A Pale Light in the Black

by K. B. Wagers

  I’m doing okay. This is both harder and easier than . . . well, I can’t say I imagined it happening. That’s always in the back of our minds, though, right? The fact that we could get injured or killed on the job. And yet, I never seriously considered it would be me because I spent all my time worrying about keeping Jenks safe.

  It’s been quiet since you left. I’m grateful Stephan and Luis visit as much as they do, though I know they have work of their own to focus on. I’m supposed to focus on getting better, whatever that means. This ankle is proving to be a bigger pain in the ass than my missing arm. I’m tired of not being able to walk.

  Sorry, I probably should have waited until I was in a slightly better mood before I emailed you back. I hope you’re well, take care of yourself out there.

  —N

  T-minus Ten Weeks until the Boarding Games

  “We go through this door, I’m going low left with Akane right behind me. Jenks and Max are sweeping to the right—low, high.” D’Arcy pointed at them in turn, grinning at Jenks’s noise of protest. “You’re always low, Jenks, deal with it.”

  “Discrimination,” she muttered. “We’ll come around that corner, yeah? There’s no cover.”

  “Right. You’ll have to make some.”

  “I’m putting yogurt in your coffee tomorrow,” Jenks said, and D’Arcy raised an eyebrow at her.

  “The warning actually makes me nervous. We’re going on three. Ready?”

  “I’ve got an idea,” Jenks said, and Max’s half groan, half laugh echoed above her. “No seriously, you trust me?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Okay, we’re ready.”

  The door hissed open and Jenks scrambled through, Max above her. “Stay.” She scanned for a target, found one, and sprinted the short distance. The first man went down with a sword strike to the back and then Jenks hit the unsuspecting Neo next to him hard enough to knock the air from his lungs. “Hey, Piper, how are you?”

  “Gonna need my lungs realigned, Jenks, you asshole. What are you doing?” Petty Officer Piper demanded when she picked him up.

  “Come on, LT. Got our cover.” The presence of guns on ships was rare, a deadly decision that could cost everyone on board their lives, but it didn’t mean that the Neos didn’t need to train against them, and their occasional appearance in the Boarding Action was proof enough of that.

  “I hate you so much,” Piper said, jerking involuntarily as the shots from his teammates slammed into his suit. “Your PO is a menace, Carmichael.”

  Jenks felt Max reach past her shoulder to pat Piper. “I know, but she’s our menace. Hold for a moment, Jenks.”

  Jenks stopped moving and Max fired off six shots in quick succession. The silence that followed was quickly filled with cursing.

  “Time!” Rosa’s voice came over the channel. “Nice shooting there, Carmichael.”

  “Didn’t even leave any cleanup for us,” D’Arcy said, laughter thick in his voice. “Jenks, did you use Piper as a human shield?”

  Jenks set Piper down as the lights came up, holding on to him so he didn’t fall over. “I dislike not having cover, D’Arcy. You know that.”

  There was more laughter as the members of Orbital Jam came out from their cover.

  “Good shooting there,” Captain Haltz said to Max as she stuck out a hand. “You’re all going to kick some serious ass at the Games if you keep that up.”

  “Thanks, Captain.”

  Max sat down next to Jenks, the warmth of the bio-recycler wrapping around her. “Brought you a beer.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Can we talk?”

  “Sure.”

  “About Nika.” Jenks’s face was a blank slate and nerves made the words pour out of Max’s mouth. “I’m not—it’s not like that.”

  “Then what is it? I like you, Max, but you break his heart and I’ll be legally obligated to put my fist in your face.”

  “I don’t know what it is. I don’t even know what I want it to be.” Max shoved both hands in her hair, the miserable feeling sloshing in her stomach. “I just don’t want it to interfere with our friendship. We are friends, right?”

  Jenks chuckled, bumping her shoulder into Max’s. “We are, LT. Whatever gods are out there help your poor soul.” She sobered quickly and gave Max a serious look. “My brother is a good person and so are you. This world kinda sucks, all we’ve really got is each other. I can’t tell you what to do here. I wouldn’t. If you like him, that’s all that matters.”

  “I like him, but I’m not good at this. I never have been. It helps to have a name for it and to know why, but it doesn’t change the fact that I worry all the damn time over every word that comes out of my mouth.” She waved her arms helplessly. “I like his brain.” She sighed and put her face in her hands. “That sounds weird, doesn’t it?”

  “To me, yeah,” Jenks said, and put her hand on Max’s back. “But we come at this from two different directions. Butts, brains, whatever works, right? You really should be having this conversation with him, though, you know.”

  “I know.” The words were a groan between her fingers. “I’ve been kinda busy.”

  “Yeah, hunting mysterious drug lords. Training for the Games. Whatever. I know excuses when I see them.” Jenks snorted. “But look, everyone’s fumbling their way around this damn thing. I am shit at relationships. They’re too much work, too fucking dangerous. I’m a selfish bitch.”

  “You are not.”

  Jenks took a drink of her beer and stared at the surface of Jupiter swirling in the massive window. “You remember the prelims when I knocked out Pashol?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Right before that Luis told me he loved me.”

  Max sat up and blinked. “Wait, let me get this straight. Luis told you he loved you, so you punched out Commander Pashol?”

  “I said I’m no good at this, Max.”

  “Yeah, me either.”

  They sat in silence for a long moment, Max finally reaching out and tapping a short nail on the bottle in Jenks’s hand. “You asked me why I don’t drink. It feels like a lifetime ago, but it wasn’t all that long, was it?” She laughed, the sound bitter even to her ears.

  “You don’t have to tell me—”

  “No, it’s fine. Nothing all that explosive, really. My folks drank a lot when I was growing up, and they fought even more. All very carefully out of the public eye because—Carmichael.” She waved her hands in the air, blinking back the tears. “God, I hate that it still gets to me. It’s stupid, but I sometimes think I would have totally taken a life on the streets instead of what I had to deal with.”

  “Max.” Jenks turned her head to stare at her. “Did they—”

  “Nah.” Max shook her head, surprised by the muscle ticking away in Jenks’s arm as she gripped her beer. Warmth wrapped itself around her heart, easing the hurt, and she reached out to put her hand on Jenks’s forearm. “They wouldn’t have dared to hit us. I don’t even think that’s fair to say because I don’t think it occurred to them to hit us. But they took their fucking fury out on each other and us with words and that still hurt.

  “My mother had done her duty, and while there’s at least some affection between them, I never doubted that my father married her because she was a Carmichael. He took her name without the slightest hesitation because he knew what it would give him. They don’t love each other. The thought of a life like that makes me sick.” She spread her hands. “So I don’t drink. I spent enough of my childhood without any control over my life and I don’t want to end up like them.”

  “Holy fuck, Max.”

  Max shrugged. “Eh, it wasn’t a completely terrible childhood. Like you said, I got to sleep in a bed every night and had three squares a day.”

  “Naw, that was a dick thing to say. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Sometimes I even got a snack.”

  “Let me apologize, for fuck’s sake.” Jenks cleared her throat when Max stared at her. �
�Yeah, my childhood sucked. But then I met Babulya and even though the time I got to spend with her was too short, I got Nika out of the deal. And I never once asked myself if they truly loved me for me, you know? So I’m sorry for giving you so much shit, LT, you didn’t deserve it.”

  Max leaned her shoulder into Jenks’s. “Thanks.”

  “Your family sucks.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Sooo.” Jenks drew the word out. “I have a proposition for you, and I hope you know how painful this is for me to even suggest, but I promise I’ll talk to Luis if you talk to my brother.”

  Max felt her chest constrict. “Is there a time limit on this?”

  Jenks drained the last of her beer and then rolled the bottle between her palms. “Call it a week because I am a coward but if I dodge Luis’s coms for much longer he’s going to fly out here himself to corner me. I don’t care what he says about being patient, no one is that patient.”

  Max was reasonably sure Luis was that patient, but she swallowed down her laughter. “Deal,” she said, patting Jenks on the back as she stood. “I’ve got some paperwork to tackle anyway, maybe I’ll see if Nika has a moment to talk.”

  “Overachiever.”

  Max laughed and waved a hand, heading for the exit. Anxiety took the place of her amusement as she stepped into the low-g tube and dropped toward the passage for the quarters.

  “Hey, Max.” Lieutenant Amalie Dubois from the Impossible Star waved at her, stepping back as Max grabbed for the bar. “We’re headed to the gym for a game of no-g dodgeball, you wanna come?”

  “I’ve got some work to catch up on, but thank you.” It surprised her to realize she kind of wanted to go, and not just to put off the impending com with Nika. “Also, watch out for Hudson’s sidearm throw. I had a welt the color of a nebula for a week when we played last.”

  Amalie laughed. “Duly noted. Have a good night, Max.” She waved and jumped backward off into the tube.

  Sapphi and Tamago were curled up on Sapphi’s bunk when Max came into the quarters. “Hey, LT. We’re just starting Last Stand at the Houndstooth Saloon if you want to watch.”

  “Thanks, but I’m going to use the com and then finish up some reports.”

  “Sure thing.” Sapphi grinned and flipped her VR visor shut.

  Max dug through the chest at the end of her bunk, the one she’d moved into after they’d returned from the preliminaries, and grabbed for her tablet. The office was empty and a check of the team calendar told her Ma was off to dinner with some friends and Rosa was practicing in the gym.

  “All right, Max, just suck it up and send him a message.” She tapped out the email and hit send before she could stop herself, and then dove headfirst into the mission briefings for the next week until her DD chip pinged with a message from Coms.

  “Hey, Sully.”

  Sullivan smiled at her. “Hey, Max, got a call for you from Commander Vagin.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I’ll put it through to your tablet.”

  “Shut up, you brat.”

  They grinned again and Max resisted the sudden urge to smooth her hair before Nika’s image appeared on her tablet.

  “Max, what’s up?” He looked better. The pain that had been etched onto his face was gone and his hair had grown out some during his medical leave. He was dressed in a plain white T-shirt and an unzipped gray hoodie. She could see the pinned-up sleeve, despite how he’d angled his right side away from the camera. He’d started doing that, and she wondered if it was a conscious choice or not.

  “How are you? You look good.”

  He smiled, a slow, knowing smile that made her feel at home. “I am good, or better, at least. Getting fitted for my prosthetic tomorrow. Stephan seems to think that once I get used to it the muscle memory for sword fighting will be easy to refresh.” This time his smile was tighter and Max felt an ache for everything he’d lost.

  “I’m sure he’s right.”

  “Anyway. Your dad called me.”

  That she hadn’t been expecting, and Max blinked at him for several seconds, trying to process both the words and the grin Nika was aiming at her. “Why?”

  “To check up on me. You know most of that ship ride to Earth was a haze of pain meds, right? I wasn’t all that focused on what was going on outside of my arm and you all. Was there a point where you were going to tell me my doctor was your father?”

  Max looked at the ceiling instead of meeting Nika’s curious gaze. “I figured you’d get the news sooner or later.”

  “To be honest, every time someone said ‘Carmichael’ I just thought of you.” Nika shoved his left hand into his hair, peeking at her past his arm. “He—”

  “If he said something about me, I don’t want to hear it.” Max squeezed her eyes shut until the threat of tears subsided, and when she opened them again, Nika was staring at her with a concerned frown pulling at his mouth.

  “He didn’t, Max, and—shit—” He blew out a breath. “I know he’s your dad, but all this is fucking cold of him. You’re an adult and damn good at your job, and he should at least be proud of you for that. Look, I had my own shit father. He drank himself to death when I was twelve, left my mother and me at the mercy of some pretty nasty individuals. I almost—sorry. I just wanted to tell you that I understand, at least a little of it. If my father were still alive I wouldn’t want anything to do with him, either.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’m sorry, Max. That’s probably not why you wanted to talk.” Nika tipped his head to the side and studied her. “So, what’s up?”

  She wanted this, Max realized. Wanted to see where this path in her new life would take her. She was done living scared. She’d walked away from the life her family wanted for her, but in some ways had still been living in that shadow. It was time to let go of all of it.

  “I know I don’t have a lot of experience with this.” Her heart was hammering in her chest. “And I don’t want to make something out of nothing, so it’s easier to just ask you straight out. What are we?” She winced. But he smiled that smile again, rubbing at his chin with his hand.

  “Ah. To be honest, I don’t know, Max. What do you want us to be?”

  “I don’t know,” she choked out, suddenly miserable. “Jenks said—”

  “You’ve been talking to my sister? Max.” Nika’s laugh was half-amused, half-frustrated. “I love Jenks, but she is not the person to talk to about emotions. Half the time she doesn’t know what she’s feeling and the other half she’s trying to convince herself that she’s not feeling it. If you want to wait to have this conversation, I’m okay with that.”

  “No, it’s not that. We were talking and the subject came up and she said I really should be talking to you about everything.” Max rubbed at her face and attempted a smile. “Only, I don’t know where to start?”

  “How about with what you said to her?”

  “I like your brain. Oh my god.” Max buried her face in her hands. “I’m hanging up, right now, and going to space myself.”

  “Max, don’t hang up.” Nika was laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, but it was warm and delighted, smoothing away Max’s embarrassment with an ease that stole her breath. “For what it’s worth, I like your brain, too.”

  “I’m never going to live this down, am I?”

  Nika’s grin morphed into a smile that was much softer. “I’m hoping I’ll get to tease you about it for a good many years, Max. Right now I’m good with us being friends. You don’t have to push it into anything you’re not comfortable with.”

  “What if I want to?”

  “I’m totally okay with that, too.”

  “Oh.” The flutters were back, but Max managed a smile through them. “Well, all right.”

  “We good?”

  “I think so.”

  He rested his chin on his hand. “So, tell me what kind of trouble you all have been getting into since I talked to you last.”

  T-min
us One Week until the Boarding Games

  “Welcome to the Games, Zuma’s Ghost, you’re cleared to proceed to dock ninety. A representative will meet you to take you to your quarters in the village.”

  “Thanks much, Games Control,” Rosa replied, and clicked off the com. She leaned back in her seat as Ma brought the Interceptor around in a wide arc toward the flashing lights of their assigned dock. She spotted Dread Treasure coming in for their landing in the dock next to them.

  The Boarding Games facility was a collection of buildings covering thirty square kilometers on the western edge of what was once the ruins of a major American city, but was now a sprawling and thriving community built almost exclusively around the annual event of the Games.

  “Everyone on the bridge,” Rosa announced over the team channel, and the scrambling of feet answered her. Sapphi and Tamago were wearing identical grins. Jenks was practically vibrating with excitement, while Max looked as though she was going to pass out. “Breathe,” Rosa said with a smile.

  “Trying to, Commander.” Max winced when Jenks slapped her on the back.

  “Everyone except for Max knows the ground rules, but we’ll go over them anyway. For the next week I expect you all to eat regular meals. Easy on the drinking. Get your fucking sleep. You’ve got a week to get used to being on Earth, so take advantage of the downtime. We’ll meet in the main gym for practice unless otherwise noted on your calendar.” She put her hand out, palm up. “I want you all to know how proud of you I am, no matter what happens here. You’re a great team, I couldn’t ask for better.”

  Jenks slapped her hand down on Rosa’s, the others piling on top. “Motherfucking NeoG is here to kick some ass.”

  Rosa laughed. “Too right, Jenks. I’ll see you all later. Stay out of trouble.”

  The group scattered, leaving Rosa and Ma alone in the ship. Rosa watched Jenks grab Max by the hand as they left and suppressed a sigh of relief. They’d all jelled better than she could have hoped for. Whatever happened with these Games, she’d meant what she said. This Interceptor team was one of the best she’d built.