A Pale Light in the Black

by K. B. Wagers

  “You good?” Ma asked, patting her shoulder as he passed.

  “Beyond the normal nerves?” She pulled him into an impulsive hug. “Yeah, I am.”

  “Good to hear.”

  “Permission to come aboard?” The high, clear voice of her younger daughter echoed through the ship and Ma laughed.

  “Granted.” Rosa slipped out of the embrace and came down the stairs to meet Gloria and scoop her up into a hug, but her daughter sidestepped her.

  “Can I go to the bridge?”

  Rosa blinked, recovered, and nodded her head toward the stairs. “Ma’s up there, go on. Where’s Isobelle?”

  “Out front with Jenks and Max.” Angela’s reply, and her smile, were strained. “Gloria waited longer than I thought she would.”

  “It’s fine.” Rosa took her wife’s outstretched hand and pulled her against her. “Means I get to do this,” she said, and dropped her mouth to Angela’s, letting the taste of her wife smooth away the worry.

  “I missed you,” Angela whispered against her mouth before sinking into the kiss. “How long do you think we can get away with leaving Gloria on the bridge?”

  Rosa pressed her forehead to Angela’s for a moment before kissing her again. “Seems like she’d be fine there indefinitely, but I have to go check us in. Is she okay?” She felt her wife tense under her hands and frowned. “What is it?”

  Angela forced a smile. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

  “I’m surprised Mom didn’t come with you.”

  Angela’s smile faded. “She said she’d come up for the Games but didn’t feel up to the whole thing.”

  Worry spiked and Rosa frowned again. “Is she okay?”

  “She’s fine.”

  Rosa knew that look and cupped her wife’s face. “What is it?”

  “I don’t want to bother you with it. You’ve got enough on your plate.”

  “Ange, come on. I am capable of multitasking, you know.” That sparked a small smile and Rosa pressed. “I’ll worry more if you don’t tell me, not to mention make up some awful scenario that involves you leaving me.”

  Angela laughed. “Never in a million years.” She took a deep breath. “Okay, your mom is a little—‘frustrated’ is probably the best word—with Gloria. Or me, it’s hard to tell at the moment.” She worried at her lower lip, looking past Rosa as an array of emotions scrolled through her eyes.

  Rosa kept her questions in her mouth. She’d learned over the years that Angela needed the space to find the right words. Her darling mechanical engineer wife, so serious and precise. So unwilling to give things over to emotion and faith.

  Finally she said, “Gloria doesn’t want to go to church anymore.”

  “Ah.” Rosa breathed the word, surprised by the hurt blooming in her chest. She held it down with the firmest hand she could. My faith is mine. It is not to push on anyone, not even my own daughter.

  “She’s skipped church two weeks in a row now. The first time she claimed a stomachache, so obviously I let her stay home. But the second week I knew she was fine and just didn’t want to go. Rosa, you know I have been as supportive of this as I can be, but—” Angela shoved her hands into her hair. “Your mother. It’s worse than when Isobelle stopped going. She was already at our house the second weekend when Gloria said her stomach hurt and she didn’t want to go.”

  Rosa sighed and rubbed a hand over her face. “I can guess how that went.”

  “Your mother tried to drag her out the door. Gloria had a meltdown, complete incoherent screaming, and I—” Angela’s hands were shaking and Rosa spotted the tears in her eyes before she turned her back. “I lost my temper, love, and I am so sorry.”

  “Hey, don’t do that.” Rosa crossed to her, wrapping her arms around Angela from the back and pressing their cheeks together. “You have done so much work, Ange, so much parenting all alone while I’ve been gone. I’ve got your back on this.”

  “Are you still going to say that when you hear what I said?”

  “Yes.”

  Angela laughed, the sound bitter and sharp. “Rosa, I told her Gloria didn’t want to go to church anymore. That she doesn’t want confirmation right now and she doesn’t know what she believes. She accused me of poisoning our daughter against God, and—” Angela choked on the words and Rosa tightened her grip.

  “I know my mother, I can guess. And she’s wrong. Look at me.” She turned her wife around, cupping her tearstained face. “Gloria’s our daughter and we agreed, didn’t we, that our children would get to make that decision and when they made it we would support it?”

  The relief on Angela’s face almost undid Rosa’s own fractured composure. “We did, but—”

  “No. We agreed. I’m not going back on that. She’s old enough to make the decision. Gloria’s life is hers—not ours, certainly not my mother’s. I won’t lie and say it doesn’t sadden me a little that she doesn’t want to be part of my faith, but it’s my burden to carry. I’m not putting it on her.”

  “She’s terrified you won’t want to be her mother anymore.”

  “What?” Rosa gasped in shock, hands falling at her sides as Angela’s whispered, broken words slammed into her and her daughter’s sudden avoidance made sense. “Is that why she was so standoffish? Why would she—please tell me my mother didn’t say that to her.”

  “Not in so many words, but it’s what Gloria took away from the shouting match.”

  “How dare she!” Rosa spun, stalking for the console, a red haze of fury coating her vision and clogging the breath in her lungs.

  “Rosa, no.” Angela grabbed her by the arm, holding out her other hand. “I won’t lie, part of me wants to listen to you tear into your mother. But I know you, you’ll say something you’ll regret later.”

  Rosa dragged in a breath and then another until the rage settled into a dull roar in the back of her head. She took a step toward Angela, burying her face against her wife’s shoulder. “I hate it when you’re right.”

  Angela chuckled. “I know. I love you. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault. You’ve been living your truth. I would never begrudge you that. I couldn’t.”

  “Everything okay?” Ma asked.

  “Yeah,” Rosa mumbled, reluctantly pulling away from Angela. She turned and spotted Gloria, hiding half behind Ma’s leg, and the fear in her daughter’s eyes cut her to the bone. Dropping to a knee, she held her arms out. “Gloria, you are my heart. Whatever you choose to believe in, I will love you forever.”

  Gloria rushed her, and Rosa wrapped her arms around her daughter. It was a struggle to stay with the pain and not let the anger at her mother’s carelessness take over as her daughter’s shoulders shook with sobs.

  “Gramma hates me.”

  “Oh, my love.” She smoothed Gloria’s hair back and wiped away the tears. “Gramma doesn’t hate you.”

  “She does. She hates me and Mommy and Iso and you’re going to hate me too because God will hate me for not believing.”

  Rosa heard Ma’s quiet intake of breath, followed by Angela’s murmuring explanation. Then she pushed it aside to look Gloria in the eyes. “Do you remember the talk we had about how people sometimes say things that they don’t mean when they’re angry?”

  Gloria’s lip trembled. “Yes. I called you stupid, but I didn’t mean it.”

  “Right, and I forgave you for it.” Rosa smiled and pressed a kiss to Gloria’s forehead. “I’ll talk to Gramma, my love. But you listen to me: Your mom and I love you. We always have and we always will.”

  “Even if I don’t go to church?”

  “Even if you don’t go to church,” Rosa repeated, pulling her daughter into a hug and pressing her cheek to her hair. “What’s the rule?”

  “No cookies in my pillowcase.”

  Rosa blinked and Angela’s laughter burst into the air. “That’s the newest rule,” she managed between fits of giggles. “Baby, I think Mama’s looking for the big rule.”

&nbs
p; “Live your truth. Whatever it is.”

  Rosa squeezed her eyes shut at the tears and hugged Gloria tighter. “Live your truth, my love. Whatever it is.”

  Max looked around the room that would be home for the next two weeks with a happy sigh. Their spacious apartment had four bedrooms, two baths, a massive dining and living room area, and a decent kitchen. Across the hall from them was a similar apartment where Rosa and her family would be staying. Ma and Nika would also be in that apartment, Ma’s daughters renting a house on the other side of town with their spouses and children.

  “Luis is here,” Tamago said, sticking their head into Max’s room. “Come watch Jenks pretend like she’s not ecstatic to see him.”

  Max laughed and left her half-unpacked suitcase on her bed, following Tamago into the living room. Her amusement vanished, though, when she spotted Nika in a wheelchair.

  “Oh, yeah, Nika’s here, too,” Tamago whispered.

  “I may kill you,” Max murmured at Tamago, who answered her with a delighted laugh.

  Nika looked better than the last time she’d seen him, but she could see the strain of recovery in the new lines on his face. His color was back though and he was dressed in civilian clothes, which was a new sight, but it was his smile that dug itself right into the pit of her stomach and stayed there.

  “After the Games anything is fair!” Tamago sang, kissing Nika on the cheek on their way by.

  “Hey.” Max waved a hand, trying not to notice how the room had suddenly emptied of everyone but her and Nika. “Wasn’t expecting you to be out here so early.”

  “Hospital gave me a temporary pass, though Captain Merlo was extremely reluctant about it until I said you all needed me to be your good luck charm.” He smiled and held a hand out to her. “Then Luis asked if I wanted to catch a ride with him. You up for a hug?”

  “Yes.” She crossed the room and took his hand. “It’s really good to see you,” she said, leaning in and hugging him with one arm. “I am trying very hard not to make this weird.”

  He chuckled. “You’re doing fine.”

  “You’ve been here for all of a minute. Give me time.”

  The chuckle turned into a full laugh that Max couldn’t help joining. “I’m stealing you for lunch, if that’s okay?”

  Max swallowed down her automatic thoughts of the unpacking she had to do or leaving her teammates or any of the dozen excuses her brain wanted to push into the air. “I would really like that,” she said instead.

  “Good.” He released her with a smile and tipped his head at the door. “I know just the place.”

  Jenks and Luis had already disappeared into Jenks’s bedroom, and after a quick round of goodbyes with Tamago and Sapphi, who assured her they were fine and headed out for food in a few minutes, Max found herself pushing Nika down the sidewalk in the late-fall sunshine. She hadn’t missed the way he’d only held out his left hand to her instead of the prosthetic on the right and agonized for a moment before she asked the question.

  “Feel free to tell me to not talk about it, but how’s the new arm?”

  “It’s . . . strange,” Nika replied, with a deep breath between the words. He held his prosthetic hand up, rubbing his thumb and fingers together before offering her a smile over his shoulder. “Doc says we’ll do skin calibration once he’s sure my body won’t reject the hardware and that it’ll feel less like—more like a part of me. Right now I can feel things with it but it’s a bit like I’ve got the whole thing shoved in a sealed bag, if that makes any sense.”

  “It does.” She had more questions but stowed them away. She’d seen the flash of uncertainty on his face and didn’t want to push. Something told her Nika would answer them regardless of his personal feelings, and she didn’t want to cause him more pain. “So where are we going?”

  “Just up the street.” Nika pointed. “There’s a great little shop that makes some of the best knishes I’ve had since my grandmother passed away.”

  Max followed the line of his finger, but what she saw wasn’t the shop. It was the too-familiar face of her brother coming down the sidewalk toward them.

  “We could duck—”

  “He saw me already.” Max pasted a smile on and, despite wanting to hang on to Nika for dear life, let go of his wheelchair and stepped up to his side.

  Captain Alexander Scott Carmichael III, only son and second oldest of the Carmichael children, was a handful of centimeters taller than Max with a build that seemed slightly more put-together than her own awkward limbs.

  Named for his great-grandfather and grandfather, he’d gotten their mother’s grace and good looks. But he had their father’s brain, and skin darker than any of his siblings’. As well as a sense of duty Max had been measured against her entire childhood.

  My entire life, really.

  Once she’d adored him, followed him everywhere she could. Her big brother. They’d had such grand plans for their lives.

  And then he abandoned them. Abandoned her.

  Oh god. I am not prepared for this.

  Chapter 40

  “Maxine.” Scott came to a stop, eyes flicking to Nika. “Commander Vagin. I heard about your injury. I’m sorry. I’ll miss competing against you.”

  Nika smiled slowly. “You’ll have your hands full with Rosa, Carmichael, but I’ll see you again. You can count on it.”

  “I look forward to it.” Scott dipped his head in acknowledgment. “Mind if I speak with my sister in private?”

  Nika looked in her direction, the question clear in his blue eyes, and Max gave a smile she hoped was reassuring. “Can you go ahead? I won’t be long.”

  “I’ll just go over there.” He pointed up the street. “Captain.”

  “Commander.” Scott watched Nika wheel past him before returning his dark gaze to Max. “So, you two—”

  “You have two minutes, Scott.” She wasn’t about to have that conversation with him of all people. “What do you want?”

  “I—” He seemed stunned by her flat response and fumbled. She watched something flicker behind that oh-so-familiar Carmichael mask they’d all perfected. “Wanted to wish you good luck in the Games. I thought maybe we could talk after?”

  “We’re doing that right now. Thanks for the good luck, we don’t need it.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him.

  “That’s impressively arrogant.” Scott crossed his own arms, his mouth pulling into a thin line of disapproval that made him look amazingly like their mother.

  “Well, that’s what you’re looking at.” Max dropped her arms and shrugged. “I have spent the better part of my life not fitting into the Carmichael name. I’ve found a new family and I think everyone will be glad to see the back of me. You especially.”

  “How could you think—you’re my sister, Maxine.” Was that actual hurt in his eyes?

  “Am I? Where were you, then?” she demanded, taking a step forward, and she was surprised when Scott retreated. “Were you there to defend me when Mom and Dad dumped me here on Earth without another word for wanting to join NeoG instead of the Navy?”

  “They wh—”

  Max brushed his words aside and continued. “Were you there for my graduations? Any of them? Any letters? Any calls?”

  The tears threatened and people walking by were starting to pay the pair of them far too much attention. A woman with a long blond braid gave her a concerned look as she passed and Max forced a reassuring smile in her direction. The woman nodded and continued down the sidewalk.

  Max cleared her throat, struggling to get her emotions back under control, and gripped her fingers together for a moment before releasing them. Scott seemed stricken, but she didn’t have the time or the energy to do anything to smooth the concern off his face.

  “I’ve known the people of my team for almost nine months,” she said softly. “And in that time have gotten more understanding, more support, more love from them than I’ve had my entire life from all of you.” She stepped around him a
nd continued down the sidewalk. “We’re not family, Scott. I’m not sure we ever really were.”

  “Max—”

  “Time’s up, Scott.” She didn’t look back.

  “Why are we out here again?”

  “Tradition,” Jenks replied, slinging an arm around Max’s waist and steering her toward the corner tables where D’Arcy and Ito Akane were already sitting. “This is the bar for the Games, and rules are you stake your seats the first day and no one messes with them.”

  “So, if you want the good seats you have to get here early,” Sapphi said from Jenks’s other side.

  “Bingo.” Jenks pointed at Sapphi with a grin. “Go get a seat. Tamago and I will get drinks after a spin through the dance floor.”

  The music was thumping, winding its way into her blood, and Jenks grabbed Tamago’s hand, pulling them with her. She exchanged hugs and kisses about every four steps as she passed friends and old lovers. The stress and worry of the last few months melted away under the onslaught.

  Jenks loved her job. Loved it with a ferocity that was rivaled only by the love she had for the few people she’d let into her heart. But the Games were always like coming home. This perfect blend of competition, family, and just enough rivalry to make it interesting.

  These two weeks gave her life and she would enjoy every second of them.

  She caught Tamago’s eye and tipped her head to her left. The other PO nodded and they wove their way through the steadily growing crowd toward the bar that dominated one long wall of Drinking Games’ lower level. There was a second bar upstairs, but Jenks rarely went up there unless she wanted to start a fight.

  The tradition over seats went further than just teams staking out a spot. NeoG and the Air Force held court in the lower section near the dance floor. Army and Navy stared warily at each other over the bar that sectioned off the upper level. And the Marine teams floated from year to year, settling wherever they felt like.