More Toasts

by Ernest Bramah

  "There's a fellow outside with a volume of poems (The title, I think is 'The Beautiful Gnomes'), He says it's the best of poetical tomes." "I'll see him next Christmas," the publisher said.

  "There's a gentleman waiting to tell you about A novel of his, which, without any doubt (So he says), will make critics with happiness shout." "Oh, tell him I'm ill or rheumatic--or dead."

  "There's also a lady who's just come away From Russia; she says that the Reds are at bay, And she's willing to write it at so much a day." "I've just left for Portugal, China and Mars."

  "And then there's a bookseller--looks like a gink-- From somewhere out West; Indiana, I think. I'll tell him you're out buying authors a drink." "A bookseller? In with him! Boy, the cigars!"

  --_Edward Anthony_.

  CANVASSER--"May I have a few minutes of your time?"

  PROSPECT--"Yes, if you will be brief. What can I do for you; I'm a manof few words."

  CANVASSER--"Just the man I'm looking for, my specialty isdictionaries."

  BOOMERANGS

  _See_ Repartee; Retaliation.

  BOOSTING

  Boost your city, boost your friend, Boost the lodge that you attend. Boost the street on which you're dwelling, Boost the goods that you are selling. Boost the people 'round about you, They can't get along without you, But success will quicker find them, If they know that you're behind them. Boost for every forward movement, Boost for every new improvement, Boost the man for whom you labor, Boost the stranger and the neighbor. Cease to be a chronic knocker, Cease to be a progress blocker. If you'd make your city better Boost it to the final letter.

  Boost, and the world boosts with you, Knock, and you're on the shelf, For the world gets sick of the one who'll kick And wishes he'd kick himself. Boost, for your own achievements, Boost for the things sublime, For the one who is found on the topmost round, Is the Booster every time.

  It takes no more time to boost a man than it does to knock him--andthink how much pleasanter for everybody.

  BORROWERS

  Mr. Tucker had unexpectedly come face to face with Mr. Cutting, fromwhom he had frequently borrowed money.

  "Er--aw--what was the denomination of the bill you loaned me?" heasked nervously.

  "Episcopalian, I guess," said Mr. Cutting. "At any rate, it keeps Lentvery well."

  "There's a friend in the outer office waiting for you, sir."

  "Here, James, take this $10 and keep it till I come back."

  ED--"Have you forgotten you owe me five dollars?"

  NED--"No, not yet. Give me time, and I will."

  Jenkins was always trying to borrow money, and his friends had begunto avoid him.

  One morning he tackled an acquaintance in the street before the latterhad a chance to escape.

  "I say, old man," began Jenkins, "I'm in a terrible fix. I want somemoney badly, and I haven't the slightest idea where on earth I'm goingto get it from."

  "Glad to hear it, my boy," returned the other promptly. "I was afraidthat you might have an idea you could borrow it from me."

  One of the shrewd lairds of Lanarkshire had evidently experienced thedifficulties of collecting money lent to friends.

  "Laird," a neighbor accosted him one morning, "I need twenty poonds.If ye'll be guid enough to tak ma note, ye'll hae yere money back aginin three months frae the day."

  "Nae, Donald," replied the laird, "I canna do it."

  "But, laird, ye hae often done the like fer yere friends."

  "Nae, mon, I canna obleege ye."

  "But, laird--"

  "Will ye listen to me, Donald? As soon as I took yere note ye'd drawthe twenty poonds, would ye no?"

  Donald could not deny that he would.

  "I ken ye weel, Donald," the laird continued, "and I ken that inthree months ye'd nae be ready to pay me ma money. Then, ye ken, we'dquarrel. But if we're to quarrel, Donald, I'd rather do it noo, when Ihae ma twenty poonds in ma pocket."

  ASKER--"Could you lend me a V?"

  TELLIT--"No, I couldn't."

  ASKER--"Have you a friend that would lend me a V?"

  TELLIT--"No. I have not a friend to spare."

  "Has Owens ever paid back that $10 you loaned him a year ago?"

  "Oh, yes; he borrowed $25 more from me last week and only took $15."

  An Oriental story tells us of a man who was asked to lend a rope to aneighbor. His reply was that he was in need of the rope just then.

  "Shall you need it a long time?" asked the neighbor.

  "I think I shall," replied the owner, "as I am going to tie up somesand with it."

  "Tie up sand!" exclaimed the would-be borrower. "I do not see how youcan do that!"

  "Oh, you can do almost anything with a rope when you do not want tolend it," was the reply.

  MISS PRITTIKID--"But, father, he is a man you can trust."

  HER PA--"Gracious, girl; what I want is one I can borrow from."

  BOSTON

  MR. PENN--"They say the streets in Boston are frightfully crooked."

  MR. HUBB--"They are. Why, do you know, when I first went there I couldhardly find my way around."

  "That must be embarrassing."

  "It is. The first week I was there I wanted to get rid of an old catwe had, and my wife got me to take it to the river a mile away."

  "And you lost the cat all right?"

  "Lost nothing! I never would have found my way home if I hadn'tfollowed the cat!"

  Owing to the war a distinguished Boston man, deprived of his summertrip to Europe, went to the Pacific coast instead. Stopping off atSalt Lake City, he strolled about the city and made the acquaintanceof a little Mormon girl.

  "I'm from Boston," he said to her. "I suppose you do not know whereBoston is?"

  "Oh, yes, I do," answered the little girl eagerly. "Our Sunday-schoolhas a missionary there."

  The motorist was a stranger in Boston's streets. It was evening. A manapproached.

  "Sir," said he, "your beacon has ceased its functions."

  "What?" gasped the astonished driver.

  "Your illuminator, I say, is shrouded in unmitigated oblivion."

  "I don't quite--"

  "The effulgence of your irradiator has evanesced."

  "My dear fellow, I--"

  "The transversal ether oscillations in your incandenser have beendiscontinued."

  Just then a little newsboy came over and said:

  "Say, mister, yer lamp's out!"

  Senator Hoar used to tell with glee of a Southerner just home fromNew England who said to his friend, "You know those little white roundbeans?"

  "Yes," replied the friend; "the kind we feed to our horses?"

  "The very same. Well, do you know, sir, that in Boston the enlightenedcitizens take those little white round beans, boil them with molassesand I know not what other ingredients, bake them, and then--what doyou suppose they do with the beans?"

  "They--"

  "They eat 'em, sir," interrupted the first Southerner impressively;"bless me, sir, they eat 'em!"

  The newly married couple had gone West to live, and as the Christmasseason drew nigh she became homesick.

  "Even the owls are different here," she sighed.

  "And how is that?" he asked.

  "Here they say 'To-hoot-to-who,' and in Boston they say'To-hoot-to-whom.'"

  "Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."

  "Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down.' He's a Boston terrier."

  "Well, the Red Sox won the world's series."

  "Yes," said the Boston girl, "we feel very proud of the Red--er--theRed Hose."

  BOY SCOUTS

  _A Boy Scout's Will_

  I, John W. Bradshaw, pioneer scout of the Wolf Patrol, having attainedthe age of maturity and realizing that my Boy Scout days are numbered,do hereby give, devise and bequeath my scout assets, tangible andintangible, as follows, to wit:


  My uniform, pack and equipment, to Larry O'Toole, the son of mymother's laundress, to be preserved for him until he is old enough touse them;

  My scout's manual, axe and compass, to George Washington Jackson, 3d,son of my father's handy man, with the admonition that he organize, ifpossible, a troop of scouts among the colored boys of the village;

  My strap watch with the "see by night" dial, to Roscoe, my smallbrother, who has wanted it ever since he learned to tell time;

  My waterproof match box and hunting knife, to James Fanning, to beheld in trust until he can repeat the Scout Oath;

  To all boys in general I bequeath the knowledge that the Boy Scoutorganization teaches obedience, bravery, loyalty, self-respect,kindness, thrift, cleanliness and reverence; that it makes men of itsmembers, and that no boy can possibly go wrong by joining it.

  BOYS

  "I see they are making shingles out of cement now."

  "Then I recall my wish to be a boy again."

  One of Theodore Roosevelt's sons, when small, was playing in theWashington streets when a woman recognized him and said she didn'tthink his father would like his playing with so many "common boys."

  "My father says there are no common boys," replied the youngRoosevelt.

  "He says there are only tall boys and short boys, and good boys andbad boys, and that's all the kinds of boys there are."

  Johnny stood beside his mother as she made her selection from thegreen grocer's cart, and the latter told the boy to take a handful ofnuts, but the child shook his head.

  "What's the matter, don't you like nuts?" asked the green grocer.

  "Yes," replied Johnny.

  "Then go ahead and take some."

  Johnny hesitated, whereupon the green grocer put a generous handful inJohnny's cap.

  After the man had driven on the mother asked: "Why didn't you take thenuts when he told you to?"

  Johnny winked as he said: "'Cause his hand was bigger'n mine."

  Golly! Let him whistle, mother! He's just boy--that's all. Let him be one while he can: you'll find it pays. Jolly little baby brother! When the shadows fall You'll be wishin' he was back in boyhood days! If you'd been in France and seen All the things that I have seen-- Baby faces that will never Baby faces be again-- Say! You wouldn't check that whistle For a million iron men!

  Lordy! mother, let him holler! He's not hurting anything; And he's carefree as a puppy--just that gay. Dirty shirt, without a collar-- Never was a king Happy as that baby yonder, yelling at his play. Little kiddies over there-- Solemn eyes and tangled hair-- Ten years old? That's still a baby! What he's doin's baby stuff! And the dignity of manhood Will be comin' quick enough!

  Let him yell and squeal and whistle, Rollin' in the sand; Let him have the freedom of the whole back lot. Things that hurt like thorn o' thistle Workin' in your hand You'll be wishin' some time that those things were not! When I think of babies--old From the things that can't be told-- And then look at him a-dancin', Singin', shoutin', in his joy: Don't put out a hand to stop him! Mother--let him be a boy!

  William's uncle was a very tall, fine-looking man, while his fatherwas very small. William admired his uncle, and wished to grow up likehim. One day he said to his mother:

  "Mama, how did uncle grow so big and tall?"

  His mother said: "Well, when uncle was a small boy he was always avery good boy, and tried to do what was right at all times; so God lethim grow up big and tall."

  William thought this over seriously for a few minutes, then said:"Mama, what kind of a boy was papa?"

  _See also_ Office boys.

  BRIDES

  And men relate that Mrs. Newlywed went to the grocery store to do hermorning marketing. And she was determined that the grocer should nottake advantage of her youth and inexperience.

  "These eggs are dreadfully small," she criticized.

  "I know it," he answered. "But that's the kind the farmer brings me.They are just fresh from the country this morning."

  "Yes," said the bride, "and that's the trouble with those farmers.They are so anxious to get their eggs sold that they take them off thenest too soon!"

  "Hello! Is this you, mother, dear?"

  "Yes, Sue? What is it? Something awful must have happened for you tocall me up at this--"

  "It's not so awful. But, John, dear, hasn't been feeling well and thedoctor gave him pills to take every four hours. I've been sitting upto give them to him, and now it's about time for the medicine, andJohn has fallen asleep. Should I wake him?"

  "I wouldn't if I were you. What is he suffering from?"

  "Insomnia."

  WIFE--"Oh, George, do order a rat-trap to be sent home today."

  GEORGE--"But you bought one last week."

  WIFE--"Yes, dear, but there's a rat in that."

  "What kind of coal do you wish, mum?"

  "Dear me, I am so inexperienced in these things. Are there variouskinds?"

  "Oh, yes. We have egg coal, chestnut--"

  "I think I'll take egg coal. We have eggs oftener than we havechestnuts."

  BROOKLYN

  "Where can I find a map of Brooklyn, old man?"

  "There ain't any such thing. No one has ever been able to make one."

  BROTHERHOOD

  The brotherhood of man begins with the manhood of the brother.

  To live is not to live for one's self alone; let us help oneanother.--_Menander_.

  We must love men, ere to us they will seem worthy of ourlove.--_Shakespeare_.

  BURBANK

  One day Luther Burbank was walking in his garden when he was accostedby an officious acquaintance who said:

  "Well, what are you working on now?"

  "Trying to cross an eggplant and milk-weed," said Mr. Burbank.

  "And what under heaven do you expect from that?"

  Mr. Burbank calmly resumed his walk.

  "Custard pie," he said.

  BUSINESS

  There are two reasons why some people don't mind their own business.One is that they haven't any mind, the other that they haven't anybusiness.

  "I'm a very busy man, sir. What is your proposition?"

  "I want to make you rich."

  "Just so. Leave your recipe with me and I'll look it over later. Justnow I'm engaged in closing up a little deal by which I expect to make$3.50 in real money."

  A teacher asked those pupils who wanted to go to heaven to raise theirhands. All except little Ikey's hands went up. The teacher asked himif he didn't want to go to heaven and Ikey replied that he had heardhis father tell his mother that 'Business had all gone to hell' andIkey wanted to go where the business had gone.

  The vicar's appeal had been a most eloquent one, and had evenpenetrated the depths of Mr. Blackleigh's granite organ. The lattercame forward and offered L50 for the fund.

  The worthy cleric was overjoyed.

  "I don't know your name, sir," he cried; "but I thank you from thebottom of my heart. I thank you! May your business prosper, sir!"

  Then there was a solemn hush, and the committee looked askance attheir vicar.

  "What's the matter?" whispered the clergyman, turning to the chairman.

  "Well--er--that donor is an undertaker!"

  "There is one respect in which a live business man isn't like a tree."

  "What is that?"

  "If he remains rooted to the spot, he can't branch out."

  During a campaign preceding the election of a Missouri Congressman itwas suggested that, since he posed as a good business man, he might bewilling to tell just what a good business man is.

  "That's easy," he explained. "A good business man is one who can buygoods from a Scotchman and sell them to a Jew--at a profit!"

  EDITH--"Dick, dear, your office is in State street, isn't it?"

  DICKEY--"Yes; why?"

  EDITH--"That's what I told papa. He made such a funny mistake aboutyou yester
day. He said he'd been looking you up in Bradstreet."

  FIRST MERCHANT (as reported in the New York "Trade Record")--"How'sbusiness?"

  SECOND MERCHANT--"Picking up a little. One of our men got a $5,000order yesterday."

  "Go away. I don't believe that."

  "Honest he did--I'll show you the cancellation."

  BUSINESS ENTERPRISE

  The story of the rival boot-makers, which appeared recently, ismatched by a correspondent of an English paper with another story,equally old but equally worth repeating. It concerns two rivalsausage-makers. Again, they lived on opposite sides of a certainstreet, and, one day, one of them placed over his shop the legend:

  "We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the country."

  The next day, over the way, appeared the sign:

  "We sell sausages to the gentry and nobility of the whole country."

  Not to be outdone, the rival put up what he evidently regarded as afinal statement, namely:

  "We sell sausages to the King."

  Next day there appeared over the door of the first sausage-maker thesimple expression of loyalty:

  "God save the King."

  "Biddy," remarked the newly wed Irishman, "go down and feed the pigs."