The Guy on the Right

by Kate Stewart

  “Fake it until I make it?”

  “Exactly. You’re a scrapper, Laney. You hustle like no one I’ve ever seen. You cannot fail, no matter what you decide.”

  “I stumbled into you.”

  “Glad you did.”

  “Me too.” She’s quiet for so long I assume she’s asleep. I rock us back and forth, just admiring the view and the feel of the girl in my arms.

  “So, you really think I’ll stumble into my future too?”

  “In the best way, yeah,” I say before pressing a gentle kiss to her temple, “I absolutely do.”

  She brings her lips to mine as Deidra calls us inside for pie.

  After a chaste kiss, she looks up at me with a light in her eye that warms me from within.

  “Happy New Year, Houseman.”

  “Happy New Year, Laney.”

  #laidbacknewyears #happierthantwopigsinshit #bestfriendsforeva #perfectday #noresolutionsbutonehelluvakiss #hesallmine #livingourrealestlife

  Theo

  Theo: Hey.

  Laney: Hey Handsome.

  Theo: What are you doing?

  Laney: Not much.

  Theo: Good because I’m pulling up.

  Laney: No!

  Theo: What? Why?

  Laney: Because it’s not a good time.

  Theo: You just said you weren’t busy.

  I roll up the gravel drive to see Ole Faithful, Deidra’s suburban, Devin’s Chevy, and a familiar car that has me slamming on my brakes.

  Panic consumes me as I grapple for the handle staring at the front door of the house, expecting an explosion at any moment. I’m already running up the porch steps as Laney walks out closing the door behind her in full old lady garb, including her Madea wig.

  “Houseman,” she tries to scorn with a guilty shake in her voice. “I told you now is not a good time.”

  “What is Courtney’s car doing here?”

  Her eyes dart left and right. “Don’t get mad. They just wanted to come for a visit.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “It’s long overdue,” she defends, her voice still unsteady. “You know. You can’t keep me from them forever.”

  “Okay, fine. Do you want to tell me what you’re doing dressed like that?”

  “You wouldn’t understand.” She bites her lip pensively, and from inside the house, I hear a shriek.

  “Oh Noooo! Nobody move! My contact!”

  Laney winces.

  “Was that Brenna?”

  “Uh huh?”

  “What wouldn’t I understand?”

  “Just, come back in a few hours, okay?” She drops her voice low. “I’ll make it worth your while.”

  “Yeah, not going to work. Get out of my way.”

  “Houseman, turn around and go back the way you came and no one gets hurt.” She thrusts a finger above my shoulder just as Courtney spouts off.

  “This is football. All the people wanna hear about are touchdowns and injuries. They don’t give a damn ‘bout that grape shit!”

  “Theo, trust me,” she says as I gently push her to the side and step…into an alternate universe.

  All three of my sisters sit on Laney’s couch, wearing different wigs dressed like they’re ready for an ice cream social. Deidra is no less guilty in the rocker, fully decked out twenty years north of her age and her dress looks like it’s made mostly of yarn. All of them look up at me collectively with overdone blue-haired makeup on, margaritas in one hand and scorecards laying in their laps.

  “Boy sperm,” Courtney greets me with a slight slur as I trail my eyes down to Max who has the decency to look mortified in a bonnet.

  I turn to Laney, utterly confused. “Live Old Maid?”

  “It’s Gran’s birthday and the thirtieth anniversary of Steel Magnolias,” Devin supplies, grabbing my hand to usher me into the house. “We decided to celebrate in a way that would make her proud. I’m Shelby, Brenna is Annelle, Courtney is wicked Ouiser, Deidra is M’Lynn, and Jamie is Clairee.”

  “That explains everything,” I’m unable to hide the terror in my voice. “And who are you?” I notice the enhancement to Laney’s chest.

  “Truvy,” she says, blowing out a breath, “played by Dolly Parton. I was going to tell you. But—”

  “That’s our fault,” Jamie explains. “Because you would have never let it happen.”

  “Yes, well, I was worried it would be awkward. Imagine that?”

  “Shut up, Theo. You’re ruining our game,” Courtney says, tipping back more margarita.

  “Game?” I look to my girl for help.

  “We, ugh,” Laney’s cheeks flame. “Well, we spout off our lines as they come and the one who nails the most wins.”

  “It’s the southern bible,” Devin explains as if this behavior is normal. “Any true southern woman worth their salt is going to know a line or two of this movie by heart.”

  “And what’s the prize?”

  Laney shows all her teeth looking up at me fearfully.

  “The golden penis,” they all say in unison.

  “Courtney was in charge of that,” Laney squeaks.

  “Eighteen speeds, brother,” my sister says, pulling a vibrator from a gift bag at her feet. “Would you like to stick around for the demonstration?”

  “I think the boy may pass out,” Deidra says, sipping her drink. “Someone get Drum some pork and beans.”

  They all burst into laughter, and I’m so lost, I may never come back.

  “Walk me out?” I swallow as sweat gathers on my forehead. There is entirely too much estrogen in the room. I turn and run smack into the damned door as my sisters cackle at my back.

  If there is a hell made specifically for me, I couldn’t imagine a better depiction than this. “I’ll see you later,” I say, waving a hand behind me.

  “Aww, at least give him the ass end of the armadillo cake!” That gem is yelled at my back as I take in the brisk air of the porch.

  “Hey, you aren’t mad, are you?” Laney says as I reach my car.

  I turn to her and drag her toward me, her Dolly tits pressing against my chest and try to wrap my head around what I just walked into.

  All I can do is laugh.

  And she laughs with me. “I told you not to go in there.”

  Chuckling I look up at her as she eyes me with caution. “You.”

  “Me?” She asks with doe eyes.

  “Are just…” I shake my head, “incredible.”

  “Really?”

  “Crazy as hell and fucking amazing.” I crush my mouth to her peach-colored lips and kiss the hell out of her. She grips my jacket and sighs into my kiss. When we pull away, I can feel the eyes through the blinds without bothering to turn my head.

  “You know they’re watching.”

  “I couldn’t care less.”

  “So, you’re not mad then?”

  “No, of course not. I was fool enough to think you needed to take them in doses. As it turns out they’re going to be your greatest allies.”

  “I really like them a lot.”

  “Well, they’re all yours,” I say, pressing my lips to hers, “and so am I.”

  Her eyes flood with warmth. “I think it’s going to turn into a slumber party, so I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  “Yes,” I say, giving her one last kiss.

  “Get back in here, Truvy!”

  In my driver’s seat, I turn the ignition and look up to see her on the other side of the hood just as she does a little Marilyn shimmy for me accentuating her puffed up chest before blowing me a kiss and running back inside.

  And that’s when the thud happens. There’s no way I can fall any further.

  I love her.

  #payinghomagetoourqueens #steelmagnoliasanniversary #southernwomansbible #southernpride #truvytits #livingmyrealestlife

  Theo

  I drum my fingers along my thigh, itching to get out of class. Spring break starts in thirty minutes, and I can’t wait to have a solid week of endless Laney
days. Neither of us can really afford to take off anywhere special, but both Troy and Lance left last night, which means I have a week to play house with her.

  The longer the lecture goes on, the more I want to claw my hair out and curse my stupidity for not just taking the day, like half the class. If I weren’t so amped about the week ahead, I would be half asleep like the rest of the dark room, due to the amount of rain cloud cover while the teacher drones on. It’s when the room goes significantly darker that an ominous feeling creeps over me, drawing my attention to the window. And I’m not the only one who notices.

  “Oh my God,” a girl whispers next to me, “is that what I think it is?”

  “Yeah, it is.”

  “Oh SHIT!”

  Camera phones come out like guns in a gangster movie as fear temporarily paralyzes me.

  “Everyone get back in your seats, please,” the instructor says just as more students line up against the room-long span of windows to our left. We all jump when every phone lights up with a weather alert, including mine as I pull it from my backpack.

  Theo: Drop what you’re doing, get Max, get inside. Get in the tub!

  Cursing my stupidity for texting, I frantically dial her number instead and get no answer watching in horror as the cloud circulates at rapid speed toward the ground. I can’t be sure how far away, but I know it’s in the direction of her house.

  My fingers fly over the keys as a girl screams out. “It’s down. It’s down!”

  Theo: Tornado! Get inside. Get in the bathroom! NOW!

  “All of you out in the hall! Now!”

  Fear like I’ve never known races through me as I curse my stupidity for not ever getting Devin’s number. Laney said she would be home. Why isn’t she answering?

  Think, Theo.

  Hardin Sports.

  I Google the number and dial it and am connected to Devin in seconds while still frantically texting Laney.

  “Devin, a tornado just touched down.”

  “I know. I just heard. Chase is with me.”

  “Good, have you talked to Laney?”

  “Not since last night.”

  “Is there a siren near her house?”

  “I think so.”

  “She’s not answering. Please, Devin, tell me there’s a siren! Have you ever heard one there?”

  I can hear the panic in her voice. “I don’t know.”

  “Jesus,” I say my heart hammering, sweat collecting at my forehead. “Okay, try Deidra make sure they’re safe.”

  “I don’t know, Theo, I don’t know if there’s a siren!” She says in a panic.

  “Devin, just call Deidra!”

  “I’m on it!”

  “Come on, baby, look at your phone. Look at your phone.” The prayer tumbles from my lips as my stomach knots. I dial her again keeping my eye on the menacing cloud.

  “Everybody out in the hall! NOW!”

  What if she doesn’t know? What if she’s taking a nap and has no clue? Ripping at my hair, I scramble to the hall with the rest of the students. The phone rings again as I close my eyes, praying she’s not stranded on the side of the road because of that fucking truck. “Pick up, please, pick up.”

  I damn near hit my knees when I hear her voice.

  “I’m in the tub with Max and a flashlight. And emergency Doritos.”

  “Why didn’t you answer me!” I shriek like a tween at the top of my lungs.

  “I got the alert right before you texted, and I was trying to get the mattress off my bed. I couldn’t do it and get Max and talk to you.”

  Too choked up to speak, I wipe my face, unable to form words.

  “So, spring break is starting off with a bang, huh?” I can hear the fear in her voice, and it ruins me.

  “Seems that way,” I say hoarsely.

  “I’m sorry I scared you.”

  “No, I’m just,” I let out a harsh breath. “I’m just glad you’re okay. I called Devin, she’s at the store with Chase, where is your mom?”

  “Mom went to pick up her paycheck, and now she’s scrambling to help get all the patients out of their rooms.”

  “So, you’re alone?”

  “Yes.” My heart bottoms out.

  “Don’t you dare hang up.”

  “I won’t. But I’m kind of digging this bossy side of you.”

  “Wheels are back up,” someone says from behind me. I look to see the menacing cloud has dispersed for the moment.

  “Stay put until I can get to you. Don’t hang up.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  “No! Another could touch down any second! It’s stupid! Houseman, don’t you dare leave!”

  I don’t bother to argue with her, I know how damn stupid it is.

  “Don’t, Theo, please don’t get in the car.”

  “It’ll be fine.”

  “IT WILL NOT BE FINE!”

  There isn’t a hint of humor in her voice when she speaks next. “Remember when I told you stupid men run on impulse? This is a prime example. Do not leave school. Please, please, don’t be a stupid man.”

  I break from the building and sprint toward my car, the only idiot outside, eyes like saucers as I glance in all directions.

  “I can hear you breathing hard, you’re running, aren’t you? Houseman, don’t you dare get in your car!”

  Ignoring her, I turn the ignition and speed through the parking lot.

  “You just started it. You just started your car! If you don’t get killed by a tornado, I’m going to kill you myself!”

  “Is your electricity still on?”

  “Yes.” I can hear the shake in her voice.

  I gun my Honda onto the road from the parking lot looking in all directions.

  “Houseman, park the fucking car and take cover! You know there’s going to be another one! There always is!”

  “Laney, it’s fine. Stop yelling at me.”

  Bluetooth connected, I race through the streets like a madman taking every curve at warp speed as Laney screams at the top of her lungs.

  “This is the dumbest damn thing you’ve ever done!”

  “Stay in the tub!”

  “I am!” She says before grumbling. “He’s going to beat up hurricane-force winds for us, Max. Told you he was a keeper.”

  “That’s enough, Laney!” I shout, as I fishtail on the road leading to hers. I still have five minutes left in the drive going a hundred miles an hour. Adrenaline spiking, I listen closely for sirens.

  “There is no oxygen in that brain of yours! Pull over right now and get somewhere safe!”

  “Laney, I’m going to be the first twenty-one-year-old to have a fucking heart attack in the middle of a tornado, if you don’t shut the hell up!”

  “Don’t you tell me to shut up! You’re risking your life, and for what?”

  “I don’t want you to be alone!”

  “I can handle it!”

  “I can’t! I can’t! I can’t fucking handle it, okay? And you shouldn’t be alone. Not the way you are. All. The. Time. Having to fend for yourself, and figure it out on your own because there’s no one there to help you. I fucking hate it. I hate it for you, and I hate it for your mother. And I hate it that I want you to turn to me when you need me but you’re so damned independent you’re missing the part where I come in, so I’m going to go ahead and point out that time is now. This is where I come in, Laney. Right here, when it’s scary, and I can be there to comfort you and ride it out with you. So, yeah, I would rather die in a fucking tornado than know you’re scared and alone in that house without me.”

  A seconds-long silence ensues as I floor it, taking a turn that would make a gamer jealous.

  “Theo?”

  “I’m here.”

  “You’re a stupid man.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I’m so pissed off at you right now.”

  “I know.”

  “So stupid,” she says tearfully. “You’re a stupid, stupid, good
man. And my hero,” her voice cracks just as I fly down her driveway.

  “I’m here,” I skid to a stop an inch from hitting her porch. I charge up the stairs and through the front door to see the bathroom door open. Max comes running with Laney hot on his heels. She runs full sprint behind Max in a cami and sleeper shorts, relief covering her face as tears run down her cheeks. We collide in the hall, and I lift her as she slams her mouth over mine. Gripping her close, I usher them both back in the bathroom and into the tub, our lips never parting.

  “Idiot,” she murmurs into my mouth as our tongues duel for dominance. She pulls away, batting a tear from her eyes as I pull her down with me to straddle my lap.

  “Stupid ass.” She tugs on my hair, and I see the fire in her eyes as she looks me over in a daze before covering me in her kisses. My temple, my nose, my cheeks, my lips, my throat.

  “Worth it,” I grunt, gripping her waist as she turns on my lap, lifting Max out of the tub to the floor before turning her attention back to me.

  “So stupid,” she whispers, running her tongue along my lower lip, my neck, before pushing her chest toward me. I bite into the meat of her cleavage as she cups me in my jeans before thrusting her tongue into my mouth. It’s a tight fit, but she manages to get good friction. Rock fucking hard, I massage her thighs, kissing her back with equal fervor before she rips herself away, eyes hooded.

  “Total dumbass,” she says, resting her ass on my thighs while unbuttoning my jeans and slowly pulling the zipper down before taking my cock out and pumping it in her fist. “Moron.”

  “Are we having a fight?” I ask through clenched teeth.

  “Yesss,” she hisses, stroking the tip of my dick, her thumb brushing the pre-cum over the head. I damn near lose my shit when she begins to pump my length, eyeing my cock with hunger. Groaning, I look up to see her eyes flare, the rise and fall of her chest. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

  Eyes locked on mine, she rises to position herself pushing her shorts to the side before sinking onto me and surrounding me in tight, wet heat. When she’s fully seated, I see fucking stars. She grinds onto me in slow motion, and I pull off her cami, cupping her perfect tits while I drown in the feel of her.