that could have just been me overreacting. She hadn’t been in t
here too long…so it had to be nothing serious, right? Besides, she looked perfectly healthy and glowing to me.
But then again, Vivian always looked beautiful to me.
She stood there for a few more moments, plugging her earphones in just as a cab drove up to her and she got in.
Since she’d left the studio in a hurry earlier, possibly to keep her doctor’s appointment, I figured she would be going back to work again. I drove as close behind the cab as I could, but midday LA traffic kept separating us. Eventually I figured out that she wasn’t headed back to the studio. Instead, she was heading back for her apartment.
Over so soon?
Had the shoot gone badly?
I parked outside the building when she got off. I watched her closely as she paid the driver and quickly rushed inside the place.
Watching her from a distance like this meant that even though I always knew where she was and what she was doing, I still didn’t know what was really going on in her life. I could only make wild assumptions, which were obviously wrong.
What was I going to do if I saw her with another man? Eventually, it was bound to happen. How fucking messed up would that be? I knew already that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. It was going to send me through the roof if I saw another man touching her.
I needed to figure out this shit with the Sons of Satan before it came to that.
They had been quiet for too long, for over two weeks I hadn’t heard anything from them, and I knew they were just waiting around for the perfect opportunity to strike.
As much as I knew it would be for the best if I stopped tailing Vivian all the time, I also knew that I had no other choice if I wanted to keep her safe.
24
Vivian
After the doctor’s appointment the day before, I couldn’t make myself go back to the studio for the shoot. Not only was I suddenly feeling very weak and sick, but I knew I wasn’t mentally prepared to face all those people or Rita, or the blinding flashing lights of the camera.
Cash: The Black Cobras MC #2 Page 9