Caleb’s Salvation

by Doyle, S

  How would that have looked to Sarah?

  How would this look now? Me, in the shower, jerking off to a woman who was not my dead wife.

  My balls got tight and I could feel it coming over me. I didn’t try to prolong it, just pushed myself to come. Hard spurts pouring out of me as Vivienne’s face swam before my eyes.

  When it was over, I bent my forehead to the shower wall and closed my eyes.

  “Sarah, what am I supposed to do?”

  There was no answer. There never was. Because she was dead, and I was still alive.

  That was never going to change.

  I turned off the shower and got out. I dried myself off and got into bed naked, which was how I slept. It was one of things that actually annoyed Sarah.

  She thought it was uncouth or something to sleep bare-assed naked. That civilized men wore pajama bottoms at the very least.

  I smiled remembering how I would wake her up in the morning with my naked, morning wood pressed against her ass and she would shriek like something had bit her.

  Almost every damn time, she shrieked like that.

  It was strange, but for the first time, I felt like I could have that memory without being sad. That I could remember without the pain that always seemed to come with those memories.

  Did that mean I was ready to move on?

  How could I do that when I promised I never would?

  “A need sign, Sarah,” I told the ceiling. “I need a goddamn sign.”

  Because I started to realize, just like I hadn’t been able to stop myself from coming tonight, it was getting harder and harder to resist going after what I wanted.

  And what I wanted was fucking Vivienne.

  7

  Bud’s

  Two weeks later

  Vivienne

  “Check,” Eve said.

  “Tell me what that means again?” I asked.

  “It means you’re basically passing your turn,” Shelby told me. “I check, too.”

  “I’ll bet,” Kate announced. “Two dollars.”

  “Kate,” Eve said with a small frown. “You’re fun as hell to drink with but you’re a damn lousy poker player.

  “Why?” I asked.

  It was Monday night and the crowd was light. Both Kate and Eve were in town so we decided to have a girls’ night. Zeke was watching the boys. I wanted to learn poker so I could play with the guys. Like drinking, gambling had obviously been forbidden when I was growing up. So were any games really. Pop saw the pursuit of fun as wasteful and self-serving.

  A wave of sadness rolled over me as I thought about him. Alone, in his house with his bible and nothing else. It was of his choosing, but still, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

  I probably shouldn’t care after what he did to me and Sam, but of course, I did. He was my father, even if he had kicked me to the curb. I knew there was no one there to cook his supper. No one to do the chores he deemed too womanly for him to do. I wondered if he regretted it, sending me away.

  There was no way for him to find me up here. It’s not like I had a number he could call. Although Eli had hooked me up with a pay-by-call plan on a burner phone. For emergencies, he’d told me.

  It occurred to me I should write Pop a letter. I could sit down and pour all my thoughts out on to paper. Tell him where I was and how Sammy was doing. Maybe he would write back. Maybe he wouldn’t. But it felt like the right thing to do.

  “Why?” Eve repeated as if I’d asked a stupid question.

  “Well, isn’t she supposed to bet?” I asked, pointing to the chips on the table.

  “Yes, but she gives away her hand every time she does,” Eve explained.

  “How can you tell?” I wanted to know.

  “Because she smiles like she’s the cat holding the canary.” Shelby giggled.

  “That’s not true,” Kate objected. “I’m working on my poker face, I swear. Jackson’s been helping me. Look, check this out. I call this my Jackson-face.”

  We all watched her expression go completely blank. Then she grunted in a weak imitation of Jackson and we all laughed.

  “Not bad,” Eve said. “You just need to do that when you bet. Viv, you need to fold.”

  I tossed my cards onto the table and so did everyone else. Kate took the tiny pot of chips, pleased by the win regardless of the amount.

  Shelby started shuffling the cards when I decided to drop my bombshell on the group.

  “So…crazy thing happened the other day. Ty asked me out. On a date. You know, a date-date. Like a real one.”

  Immediately, I had everyone’s attention.

  “Did you say yes?” Shelby asked cautiously.

  I shook my head. “I told him I needed to think about it. That it was a big deal for me. And it’s true. I’m a mother trying to make a life for myself and my son. Dating seems…indulgent.”

  “You’re a young, beautiful woman,” Kate said. “It’s okay for you to want more than just surviving. The question is do you want to go out with Ty?”

  “In a way,” I hedged, messing with the chips in front of me. Trying not to think about Caleb while I was considering Ty. “He’s sweet and nice. We laugh a lot. I’ve never been on a real date. It could be fun.”

  “Yes, but how do you feel about him?” Kate pressed. “Does he make you…you know…all tingly and warm inside?”

  “She means do you want to fuck him,” Eve said bluntly.

  I scrunched up my face. “No. But I think that’s because when I compare him to Caleb…he’s not…well, he’s not Caleb.”

  I didn’t have to explain any further as they all knew I had a thing for Caleb. I’d been working on The Break Down Caleb plan for weeks with nothing to show for it.

  I’d tried to convince him he still owed me a date. He didn’t budge.

  I’d tried to get him to come to the cabin on the pretense that the stove was clogged. He came, declared it not clogged and left before I could even open the bottle of wine I’d bought in an attempt to loosen him up.

  Sometimes when he came to Bud’s I would just sit at his table between running orders, watching him and the guys play. I’d rub his back between his shoulders, hoping he’d give me some small sign he was interested in me. Nothing. Not since the night he made me sit down to take a break.

  The truth was he was hanging out less and less with the guys.

  So scared of me, apparently, he was willing to change his habits.

  “The thing is, I’ve been here for six months now. I’m lasting through the winter just fine despite assurances I couldn’t hack it, and there hasn’t been one sign from Caleb that he intendeds to crack. And it’s not because he’s not interested. I know that. He just doesn’t want give in to it.”

  “Please.” Shelby snorted. “They all acted as if winter up here was like living on the other side of The Wall in Game of Thrones. I was convinced there were going to be zombies at every turn the way Cal talked about it.”

  “They’re not zombies, they’re White Walkers,” Kate said, taking a sip of her beer. “And you have to admit it’s freaking cold and miserable most of the time.”

  “It’s not cold and miserable when you’ve got a real man in your bed,” Eve cackled.

  “I wouldn’t know about that,” I said with a bit of blush. It took some getting used to the way people spoke up here. Eve could always find a way to make me blush.

  “Sam had to have a father,” she pointed out.

  I rolled my eyes. “Trust me. Dave was not a real man. Just someone who I thought could save me from my life. Big mistake.”

  “Amen, sister,” Shelby agreed.

  It was funny but for as close as we’d become, I really didn’t know what had brought them to Hope’s Point other than the contest. The same was true for me. Telling people your father kicked you and your child out onto to the street was not exactly a story you led with when you wanted to make new friends.

  I sighed. “Dave took off the second I told him I was pregnant. An
d I’m here because my pop kicked us out of the house. He’s a preacher and couldn’t handle that I’d sinned and Sammy was the result of that. I was living in a women’s shelter. I saw the ad on Facebook on a library computer and thought…maybe Caleb could save me, instead. I don’t know why—he just looked to me like the type who would charge into a burning building to save a cat. You know? In hindsight, I was pretty naïve.”

  “My uncle wanted to turn me into a porn star,” Shelby admitted. “I needed an angel and I got one.”

  “My dad was a crooked cop killed in a drug bust gone wrong,” Kate added. “I didn’t know he was dirty. Jackson did, though, because he was once set up by my dad and served time because of him. Still, he did the whole contest thing to reach out to me. Saved me from my life, too. So it’s not the craziest idea.”

  “Wow,” I breathed, having had no idea what Shelby or Kate had faced in their own lives. “We sure are pretty messed up. What about you, Eve?”

  Eve seemed to consider the question. “Oh, I didn’t have any of your problems or anything like that. I came up here to kill Zeke because he had this monster bounty on his head. Of course I ended up falling in love with the big guy. You know how that goes.”

  “I knew it,” Shelby whispered to Kate. “I told you she could kill people.” Then to Eve she said, “But you don’t kill people anymore, do you?”

  “Absolutely not! I’m a mother,” Eve said to me as if I would understand. Then she winked. “I only maim them. And even then, it’s just the bad guys, I promise.”

  “Anyway,” I said, trying not to think about exactly how Eve maimed bad guys. “I came for Caleb over a picture, a profile and stupid instinct. Which obviously was ridiculous. Beyond that really, since he wants nothing to do with me. So I should at least give Ty a chance, shouldn’t I?”

  I could see them looking at each other, communicating without saying anything out loud.

  “What? Tell me!”

  “I’ll tell her,” Shelby announced. She turned in her chair to face me directly. “I think you should go out with Ty, but I only think you should do it because that might be the thing that pushes Cal to act.”

  “Cal is stubborn,” Kate jumped in. “Maybe even more so than Jackson, which is hard to imagine, but he’s not indifferent to you. Not a little bit. When we’re all here and you’re working, he has to force himself not to look at you. You know his story, don’t you?”

  “I know he’s a widower. It was in his profile.”

  “It wasn’t just his wife. It was his little girl, too,” Shelby said softly, patting my hand. “She was only five.”

  I swallowed over the sudden lump in my throat. “What happened?”

  Shelby shook her head. “No one knows. He doesn’t talk about them, doesn’t mention them ever. So it’s uncomfortable to ever talk about it. We should have told you before but…I don’t know, I think we thought we were betraying Cal in some way. But now if you’re thinking about moving on…well, all bets are off. Cal is a good man who deserves to be happy, only he’s chosen this isolated life and it isn’t right.”

  “Yes, but me with Sam? We must remind him of everything he lost. No wonder he was so insistent I leave. It was only because I had nowhere to go that I was able to fight him.”

  It’s why he doesn’t call Sam by his name. It’s why Caleb knew when Sam should be crawling.

  Suddenly so much of Caleb’s distance made sense. I was a young woman with a baby who reminded him of what he’d once had and lost. Did I look like his dead wife?

  Did she have red hair?

  “That’s not your problem. That’s Cal’s to get over. Look, it’s simple,” Eve said. “When you look at Ty, what do feel?”

  “I feel lucky to have a friend,” I said, knowing that tingle wasn’t there.

  “And when you look at Cal, what do you feel?”

  “Like he’s ice cream, chocolate sauce and warm apple pie all rolled up in one,” I admitted. I didn’t know what the truth was going to get me. Especially if I was nothing but the reminder of Caleb’s heartache.

  “Exactly,” Eve said. “Take it from me, the older guys…they know what they’re doing in bed. And they’re super, super patient.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “You know what I mean?”

  “Uh, not really.”

  Which, of course, just made all the girls laugh hysterically.

  * * *

  Friday night

  Vivienne

  “I don’t know if I feel right about this.”

  I was sitting on the chair in front of the fireplace while Shelby was brushing out my hair. Sam was in his pack and play, oblivious to the shenanigans his mother was up to. It felt strange to have my hair free like this. I only ever wore it in a braid.

  Because my father had insisted my hair be tamed. Which was ridiculous now that I thought about it. But also, because the braid was practical. I didn’t have to wash my hair as much, and the braid kept it out of the way while both working and playing with Sam.

  This, having my hair loose around my shoulders, this felt decadent.

  “It’s a first date. Not a commitment,” Shelby said. “As long as you don’t lead Ty on, you’re not doing him any harm. Besides, it’s good for him, too, to get a little dating practice.”

  “But I’m doing this under false pretenses. Dating one guy to make another guy jealous is wrong and you know it.”

  “Let’s call it womanly wiles instead of wrong,” Shelby said above me. “What you’re doing is letting Cal know you’re not going to wait for him forever. If that means going out with Ty or any other of the guys at camp, so be it. He needs to see you’re a grown woman who has a life of her own.”

  “I don’t feel like a grown woman,” I confessed. “Maybe it was the way Pop raised me, or maybe it’s just me, but I always feel like this girl who is still figuring everything out. And I’m a mother! Shouldn’t Sam have come with instant wisdom and maturity for me?”

  “Hmm,” Shelby said. “I don’t know, I’m not a mother yet. But when that happens, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, you’ve got a home, you’ve got a job, you’ve got a group of friends. I would say you’re figuring out things pretty darn well. Now, stand up and let me assess my work.”

  I did as I was told and turned to face her.

  “Oh, my goodness,” she squealed. “He’s going to kick his own butt when he sees you. Now, two things.”

  She reached out to unbutton the top button on my flannel shirt. “No, that’s too much.”

  “Not with those boobs. We’re trying to push buttons, Vivienne. And here.” Shelby held out a small vial to me. “It’s a lip gloss. Nothing over the top. Just a little extra something.”

  I removed the lip brush from the tube. It was a nude gloss. Another first for me. Makeup.

  The word floozy echoed through my head, but that was Pop talking. I was a woman going on a date. I could let my hair down and wear lip gloss, damn it. I spread the gloss around my lips and smacked them. It felt exotic.

  “Well?”

  “Well,” Shelby said, smugly. “I’m just sorry I have to stay back with Sammy and I won’t be able to catch Cal’s expression when he sees you tonight. Kate has promised to take detailed mental notes.”

  “What if he’s not even there?” I asked her.

  “He’ll be there,” she said, fluffing my hair over my shoulder. “Jackson and Eli are in on the plan. They won’t let him off the hook tonight.”

  The knock on my door startled me.

  “Hey, Vivy, it’s me,” Ty called from the other side of the door.

  I felt another twinge of guilt. “Just a second,” I called to him. To Shelby I said, “I feel bad.”

  “Hey, Ty is a grown man. As long you don’t play with his feelings, he knows the risk. I mean, my goodness, I could have gone out on a date with Eli and thought he was as boring as a lump of coal. Not that I could have ever thought that about him. He was so funny and kind right from the beginning—”

  “Shelby!�
��

  “Right. Sorry. I get carried away. I’m only saying, Ty shouldn’t have any expectations. It’s a date. It’s supposed to be fun. That’s all.”

  A date. Fun. It wasn’t something I’d had a lot of in my life and I wasn’t going to let a guilty conscience ruin in it.

  I walked over to the door and opened it with a smile.

  Ty’s jaw practically dropped. “Oh fuck, you’re hot.”

  I winced. “Uh, thanks.”

  “Sorry, that was crude,” he apologized. “It’s just, usually, you’re all buttoned up and stuff. Fuck, that was probably wrong, too.”

  “It’s okay, Ty. Let’s just go.”

  “Yeah. Okay. I borrowed one of the guys’ trucks.”

  I nodded. The managers at camp all had their own trucks, but the lower-level workers had to make do with borrowing, I knew. It’s why the guys from camp always came into Bud’s in waves.

  “Let me just kiss Sam goodnight.”

  “Hey, Sammy! What’s up buddy?” Ty waved to him.

  I picked Sam up out of his playpen and gave him some pecks on the cheek. He was waving his fists.

  “Dadadada.”

  “Holy shit? Did he just call me Dada?” Ty asked.

  “No,” I said quickly. Maybe too quickly because Ty seemed startled by my insistence. “It’s just baby talk. Usually, it’s because he wants his bottle.”

  Shelby came over and took him from me, while I put my coat on and started to button up. “Then a bottle it is. You two go on now and have some fun.”

  I waved to Sam one last time, then followed Ty to his truck. We’d hung out a bunch of times since I’d gotten to town, but for the first time, I found myself nervous and tongue tied.

  I wasn’t sure if it was because I was actually on a date, or because I knew I was using him in some respect.

  He moved around the front of the truck and I hopped into the passenger seat. Once we were on our way, I thought about setting some ground rules. Making sure he didn’t have any expectations about what tonight was. Only the words seemed to get stuck in my throat