Inside Voices

by Sarah Davis

  He shook his head.

  “And we go out overnight camping together?” she voiced her now most immediate concern, “knowing this happens?”

  “They have been better,” he said as he tilted his head back against the wall. “Only a few in the past year and a half. I was worried my reaction to the guys on the boat was one, but I was fully conscious and aware of what I was doing. I don’t believe I would have reacted any differently had I been awake and walked up to them shooting narwhals.”

  The silence hung heavy between them.

  “I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from my military service.” He rubbed his shoulder. “I was shot during, well. I can’t really say. There were skirmishes with hostiles. Anyway. I’ve tried different sleeping medications, antidepressants, antipsychotics. Everything made me…numb. I became a zombie. I didn’t want to relive the pain and grief, but I also didn’t want to be trapped by a drug-induced freeze. I didn’t want to resort to alcohol or other drugs. Army offered a place for me here to help him out. My counselor has me trying behavioral therapy, sleeping medicines only when absolutely necessary.” He paused with a shuddering breath. “There are many times when I think that I will spend my life with Army. Or alone, because how could I put someone else through that?”

  Penny arose and walked over to him. She slid down the wall to sit next to him. The sound of Edgar ruffling his feathers drifted to their ears in the quiet. Blue dropped down next to Penny and laid his head on her leg.

  “I started having nightmares and panic attacks months after the death of my father…and the school massacre. I would be sitting in a college lecture and sweat would start to roll off me, soaking my shirt. The doctors and counselors prescribed meds that messed me up. It didn’t help to talk. I couldn’t find the words. So, a counselor suggested writing. My sister wrote because she liked making up stories, but she also used it to cope. I tried it. It helped me separate reality from fiction. A year went by before the attacks and nightmares became less frequent.” She ran her hands through her hair pulling it back from her face. She winced from the pain in her neck. “I guess you never completely get over it,” she huffed. “There is too much joy in life to fall into despair. The days I allowed myself to stay away from activities like playing guitar or exercise…even the fighting in Krav Maga…were the worst. The days I made myself get up and live…those were the days that saved my life. But an awesome support system helps.” She reached over and grabbed his hand, giving it a slight squeeze.

  “My counselor has encouraged me to write down my experiences and nightmares. My feelings.” He snorted. “I am not good at talking or writing about my feelings.”

  “If nothing else is working, what could it hurt, hmmm? They would be just for you, not for anyone else to read or look through. Mine are too raw and too intimate for me to read through, but they are to help me and me alone. You could try to draw pictures of your feelings. You know, doodle. No, don’t laugh. Doodling is a form of expression. I could show you some of my doodles, if you wanted.”

  Noah looked at her out of the corner of his eyes. “Right now?” he asked, voice subdued, as if frightened to ask.

  She released his hand and retrieved her journal from her room, then thumbed through the heavily inked pages until she found several drawings. She slid back down the wall to resume her position alongside him on the floor. Hesitantly, she held the book out to him.

  “Don’t try to figure out what they mean. I am not sure I could even tell you without reading the before and after pages. It’s safe to assume there was fear, anger, sadness, resentment, guilt, yadda yadda blah blah.”

  He peered at the two pages before him.

  Anxiety pulsed through Penny over revealing her journal. Maybe this isn't a good idea, maybe he will judge me… Doubts started to fill her mind until her rational brain took over. Maybe this will help him; maybe he will know he isn’t alone in how he feels.

  Noah cleared his throat. “I am not sure my doodles would be so vivid or convey such feeling, but I think that I am willing to give it a try.” He closed the book with a snap. While still holding it, he grabbed Penny’s hand and placed it on the cover, holding it down with his own. “Thank you for showing me this,” he said, his voice husky. “I know it wasn’t easy. And I’m sorry I hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.” He leaned close and gave her a feathery kiss on her cheek. She responded by throwing her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. They stayed like that for several heartbeats before releasing their hold on one another. Penny smiled shyly and retrieved the book that had fallen between them.

  “I have faith in you, Noah. Just don’t lose faith in yourself,” she said as she walked away, returning her book to its hiding spot in her room. The cub snuffled, and his cries grew across the room from the wooden crate. She picked the crate up and walked back to the living room.

  “Here, take Fjord,” she said, as she handed the cub and a blanket to Noah.

  “Fjord?”

  “Yeah, I just came up with it. It sounds good, right?” she asked nervously. “It would work for a male or female, although I suspect it is a he. Plus, I am a Viking descendant, or so I am told. The dark hair is a dead giveaway.”

  Noah shook his head. “Whatever you say. Fjord sounds like a good enough name to me, although it may be too soon to name him. He may not make it more than a few days.”

  “Yes, yes, but right now I needed something more than ‘it’ or ‘the cub.’” Penny started to gather the ingredients to make the formula. When she glanced over her shoulder, Fjord suckled on Noah’s hand. A quiet humming emanated from the tiny creature. She swatted Noah on the shoulder, reprimanding him for providing his fingers for a pacifier.

  Much later that morning, Eelyn called to check in. Penny asked her mother hypothetically if it would be possible to raise a newborn polar bear cub.

  Eelyn paused to consider this question. “Of course, they raise them at zoos where there is enough support staff and medical intervention should it be needed. It would take much more supportive care than a puppy or a foal. For an individual, I think it would be quite hard and most likely illegal.”

  Penny asked if anyone would really care that much. “The polar bear is a threatened species. Rescue and survival of any of the species should be of great importance.”

  “Yes, threatened, threatening, respected, and feared. For good reasons all.” Eelyn changed the topic, sharing several brief stories of her and her sister’s activities. Her mother’s enthusiasm over spending time with Aunt B lifted Penny’s spirits.

  Penny and Noah continued feeding the cub every two hours. During the first twenty-four hours, he failed to finish even half of the intended amount. But his appetite grew, and he finished more each time until he was eating the entire amount after three days.

  The mental connection between Penny and the cub was vague, akin to what she experienced with newborn puppies or foals at the veterinary hospital in Pasadena. Its mental state focused on feelings of sleepiness, feeding and evacuation. His desires stirred within her mind like leaves dancing lightly in a breeze.

  She was a bit worried about how much he sneezed when he nursed, but she listened to his lungs with her mother’s stethoscope and took his temperature twice a day. Thus far, all appeared within normal limits per her internet reference materials. The day her mother would return approached, but another strong storm system pushed through central and southern Alaska, extending down to the lower forty-eight states and shutting down airline travel for twenty-four hours. She was unable to reschedule her flight back into Utqiaġvik for an additional two days.

  Since the discovery of the cub and subsequent seclusion indoors, Penny and Lucy spent a lot of time together unless Noah was visiting; then Lucy shut herself away. Penny missed how her sister used to be: social, energetic. Happy. But she refrained from accusing her sister of being rude for that would have been unhelpful. Lucy did not participate in feeding the cub. Because of her frail condition, Penny didn’t push the matter;
although, she would gladly have accepted the help and a chance to get a bit more sleep. After only seven days, she was becoming exhausted.

  Noah continued sneaking over before midnight, determined to keep their secret from Army a bit longer. Army pestered Noah about Penny’s absence from wrestling and self-defense class. Word got around in small towns. “She has a really bad cold,” was enough to prevent Army from visiting, although he dropped off soup and cold pills. Bless him.

  As the days progressed and Fjord began eating more, his cries began to take on more volume, becoming less kitten-like and more baby-like.

  Noah allowed Fjord to suck on his fingers, against Penny’s protests. Fjord would massage back and forth with his tiny paws while a loud gravelly vibration emanated from his tiny frame. Because the literature indicated it should not be done, Penny avoided allowing Fjord to suckle on her fingers, but she caved eventually as it pacified the little bear while his food was prepared.

  She received a message from her mother indicating the time her flight would land the following day. After an uneasy night due to excitement and anxiety, Penny fell soundly asleep on the recliner and slept through the scheduled time to pick her mother up at the airport. Her phone, void of charge, sat next to her.

  Sometime later, she was shaken awake. Angry at the interruption, she puffed up, ready to throw a punch at whoever spoiled her nap. Blinking away her grogginess, she realized her mother stood next to her.

  “Oh my gosh. Mother! I am so sorry. I fell asleep. How did you get home?” Penny rubbed her eyes one-handed. The other held a tight bundle. Nervous energy prickled up and down her.

  Completely awake, she stood to give her mother an awkward one-armed hug.

  “Army came to get me, dear. Are you okay?” Eelyn took a moment to brush hair from Penny’s face. “You look exhausted. Army is worried about you. Says you missed practice because you haven’t been well.” Blue approached and nuzzled Eelyn’s hand. Her attention briefly diverted to the canine.

  Penny motioned for her mother to sit opposite her on the couch. Not knowing the best way to present her case to her mother, she sat next to her and passed her the now moving bundle. Eelyn folded back a corner of the blanket, revealing the head. In his wakefulness and hunger, his wiggling and rooting caused more of the blanket to fall away.

  “Penny, tell me this is not what I think it is,” she said quietly.

  A nervous chuckle escaped Penny. “Well, that depends on what you think it is. A white wolf it is not. Nor is it a white dragon. No scales, see. Just white fur and pink skin that will change to black skin. With white fur.”

  “So, this is what the talk about polar bears was about. And here Army was concerned about your physical health. About the possibility of you and Noah sneaking around. Where in the world, how did you, when…” Eelyn faltered. Then she just said, “Talk.”

  Penny started her tale with crossing paths with the female bear digging in the snow. Then the nightmare she had the night before Eelyn left. About Noah and her taking the teams out and finding the scene that disrupted her dreams. How they inspected the area once the male departed. Noah collecting the female’s skin. Searching the den and discovering two cubs, one dead and one holding on to life.

  “I acted without really thinking, Mother. I couldn’t leave it to die. Not if I could do something to help it.” Penny knew the longer her mother held the cub, the better her chances were at keeping him, so Penny rose to start making Fjord’s formula.

  “We can’t keep him. I could lose my license. We could get kicked out of Alaska…or have an indefinite stay at some nice penitentiary…” Eelyn’s voice trailed off.

  “You won’t lose your license. No one will turn you in. I’m the one who took Fjord.” Bottles rattled, and Esbilac sloshed on the counter in her haste. “I found information on the care of captive polar bears, which, all-in-all, is pretty detailed. It is amazing what you can get from the net. Anyway, Noah has been helping me with Fjord. We made a schedule so that I can get some sleep at night.”

  Eelyn followed her to the kitchen commenting that, yes, she most certainly could lose her license and that obviously Penny had not been getting enough sleep or she wouldn’t have forgotten to pick up her mother at the airport.

  “I really am sorry about that. And you are right. But it will get easier. He will grow out of this stage.”

  “Noah. And Fjord,” Eelyn said.

  “Yes, Noah has been helping. And I named him Fjord. I am quite certain the cub is male.”

  Eelyn almost tripped over backwards on top of Blue who followed closely behind her. She said something that rhymed with lamb hog.

  Penny extricated Fjord from her mother’s grasp and sat down at the kitchen table to feed the hungry bear.

  Penny glimpsed Eelyn’s dumbstruck gaze before placing her attention on the cub.

  “Look, I know there are a lot of ‘ifs’ and other questions. But bottom line, I won’t kill him, nor will I let you do it. Think of it like an unexpected pregnancy. We accept and we adapt. Figure it out.”

  Penny thought she heard her mother mumble about a preference for an unexpected pregnancy before she more audibly asked if Army knew about the cub.

  “No, just this family and Noah. At least for now.”

  Eelyn then sent an emergency meeting request to Army and Noah.

  Tough Decision

  “Well, now that you are fully aware of what has been transpiring on your property, what do you think? What do we do?” Eelyn asked after Army was brought up to speed.

  He sat, quietly chewing on his bottom lip, looking down at the table in the Osborn’s kitchen for several long moments. And then a bit longer.

  Finally, Eelyn broke the silence.

  “Army?”

  Do you need me to join in the discussion?

  No, Lu. It’s fine. I can handle it.

  Penny, get a pencil and paper and make a list. Penny did and began writing down the things Lucy listed off in her head as the rest of them continued to sit in silence as they watched her.

  1. Kill it.

  2. Find someone else to take it…zoo, wildlife sanctuary, etc.

  3. Keep it.

  She placed her pencil on the table and cleared her throat.

  “Okay, here is a list of things we can do with Fjord. First, we can euthanize him. We could, but we won’t…at least not without good reason. Second, we could investigate placing him in a zoo or other sanctuary. And finally, we can keep him and do the best we can. I picked him up out of the cave where he was sure to die and brought him back and cared for him. We,” she pointed to Noah, “researched the care and habitat for captive bears, and I think the first six months of life are manageable.”

  Penny studied Army to judge his reaction. State law prohibited the owning of a wolf-hybrid in Alaska; however, Noah and Army managed their way around that law. Utqiaġvik was not located within a reservation, but the North Slope held thousands of acres of tribal land. Perhaps Army could find a loophole for the bear.

  Army shifted uncomfortably as he scanned sideways over at the sleeping cub in Noah’s lap.

  “Possession of wildlife in Alaska is illegal, Penny.”

  Okay, no loophole.

  “Your mother could lose her veterinary license. Maybe even face fines.” He continued. “A wolf-hybrid is a bit easier to conceal as it resembles a dog.” His searching gaze traveled between Penny and Eelyn. “I could do a bit of research on the sly for animal procurement. Maybe rehabbing offers a path. It would be easier to pass him off once he is a few months old or by next summer. I won’t even speculate. I would rather check and make sure. I do know that as fast as that cub will grow, if it lives…well, it will make it difficult to hide him by the end of summer. Even in Utqiaġvik.”

  Noah piped up. “I found a few different locations that would be far enough from town to raise a yearling cub. One place could be fixed up without anyone knowing. It’s that old underground bunker and airstrip that John Reams has, thirty miles out
east along the coast. He and his family live in Juneau.” Noah saw the frown appear on his uncle’s chiseled face. “Or we could ask him if we can use it. Oh, come on Army. You know he wouldn’t mind. He checks up on it every summer, repairs things as needed. It would be a good place.”

  “Is no one worried that you would be raising a people killer?” Eelyn shrieked.

  “Do you worry about me turning into a killer? Does any parent? Or do you do the best you can to instill morals and empathy into us so that we can make the best decisions?” Penny shot back.

  “But you are human. Not a bear! I trust you to do the right, ethical human things in life. I trust Fjord to do what bears do, and with so much association with people that is implied by some of you, that places him in a different spectrum than your regular old, average one-thousand-pound, white-haired, hungry mammal that is known to stalk people. Now, I am all for waiting to see what we all can find for other options because I know Penny is against euthanizing him. But, at any time we determine that is what must be done, then that is what will happen. Understand?” Eelyn grew a bit wild and wide-eyed toward the end of her tirade

  Give her a few feedings. She will fall for him, too, Lucy commented.

  Uncertainty clouded Lucy’s comment as she started to think their mother wouldn’t cave. Adorable or not, she knew how much mischief young dogs could do. Case in point, Blue. She didn’t own a shoe without chew marks no matter her attempted mental influences. A juvenile bear may do the same to their door or their couch. Penny sighed, conceding to her mother’s wishes.

  “Penny, you have any more visions?” Army asked.

  Eelyn’s head whipped around. “Visions?”

  Penny rubbed the back of her neck and let out a slow breath. She peeked at Noah out of the corner of her eye and found he was staring at the mural behind Army. She followed his gaze, and her own landed on Edgar who sat ruffled on his perch.

  “I did about this cub. Well, not actually about the cub. I dreamt about the death of the mother polar bear one night and then convinced Noah to go out looking for her the next day. I didn’t tell him about it before so don’t look at him like he did anything wrong. The scene we came upon was the same that I dreamt. And then further searching led me to him.” She gestured to the cub.