The Holy Land: Fanatical Earthling planet assassins are spreading chaos through the galaxy. Is there any nice way to stop them?

by Robert Zubrin

  Her grin became broader. “And I know how you feel about me.”

  That one caught him by surprise. He looked at her sharply.“Now wait just a minute, your worship, you may be telepathicbut...”

  “You are in love with me.”

  “No, I’m...”

  “Hopelessly, helplessly, utterly, totally in love with me.”

  With a shock of recognition, Hamilton realized it was true. He sat back in his chair, unable to speak. How had it happened? Had it been the exhilaration of the dance? Or had she used her telepathic powers to cast some kind of spell on him? Itdidn’t matter. The situation was terrible. He was in love with a woman who viewed him as a clinical specimen.

  “Poor thing,” she said.

  He looked at her in misery. “What can we do about it?”

  “Why should I want to do anything about it? I think it’s sweet.”

  “It’s not fair!”

  She chuckled.“What’s that expression you Earthlings use?‘Life’s notfair?’”

  “How can you be so cruel?”

  “Cruel?” she raised an eyebrow. “You murder six fine peoplewithout provocation, and won’t even apologize for it, and I’m supposed to pity you for your emotionaldesperation?”

  “But can’t you see that...”

  She interrupted him.“Enough.As I said, I am not ungrateful for what you did yesterday. So here is what I am willing to do. If you will give me your word of honor that you will not try to escape, or undertake any harmful actions against any Minervans, I will give you freedom of the city. You’ll be able to go outside whenever you wish, walk around, visit people, even,” she smiled, “go dancing. Just so long as you agree not to try to leave Minervan territory and come whenever I call you so we can continue ourtalks.”

  Hamilton thought the offer over. He knew there was no point trying to lie to her, so if he was to make the pledge, he would also have to decide to keep it. Giving up his right to attempt escape would be giving up his stand that he was a prisoner of war, which would reduce his dignity yet another notch. On the other hand, if he did not accept the offer, Aurora would keep him confined to his cell except when under her direct supervision, in which case escape would be impossible anyway. Yet his situation here was so humiliating. But then he thought: Wait, Aurora may think of me as a laboratory specimen, but I’m not. I am a man, and I remain a man no matter what she thinks. And if I stay here, and talk with her, and tell her all about me, just as she wants, maybe I can convince her that I am fully human. And if I can convince her, then maybe we together can convince the other Minervans that Earthlings are really human beings just like them, so we can all live together in peace. And maybe, if I can do all that, I can win her love.

  Aurora’s eyes went wide. “What a noble thought!” she said. “And so romantic! So you’ll do it?”

  “Yes. You have my word.”

  “Great! Wait till I tell my friends.” Turning, she called out in Minervan to a group of young priestesses who were walking nearby. As they gathered around the table, she spoke to them rapidly in the musical Minervan tongue. Then they all turned to stare at Hamilton and started to giggle.

  Aurora faced the soldier. “So, Hamilton,” she said with an ironic smile, “you’re not a laboratory specimen after all. You’re a Man with a Mission.”

  “Yeah, that’s right.”

  All the priestesses burst out laughing.

  Hamilton reddened with embarrassment. I guess I have my work cut out for me, he thought to himself.

  “Yes,” Aurora said, struggling to contain her laughter. “You certainly do.”

  In the basement of the First Methodist Church of Kennewick, Minister Aaron Vardt looked at his little charges. “Now boys and girls, who wants to go to heaven?”

  All the little children raised their hands. The Minister smiled. “Very good. Now who here knows what you need to do to go to heaven?”

  Many of the children raised their hands, and waved them anxiously, hoping to be the one called on. The Minister chose one little girl who he knew to be very bright. “Yes, Nancy.”

  Nancy said; “The way to go to heaven is to kill a Minervan.”

  Minister Vardt beamed his approval. “That’s right, Nancy, Jesus wants us all to kill Minervans. And what is the best way to kill a Minervan?” He looked around for another bright child to call on. “Yes, Alan?”

  Alan, age 9, knew the right answer. “The right way to kill Minervans is with a sixgun!” He made a gun out of his fingers and blazed away at the posters depicting the enemy that adorned the wall. “Bang! bang!”

  “That’s right, children, Alan is exactly right. The six-gun is our holy weapon. It represents our spirit and traditional values. Jesus will love us best of all if we use the six-gun. It is the divine tool that can allow each of you to achieve martyrdom.”

  On cue, Emily, age 13, spoke up. “But Reverend, we have no sixguns.”

  “Then let us turn the lights out and pray. Perhaps Christ will show us a way.”

  Emily threw a switch and the cellar went dark. All the children prayed in unison. “Our father, that art in heaven, please show us the way to kill the Minervans, the hateful enemies of all that is holy. Show us how to smite them, to shoot them, to poison them, to burn them, or slit their throats. Show us the way to inflict pain and misery on them here on Earth, as you will do to them in Helleverlasting…”

  As the pious prayer went on, the Minister could hear the sound of a large crate being dragged into the room. Then the prayer ended. The Minister said, “Emily, you may turn on the lightsnow.”

  The lights came on. There in the center of the room was a magnificent man. Beside him was an open crate filled with Colt-45 revolvers. The man said,“Behold! Jesus has answered your prayers. Here are loaded six-guns for each of you. Go forth and slay theMinervans!”

  With glee, the children ran up and seized their weapons. As they headed joyously towards the door, the Minister stopped them for a final review. “Remember children, it is important that others bear witness to your martyrdom. Don’t try to shoot a Minervan until there is a TV crew nearby. And once they blow your hand off, you can cry all you want, but remember to stay in frame. And what is our priority order for TV coverage?”

  The children all chimed in. “Galactic, interstellar, international, national, state and local.”

  The Minister nodded. “Very good. Now go forth and do God’s work. I will meet you all in Heaven.”

  The children ran out the door.

  When they were all gone, the Minister approached the Secret Service agent who had brought in the guns. “So Lou, how’s tricks?”

  “Not bad, Aaron. We’ve already rounded up enough new families of Kennewickian refugees to replace the martyrs you’ve expended three times over. Say, I heard the last lot of kids did pretty good.”

  Minister Vardt shrugged. “They did OK, I guess, killing one Minervan and wounding another before they were scragged. They could have gotten another if not for that traitor.”

  “What traitor?”

  “Hamilton, the Ranger they took prisoner during the May 1 fighting. One of my boys would have nailed a Priestess if not for him.”

  The Agent stared at the Minister. “You can’t let him get away with that.”

  “I don’t intend to.”

  Chapter 4

  It was the night of the full Moon, and Aurora was to be promoted. Hamilton read her note inviting him to the ceremony.

  “Hamilton, you are to come to the Temple of Minerva tonight. Be there at 10 o’clock exactly, and enter through the service entrance at the back. But right before you go, take three showers using the enclosed soap, and then put on the enclosed clothes. Under no circumstances should you defecate between the time you shower and the time you come to the Temple. It is essential that you obey these instructions precisely.

  Aurora.”

  Hamilton had done as he was instructed. The soap was very strong, but did not sting much after the first use. The clothes were
made of an unusual fabric, and while within terrestrial norms were colored and cut in an indefinable way that somehow made him look a bit like a Minervan.

  When he reached the Temple, he was admitted without a word through the service entrance and then seated behind a curtain off to the side of the main hall. From this position he could see the main podium but not the audience.

  Without warning, the hall erupted in song as hundreds of female voices joined in singing the hymn to Minerva. Then as Hamilton watched, the twelve priestesses second class of the Minervan High Council advanced onto the stage holding torches. An older woman followed them. With shock, Hamilton realized it was the High Priestess Nendra herself. Then, wearing a white robe, with a shining golden laurel wreath wrapped around her hair, Aurora advanced onto the stage. Hamilton had never seen her so radiant. She knelt before the High Priestess, her eyes modestly downcast, but with a hint of a smile upon her face.

  The music stopped, and the High Priestess spoke. “Sisters of Minerva,” she intoned. “We are gathered here today on a most joyous occasion, to welcome into the ranks of the Holy Third Circle one who has in every way earned the love of the Goddess. Aurora, daughter of Melodia, daughter of Iris, daughter of Thetis, daughter of Atalanta, daughter of Artemisia: stand forth and face yoursisters!”

  Aurora rose to face the audience, and the hall erupted into joyous song. Light shone brilliantly from her laurel leaves, and her smile was even brighter. When the song stopped, the audience broke into applause.

  The High Priestess let the clamor go on for about half a minute, and then raised her hands for silence.“Aurora,” she said.“Welcome to the Holy Sisterhood of the Third Circle. Speak to us of your discoveries.”

  As Aurora mounted the podium, there were tears of happiness in her eyes. She faced the crowd.“Sisters,” she said.“I give thanks to all on this glorious day. I thank my teachers, my mother, my grandmother, and my great grandmother. I thank our twelve great ones of the High Council, and you, divine High Priestess. Most of all, I give thanks to the Goddess Minerva herself, for all she has done for me and for all of us. Just think, ten years ago, we were wandering in darkness and in fear. Yet today, here we are, in the rebuilt Temple of the Goddess herself, living as free women in the holy land of ourancestors!”

  The hall erupted into applause. When it subsided, Aurora continued: “As it was in the beginning, as it has been through the ages, we the Sisters of Minerva, have always been the guardians of Divine Reason, that faculty which alone distinguishes humans from beasts. Thus it is our custom, today as throughout the ages, that upon attaining the holy order of the Third Circle, one of our Sisterhood should present to all others a précis of the work by which she has advanced the cause of Reason. And thus, as did my mother, grandmother, and great grandmother, in their time, so I shall do tonight. This is the object of mystudy.”

  She paused, and suddenly Hamilton felt her thoughts inside his head. “Hamilton, walk onto the stage right now!”

  Taken by surprise, Hamilton did nothing. Then Aurora touched her owl pendant and Hamilton felt a mild but startling electric shock in his genitals. “I said NOW!” her thought shouted again.

  This time Hamilton moved. As he entered the dais, her thoughts came again. “Now stand with your feet on the two silver stars, and hold your arms spreadwide.”

  The two stars were about a meter apart. Hamilton stood on them and stretched his arms. He looked out into the audience. Hundreds of female faces were staring at him with amused looks. He felt so embarrassed by their examination that, electric shock or no, he decided he’d had enough. But when he tried to leave, he discovered he could not move a muscle. He was paralyzed!

  At this thought, the whole audience broke out into giggles. Aurora looked at him and smiled a mischievous smile. The she faced her audience.

  “This is the specimen, Sergeant Andrew Hamilton, collected by me while he was in the act of murdering a group of Minervans out picnicking in the country. I had him wash properly today, and as you can ascertain, his smell is now within acceptable bounds. To me, this indicates that the hideous stench of Earthlings is not genetic, but, in at least some cases, could be ameliorated by instruction in proper sanitaryhabits.”

  A murmur of surprise rippled through the audience.

  “You will also notice, Sisters, that despite various unsightly mutila- tions, his physical characteristics, while markedly below Minervan standards, are not freakishly so.” With that, she touched her owl again, and Hamilton’s clothes disappeared leaving him totally naked in front of the crowd. As he blushed in humiliation, the women all burst into laughter.

  Aurora waited for the merriment to subside, then continued. “In fact, my measurements show that in composite relevant physical indices, the specimen falls roughly within the 5th percentile of Minervan males. My research also indicates that, however, he places within about the 95th percentile of Earthling males. So, the point is that he is no more than two standard deviations below the Minervan mean, and two standard deviations above the Earthling mean. Thus there is, in fact, an overlap between Minervan and Earthling male physiological characteristics, and the statistical difference is not more than four standard deviationsapart.”

  There was a stunned silence in the hall. Then one of the Second Class priestesses on the dais spoke. “But that is only physical characteristics. Surely you don’t mean to imply that there is an intellectual overlap?”

  Aurora bowed to the Second Class Priestess. “No, Your Eminence. Certainly not. Intelligence tests show true mental abilities nearly entirely lacking.”

  That comment got Hamilton mad. Hecouldn’t open his mouth to talk, but he thought as loudly as he could. “That’s not fair, Aurora. You know I have abrain!”

  A titter of laughter surged across the hall, as everyone overheard Hamilton’s defiant thought. Aurora looked at him and smiled, and then continued her speech to the Sisters, saying, “As I shall now demonstrate.”

  She turned to Hamilton again. “Now Hamilton. Here is an elementary intelligence test. I’ll ask you three very simple questions. If you can get any of them right, I’ll set you free. So try as hard as you can. OK?”

  Hamilton suddenly found his mouth was free to move. “OK,” he said.

  “Very good. Question number one. “Who played 7th base for the Pegasus Thunderbolts in the Galactic championship of 19,372?”

  “What?”

  Aurora snickered. “You mean you don’t know?”

  “Of course not…”

  Aurora turned to the audience. “He doesn’t know!” Everyone laughed.

  She turned back to Hamilton, “OK, question number two. On what planet was the twelfth of the Holy Owls born?”

  “Earth?” Hamilton guessed. Everyone laughed again.

  Aurora shook her head. “Well Hamilton, here is your last chance. If a man and woman enter the Temple of Minerva, what must the woman say before the man is allowed to speak?”

  Hamilton thought hard. The Minervan religion was obviously matriarchal. The women were intermediaries between the males and the Goddess. He ventured a try.“She has to say,‘Oh Great Goddess Minerva, condescend to grant this poor pathetic male the right to speak in your presence.’”

  There was hushed silence in the hall for several seconds. Aurora raised an eyebrow. “Not bad, Hamilton. It’s not the right answer, but it’s got potential.”

  She turned back to her audience. “And that is my final point, potential. The specimen has almost no actual intelligence, but he exhibits significant potential intelligence. I would even go further. You will have observed, Sisters, the persistent heated thought in the specimen’s mind: ‘This is not fair.’ I have examined this concept of ‘fair’ and as near as I can determine, it is a crude approximation of the Minervan concept of ‘just.’ It must thus be considered a proto-rational thought.”

  The same Second Class Priestess who had spoken before spoke again. “My dear, don’t you think you are going a bit far with this specu- lation?”
>
  Aurora looked respectfully at her senior, and said, “I know it may seem incredible, but may it please Your Eminence, I have done my research with diligence and this is my night to speak.”

  The High Priestess said, “Aurora, this is your night to speak, but this is also your time to conclude.”

  Aurora bowed. “Yes, divine one.” She turned to face the audience for the last time.“So, to conclude, my research indicates that Earthlings may, and I underscore may, be potentially human. And while this hypothesis can only be considered tentative and will require a great deal of further work to substantiate, I believe that it indicates that, when it would not otherwise result in inconvenience or loss of amusement, we should seek to minimize the pain and suffering that our actions might cause among them.”

  A shocked silence filled the room.Then the High Priestess said: “Ah, the refreshing idealism of the young. In time it will be followed by wisdom. Let usrejoice.”

  All the women began to sing a final soaring hymn.

  After it was all over, Aurora gave Hamilton another set of clothes and walked him home.

  “So you see, Hamilton, I spoke up for you and your people before the entire Sisterhood. What do you think aboutthat?”

  “Oh, yeah. You were a regular Martin Luther King.”

  She peered at him, annoyed. “So now you’re sulking again. Justwhat is yourproblem?”

  Hamilton turned to herenraged. “Aurora, you just humiliated me in front of every priestess in the city!”

  “Oh, poor baby.”

  “But…”

  She held up her hand.“Hush, creature. You have no right to complain. I did everything possible to make you look good. I had you wash properly so you wouldn’t smell. I gave you decent clothes so you wouldn’tlook ridiculous. I showed everyone your almost-normal physique so they would know that not all Earthlings are completely grotesque. I translated every word of the ceremony for you, so you would know what was going on. I chose the three easiest questions I could think of for your intelligence test, and even gave you a hint so you could score a few points. I removed your shell of arrogance, so everyone could see how cute your little psycheis.”