I paused. “You could’ve gotten to me through my father.”
“I…”
I narrowed my eyes. “Does my father know about this? Does he know about my daughter?”
She swallowed hard. “Simon, it’s not what you think.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Simon, please. You have to try and look at it from my angle.”
“How the fuck do you get the right to be mad at me when you’re the one who actively hid my child from me?”
I ran my hands down my face before I drew in another deep breath.
“Would you have ever told me, Arianna?”
I had to know. Did she ever, at any point in time, ever have any plans to eventually track me down and tell me? But when she scoffed, I knew what the answer was.
“Great. Fucking grand,” I murmured.
“Simon, what in the world did you expect me to do? Chase you down? Make your father tell you all this?”
“So, he did know.”
“That isn’t the point. The point is—”
“That sure as hell is the point,” I growled.
I stormed for the door, but Ari lunged for me. Her hands wrapped around my arm, and her touch gave me pause. For a split second, the anger fell away from my body. My eyes saw through the red dripping in my vision. I looked down at Ari—at the petite girl I used to love so much—and flashes of memories bombarded my mind.
Her kiss. Her soft sighs. The musky smell of her father’s basement. The warmth of her body on that cold summer night. How excited I was to be near her. Have her in my arms. Have her touch against my skin.
I felt the hairs on the nape of my neck prickling as her hands fell away from me.
“I know you’re not going to like it, but I was planning on telling her about you when she turned eighteen. So she could have her own choice on whether or not to find you without the biased perspective of her hurt and damaged mother,” she said.
My jaw dropped open at her words.
“Simon, all that girl knows right now is that her father didn’t know about her. She doesn’t think you abandoned her or walked out on her. I’ve been completely honest with her about questions she’s asked. I told her you didn’t know. I told her that it wasn’t your father’s responsibility to reach out to you, but mine. And I also told her that I believed enough in you to know that if you ever met her, you’d stay. You’d want to stay, because you’d love her, Simon. Which is why I cannot let you meet her if you’re planning to make a liar out of me.”
I didn’t like the fact that I saw her perspective on this. I had a right to be angry, no matter how she framed her actions or her words. I had a right to be upset with her. And I wouldn’t let her take that from me like she’d taken my daughter from me.
“Dad!” I exclaimed.
The door slipped open and he stood there, his eyes dancing between the two of us.
“Yes, son?”
“How long have you known about Macy?” I asked.
Ari’s hands quickly fell away from my skin as my father sighed.
“I’ve known since Ari was pregnant.”
I huffed out a laugh. “I’d like to say that shocks me, but right now I don’t recognize either of you.”
“Simon, it was to keep you safe,” he said.
“I don’t give a damn why you thought you did what you did was right.”
“I was angry with you,” Ari hissed. “I was angry and hurt that you could simply up and leave me without anything. Without nothing. No goodbye. No phone call. Some girlfriend waiting for you on campus or some shit like that.”
“Girlfriend?” Dad asked.
“He doesn’t know about the letter?” I asked.
Ari shook her head. “I didn’t feel it was important to tell him. You were gone, and that’s all that really mattered in the grand scheme of things.”
“What letter?” Dad asked.
“Oh, I’ve got a story for you later,” I snickered.
“Simon, I was angry with you. And Dad. And the world. And even more pissed when I figured out I was pregnant. It hit me very quickly that I’d be doing things alone. Every decision I made, I made it alone. Dad wouldn’t look at me. When I told him I was dropping out of college to raise my child, he practically abandoned me. That’s why I reached out to your father. I needed advice. I needed help. I needed someone to talk to.”
“She made me promise not to tell you,” Dad said.
“Yeah, well. Thanks for that,” I said flatly.
“Don’t be mad at him. Be mad at me. This is a sticky and complicated situation. It’s got a lot of facets to unravel and a lot of lies to talk through. And not all of it is going to get sorted today,” she said.
“So, does the entire damn town know you had my kid?” I asked.
“I think most of them do. I didn’t say anything, but I mean, with people knowing we were dating, and especially with people in town knowing about my father and how he ran things. It was probably easy for them to put together that you were my first boyfriend. The only option, really.”
“So, you didn’t bang some other guy after I left.”
“Simon,” Dad said hotly.
A tear streaked down Ari’s face, and I knew I’d been cruel.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“Why would you think that?” she asked breathlessly.
I reached out for her, but she stumbled back. Like she would have rather fallen into the pits of hell than be touched by me.
“Ari, I didn’t mean that. It was just—I’m just—”
She gathered her things. “I just came by to tell you before someone else in town told you. That’s all.”
“No, that’s not all. We still need to talk.”
“I need to go get Macy from school. She’s going to get upset if I’m late.”
“Ari, just hold on for a second, would you?”
I reached out for her, but she wrenched away. I felt Dad staring a hole into the side of my face as I tried to get her to stay put, to get her to keep talking with me. I had so many questions I needed answers to. Personal questions. Questions about her father, about Macy. About how her life had been for the past eight years.
“We still need to talk!” I exclaimed.
“Then, we can do that. Just not right now,” Ari said.
“All of us need to talk, actually. In the same room.”
Ari stopped in the kitchen at my words and slowly turned around.
“What?” she asked.
“You heard me. This is a ball of yarn that needs unraveling. For all of our sakes. The two of us, my dad, your dad, and our kid.”
She shook her head. “You heard me. I’m not letting you into her life until—”
“Ari, if you don’t make this happen in the next day or so? I will. You let me handle how I’m going to treat coming into my daughter’s life. Because even if I do have a job in Connecticut, leaving this town doesn’t mean I have to leave her life. That’s something you need to understand right now.”
But instead of answering me, she started for the front door.
“One day, Ari! That’s what you’ve got!” I shouted after her.
“You’ve done enough, Simon. Shut up,” my father growled.
And the next sound I heard was the front door slamming shut.
7
Arianna
I drove in a daze. I pulled into the car ride line in a daze. Even as Macy climbed into the car, I felt myself in a daze. The hazy fog of what happened only minutes before hadn’t lifted, and I didn’t know what to do or say. Not a single thing about seeing Simon again had gone like I had hoped or figured it would.
On the one hand, I wasn’t sure why I didn’t expect anger. From either of us, really. I should have seen it coming. After all these years, keeping something like this from him must’ve come as a shock.
I’d always been the calculating one, and he’d always been the emotional one.
And it seemed like that dyn
amic hadn’t shifted a bit.
“Mom?”
Macy’s voice pulled me back to reality. “Yes, honey?”
“You okay?”
I paused. “Uh, yeah. I mean—I’m getting there. Why? What’s up?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. You just seem weird.”
“Weirder than usual?”
She sighed. “Sorry I asked.”
“No, no, no. I’m glad you asked. Because I do want to talk to you about something.”
“What is it?”
I cleared my throat. “How about some ice cream? I think this conversation could use some ice cream.”
I drove back into town and parked at the ice cream shop, a small hole-in-the-wall that was still open from when I was a little girl. I took a lot of pride in bringing my daughter to this place, especially since I craved their oatmeal raisin cookie dough ice cream while I was pregnant. The shop owner greeted us with a wave before giving Macy a high five. Then, we set about placing our orders.
We got our ice cream, and I grabbed some napkins. Then, we went to take a seat. I needed some time to gather my thoughts, and I figured some scoops of sugar-laden frozen cream were better than sitting in a hot car. Macy dove into her sherbet and I smiled as I watched her.
I’d do anything to make her happy.
It was the truth. I’d do anything to see my daughter smile, to see her look up at me with pride in her eyes instead of anger. Things with Macy had never been easy, even from the beginning. And in some respects, she’d always been a temperamental child. She didn’t sleep through the night until she was almost two. She pitched hour-long fits over popsicles and snacks after school during kindergarten. And don’t get me started on homework—that shit was still a nightmare.
Did I make a wrong decision in not telling Simon?
Would my daughter be happier if he were around? Smile for him more? Love him more than she loved me? The thought broke me a little inside. And yet, even if it were true, she deserved that. Maybe my daughter hating me was recompense for the stupid decisions I’d made when I was eighteen. But even though I was meant to suffer, she didn’t have to.
So, I drew in a deep breath.
“I have some news, sweetheart.”
Macy slowly looked up at me, and I saw concern in her eyes. It was a look of hers I only saw when she thought she might be in trouble. And it made me sick to my stomach. Did she always think she was in trouble with me?
Had I ever been a good mom?
“What is it?” she asked.
I reached out for her, laying my hand over her small forearm.
“Do you remember the promise I made to you? You know, when we last talked about your father?” I asked.
She perked up. “This is about my dad?”
I nodded. “Do you remember?”
“Mhm. You said you’d never lie to me. Ever. Even if the truth kind of hurt a little.”
“Exactly. I told you I’d always be up-front with you. Because you deserve to know what’s going on in your own life.”
“Just tell me Mom.”
I sighed. “He’s in town.”
Her spoon dropped from her hand, and I quickly scooted my chair closer to her. I needed her to listen to me while I talked. There was a lot of information she needed to know. But I had to break it down for her in a way an eight-year-old could digest.
“Macy? Do you have any questions?” I asked.
“Uh… how… I um…”
“Hey, it’s okay. I told you I’d never lie to you. So, whenever you’re ready --”
“Did you see him?” she quickly asked.
I nodded. “I was with him before I came to pick you up from school.”
“Does he live here?”
I paused, shaking my head. “He’s in town visiting his father.”
“Wait, he has a dad here, too?”
“He does.”
“So, I have another granddad?”
I licked my lips. “You do.”
“Does he know about me?”
I nodded. “He does. I’ve been sending him pictures throughout the years.”
She fell back into her chair. “Why didn’t he ever want to meet me?”
I tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “It’s not that he didn’t want to meet you. It’s just—there are a lot of things you don’t know just yet. Things were very complicated when you were born, and I was very young. There was a lot going on and I knew I just needed to focus on taking care of you.”
“But I’ve always wanted a dad.”
“I know that, Macy.”
“No, you don’t. You knew your dad. I don’t know mine.”
“I know. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”
“I want to meet him. Now,” she demanded.
I gazed into her angry eyes. I didn’t disagree with her. It needed to happen. But how could I keep her from feeling all this pain? There were so many unknowns, and it was my job as her mother to sift through those for her. She was eight. The only thing she needed to be concerned about was her homework and which pair of pajamas to wear on movie night.
“Do you know why your granddad and I don’t talk?” I asked.
Macy blinked. “You guys talk.”
“I mean, don’t you ever wonder why we don’t spend holidays together or anything?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s always been that way, I guess.”
“Well, the reason why we don’t do any of those things is because of how Granddad treated your father when we all last saw each other.”
“So, Granddad knows my dad too?”
“He does. And…”
“And he doesn’t like my dad?
I shook my head slowly. “No. Granddad thought I deserved better.”
“Oh.”
I cupped her cheek. “Macy, when your granddad found out I was pregnant, he was very angry. Very disappointed. And things were really hard for me. I was lost. And confused. And really alone.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Don’t ever be. Out of all that loneliness and hardship came you. You’re the light of my life. And I know things have been rough for us. I know I haven’t been the best mother. I was a scared eighteen-year-old with no future ahead of me. But I knew one thing.”
She sniffled. “What’s that?”
“I knew I wanted you, Macy. And I knew that I loved you. More than anything in the whole world.”
She threw her arms around my neck, and I held her close.
“I knew I wanted you, more than anything. And I know I didn’t make all the right decisions. Maybe I should’ve let your other granddad into your life sooner. Maybe it would’ve helped things, I don’t know.”
“I love you, Mommy,” she whispered.
Tears slipped down my cheeks. “Oh, sweetheart, I love you so much.”
The two of us cried in one another’s arms, right there in the middle of the ice cream shop. I didn’t care who was watching or who started the gossip or who passed us by. The only thing that mattered was my daughter’s lanky little body pouring itself into my lap as she tried to get as close as she could.
“Sweetheart, sometimes people don’t make good decisions under pressure. I’m not perfect. I know I could’ve done things better. I know things have been bad sometimes. You know, like our mornings.”
Macy giggled. “They aren’t bad all the time. Saturdays are fun.”
I smiled. “Our Saturdays are fun, aren’t they?”
“I mean, school’s dumb. But the weekends aren’t.”
I laughed. “Well, you’ve got many more years ahead of you with school before you can dip out for good.”
“Do I have to go to college?”
Macy pulled away from me and looked into my eyes.
“How about this? If you don’t want to go to college, then you need to have a plan. When you get into high school someday, we can figure out what there is for you outside of college. Then, with plans in front of us, we’
ll find out what’s right for you. Okay?” I asked.
She smiled brightly. “Okay.”
“I need you to know that I love you. More than anything on this planet. And what I battled during my pregnancy was worth every single drop of sweat. You’re my world, Macy. And I’ll do anything to make you happy. To help you succeed in any way you wish.”
“So, I can see my dad?” she asked.
I nodded slowly. “If that’s what you want, then yes. You can see your father.”
“And my other granddad?”
“Oh, most certainly. That man loves you very much. He’s wanted to meet you for a very long time. I think the two of you will get along very well.”
“Does he like swimming?”
“Most definitely.”
“And coloring?” she asked.
“I bet if you ask him to color with you, he’d do it all afternoon,” I said.
About damn time it all happened anyway. Especially if we all wanted to unravel what the hell actually went down all those years ago.
8
Simon
I paced my father’s house as I waited for the doorbell to ring. The past two days had come and gone in a blur. I didn’t remember much of them, and between this bomb and consulting with my father’s doctors, my patience had run out. I was still beyond angry with my father for hiding my daughter from me. But I was also angry with myself.
Angry that I didn’t reach out.
Angry that I didn’t come back sooner.
Angry that I’d written Arianna off so quickly.
“Fuck!” I exclaimed.
I ran my hands through my hair and peeked out the window to see if anyone was coming up the road. Two o’clock. We all agreed on two o’clock, right after lunch, so hopefully no one was hungry as well as upset. But if they were anything like me? I wasn’t focused enough to eat. All I’d had were my three cups of coffee and half of an apple.
Daddy’s Secret Baby Page 5