The Lies We Believe
Page 32
I certainly have done that very thing. One tendency I have is to be “polite” in conversations with others at the expense of saying what I really think some times. I nod my head and say “uh-huh” fifty times as if I agree when I really don’t and am afraid to say so because the person may not like me if I do. Sound familiar?
Now, take a few minutes to respond to some questions. First, whose approval do you feel that you want and how strongly do you want it (0 = don’t want it at all; 100 = will die if I don’t get it)?
___ I want _________________________ to approve of me.
___ I want _________________________ to approve of me.
___ I want _________________________ to approve of me.
___ I want _________________________ to approve of me.
___ I want _________________________ to approve of me.
Thinking about your need for the approval of those you listed, what have you done to get it that you would agree was inappropriate? In other words, how did you violate your sense of right/wrong, ethics, or common sense to get these people to accept you?
1. ______________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________
2. ______________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________
3. ______________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________
4. ______________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________
5. ______________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________
Now, I want you to focus on a certain person whose approval you currently need too much, inappropriate ways you go about getting the approval, and what you are willing to do to change.
The person in my day-to-day life whose approval I need too much is ________________________________________________________________
What I do to get the approval that I know is wrong or inappropriate is ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
In order to change, I am willing to
* * *
Implement the change(s) to quit seeking this person’s approval in unhealthy ways. Be willing for your relationship with him or her to change, maybe get worse. People often grow accustomed to our needing their approval, and they don’t always take too kindly to our stopping what we do to get it. Be prepared for a “jolt” to your relationship with this person, maybe even for the relationship to end. Just remember this: if you have to violate your conscience to get or keep somebody’s approval, the approval isn’t worth having.
Another thing I would like you to do this week is to purposely do something that you know will lead to people disapproving of you. No, I am not asking you to do something immoral such as rob a bank or shoot a neighbor you don’t like. I’m asking you to purposely trigger disapproval in an amoral way so that you can work on not needing approval so much. Here are some “fun” possibilities on how to do this:
• Yell out the time of day in the center of a large store. Walk backwards in a mall.
• Walk through a shopping mall while wearing Mickey Mouse ears. Wear a baseball cap with a goofy saying on it.
• Go up the “down” escalator (don’t hurt anyone).
• Drive the speed limit in the fast lane.
• Sing (in a semi-low voice) in an elevator.
• Tell your kids no (that’ll shock ’em)!
• Take the opposite point of view from what someone is saying.
Once you decide what to do, do it. Try to pay attention to how you feel before you do it, while you are doing it, and after you do it. If you need people’s approval as badly as most of us do, you will feel pretty anxious throughout the whole event. I want you to realize in doing this assignment that five minutes after it is over, no one will really care (and if anyone does, he needs more help that you do!). I really want you to see that you can live with people’s disapproval and that you get a certain amount of freedom back when you quit worrying so much about what people think.
Again, I am not trying to push you in the direction of being immoral or insensitive to others. We definitely need to act morally and respectfully toward others. To do something wrong for the purpose of hurting others just to prove we don’t need people’s approval would be way out of line with living our lives properly. The healthy person doesn’t do things just for the sake of approval nor does he purposely do wrong things in order to elicit disapproval. He does what is right whether anyone approves or not and is able to enjoy whatever approval that does come his way.
Finally, I want you to look up the following verses in the Bible to see what it has to say about the issue of needing people’s approval. Summarize what each verse says in the space provided:
Galatians 1:10:
* * *
* * *
Romans 14:8:
* * *
* * *
Is it okay to want approval? Yes. Is it healthy to want it from everyone? No. Is it appropriate to want it so badly from one person that you will violate God’s laws to get it? No. What is the best kind of approval to have? The kind that comes from living morally.
Is that the kind of approval you are looking for?
Week Seven:
Facing Problems
Another lie explored in this book is the idea that “it is easier to avoid problems than to face them.” Of course, we know that problems only get worse when they are avoided, but we avoid them anyway. This week I want to push you to confront this lie head-on.
First, look back in time to instances in your life where you avoided facing a problem. Write down three examples and the cost (emotional, spiritual, relational, financial) of avoiding them.
The problem I avoided was
* * *
* * *
The price I paid for avoiding this problem was
* * *
* * *
The problem I avoided was
* * *
* * *
The price I paid for avoiding this problem was
* * *
* * *
The problem I avoided was
* * *
* * *
The price I paid for avoiding this problem was
* * *
* * *
Review your responses. Did you end up suffering more because you avoided the problem than you would have if you had faced it? My guess is that the answer to that question is yes. It almost always is.
Now, I want you to think about current problems in your life. In the spaces provided, write down examples of problems you are currently avoiding and what, if any, price you have paid so far for having done so.
A problem I am currently avoiding is
* * *
* * *
The price I have paid so far for avoiding this problem is
* * *
* * *
A problem I am currently avoiding is
* * *
* * *
The price I have paid so far for avoiding this problem is
* * *
* * *
A problem I am currently avoiding is
* * *
* * *
The price I have paid so far for avoiding this problem is
* * *
* * *
Now, for the hard part. From among the problems you are currently avoiding, I want you to choose one and face it. Do it now if you can. Do it in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours for sure. Don’t put this problem off any longer. You are paying too high a price for avoiding this problem in your life, and it is time you did something about it.
An oil filter commercial from years ago had a popular slogan: “Pay me now, or pay me later.” The idea behind the ad w
as that you could spend a few bucks now on a new oil filter or hundreds of dollars later on a new engine. The bottom line is that either way you go, you are going to have to pay, so why not pay the smaller amount up front? That ad had a lot of wisdom to it.
The same goes for our personal lives. The issue isn’t, “Are we going to suffer?” Of course, we are. The issue is, “Which kind of suffering are we going to choose?” Are we going to be willing to suffer appropriately by facing our problems head-on when they occur, or are we going to put them off and suffer ten times as much down the road? The choice truly is ours. The route we choose makes or breaks us as we journey through life.
Before we wrap up this workout, I want you to take a moment and make as complete a list as possible of all the problems you are currently avoiding in your life.
Problem #1:
* * *
* * *
Problem #2:
* * *
* * *
Problem #3:
* * *
* * *
Problem #4:
* * *
* * *
Problem #5:
* * *
* * *
Problem #6:
* * *
* * *
Problem #7:
* * *
* * *
Problem #8:
* * *
* * *
Problem #9:
* * *
* * *
Problem #10:
* * *
* * *
The truth of the matter is that each problem you listed is an opportunity to protect yourself from worse problems down the road and thus keep your mental health in the process.
Maybe an analogy will help. I ask my kids to brush their teeth every day. They protest, “Oh, Dad, do I have to?” Well, the truth of the matter is, they don’t. The truth of the matter is, they get to. They get to brush their teeth and thus protect themselves from painful cavities and related dental work down the road. Try to sell my kids on that idea, and you’ll see eyes start to roll and lips start to complain. But it is no less true just because they don’t buy it. They get to brush their teeth and thus have the blessing of healthy teeth down the road.
Do you see your problems in that light? Or are you still thinking like a child and whining and moaning every time a problem presents itself? I want you to go back to your list of problems and say each one out loud, beginning with “I get to . . .” Say each problem this way two or three times if necessary. Face each problem now—don’t pay more later on. It isn’t worth it.
To put a nice cherry on top of this cake, read James 1:2–4, and summarize in the space provided what you think it is saying:
* * *
* * *
* * *
That’s the right attitude toward problems, isn’t it?
Week Eight:
Discovering Your Identity and Worth
Two things that all of us seem to need as we go through life are a sense of who we are and a sense of worth. If we fail to nail down either one, we are in bad shape. When we don’t have a proper sense of these two things, we are more troubled, unhappy, and self-destructive. This week, I want to push you to honestly examine where you get your identity and worth from. I also want to help you see where they need to come from.
Far too many of us get both our identity and our worth from the various roles we play. Our identity may come from “I’m a parent” or “I’m a teacher.” Our worth then comes from how well we perform in those roles. Letting our identity come from the roles we play and allowing our worth to come from how well we play those roles are two humongous mistakes.
Take a minute to look at this issue. What roles do you play in life, and how much does your sense of worth depend upon how well you perform in these roles (1 = very little; 7 = a great deal)?
How Much My Sense of Worth Depends on the Role I Play How Well I Perform in This Role
_____ Spouse 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
_____ Parent 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
_____ Worker (Job) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
_____ Friend 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
_____ Neighbor 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
_____ Volunteer 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
_____ Other:________ 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
_____ Other:________ 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
_____ Other:________ 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Take a minute to look at the roles you checked and how much your sense of worth depends on your performance in each role. I would like you to answer two questions. What specific role do you depend on the most for your sense of worth? What has it been like emotionally over the past few years of your life to have depended upon that role for your sense of worth? _____________________________________________________________________________________
I want to help you understand something here that is critically important. Our self-esteem ought to come from how well we perform in the various roles we play, but not our identity and not our worth. Let me explain.
Every psychologist has a definition of what self-esteem is. The best one I have ever come across is from William James, considered by many to be the father of American psychology. William James defined self-esteem this way: Self-esteem = success/expectations. In other words, your self-esteem is a function of how well you perform (your “successes”) compared to how well you thought you should perform (your “expectations”).
Let’s try an example using a 0 to 100 scale. Let’s say I am somebody’s best friend. Let’s say I expect myself to be a perfect best friend, thus my “expectations” level is 100. But let’s say over the past six months that I have been a pretty poor best friend (haven’t talked to him very often, haven’t shown a lot of interest in his problems), thus my “successes” level has been around 40. Using William James’s definition, my self-esteem as a best friend would be 40/100 and thus would be pretty low.
But let’s say that I am employed as a sales rep at a pharmaceutical company. I think I should do a fantastic job, so my “expectations” level is 100. It turns out I am the company’s leading sales rep every year and I am constantly setting new sales records that no other sales rep comes even close to, so my “successes” level is 98. According to William James’s definition, my self-esteem as a sales rep would be 98/100 and thus would be extremely high.
One final variation on the theme. Let’s say I volunteer one hour a week at the concession stand at the baseball park where my son plays baseball. I don’t expect myself to be a very good concessionaire, so my “expectations” level is 30. Let’s say I do the bare minimum in my role (get customers what they want, smile nicely, don’t spill drinks on anyone), so my “successes” level is 25. Well, according to good old William James, I still ought to have high self-esteem as a volunteer concessionaire because my self-esteem score is 25/30, which is pretty good. If William James is right, our self-esteem in various areas of life ought to fluctuate as our performances and expectations in those areas go up and down. If I expect myself to perform well in a certain area and don’t, then my self-esteem in that area ought to be low. If I expect myself to perform well in a certain role and do, then my self-esteem ought to be high.
Translate this into your children’s lives for just a minute. If one child is capable of making As in math and is bringing home Fs due to laziness and indifference, you don’t want him to have high self-esteem as a math student. If he is capable of making Bs in history and is bringing home B+s because he is working really hard to do well, you would want him to have high self-esteem as a history student.
With all this said and done, go back to the various roles you play, and rate your self-esteem in each role.
Role I Play Self-Esteem = Successes/Expectations
_____ Spouse S-E = __________ / __________
_____ Parent S-E = __________ / __________
_____ Worker (Job) S-E = __________ / __________
_____ Friend S-E = __________ / __________
_____ Neighbor S-E = __________ / __________
_____ Volunteer S-
E = __________ / __________
_____ Other:_________ S-E = __________ / __________
_____ Other:_________ S-E = __________ / __________
_____ Other:_________ S-E = __________ / __________
Before we leave this issue, the implications for how to raise self-esteem are fairly simple. First, you can improve your “successes” level. If your self-esteem is low because you are not performing well enough, you need to do whatever you can to perform better. Second, you can improve your self-esteem by lowering your expectations. Sometimes we struggle with low self-esteem because our expectations are unrealistic—we aim too high. Setting more realistic standards is the key. Third, we can do both—improve our performance while simultaneously making our expectations more realistic. This option is usually the best course of action for raising self-esteem.