by Erin Trejo
The darkness makes my skin crawl. A chill races down my spine as I sit out front of the clinic to smoke a cigarette.
“Smokin’ is bad for you doc,” I hear his deep drawl say. I jump and look up at Monster to see him standing under the street light eyeing me.
“I’m not a doctor.”
He shrugs and says, “You could be although your bedside manner could use some work.”
I shake my head and look away not wanting to see him. After that day in his room I’ve kept my distance. I don’t need any more drama in my life. I’ve created just enough drama of my own to deal with until the day I die.
“Paul left already,” I tell him without looking at him.
“I know.”
“Then what do you want?” I ask finally looking back over as he starts walking closer to me.
The air thickens and that zap of electricity crackles through the air between us. Cats are fighting in the alley next to us and a few people are wandering the streets, but aside from that, it’s just us.
“I wanted to tell you that I was sorry for how I acted the other day. I shouldn’t have done that.” I can see by the look in his eye that he means it.
“Which part?”
That question has been nagging at me. I’ve asked myself a million times why he kissed me the way he did. I still haven’t come up with an answer and God how I want one, almost need one.
“What do you mean?”
“Which part are you sorry for?”
“Yellin’ at you. Tryin’ to force you to answer questions you don’t have answers for.”
He looks away as if he’s ashamed and that tugs at my heart. I pull out my cigarettes and hold the pack out to him offering him one. When he looks back over to me he smirks and takes one. I watch as he lights it up and takes a long drag.
“This mean I’m forgiven?” he asks as he moves to lean against the building.
“Nothing to forgive. You reacted to something that’s bothering you. That’s normal.”
“Thanks doc.”
I look up at him and find him smiling down at me. It makes my heart leap and start to beat a little faster. Whatever he’s looking for, he isn’t going to find in me. I’ve thought about telling him that, but what’s the point?
“Can I ask you somethin’?”
I nod.
“You said that you saw the same darkness in me that you see in yourself. What did you mean by that?”
Nope. Not happening. Not a chance in hell will I tell him anything like that.
“Nothing. I didn’t mean a thing by it.”
I toss my cigarette to the ground and stand from the window ledge, brushing my jeans off. As I turn to walk back toward the building I can feel him behind me.
“What are you scared of?”
His question grabs my heart and holds tightly to it.
“Nothing.”
“Liar. You’re afraid of somethin’. What is it?”
“The past.”
He walks even closer and his warmth surrounds me as his hands move around to my waist. He pulls me back into him. God does it feel right. I don’t know how or why, but just feeling him near me calms everything.
“The past is exactly where it should be Kyza. We can’t live in the moment when we’re that scared of the past,” he says before he presses a kiss to the top of my head and releases me.
I hear his boots as he walks away and turn to watch him.
“What scares you?”
Monster stops walking and looks over his shoulder to say, “The future.”
Before I can say anything more he walks away. I watch his shadow as it completely disappears down the road. My chest tightens as I wonder if my mystery man is going to appear.
I head inside and stock things like I always do before I take a shower and head to my room. I run my fingers over the table as the memories of the way he took me take hold again. It’s the same feeling I get with Monster, the heated air and that electric current.
“I wasn’t sure you’d come back,” I whisper softly.
I’m pushed forward onto the bed on my chest again. My heart stammers inside of my chest. The only real emotion I can feel is when I’m with this man. I haven’t felt anything in so long, and now he’s ripping it out of me. I have no idea how to handle it.
In no time clothes are removed and a condom is put on. He thrusts into me roughly while holding my hips tightly with his hands. I want him to mark me. I want him to make me remember anything but what the past had to offer me. With each thrust I close my eyes and just enjoy the feeling of him inside of me. Each new memory of him will help erase the bad that was them. That’s what I keep telling myself, but then I begin to feel guilty.
Guilty for what? Because I’m having some of the most amazing sex of my life with an unknown man? Guilty that I feel some strange connection to Monster the same way I do to this man? What kind of mess is my head?
His lips come to rest on my shoulder as he slowly licks and sucks my skin into his warm mouth. My body shivers and my nipples grow even harder. All I want is for him to stay inside of me like this.
“Please don’t stop,” I beg him as heat coils inside of my body.
My blood is boiling and my need to come is overwhelming me. Tears are leaking down my cheeks as he grunts and groans. His cock is swelling inside of me, I clench my eyes shut as I explode around him and he fills me.
He pulls out of me and I try turn over to look at him, but this time he moves even quicker. He presses me back to the bed and makes a growling noise in his throat. I don’t move, but it isn’t from fear. It’s almost out of respect for him, which is completely insane. I don’t even know him. I’m slowly losing my grip on reality and that terrifies me. What if I let my guard down and they find a way to get to me? What if my past is slowly chasing me down? That thought makes me cry even harder because I know what will happen if I’m ever found.
Just like last time as the tears are falling down my face my mystery man disappears into the night. Once again I’m left alone to my own humiliation. I pull my shorts back up and walk back to my room. I fall onto my bed and grab the box next to it. I open the lid and look at my demons.
“I didn’t want to do it! I didn’t know what else to do. You have to know that,” I scream at the photo.
The one picture of the man that changed everything in my world. I used to think so highly of that man.
“I didn’t know what to do.” Tears spill down my cheeks and land on the photo in my hands.
I lie down and curl onto my side while holding the picture closer to my heart. If I had’ve had more time I could have come up with something. I could have saved him. I could’ve done something more, but I was just too weak.
Just like the others told me I was. I was fucking weak.
Nine
Monster
I’ve stalked around the back door of the clinic for the last three hours. It’s eleven in the morning and she still hasn’t come outside yet. It’s a Sunday and I know Paul isn’t here today. I flick my cigarette to the ground and fiddle around in my pocket for my tools. Popping the back door open is easier than it should be considering the side of town we’re on. I make a mental note to tell Paul to get a better security system in place.
I stalk through the building and veer off into the room I know she stays in and find her curled up and sound asleep. I debate leaving, but something is in her hand and it intrigues me. I walk over, bend down, and pull it from her hand gently. I look at the photo and see that it’s a picture of a man. I wonder who the hell he is? For some reason this stirs my anger. I lay the photo back on the bed next to her and turn to leave when she speaks.
“He’s the past,” she says softly.
“Is that why your eyes are all puffy and red?”
Kyza shifts on the bed, sits up, and looks over at me.
“The past hurts sometimes. Doesn’t the past ever bother you?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod.
“
I think you saw that first hand that night.”
“What are you doing here?” she asks as she pulls the blanket up to her chest.
“I was gonna see if you wanted to ride with me today. I need to get away and clear my head for a bit,” I tell her.
Kyza watches me closely not sure of my intentions. Quite frankly, I don’t know either. In the light of the day I’m the monster that others fear, but in the darkness of the night I’m free. I’m me and I can be whoever the hell she wants me to be. Taking her out with me today would show her what it’s really like to walk around with scars the that mar my body and the way others react to them. It will show her why I am the way I am, and I’m not sure she’s ready for that.
“Why?” she asks softly.
I shake my head, run my hand through my hair, and turn on my heel. I can’t do this. I can’t let her in. What the hell was I thinking?
“Don’t leave.”
Her words stop me in my tracks. I turn to look at her as she climbs out of the bed. Her little shirt is hiked up and I can see her toned stomach underneath. She follows my gaze and quickly pulls her shirt down. I just smirk at her.
“Where are we going?” she asks moving around the room while grabbing clothes and shoes.
“I don’t know yet, I just wanna ride. You good with that?”
She smiles at me and nods her head before she moves past me to the bathroom.
“Give me a few minutes.”
I walk back over and sit on the edge of her bed. I lift her pillow up to my nose and inhale her scent wondering if she can feel this pull between us the way I can. I don’t want to try to explain it, but I can feel it and I want to know more about it. I want to know more about her. I want her history. I want to know who the hell the man in the picture is that made her cry. I want it all and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. She walks out a few minutes later and smirks at me.
“What are you doing with my pillow?”
I drop it back onto the bed not realizing I was still holding it. Standing up I move towards her and reply, “It smells like you. I’ve missed that smell.”
What the hell am I doing? I need to touch her. I need to see that she isn’t afraid of me. I need to fucking feel whatever it is that she throws out because that’s the only time I ever feel at peace. I’m slowly losing my mind over this girl and I need to know why.
My hand comes up to cup her cheek and her lashes flutter closed. I swallow hard and lean down with my lips mere inches away from hers. I can smell her, taste her, feel her. God I want her.
“Are you going to kiss me or just smell me?”
Fire courses through my veins. This girl has blown me off until today, and now she’s asking me to kiss her. She wanted to stay as far away from me as possible before. I felt the same toward her, but not anymore. Now I want her and I don’t give a fuck what I have to do to have her.
“Are you sure?” I ask her.
She nods slowly and I let my lips crash into hers. My tongue forces its way into her mouth and slides against hers. I can feel her need to dominate the kiss, but that’s just not me. I don’t let her, but instead I move my hands down her sides and cup her ass. I lift her up off of the ground. Kyza wraps her legs around my waist and I’d give everything I’ll ever have to fuck her right here and now, but I can’t do that. I break our kiss and we’re both panting and needy. I can see the lust in her big, blue eyes.
“Why did you stop?”
“You don’t want this,” I tell her as I grind myself against her. My boxers are wet with pre-come that has spilled out, but I can’t do this to her. I can’t go any further.
“How do you know what I want?” she asks as she leans in to kiss my neck.
Shivers roll through my body as her fingers graze the back of my neck. She feels so damn right. I can’t handle this though, my mind is working against me and I can’t stop it. I pull back, set her on her feet, and grab her hand.
“Let’s go before I explode,” I tell her as she giggles next to me.
When we get outside I reach for the extra helmet, but she doesn’t take it. Instead she steps into my space and her hands come up to my face. Her soft fingers trail over my scars and my breathing kicks up a notch. I’m scared shitless of what she might say. I’m afraid of her reaction, but even more than that I’m scared to death of how she’s making me feel.
I don’t feel different.
I don’t feel broken.
I’m not a monster with her.
“The strongest souls are those that are scared. I wouldn’t want to die without some kind of scars. They are the proof that shows others that we actually lived.”
I can’t breathe. The air has been sucked out of my lungs. I stand here in complete shock at what she just said. Her fingers are still lingering on my cheeks. I look into her eyes and all I can see is truth; her truth. How does she get me when no one else ever has? How does she see into my soul without me even showing it to her? My body is trembling and I can’t seem to stop it.
She watches me before she lets her fingers slide down the side of my neck. Just like with my face there are scars down the side of my neck. Her hand keeps moving until she’s at the hem of my shirt. She looks into my eyes as if she’s asking for permission and I’m not sure if I want to give it to her or not. She grabs the hem of my shirt and lifts it. With my cut on she can’t get it off my body, but she can see what she wanted to see. Her eyes move down to my stomach burning me with every glance.
“They’re…”
“Hideous? Disgustin’?”
She shakes her head and looks back up at me. Her lips are parted as she says, “Beautiful.” Tears fill her eyes. Tears for me? She leans in and presses her lips to my chest. I shudder beneath her. I drop the helmet and reach around to the back of her neck and pull her away from me.
“I can’t do this,” my voice barely above a whisper.
Releasing her, I move quickly, grab my helmet and slide it on before mounting my bike.
“Monster,” Kyza calls out to me, but I need to go. I have to get away from her.
Ten
Kyza
He did not just drive off on me. How dare he? He came here and asked me out and then just left? I know he’s scared, it’s a feeling I know all too well, but I was slowing letting my guard down for him.
I huff out a breath, pull out a cigarette, and light it up. I walk down the road with my head held high. He wants to play games? I’ll play, but I play to win. I don’t think he knows exactly who he’s fucking with. I get that he’s afraid of me seeing who he is because I feel the same about him seeing who I am. I don’t want Monster to know my past. I don’t want him involved in it, but I’m also tired of hiding in the dark.
Mystery Man has to stop. Everything has to stop. Reality is a hard bitch to swallow, but I’m choking down on it. So what if we both have a past? Everyone has a past, some darker than others. We both harbor our own demons, fighting against them has become second nature to both of us. Isn’t that what makes us who and what we are?
Before I realize how far I’ve walked I’m standing in front of the gates at the clubhouse. I haven’t been back here since that night and I’m not sure it was a very good idea to come here now.
The man at the gate watches me, but doesn’t say a word. He’s probably giving me the opportunity to run as far away as I can, but that’s not going to happen. I take a deep breath and walk up to him plastering a smile on my face.
“Can you call Monster out here for me?”
The guy eyes me up and down. I cross my arms over my chest and cock my hip out to the side as I stare at him.
“Who the hell are you?” he asks and I try to resist the urge to roll my eyes.
“Kyza. Can you tell him I’m here?” I ask trying to remain polite, but with the way he keeps looking at me I’m about to lose my shit. He’s about to find out about my darkness first hand.
“I could do that, but he might be busy,” he replies as he pulls his cigarette from
his mouth and flicks it to the ground.
“Prospect what the hell are you doin’?” another man hollers as the gates slowly open. I watch the tall man as he stalks toward us with a beer in his hand.
“Yeah prospect. What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I ask the same question in a sarcastic tone. The other man looks me up and down before he smirks at me.
“What are you doin’ here?”
“Looking for Monster,” repeating myself.
“He know you were comin’?” I shake my head, no. “I’m Viking. Come on,” he says extending his hand to me and shaking his head.
I take his hand in mine and shake it before he nods for me to follow him.
“Is it bad that he doesn’t know that I’m here?” I ask as we walk closer to the doors.
I see a few girls eyeing me, but the guys seem to be busy doing other stuff. I don’t let my gaze linger on anyone in particular, but I do wonder what’s in those crates.
“It might be. He’s in a mood today for some reason.”
“Shit. I think that might be my fault too,” I mumble. Viking stops walking and looks over at me, tilting his head to the side as if he’s studying me.
“Why is that?”
“He came to find me today and asked me to go out with him.”
“And?”
“And I kinda touched his scars. I think I might have maybe pushed him too far,” I answer feeling bad now that I’ve done it.
“No. I think that’s exactly what he needs. Challenge that son of a bitch. He holds himself hostage when he gets like this. He needs a woman to push his buttons,” Viking says sounding sure of himself.
“Yeah, because you’re not on the receiving end of it.”
“Doesn’t matter. He’d never hurt you. You know that right?”
Viking looks too serious and I want to nod my head in agreement, but I can’t. I don’t actually know that. I see the man that he is in his eyes and I want to believe the he wouldn’t hurt me, but so many have in the past.
“What the fuck are you doin’ here?”