The Lies We Believe
Page 33
Now, let’s turn our attention to the issues of identity and worth. The most important thing for you to understand is that neither identity nor worth has anything to do with performance. Nothing! Let’s look at each issue separately.
Identity has to do with who you are in your being. We explored this issue in Chapter 19, and we need to explore it again now. I want you to take the following “identities” you have as a Christian, read the biblical passages on them, and write a brief sentence or two on what each means to you:
Holy (1 Cor. 1:2):
* * *
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Blameless (Eph. 1:4):
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Complete (Col. 2:10):
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Child of God (John 1:12):
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Slave of Righteousness (Rom. 6:18):
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Temple of God (1 Cor. 3:16):
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New Creation (2 Cor. 5:17):
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Saint (Eph. 1:1):
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Christ’s Friend (John 15:15):
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Conqueror Over Evil (Rom. 8:37):
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Citizen of Heaven (Phil. 3:20):
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Joint Heir with Christ (Rom. 8:17):
* * *
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Your identity is not “loser,” “idiot,” “failure,” or “wimp.” Your identity is “child of God,” “saint,” “heir,” and “new creation.” When you assume the wrong identity, you lose not only an accurate sense of who you are but all the emotional and spiritual health that goes with it. When you have the correct identity, you don’t have to find one in a role you play (spouse, parent, worker, friend) or buy into false identities that may have been handed to you by somebody else.
Now, let’s talk about worth. Worth has to do with your value. It is based not on what you do but on who made you. For example, the value of a painting is tied to the artist who created it. I am not a skilled artist (stick figures are the best I can do). Consequently, any paintings I might paint would be worth very little. Yet a Rembrandt is worth a substantial sum of money because of the artist who painted it.
The point I am trying to make here is that you have incredible worth because of who “painted” you. God, the greatest Painter of all, created you. You are His masterpiece. God may have made you, in human terms, with more or less intelligence, looks, or talent than His other masterpieces, but each person has God’s “signature” on him as being made by God. Consequently, you are priceless. All the money, jewels, and precious metals in the world would not be enough to purchase you.
The Bible says very clearly what it took to purchase you (Rev. 5:9). It took the life of Christ. There is nothing and no one of greater value than that. The highest price possible was paid for you, something that ought to tell you what you are worth. What does it mean to you that you were bought with the life of Christ? ________________________________________________________________
Before I let you go, I want you to do three things. First, choose a role you play in life in which you have low self-esteem, and do what it takes to raise your self-esteem. That means both performing better and being realistic as far as what you expect of yourself. Second, choose one “identity” you have as a Christian from among those noted here, and memorize the Bible verse that went with it. Third, find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed, and meditate for five minutes on the following statement: I am God’s priceless masterpiece.
Week Nine:
Rejecting Your “Have To’s”
Earlier in this book I tried to sell you on the idea that we often victimize ourselves by thinking we have to do certain things when the truth of the matter is that we choose to do what we do. The have to mind-set leads to bitterness and resentment, while the choose to mind-set leads to peace and freedom.
The purpose of this week’s workout is to take you back into have to versus choose to and get you to apply these notions to your life. First, list all the things you feel that you have to do.
I have to
1. _____________________________________________________________;
2. _____________________________________________________________;
3. _____________________________________________________________;
4. _____________________________________________________________;
5. _____________________________________________________________;
6. _____________________________________________________________;
7. _____________________________________________________________;
8. _____________________________________________________________;
9. _____________________________________________________________;
10. _____________________________________________________________;
11. _____________________________________________________________;
12. _____________________________________________________________;
13. _____________________________________________________________;
14. _____________________________________________________________;
15. _____________________________________________________________.
Look back through the list, and choose five have to’s that bother you the most (make you feel angry, frustrated, resentful). For each one, write in the spaces provided that you choose to do it and give the reason(s) why. Let me give you an example to get you started.
I sometimes struggle with this: “I have to take the kids to school on Thursday morning.” When I think this way, I find myself feeling resentful, and the trip to school is anything but enjoyable. The truth of the matter is, I don’t have to take my kids to school on Thursday morning. I choose to. I choose to because it helps my wife, Holly, and it gives me time with the kids that morning that I wouldn’t usually have. So, I am free to not take them to school, I choose to do it, and there are good reasons for making that choice.
Now, it is your turn. Take five “have to’s” and turn them into “choose to’s” and give reasons for your choice.
I choose to
* * *
because
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I choose to
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because
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I choose to
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because
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I choose to
* * *
because
* * *
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I choose to
* * *
because
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I hope you are able to see that there is nothing you have to do in life and that you choose to do the things you do. This is a critical fork in the road between mental/spiritual misery and mental/spiritual health.
A final step for you to take: pick a have to from among your list and choose not to do it. Yes, you heard me right. Prove to yourself that you don’t have to do it by not doing it. A word of caution: choose a have to that won’t hurt anyone if you don’t do it. For example, you don’t have to feed your kids today, but it will harm them if you don’t. Pick something such as, “I have to clean out the garage this weekend,” and don’t do it!
There is a statement in the Bible that I want you to look up. It is Deuteronomy 30:19. Summarize what you think it is saying:
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Our choices make or break us. We need to choose wisely each day so that we reap the positive consequences available to us. Do everything you can to switch from have to thinking to choose to thinking so that mental and spiritual health can be yours.
Week Ten:
Facing Your Own
Death
We are all going to die someday. That is an inescapable reality. Have you truly faced that fact? In this workout, I am going to push you to do just that.
First, I want to ask you some questions.
1. Have you ever been close to someone who died? ______ Yes______ No
2. If yes, who was it? ______________________________________________
3. How old was the person at the time of death? _______________________
4. Had he or she prepared for his death? _______ Yes _______ No
5. If so, how was he or she prepared? ________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
6. How painful was his or her death for you? _________________________ ________________________________________________________________
7. When you think about this person, what do you think? ______________ ________________________________________________________________
If you were suddenly informed that you were going to die in five years but that you have to keep working, how would you live differently? What would you do more, and what would you do less?
If I were going to die in five years, I would do more of the following:
1. _________________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________________
If I were going to die in five years, I would do less of the following:
1. _________________________________________________________
2. _________________________________________________________
3. _________________________________________________________
4. _________________________________________________________
5. _________________________________________________________
Now, I want you to write your obituary in the space provided as it would appear if you died today. You may want to read your local paper to see how obituaries are done, but I want you to write one the way you would like it to appear.
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Unless Christ returns first, we are going to have a funeral in our honor someday. At your funeral, people are going to get up and say something about you. Who would you like to speak on your behalf, and what would you like them to say?
I would like ______________________________ to speak at my funeral and say _______________________________________________________________________________________
I would like ______________________________ to speak at my funeral and say _______________________________________________________________________________________
I would like ______________________________ to speak at my funeral and say _______________________________________________________________________________________
When you die, what truth would be the most painful or embarrassing that someone could say about you at your funeral?
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Think about your tombstone. What one word or short phrase about you would you like to have engraved on it?
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Next, I want you to set aside a night to rent two movies, A Christmas Carol and It’s a Wonderful Life. After you have watched both, grapple with the following question: If I died today, would I have lived my life as a George Bailey, who influenced so many people for the good, or an Ebenezer Scrooge, who affected so many people for the bad? Explain your answer.
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To wrap up this workout, I want to ask you to do one more thing. Earlier in the book we talked about how some people don’t face the prospect of their death very well because they live so badly. Think about how you are living your life for a minute. What about your life are you willing to change right this very minute in order to live it more meaningfully? What specific change can you make in your life right now that would improve the quality of your life? The assignment: do it! Right now! No excuses!
Week Eleven:
Being Needy, Meeting Needs2
The next workout deals with the fact that we have needs. Simply put, we are all needy. We have physical needs for air, food, and water that must be met for us to survive. We also have spiritual needs, the most important of which is for an intimate relationship with God. I believe God created us with emotional needs as well. That is what I would like to focus on here.
First, a word of caution. There are two major mistakes you can make with regard to having emotional needs. One is to deny that you have them—to deny your neediness as a human being. The second is to demand that your emotional needs be the center of the universe and to care only about your needs being met while ignoring the needs of others. Either mistake will cost you psychological health and spiritual growth.
A list of emotional needs is provided. In the space next to each emotional need, write your personal definition of that need.
Acceptance:__________________________________________________________
Affection:____________________________________________________________
Affirmation:__________________________________________________________
Appreciation:_________________________________________________________
Attention:____________________________________________________________
Comfort:_____________________________________________________________
Encouragement:_______________________________________________________
Respect:_________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
Security:_________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
Support:_________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
Understanding:___________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
These emotional needs are “hard-wired” into us. We have them from the first day we draw breath until the last. Having these emotional needs makes us human, and we don’t need to apologize for having them.
When our emotional needs go unmet, God has created us in such a way that we are going to experience two powerful emotions: hurt and anger. These are natural reactions. The challenge, which we will discuss in a minute, is how to feel hurt and angry without reacting badly.
Think for a minute about some of your current A-B-Cs that involve hurt and anger as your response at “C.” Write down the event that triggered your hurt and anger, and then try to identify the emotional need or needs that went unmet when the event took place.
Let me help you along with a couple of examples. An event that triggers mild hurt and anger in me is holding a door open for someone and not hearing a “thank you.” The emotional need underneath those feelings is the need for appreciation. Another event that triggers hurt and anger in me is someone talking rudely to me. Underneath that situation is the emotional need for respect
Now, write down five events from your life that you currently feel hurt and/or angry about, and identify the emotional need or needs underlying each event.
Event (“A”) Emotional Need(s) Not Met
1. _____________________________ •_____________________________
_____________________________ •_____________________________
_____________________________ •_____________________________
2. _____________________________ •_____________________________
_____________________________ •_____________________________
_____________________________ �
�_____________________________
3. _____________________________ •_____________________________
_____________________________ •_____________________________
_____________________________ •_____________________________
4. _____________________________ •_____________________________
_____________________________ •_____________________________
_____________________________ •_____________________________
5. _____________________________ •_____________________________