More Toasts

by Ernest Bramah

  "Faith and I will not," replied the bride.

  "Don't be after contradicting me, Biddy," retorted the husband."Haven't I just endowed you with all my worldly goods, and if you cannot feed your own property, then it's ashamed of you I am."

  This was a new point of view, so off Biddy went.

  Presently she returned.

  "Have you fed the pigs, Biddy?" demanded her husband, sternly.

  "Faith, and I have not," she answered. "I have done a great dealbetter. As they were my property I have sold them, and shall not bebothered with them again."

  A business man advertised for an office boy. The next morning therewere some fifty boys in line. He was about to begin examining theapplicants when his stenographer handed him a card on which wasscribbled:

  "Don't do anything until you see me. I'm the last kid in line, but I'mtelling you I'm there with the goods."

  In one of the back streets in Philadelphia is a little jewelry storewhich is making progress--witness this incident:

  "What's the price of nickel alarm clocks?"

  "Dwenty-fife cends."

  "What! Why, how's that? Last week you told my son they were a dollar."

  "Yaw, dat is so. Listen: You are a good frien', so I tol' you. Ven Ihat some I sells him for von tollar. Now I ain'd got none I sells himfor dwendy-fife cents. Dot makes me a rebutation for cheabness, und Idon't lose noddings!"

  _Commercialomania_

  PROFITEER--"One million is the price of a gram of radium!"

  HIS PARTNER--"And we never thought of trying to sell any!"

  An enterprising young florist, in order to increase his trade,displayed this sign in his window:

  "We give a packet of flower seeds with every plant."

  His competitor across the street promptly sought to meet thecompetition by placing in his window the following announcement:

  "We give the earth with every plant."

  A very small but live boy applied to a great merchant for a job.

  The great man sized him up with twinkling eyes, for the one situationopen needed a bigger parcel of human experience, and asked whatposition he wanted.

  "A chance to grow up in the business, Mister."

  "Well, we are more or less being depopulated by the drafts. What isyour motto, my son?"

  "The same as yours," was the ready answer.

  "What do you mean?" asked the puzzled merchant.

  "Why, on the door there--'Push.'"

  He got the job of keeper of that very door.

  The proprietors of two rival livery-stables, situated alongside eachother in a busy street, have been having a lively advertising duellately.

  The other week one of them stuck up on his office window a long stripof paper, bearing the words:

  "Our horses need no whip to make them go."

  This bit of sarcasm naturally caused some amusement at the expense ofthe rival proprietor, but in less than an hour he neatly turned thetables by pasting the following retort on his own window:

  "True. The wind blows them along!"

  A group of farmers were complaining of the potato bugs' ravages.

  "The pests ate my whole potato crop in two weeks," said one farmer.

  "They ate my crop in two days," said a second farmer, "and then theyroosted on the trees to see if I'd plant more."

  A drummer for a seed house cleared his throat.

  "Gents," he said, "all that's very remarkable. Let me tell you,though, what I saw in our own store. I saw a couple of potato bugsexamining the books about a week before planting time to see who hadbought seed."

  UNFORTUNATE PEDESTRIAN (who has been knocked down and dazed)--"Wheream I? Where am I?"

  ENTERPRISING HAWKER--"'Ere y'are, sir--map of London, onepenny."--_Punch_.

  _Why He Was Not Promoted_

  He watched the clock. He was always grumbling. He was never at the office on time. He asked too many questions. His stock excuse was "it isn't necessary." He wasn't ready for the next step. He did not put his heart in his work. He learned nothing from his blunders. He chose his friends among his inferiors. He ruined his ability by half-doing things. He never acted on his own judgment. He did not think it worth while to learn how. He imitated the habits of other men who could stand more than he could. He did not learn that the best part of his salary was not in his pay envelope. He didn't have to. He was the President of the Company.

  --G.M.

  BUSINESS ETHICS

  Johnny was at the grocery store.

  "I hear you have a little sister at your house," said the grocer.

  "Yes, sir," said Johnny.

  "Do you like that?" was queried.

  "I wish it was a boy," said Johnny, "so I could play marbles with him,and baseball."

  "Well," said the storekeeper, "why don't you exchange your littlesister for a boy?"

  Johnny reflected for a minute; then he said sorrowfully:

  "We can't now; it's too late. We've used her four weeks."

  A Priest in Ireland went to Rome, and a number of his parishionersasked him to buy things for them. Some gave him the cash; others didnot. When he returned, he brought the articles for those who paid forthem in advance. When the others complained, he said, with a wink:

  "While I was at sea I got out all the commissions and spread them onthe deck. On the papers of those who had given me the coin I put themoney. The others had nothing to weight them down. A squall of windcame up. It blew all the unweighted papers into the sea! So the oneswho gave me the money got what they asked me to get. The others mustask Father Neptune for theirs."

  A New York lawyer had in his employ an office-boy who was addicted tothe bad habit of telling in other offices what happened in that ofhis employer. The lawyer found it necessary to discharge him, but,thinking to restrain him from a similar fault in the future, hecounseled the boy, on his departure, in this wise:

  "Tommy, you must never hear anything that is said in the office. Dowhat you are told, but turn a deaf ear to conversation that does notinclude you."

  This struck the boss as such a happy inspiration that, to the end thathis stenographer might learn the same lesson, he turned to her andsaid:

  "Miss Jones, did you hear what I said to Tommy?"

  "No, sir," she returned, promptly.

  The firm of Hansen & Fransen was started in wartime and did very wellfor a couple of years. But last year things were on the down grade,and the other day, when the two partners had finished making up theirnone-too-good record for the year, Hansen said: "This would makeanyone thoughtful. Now that the good times are over, how about alittle honest business?"

  "No, thanks," said Fransen. "I never indulge in experiments."

  "There are no more enterprising young men. Why, I remember when it wasa common thing for a young man to start out as a clerk and in a fewyears own the business."

  "Yes, but cash-registers have been invented since."

  The junior partner was harried.

  "I shall have to get another typist," he lamented. "Miss Take iscontinually interrupting my dictation to ask how to spell a word."

  "Dear, dear!" said the senior partner. "That seems a great waste oftime."

  "It's not that I mind," responded the other. "But it's so bad fordiscipline to keep on saying, 'I don't know'!"

  _How Business Men Keep Their Spirits Up_

  "Cancel my order at once," came the telegram to the factory. The ownerperpetrated the only new joke in the millennium. His telegram in replyread: "Your order cannot be cancelled at once. You must take yourturn."

  CUSTOMER--"Gee, this is a rotten cigar!"

  SHOPKEEPER--"Well, don't complain. You've only got one of them--I'vegot ten thousand of the darn things."--_Life_.

  EMPLOYEE--"I don't like your methods of doing business, Mr. Grafton. Iresign."

  "PRACTICAL" BUSINESS MAN (sneeringly)--"You're a holier-than-thou guy,eh?"

  EMPLOYEE--"No; merely a square peg in a crooked hole."--_Pu
ck_.

  A New York lawyer tells of a conversation that occurred in hispresence between a bank president and his son who was about to leavefor the West, there to engage in business on his own account.

  "Son," said the father, "on this, the threshold of your business life,I desire to impress one thought upon your mind: Honesty, ever andalways, is the policy that is best."

  "Yes, father," said the young man.

  "And, by the way," added the gray-beard, "I would advise you to readup a little on corporation law. It will amaze you to discover how manythings you can do in a business way and still be honest."

  "Dod-burn the luck!" snarled old Gideon Cronk, glaring at the clock."That confounded bank is closed! That's a thunderin' pretty howdy-do!"

  "Well, you've set round the stove here foolin' with the checkerboardall the afternoon and let the bank close on you," returned thelandlord of the tavern, "What you kickin' about anyhow?"

  "I demand that a public institution shall accommodate its patrons;that's what!"

  "Can't you cash your check in the mornin'?"

  "I ain't got no check. But if I had one I'd want to cash it whenI wanted to, wouldn't I? Well, it's the principle of the thing I'mtalkin' about!"

  BUSINESS WOMEN

  Kate's running a tobacco-shop, Jane draws a wage from carpentry, And Amaryllis' patent mop Defies domestic anarchy; Marie's so capable that she Keeps foundry laborers from strife; She heads a motor company-- But where am I to find a wife?

  Eradne's made a wondrous top That's famed from Maine to Italy; While Wanda's jointed rabbits hop Through every modern nursery; May has a mock canteen, where tea Is served to sound of drum and fife, Grace reaps from etymology-- But where am I to find a wife?

  Maud's raising a world-famous crop Where honors tie 'twixt bean and pea; At Daisy's restaurant each chop Would rouse a Muse from apathy; Babette's a broker, who must be Where rumors anent stocks are rife; They're all most useful, I agree-- But where am I to find a wife?

  I do not know on land or sea, A girl who'd stay at home with me-- In any varied walks of life. So how am I to find a wife! _Charlotte Becker_.

  CAMPAIGNS

  _See_ Public Speakers.

  CANDIDATES

  TED--"So you think I'm wasting my time making love to that rich girl?"

  NED--"You have about as much chance of winning as a landlord runningfor office on a dry ticket."

  THE HEELER--"Well, I see that Jimpson, them reformers' candidate f'rMayor, is goin' t' have all his meetin's opened with prayer."

  THE BOSS--"Good! That means he knows he's licked!"

  "What do you think of the candidates?"

  "Well the more I think of them the more pleased I am that only one ofthem can get in."

  _See also_ Politicians.

  CANDOR

  "How is your wife this morning, Uncle Henry?"

  "Well, I dunno. She's failin, dretful slow. I do wish she'd git well,or somethin'."--_Puck_.

  Candor may be considered as a compound of justice and the love oftruth.--_J. Abercrombie_.

  Candor is the seal of a noble mind, the ornament and pride of man, thesweetest charm of woman, the scorn of rascals and the rarest virtue ofsociability.--_Bentsel-Sternau_.

  'Tis great--'tis manly to disdain disguise, It shows our spirit, or it proves our strength.--_Young_.

  STATISTICIAN (on the platform)--"These are not my figures, ladies andgentlemen; they are the figures of a man who knows what he is talkingabout."

  CAPITAL AND LABOR

  WILLIE--"Paw, what is the difference between capital and labor?"

  PAW--"Well, the money you lend represents capital, and getting it backrepresents labor, my son."

  If you divorce capital from labor, capital is hoarded, and laborstarves.--_Daniel Webster_.

  CARD INDEX

  MINING-STOCK PROMOTER--"Where can I hide? The police are coming!"

  CHIEF CLERK--"Get into the card-index case. I defy any one to findanything in there."--_Judge_.

  CARELESSNESS

  Care may kill people, but don't care kills more.

  The editor in charge of the Personal Inquiry column opened hisseventieth letter with a groan.

  "I have lost three husbands," a lady reader had written,confidentially, "and now have the offer of a fourth. Shall I accepthim?"

  The editor dipped his pen in the ink. This was the last straw.

  "If you've lost three husbands," he wrote, "I should say you are muchtoo careless to be trusted with a fourth."

  CATALOGING

  One of the best examples of the humors of cataloging comes inSonnenschein's "Best Books," volume one, page 121, where Prof. HenryPreserved Smith's well-known Old Testament History appears thus:

  _Smith, Prf. Hy._ "Preserved O.T. History."

  CAUSE AND EFFECT

  It was in one of the social settlements conducted by persons of aphilanthropic turn of mind. The young kindergarten teacher, havingfinished the morning's talk on hygiene and sanitation, wished to makea practical application of the lesson. Turning to one little youngsterwhose face, hands and whole appearance bespoke the crying need of soapand water, she asked:

  "Izzy, when the house gets all mussed up and dirty, what does motherdo?"

  "We move."

  LITTLE BOY--"A penn'orth each of liniment and liquid cement, please."

  CHEMIST--"Are they both for the same person, or shall I wrap them upseparately?"

  LITTLE BOY--"Well, I dunno. Muvver's broke 'er teapot, so she wantsthe cement, but farver wants the liniment. 'E's what muvver broke 'erteapot on."

  An old farmer and his wife drove to market one very wet day when largepools of water had formed in the roadway between the farm and thetown. On the return journey he met an old friend.

  "And how are you today?" was the friendly greeting.

  "Very well, thank you," answered the farmer.

  "How is the missus?" continued the friend.

  "Fine," answered the farmer. "She's behind there"--jerking his thumbtoward the back of the wagon.

  "She's not there!" exclaimed the astonished friend.

  The old farmer turned and looked over his shoulder. Then he coollyreplied:

  "Humph! That accounts for the splash."

  CAUTION

  A small boy, who was sitting next to a very haughty woman in crowdedcar, kept sniffling in a most annoying way, until the woman couldstand it no longer.

  "Boy, have you got a handkerchief?" she demanded.

  The small boy looked at her for a few seconds, and then in a dignifiedtone, came the answer.

  "Yes, I 'ave, but I don't lend it to strangers."

  CHARACTER

  Do not tell me the books you have read; let me glean it from yourconversation. Do not tell me of the people you associate with; let meobserve it by your manners.--_Emerson_.

  HOWELL--"What sort of a fellow is he?"

  POWELL--"He can make two lemons grow where only one grew before andthen hand them both to you when you are not looking."--_Judge_.

  To those who know thee not, no words can paint! And those who knowthee, know all words are faint!--_Hannah More_.

  _The Stuff That Counts_

  The test of a man is the fight he makes, The grit that he daily shows: The way he stands on his feet and takes Fate's numerous bumps and blows, A coward can smile when there's naught to fear, When nothing his progress bars, But it takes a man to stand and cheer While some other fellow stars.

  It isn't the victory, after all, But the fight that a brother makes; The man who, driven against the wall, Still stands up erect and takes The blows of fate with his head held high, Bleeding and bruised, and pale. Is the man who'll win in the by and by, For he isn't afraid to fail.

  It's the bumps you get and the jolts you get And the shocks that your courage stands. The hours of sorrow and vain regret, That prize
that escapes your hands That test your mettle and prove your worth; It isn't the blows you deal, But the blows you take on the good old earth That shows if your stuff is real.

  --_Robert W. Service_.

  BORLEIGH--"Some men, you know, are born great, some achievegreatness--"

  Miss KEEN--"Exactly! And some just grate upon you."

  CHARITY

  A tradesman in a certain town put a box outside his shop one day,labeled "For the Blind." A few weeks afterward the box disappeared.

  "Halloa! What's happened to your box for the blind?" he was asked.

  "Oh, I got enough money," he replied. "And," pointing upward to thenew canvas blind that sheltered his shop-window, "there's the blind.Not bad, is it?"

  At a Chamber of Commerce dinner a speaker dwelt at great length uponthe suffering people of China. He suggested that all present shouldgive something for them. A small dry-goods merchant arose and said:

  "You have made for me a feeling already that something should begiven. I move that we give three cheers for China."

  "I'm sorry that my engagements prevent my attending your charityconcert, but I shall be with you in spirit."

  "Splendid! And where would you like your spirit to sit? I have ticketshere for half a dollar, a dollar and two dollars."