Confessions Between Us

by Tina T. Kove

  ‘But for my whole year in the military, you were left all alone.’ He bit down on his lip. ‘I felt like I abandoned you. And it hadn’t been that long since Kamilla left.’

  ‘She left two years before you,’ I pointed out. Two years was a long time. It might not always feel like it, but it was.

  ‘Yeah, well, still.’

  ‘You had to go to the military, Leo.’ I didn’t begrudge him that. ‘I wanted you to go. I wanted you to study after you came back. I didn’t want you to be stuck in town and with our parents just to babysit me. I kept out of their way.’

  ‘It’s not always that easy.’

  ‘No, it’s not.’ I sighed. ‘But I got through it. We got through it. You have a new life in Aarvik now and I… I have a new life too. A better life.’

  ‘I am happy for you.’ He smiled again now, almost wistfully. ‘You and Andreas seem close. It’s obvious you’ve got something good going.’

  ‘Do you have someone special in your life?’ I asked. Leo wasn’t very forthcoming about his love life. I didn’t know if he’d ever had a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. See, I didn’t even know what gender my brother liked—and we were supposed to be close.

  Then again, I hadn’t revealed I was gay until after I got with Andreas either. Maybe it was just regarded as a private business until there was another person to introduce.

  ‘Hah. No.’ Leo shook his head on a wry grin. ‘No one special.’

  That was a bummer.

  Oh, well, he’d find someone eventually. Or not, if that was his preference. As long as Leo was happy, I was happy.

  ‘A year course is an excellent way of trying something out.’ He brought the conversation back around to studies. ‘If you like it, you can build on it, and if you don’t, you can move on to something else after a year. You’ll still have it on your CV. It counts for something.’

  ‘That’s true.’ If I applied for a year course and ended up not liking it, spending only one year on it would still be doable. It was worse if I was locked in for three years. Although, I could always drop out, but that would feel like more of a failure.

  ‘Lots of people I know did year courses,’ he continued. ‘They spend a year doing something they thought they’d like. Some ended up going for a bachelor in it, others figured it wasn’t for them after all and pursued something else. But they still had that first year of experience. You can even build it into a bachelor’s degree if you take one where you need electives.’

  Leo was right.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about languages,’ I revealed. Those were the courses that had jumped out at me when I checked online. ‘English, most likely.’

  ‘Aarvik is great at humanities.’ Leo nodded approvingly. ‘I hear the professors are all great over there.’

  ‘Yours isn’t?’ I eyed him curiously.

  ‘Oh, they’re fine. Some are better than others. But that’s what it’s always like.’ He shrugged. ‘Not everyone is as enthusiastic about their field of study.’

  ‘Yeah, my history teacher seems bored of it all.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘All he does is make us read the book. He never says a word besides telling us that. He just sits at his desk doing nothing.’ History was supposed to be an interesting subject, but he made it so boring.

  ‘Oh, him. Yeah. I remember.’ Leo bobbed his head. ‘He was like that for the three years I had him as well.’

  ‘If you’re that bored, you should move on to something else.’ Although, just reading the book and not doing anything else made sure he didn’t set up group presentations and the like. Those were nightmares. Working with the other people in my class who had no interest in me… Maybe history wasn’t so bad after all.

  We lapsed into silence.

  I caught Leo glance down at my arms, however, and I knew he wanted to ask more about them. Or my mental state, maybe.

  ‘The cutting helped me,’ I said, voice low again. I didn’t want to talk about this, but perhaps I should. ‘That pain dulled the other pain, the emotional one, and—I think, if I hadn’t had that, I would’ve given up a long time ago.’ I wrapped my arms around myself as if I was cold, but I was just uncomfortable putting words to this dark part of me. ‘I know it isn’t pretty, that all my scars look horrible, but they helped me through everything. I don’t like showing them off and I hate the way my arms look, but at the same time… I can’t regret them.’

  ‘You always wearing long-sleeves makes so much more sense now.’ He tilted his head back. ‘I just thought you were always cold. You’re so thin, so that excuse seemed plausible.’

  ‘I am usually pretty cold too. It needs to be at least twenty-four degrees inside for me to feel warm.’ It was warm in here now, but that was because I’d adjusted the heating.

  ‘Yeah, you need to gain some weight.’

  ‘I know.’ Andreas told me that too. Weight and muscles. Not that I planned on ever going to the gym and lift weights with him, but I figured simply gaining weight would help.

  Leo’s hand clenched and unclenched where it rested on his thigh.

  He had something he wanted to say, so I just waited for him to spit it out.

  ‘You don’t feel like I abandoned you?’ he asked eventually. ‘Am I the cause of some of those scars?’

  ‘No.’ I shook my head vehemently. Leo had always been the one good thing in my life. ‘You never abandoned me. You kept in touch, you always pestered me to visit you. Kamilla left without a goodbye and never contacted us again. That’s abandonment.’

  Leo pursed his lips, nodding slowly in agreement. ‘So many years and not a word. I don’t get it.’

  ‘I don’t either.’ She’d been such a doting older sister, always making sure we were kept out of the crossfire.

  ‘I guess she had enough.’ Leo sighed. ‘She was young. Maybe she couldn’t deal with being our mother figure.’

  ‘We’re all the family we both have left.’ Leo was the only one in my family who mattered to me, who’d always been there for me. He hadn’t given up, he hadn’t left me to fend for myself.

  ‘That we are,’ Leo agreed—and we smiled at each other in understanding.

  Friday, February 22nd

  ‘Let’s play Never Have I Ever!’

  Sarah’s suggestion was met with enthusiasm.

  ‘What’s that?’ I looked around curiously.

  Everyone stared at me, so this seemed like something I should’ve known. Too bad I didn’t.

  ‘You’ve never done it?’ Sarah asked, lips parted in wonder and eyes slightly wider than normal.

  ‘Uh, no.’ I felt stupid now when they all made it seem like I was an idiot for not knowing.

  ‘It’s awesome,’ Sarah said. ‘It’s a drinking game in which we take turns asking each other about things we haven’t done. Those who have done that thing respond by taking a drink.’

  ‘You learn a lot about your friends that way.’ Peter gave Sarah a knowing look.

  I licked my lips nervously. If I could be enthusiastic about it, I would, but this was a drinking game. I didn’t like to drink.

  Andreas was game. So were Glenn and Peter. Even Leo seemed hyped about it. Which meant I was, again, the odd one out.

  ‘So are you all in?’ Sarah clapped her hands together, looking at all of us in turn.

  Of course everyone was in.

  ‘It’s a fun game, even if you’re only drinking soda,’ Andreas told me in a low voice. ‘You can try for a bit? If it’s not for you, we can do something else.’

  And there I was, ruining their night. Again.

  ‘Okay.’ I nodded. Even if I hated it, I’d try my best to at least act as if I was having fun. I hated raining on their parade every single day. I didn’t like skiing, I didn’t like drinking, I didn’t like partying. What was I even doing here?

  I should’ve just stayed at home. Or gone to Aarvik to visit Leo, so Andreas could have the holiday alone with his friends without me like a chain around his leg.

  ‘I’ll start, and then w
e’ll move clockwise.’ Sara pulled her feet up to curl them under herself. ‘Uh, let’s start innocently. Never have I ever…’ She drew the last word out as she thought about it. ‘…fainted.’

  No one drank.

  Sarah sat at the other end of the sofa and she looked over at Leo, who sat beside me. ‘Your turn.’

  Leo thought for a second. ‘Never have I ever been in love with anyone in this room.’

  I drank from my soda. Andreas and I had only been together a month, but there was something there. Not that I’d ever uttered the L-word in any shape or form, but yeah.

  Then there was Glenn and my complicated emotions about him, but I wasn’t dwelling on that.

  Everyone else drank too. Sarah and Peter were obvious, as they were together and all. But Glenn drinking? That was a shock. Was he admitting to liking Andreas right now?

  But I wasn’t dwelling on Glenn. I was trying to put last summer behind me and focus on the good thing I had now.

  If only it were that easy.

  ‘Your turn, Alex.’ Sarah’s voice broke me out of my thoughts.

  I flinched, surprised, but quickly got control of myself. ‘Uhh… Never have I ever… cheated on a test.’ That was just so lame.

  Andreas drank.

  ‘You’ve cheated?’ I stared at him in wonder, then glanced towards Sarah, who had also taken a drink. The other three had taken a drink too, but it was Andreas and Sarah who was the surprise here.

  ‘Yeah, well.’ Andreas shrugged, sheepish. ‘It wasn’t my proudest moment. ‘There was that one time in middle school I hadn’t studied. I forgot there was a test.’

  ‘Same.’ Sarah chuckled. ‘I wrote my friend’s answers on my test. Turns out, she hadn’t studied either. And what with having the same answers, and all of them wrong, we got caught.’

  ‘See, that’s not how you cheat.’ Andreas grinned. ‘I did it better. I didn’t get caught.’

  ‘Some of us just have better luck.’ She shook her head. ‘Your turn, by the way.’

  ‘Never have I ever bought alcohol for a minor.’

  ‘What, not even to Maria?’ Glenn stared at Andreas, speaking for the first time since the drinking game started.

  ‘Do you even know my sister?’ Andreas gave him a quizzical look. ‘She’s like the healthiest person I’ve ever met. She doesn’t drink soda. Do you think she’ll put alcohol in her body? Also, I can’t go breaking the law.’

  Glenn rolled his eyes as he took a long swallow of his drink.

  ‘You’re better than me, man,’ Peter said as he took a drink too. ‘Lea’s persuaded me to buy alcohol for her several times.’

  Peter had a sister? I hadn’t known that.

  Also, Sarah had mentioned something about sisters our first day here, but I hadn’t given it much thought then.

  ‘She should hang out with Maria,’ Andreas said. ‘She’s a good influence. Not on me, mind. She frequently tells me I’m too unhealthy.’

  But she had been nice enough to make him brownies for his birthday. Brownies and ice cream for breakfast, that wasn’t normal by any means. That was the only time I’d hung out with Maria on my own.

  ‘Your turn, man.’ Peter kicked lightly at Glenn’s knee.

  ‘Never have I ever caught my parents shagging.’ Glenn kicked him back, grinning.

  Peter groaned, but he took a swallow of his drink. ‘They’re like newlyweds, I swear.’

  ‘How come they only stopped at two kids, again?’ Andreas teased.

  ‘Never have I ever been naked in public,’ Peter offered, ignoring Andreas’s comment.

  Glenn snorted a laugh before taking a sip. ‘That’s going to change in May when we’re celebrating being graduates. We’re going to do so much stupid shit that being naked is just a walk in the park.’

  ‘Hey, I’ll drink to that.’ Peter clinked his glass to Glenn’s.

  ‘Hey, now. Being naked in public is a crime,’ Andreas reminded them.

  Sarah probably agreed with Andreas seeing as she was frowning at Peter.

  Then she tapped her glass to her lips, thinking. ‘Never have I ever had sex at school.’

  Glenn drank again. Who had he shagged? Was that Ben? Had they shagged at school? It was certainly not me.

  Leo drank too, which was surprising. Then again, I knew nothing about my brother’s love life. That wasn’t something we ever talked about.

  ‘Never have I ever had sex outside,’ Leo said next, ticking to the whole sexual theme the game had evolved into.

  Glenn drank once again.

  That wasn’t us either. We’d been cooped up in his bedroom for two weeks straight.

  I took a tentative sip of my glass, not looking at anyone in particular, hoping no one noticed.

  ‘Never have I ever kissed a girl,’ I said quickly, wanting to move on.

  Everyone but me drank, which didn’t come as a shock.

  ‘That’ll change later when we do spin the bottle,’ Sarah promised with a wink. She was more than tipsy right now.

  I flushed. We were doing that game too?

  Andreas put a hand on my thigh, stroking softly. I looked at it, glanced around, and when no one paid us any attention whatsoever, I relaxed a little.

  ‘Never have I ever been sick on anyone.’ Andreas finally moved away from all the sex-topics, to my happiness.

  Glenn, Sarah and Leo drank.

  Peter gave Sarah a look. ‘Yeah, I remember the time you puked all over me. That was fun.’

  ‘The things you do for love, am I right?’ Sarah slapped his upper arm with a laugh. Peter grabbed her hand, tangled their fingers, and Sarah tipped over to rest against him.

  ‘Never have I ever been in a relationship.’ Glenn held his glass up as if to toast, while the rest of us—sans Leo—drank from ours.

  I’d thought what we had for those two weeks had been a relationship, but I was wrong. I’d already figured that out by how cruelly he’d dumped me, but to have it spelt out so bluntly hurt.

  Also, Leo hadn’t taken a drink. So he’d never been in a relationship with anyone?

  Andreas’s hand squeezed my thigh again and I covered it with my own, playing slightly with his fingers, trying to keep my mind off of everyone else’s love life. The only love life I had any say in was my own.

  ‘Never have I ever been caught by my parents when having sex.’ Peter grinned down at Sarah.

  ‘Liar!’ She sat up straight.

  ‘Your parents caught us,’ he reminded her, unable to keep the smile off his lips. ‘Not mine.’

  A faint blush appeared on Sarah’s fair, freckled skin and she tilted back into him. ‘Yeah. Right. Let’s not ever talk about that again.’ She drank from her glass.

  No one else drank.

  At least there was one thing Glenn hadn’t experienced.

  Maybe if someone were to say they had never strung a guy along and then dumped him cruelly, he’d drink to something that pertained to me. For now, everything he’d had a drink to was something that didn’t have anything to do with me.

  I also didn’t know why I cared.

  I was with Andreas. I was over Glenn. So over him.

  ‘Never have I ever had sex with someone I couldn’t remember the name of the next day.’ Sarah’s face was still flushed after remembering the incident with her parents.

  Glenn, Leo and I had a drink.

  ‘Never have I ever had sex with a co-worker,’ Leo said.

  I had to drink now too and I was the only one. Because the rest of them—sans Leo—were privileged dicks who had parents or parental figures who cared for and supported them through school. And that came out way too bitter. I hadn’t meant to be bitter. I was glad they had good families.

  ‘Never have I ever had sex in a car.’ Why were we back on the sex statements? It was awkward and embarrassing.

  Everyone but Andreas and me drank.

  It was Andreas’s turn now.

  ‘Never have I ever had a wank in school.’

  Glen
n laughed before taking a long sip of his glass. Peter and Sarah both snorted, not taking a drink either.

  I looked at Leo, who was shaking his head with a small smile. He caught me looking and smiled wider. When I turned back, I found Andreas looking at me too. He was grinning.

  ‘Never have I ever done oral sex on a guy.’ Glenn eyed Andreas intently.

  Andreas didn’t seem fazed at all as he took a long drink—basically sharing with everyone that he had sucked my dick.

  Glenn never had, so it didn’t surprise me that he didn’t drink. He’d touched my dick, stroked me off and all that, but his mouth had never been near it. Mine had been on his though. Frequently.

  Sarah drank too, but Leo and Peter’s glasses stayed untouched.

  ‘Never have I ever had anal sex,’ Peter continued on the same track as Glenn had veered into. A moment went by—in which I drank—and then Peter had to drink too.

  ‘Hah!’ Glenn kicked out at Sarah, who kicked back playfully. ‘You’ve let him in the back door.’

  ‘Oh, shut up. Who the fuck trusted you enough to let you up their arse?’ Sarah took a drink as she regarded Glenn. ‘I never would’ve let you do that.’

  Glenn smirked. ‘You don’t know what you’re missing.’

  ‘I will never shag you. All the places your dick’s been…’ She pretended to shudder. ‘Who knows what I’d catch. Chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhoea—I can just keep on going. I have so many reasons why a girl like me would never get close to a guy like you.’

  A guy like me had let Glenn that close.

  That was not information I was about to share with anyone though.

  ‘You’re also taken,’ Peter shot in. ‘And he’s my best friend. That’s just never happening. Ever.’

  Sarah gave him a stern look. ‘If we break up, I can shag whoever I want to. Even Glenn.’

  ‘We are not breaking up.’ He pulled her back down against him, almost holding her in a chokehold.

  Sarah only laughed, dropping down to rest on his lap once he let her go. ‘How about kissing?’

  ‘What?’ Andreas tilted his head to the side in confusion.

  ‘Spin the bottle!’ She raised her empty Sprite bottle in the air. ‘Let’s do spin the bottle and whoever the bottle points at, we have to kiss.’