Friends Without Benefits

by Marci Bolden

  “No, it doesn’t.”

  “I agreed to counseling, I told him I’d try, but I feel like the best I can do is maybe not be so angry at him anymore. I can’t forgive him. And I can’t be with someone I can’t forgive.” She moved her hand to his chest as she pushed herself up, just enough that her breath kissed his face “And I don’t want to be with someone who only treats me well when he’s trying to earn my forgiveness.”

  “You deserve better.”

  “I’m glad you think so.” She kissed his cheek lightly. “I think I should sleep on the couch.”

  He rolled her beneath him. As he looked down at her face in the darkness, temptation nearly won out. She wouldn’t stop him if he kissed her, of that he was certain, but he could wait. If she ended things with Mitch, as she said she intended, she would be his in time. He would wait.

  “You stay.” He pressed his lips to her forehead. “Get some sleep.”

  He pulled away before she could protest. In the living room, he grabbed the blanket off the back of his couch and stretched out. He stared at the ceiling, thinking of how perfectly her body fit to his as he drifted to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Paul ignored how his siblings smirked as he ran his hand over Dianna’s hair and kissed her forehead. “Call me later.”

  “I will.”

  He opened the door, and she walked out with Annie and Donna—both grinning like know-it-alls—trailing behind her. She didn’t think it was a good idea for Sam to know she’d stayed with Paul, and he had to agree. The kid was getting enough mixed signals from his parents already.

  Paul turned and found Matt grinning.

  “Shut up,” he told his younger brother.

  “What?” Matt asked.

  “Whatever you’re going to say. Don’t.”

  “I wasn’t going to say anything.”

  “Right.” Paul moved past him toward the kitchen. The women had cleaned up from their big family breakfast, but he needed something to do to avoid looking at Matt. He wiped the counter and poured another cup of coffee.

  “She looked a lot better this morning.”

  “Getting a good night’s sleep will do that.”

  “Did you tell her?”

  “Tell her what?”

  Matt sat at the bar. “That you love her.”

  Paul stopped stirring his drink and looked at his brother. “No. And I’m not going to until the time is right. If it’s ever right.”

  “What do you mean, if? She stood right here and told Annie and Donna that she’s done with him.”

  “That doesn’t mean she’s ready for me to pile more bullshit on top of her.”

  “Being in love with her is bullshit?”

  “It is if she isn’t ready for it. She’s still got a lot to work through, Matty. She’s going to have to sell her house. That’s going to be hard for her.”

  “So be there for her. Help her.”

  “I’m going to. But I don’t want…”

  “What?”

  “You know how I am. You told me a hundred times when I was with Michelle. I jump in and rescue these women, and things get complicated. I don’t want to be that guy anymore. And I don’t think Dianna wants to be the damsel in distress.”

  “There’s a world of difference between Michelle and Dianna. You know that, right?”

  “I know.”

  “Helping Dianna is a far cry from letting Michelle bend you to her will. Dianna wouldn’t do that. She respects you.”

  “I know.” He smiled again. “Do you see how this conversation has turned? A few months ago, you were warning me to be careful about getting involved with Dianna. Now you’re telling me I should just suck it up and jump in. You, little brother, are just as screwed up as your big sister.”

  “Our big sister. And Dianna’s good for you, Paul. She genuinely cares about you.”

  He nodded. “I think so, too.”

  “So don’t let her slip away.”

  Paul pushed himself up. “I won’t. Not this time.”

  Dianna was glad she had asked Annie and Donna to take her home. Mitch’s truck was in the driveway, and Dianna suspected he had been there all morning, waiting for her to get home.

  “You okay?” Donna asked.

  “Yeah. Thanks, girls. I appreciate the lovely breakfast and knowing glances every time Paul spoke to me.”

  Donna giggled, but Annie opened her mouth as if offended. After a moment, she clamped her lips shut and grinned.

  “Call me later,” Annie instructed as Dianna climbed out of the back seat.

  Dianna was on the porch when the front door opened, and Mitch looked at her with sorrowful eyes. She lifted her hand to stop him. She wasn’t ready for his barrage of explanations and apologies. “I’d like to change.”

  “Can I make coffee or anything?”

  She shook her head and walked upstairs, leaving him looking helpless in the entryway. She plugged in her phone, which had died sometime during the night, and slipped out of her dress. She pulled on a pair of yoga pants and a T-shirt and then pulled her hair back in a ponytail and took a few breaths before going downstairs.

  Mitch was standing where she’d left him, and she almost laughed. He looked like a lost but devoted puppy standing there. She walked by him and into the living room, where she dropped onto the couch and pulled her legs beneath her. He sat, much more tentatively, on the other end of the sofa, and she realized he was still in the same slacks and dress shirt as the night before. The blanket that was usually neatly folded on the back of the couch was in disarray.

  “You slept here?”

  “I didn’t think Sam should be here alone.”

  “I let him know I wouldn’t be home. He’s seventeen, Mitch. He’s perfectly capable of being home alone.”

  “I know. He told me.” He lowered his face. “He asked me what happened. He was pissed at me, too. He’s gotten to be pretty protective of you, hasn’t he?”

  She smiled. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “I’m so sorry, Dianna. As soon as I saw them, I knew what was going to happen. I just didn’t know how to stop it. They’re newer clients. They didn’t know about…us.”

  She shook her head as she lowered her gaze. “Even if they had, why would they think you’d be out to dinner with your ex-wife?”

  He lowered his face.

  “I don’t mean it to sound like I’m mad,” she said. “That’s just the truth. Why wouldn’t they have thought I was her?”

  He ran his hand over his hair. “I really blew it, huh?”

  “I shouldn’t have left like that.”

  “I don’t blame you. I probably would have run out of there, too.”

  “It was humiliating.”

  “I know.”

  She bit her lip. “It was also a really strong reminder that no matter what we do, we can’t pretend she didn’t happen to us. She’s part of us now, and we can’t ignore that.”

  Mitch closed his eyes and nodded.

  “I don’t know if I can live with that. I don’t know if I want to.”

  “Don’t give up on me, Di. Please. Not because of this. This wasn’t something I could control.”

  “No, you couldn’t control it, but you certainly set the ball in motion. These are the consequences of your actions, and I’m so tired of being the one who pays the price. You had the affair, but I’m the one who is constantly being trampled on because of it. I can’t take any more.”

  “No, please.” He slid to her and grasped her hands. “Please, don’t say that. We just need more time.”

  “More time for what? To fight? To push each other’s buttons? To feel used and disgraced? This can’t be any easier on you than it is on me. Aren’t you tired of begging for my forgiveness?”

  He kneeled in front of her. “I will beg for your forgiveness every single day for the rest of my life if I have to.”

  “Come on. At some point we have to accept this isn’t working and move on.”

  “May
be, but this isn’t the time. Not because of this, Dianna.”

  “I called Annie last night. I didn’t know she was with Paul, but he came with her when she came to pick me up.”

  Mitch’s face sagged.

  “I was with him last night. Not like that,” she said when anger lit in his eyes. “He stayed in another room, but we talked quite a bit. I just wanted you to know because I didn’t want to feel like I’d lied to you.”

  “Does he want you to leave me?”

  His eyes were hard, angry, untrusting, and she almost laughed. He was jealous? Really? That was rich.

  “He’s the reason I gave you a second chance, Mitch. I didn’t want to, but he knew if I didn’t, I’d always wonder if I’d done the right thing. He’s done nothing but take care of me.”

  He pushed himself up. “Yeah, he’s some kind of hero, huh?”

  She shook her head. “I’m not going to fight with you about Paul. And if you’re smart, you won’t start a fight about Paul. You won’t like how it ends.”

  He looked down at her but didn’t say another word. Instead he paced for a moment and then sat beside her again. “Will you come to counseling Monday so we can talk about this more?”

  “No. I’m not doing this anymore.”

  “Because of Paul?”

  “Because of how being with you makes me feel.”

  “Angry,” he said, repeating the word she’d said the night before.

  “I’m sorry, but this isn’t going to work.”

  “You can’t say that yet. We’ve barely gotten started on fixing things.”

  She bit her lip. “After you left me,” she said quietly, “I kind of went into survival mode. Everything I did was just to get by financially. I ignored everything else. I buried my hurt and focused on that one thing so I didn’t fall apart. And then one day Paul showed up at the door, asking me to testify—”

  “If you tell me that you are in love with that prick—”

  Dianna lifted a brow at him. “You walked away with his wife. How does that make him the prick? If you care at all about me and your children, you should be thanking Paul. He bent over backward to help us out while you were off living your midlife crisis. I’m not saying I’m in love with him. I don’t know what I feel for him because I’ve been so busy trying to figure out how to get by. I’m trying to explain to you how I got to where I am right now, and I can’t do that without talking about Paul because, like it or not, he is a huge part of my life now.”

  “Okay,” he said, still sounding irritated. “Paul showed up. Then what?”

  “I called him when I found out you were getting married. I was inconsolable. I completely fell apart, and he was so kind and patient, even though he was hurting as well. He took care of me that night, and then he helped me pawn my wedding rings—”

  He creased his brow. “You sold your rings?”

  “So I could buy the boys Christmas presents, Mitch. I didn’t have money to buy them presents. And then when our divorce was final I was so broken, and Paul once again put me back together. We didn’t even realize it, but we were in this cycle of picking each other up and dusting each other off. We became dependent on each other. Everyone kept saying we needed to stop, to step back, but it wasn’t until you asked to come home that we realized just how deep we’d gotten.”

  “So you do love him?”

  Dianna sighed. “I used him so that I didn’t have to figure this out on my own. Every time I fell, he was there. He became the safety net that I lost when you left. I knew, no matter what happened, Paul would be there. But then you showed up, asking to come home, and he ran as fast as he could. And I don’t blame him. Everything we were to each other, we were because I loved you and missed you.”

  Mitch ran his hand over his face. “I don’t get what you’re saying, Dianna.”

  “He left, and I lost my safety net again. I was alone and scared and selling my home, and I grabbed whatever I could to survive.” She bit her lips. “I didn’t give you a second chance for the right reasons, Mitch, and no matter how many times you say that is okay, it isn’t.”

  He sighed. “It is because whatever the reason, we’re here. We’re trying to make things better.”

  She frowned. “You’re trying to make things better. I’m just trying to make sense of my life. And when I stand back and look at everything that has happened, being with you doesn’t make sense anymore.”

  He looked at her like she’d slapped him. “You haven’t given it enough time.”

  “When you asked me to let you help me with the mortgage, you said once I didn’t have to worry about the money, I could focus on fixing other things. You were right. Without the stress of keeping a roof over Sam’s head, I was able to see things more clearly. I may have been a mess all these months, Mitch, but even so, I’ve found new friends and a new life. It’s been confusing and frustrating, but I like it. I love my job and my co-workers. I love my friends and going to yoga every Saturday. It’s not what I expected, not what I would have chosen, but it’s what I have, and I want it.”

  “So you’re picking yoga class over our marriage?”

  She shrugged. “I guess so.”

  He scoffed and shook his head. “That’s nice, Di. That’s real fucking nice.”

  “Hey,” she said, harshly enough for him to look at her. “You chose perky tits and bleached hair over me, so don’t act like I owe you anything more than what I’ve given you.”

  He clenched his jaw, and she rubbed her hand over her forehead as she took a few cleansing breaths.

  “I don’t want us to hate each other,” she said. “You mean too much to me for that. We have two great kids. We need to get along for them. We’re family, Mitch, no matter what, and we need to be able to act like it. Be angry if you want, but please don’t hate me.”

  “I don’t hate you, Di. I just…” He lowered his face and shrugged. “I somehow thought that you’d be here waiting for me to come back to you. I thought you’d be so happy to have me come back that you’d just open your arms and we’d go on like I’d never been gone.”

  “I know you did. And I probably would have if Paul hadn’t helped me. I probably would have been angry, and I probably would have screamed and yelled, and then I would have forgiven you because I wouldn’t have thought that I had any other choice.”

  A hint of a smile touched his lips. “I don’t know if I should thank him or punch him in the face.”

  “You should thank him. You said yourself seeing him made you realize what you’d lost. And I don’t mean me. I mean Sam and Jason. Seeing Sam turn to Paul when he needed a father cut you. I saw it. You turned it around, and you never would have done that without Paul.”

  Mitch nodded. “I wish I’d turned it around sooner. I wish I’d walked away from Michelle the day I met her.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  She drew a breath before looking at him with a conviction she didn’t quite feel. “I’m going to sell the house. I’m going to get something smaller so I don’t have to worry about the payments. I’d like to repay you the money you gave me.”

  He was shaking his head before she finished.

  “I can’t do it now,” she continued, “but with the money from the sale—”

  “No. I gave you that money to help you out because I hadn’t done right by you, and I know that. I shouldn’t have fought child support and alimony. I was the one who left. I should have made sure you were taken care of, and I didn’t do that. You don’t owe me anything.”

  She nodded. “Thank you.”

  They were silent for what seemed an eternity before he finally said, “I don’t want to lose you.”

  “I’m sorry, Mitch,” she whispered, “but you already have.”

  He stared at his hands for a long time. “If you need anything, call me. I’ll be here.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I love you. I really do.”

  She offered him a s
oft smile. “I love you, too. Just not like before.”

  He hesitated before standing. When he was gone, she drew a deep breath. Even though it was what she wanted and she didn’t regret it for a moment, she had to swallow hard to fight her tears. She closed her eyes and rubbed her temples as a new problem presented itself.

  She’d settled her feelings for Mitch. Now she had to figure out how the hell she felt about Paul.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Annie leaned on the desk in front of Dianna. “Come see me for a minute.”

  Dianna followed her and dropped into a chair across from Annie. She had been expecting an in-depth Q&A session since arriving that morning. She wasn’t sure how much she wanted to divulge. Annie and Donna had subtly been dancing around what they both clearly wanted to know. Where did Paul and Dianna stand with each other? Dianna had avoided discussing that issue because she honestly didn’t know the answer.

  Before Dianna had met Annie, Paul had complained about her constantly sticking her nose in his relationships. Dianna finally understood exactly where he was coming from. Annie, though much more subtly where Dianna was concerned, seemed determined to know exactly how Dianna was feeling. All Dianna had said when she’d called Annie to let her know she was okay was that she’d broken things off with Mitch and it had gone as well as could be expected. She’d left the questions about Paul unanswered. And she knew that was eating away at Annie.

  “How are things going?” Annie asked.

  “Hmm?”

  “Don’t act innocent with me.”

  Dianna grinned. “I told you. Mitch was disappointed, but we left things amicably.”

  “How are you feeling? Do you feel like things are getting better? Are you feeling stronger?”

  Dianna wasn’t sure how to answer that. “Um, I guess.”

  “I’m not trying to pry—”

  Dianna snickered, and Annie narrowed her eyes a bit.

  “I’m just trying to get a feel for whether or not you are interested in taking on a bigger role.”

  “Such as?”

  “The market is picking up. I need a new agent.”