True to Me

by Kay Bratt

  He sighed, his eyes still on the sand at his feet.

  “Look, the past is the past. Talking over every little indiscretion won’t help anything. I’m ready to move forward and forget all this if you are. You shouldn’t have come here without me, and I told you not to buy that house.”

  “You are ready to move forward? And forget what? I’ve done nothing but be loyal and faithful to you for all these years. And just one time in my life I decide to do something impulsive and buy a house, and you think that gives you the right to sleep with someone else? What, out of spite?”

  “No! Not out of spite. I was lonely, okay? You walked away and left me wondering what the hell was going on. You’ve no appreciation for all I’ve done for you. You were nothing when I met you, and look how far I took you. You’ve got options. A thriving career. The opportunity to marry a great catch who, you’ve got to admit, can pretty much pick and choose anyone he wants to.”

  “Stop talking about yourself in the third person,” Quinn said. “It makes you sound like an idiot.” Suddenly she saw Ethan in a new light. One less perfect than the one she’d held him to for so many years. Yes, he was handsome, athletic, and successful, but he could also be demeaning. Controlling, too, if she really wanted to be honest. And he was definitely not sorry for cheating on her.

  She stood.

  “Let’s get something straight right here and now,” she said. “I’m where I am in my life because I’ve worked for it. I studied harder than anyone, graduated school, and went out and found the career I wanted. I’ve always done the right thing, even if it wasn’t the thing I wanted to do. If anyone besides me should get credit for that, it’s my mother.”

  She thought about her two mothers now and how she’d probably been shaped by them both in some way. She didn’t even want to share her discovery about her family with Ethan. She wasn’t ready for that yet.

  “Your mother?” Ethan said, standing up to face her. “She practically begged me to stay with you so that her daughter would have a better life.”

  Quinn saw red. “That’s bullshit. My mother wanted what’s best for me, and you might be shocked to hear this, but she was never a fan of you, Ethan. And she’s twice the person you will ever be. Say another word about my mom and see what I do.”

  It was ironic that she was defending the character of a woman who had basically stolen her from her birth mother, but she couldn’t help it. She loved her. And she was ready to scratch Ethan’s eyes out if he insulted her again.

  A couple walking hand in hand strolled by, their faces curious as Quinn and Ethan stood glaring at each other.

  “This is going nowhere,” Quinn said, her voice barely audible through her gritted teeth.

  Ethan nodded. He didn’t even sound angry, which pissed her off even more. “You’re right about that. Put some decent clothes on and do something with your face so we can go somewhere and have breakfast or a drink. I’m still on East Coast time.”

  Quinn couldn’t believe his audacity. In two seconds he went from insulting her mother to telling her to do something with herself so they could go eat. As though he knew it would all be settled and he’d get his way like he always did. That she’d fall into his arms and thank him for choosing her.

  “No,” she said, feeling very decisive.

  “No what?”

  “No to everything. I said this is going nowhere, and I meant it. Our relationship is over. You need to go home, Ethan.”

  “Don’t be stupid, Quinn.”

  She shrugged. She might be turning down the security of marriage and throwing away a lot of invested years, but the veil had been lifted, and now she saw what others saw in Ethan. What her mother and Maggie saw. What she knew deep in her own heart but didn’t want to admit.

  It was over. She’d never felt so sure about something. He might love her in his own shortsighted way, but it wasn’t enough. In one tough moment, he’d gone off to find someone to help him lick his wounds. He didn’t appreciate her, and he damn sure didn’t respect her. That realization made her love him less. It also made it easier for her to do what she was about to do.

  “I don’t want to be with you anymore, Ethan. I don’t want the life we built together, the ten-year plan, or the emotionless condominium with all the convenient perks that you like so much. I don’t want us.”

  The surprising thing was that she wasn’t crying over it.

  He looked shocked. Quinn had no doubt that he’d expected to come to Maui, order her to behave, and have her back on a plane and home by the weekend. As he realized she was serious, his shocked expression turned angry.

  “If I walk away right now, don’t expect me to turn around,” he said. “It will be over, and I won’t change my mind.”

  She nodded.

  “I know it will. Once you feel rejected, you don’t forgive.” She’d seen many friendships crumble under Ethan’s impossible expectations.

  “Don’t do this, Quinn,” he said. “Gina was nothing. It will never happen again, and we can go back to the way things were.”

  This was a first. His anger was morphing into pleading. He looked like a disappointed boy, ordered to take his toys and go home.

  “Listen, Ethan, I don’t want to hurt you like you hurt me,” she said. “But I’m not the same person I was before I left. Being here in Maui has let me do some reflection. Some growing. I’ve finally had time to think about who I am, or who I want to be. I’ve still not totally figured it all out, but what I do know is being your wife isn’t the dream anymore. We’ve grown apart, and it didn’t just happen. You know as well as I do that the romance was over years ago.”

  “What do you want from me?” he said. “Do you want to set a wedding date? I’m ready now. We can do it before the year is out. Will that satisfy you?”

  “That’s just it, Ethan. I don’t want anything from you. It’s time for me to figure things out on my own. I’m not sure who I am right now, but I’m sure who I no longer want to be.”

  Quinn felt an ache deep inside. She’d spent so many years becoming what she thought Ethan wanted her to be that she’d lost herself. She knew that now.

  She tugged at the ring on her finger, twisting it until it released her and came free. She put it in his hand and closed his fingers over it.

  “You’re making a huge mistake that you won’t be able to undo,” he said, giving her one last warning, his tone angry again.

  She wanted to ask him to relax and let them be civil about the breakup, the division of their combined assets, and the removal of her things. But he gave her one more bewildered look and turned his back on her, walking away.

  He expected her to follow him.

  They’d played this game before. She always gave in.

  But this time Quinn stayed where she was.

  Sad. But no longer committed.

  She thought of the man running on the beach with his dog and realized she might be feeling a sliver of what he felt, and she savored her first taste of freedom.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Nothing was easy anymore. Quinn wondered if it ever would be again. After Ethan left, she took a few days to recover from his sneak attack and the demise of a decade-long relationship. Then it was time to put it aside and think about how to proceed with her current predicament.

  The thought of setting up a formal meeting with her birth family made her sick with anxiety.

  It was Maggie who came up with a brilliant idea, and they were going to pull it off before she left. Unfortunately, her weeklong reunion with Quinn was about to come to an end.

  Now Liam led the way, holding at least a half dozen new sleeping bags, while she and Maggie followed, carrying boxes of supplies. They’d spent the morning putting together gallon-size ziplock bags filled with shampoo, soap, and other hygienic items that the homeless sometimes didn’t have access to. Maggie’s contribution was pocket-size crossword puzzle books and pencils. She said they needed something to fire up their brains.

  “I thin
k they’re already here,” Liam said. “I see some people gathered around a portable table under the trees.”

  Quinn could see people, too, but couldn’t make out anyone in detail. Her heart raced, but she told herself that she could get through it. She was grateful for the cap Maggie loaned her. She’d pulled it low over her face and added a pair of sunglasses in an attempt to disguise herself as much as possible.

  It was brutally hot, and the sand was burning the sides of her feet where it touched, but Quinn was glad to be doing something to help the community her brother was a part of, even if she didn’t identify herself. Quinn had thought about it all night and had come to the conclusion that Noah and Jules must’ve begun their work because of their son, as a way to reach him, or to at least let him know they still cared for his well-being. And who knows, maybe that was the only way they would ever get to see him.

  They were fewer than thirty feet away now, and Quinn was afraid to look up. She took deep breaths in through her nose and out of her mouth. One foot in front of the other.

  “I’ll talk first. Noah will probably remember me,” Liam said.

  “Of course,” Quinn said. She thought that was a given. She sure wasn’t going to be the one to initiate a conversation.

  Liam had asked around and found out that Noah and Jules had a fairly routine schedule. Ironically, today was the day they’d visit the people who camped out on the same beach where Carmen had found Quinn so many years before.

  “It was meant to be,” said Maggie.

  Quinn agreed but she still felt light-headed. Her stomach fluttered with butterflies. Were they from anticipation? Dread? She really didn’t know.

  She also didn’t know what she’d say to the man and woman who had given her life, who had loved her dearly and then lost her.

  Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad . . . It’s me, Nama. I’m back . . .

  Yeah, that wasn’t going to work.

  So she might not say anything.

  Both Liam and Maggie had agreed that first they’d help hand out the gifts. If she felt it wasn’t the right time and wanted to leave, then she would shrink into the background, and they’d give out the donations so they could all leave quietly.

  “Quinn,” Maggie said softly. “Stop for a second.”

  They stopped and faced each other. Liam continued on.

  “I bet there’s panic behind those sunglasses,” Maggie said.

  Quinn nodded. Maggie knew her well.

  “Listen,” Maggie said, “I’m not going to put this heavy-ass box down to give you a hug, but I hope you can feel my support. You are stronger than you think. Damn, you stood up to Ethan for the first time in your life. So I know you can do this. We can do this.”

  “Okay.” Quinn kept her eyes locked on Maggie’s, taking every bit of bravery she could from them. She flashed back to when she and Maggie were about to enter the school gym for prom. The prom where no one had asked her out, and Maggie had dumped her date to go with Quinn. Behind those doors was every guy who had never given her a chance.

  Quinn had felt the same sort of panic then, but Maggie had pushed her through it, and it had turned out well. They’d had the night of their lives, laughing and dancing, and by the end of it, several boys had asked her to dance.

  Of course, this was much more monumental, but she would cling to that memory. With Maggie, she could do it.

  And Liam was the icing on the cake of courage.

  “Let’s go,” Maggie said, then turned back and led the way to where Liam now stood at a table, chatting with a man.

  He looked their way and waved them over.

  “These are my friends Maggie and Quinn,” he said to the man as they approached.

  Quinn forgot to look where she was walking and tripped over a huge tree root. Before she could recover, she catapulted forward, dropping the box and scattering everything in it in a wide radius around her.

  “Oh no!” Maggie exclaimed. “Are you okay?”

  A few guys rushed over. One gathered up the ziplock bags while the other held out a hand to help her to her feet. Quinn had lost her sunglasses, and she took the hand and looked straight up into the man’s face.

  He wore a baseball cap, and when she saw his face, a sense of familiarity washed over her. She’d seen him before.

  She flashed back to the Sea House and remembered that he was the one she almost bulldozed over when she came out of the bathroom. The hat guy.

  When she had her feet under her, she let go of him, and Maggie handed her the sunglasses. Quinn put them on quickly, but she was shaking when they finally approached the table. The other rescuer set her box on the table, so Quinn stood there, not knowing what to do. Maggie put her box down too.

  “This is Noah,” Liam said.

  Noah held a hand out to Quinn, and though she was supposed to be the one holding back, somehow she was there and felt like she had to take it.

  He was tall and looked quite athletic for his age. His hair was mostly gray, but she could tell it was once blond. He had thoughtful eyes, and he covered her hand with both of his, grasping it as he smiled at her. Quinn had thought she might feel something electric go through them when they touched, but all she felt was warmth.

  “Thank you so much for your donations,” he said. “The crew here on this beach can really use it. Many of them lost their belongings when they were run off from Baldwin Beach.”

  “You’re welcome. I’ve been here a few weeks, and I felt like I should do something for the community.”

  “I see you’ve met my son, Jonah,” he said, beckoning to the hat guy, who looked like he was more likely to be from the group of tent people than from Noah’s family.

  Quinn’s breath caught in her throat. So Jonah was the connection who was supposed to meet with her. She’d practically run him over, and then he’d cowardly declined to show himself for who he was.

  The same thing she was doing right now, she realized.

  “I—yes, I suppose,” she answered, pulling her hand free.

  Jonah nodded, his face impassive.

  Quinn thought of her mother. The one who had raised her and tried to teach her to be brave and always take pride in her actions. The one who used love and kindness laced with long talks to keep her from following other teens into drugs or alcohol. The one who had the courage to finally admit she’d lied, just before she took her last breath.

  To Quinn, that meant something huge. That meant her mother had wanted her to be here, in this moment, seeking the truth. Even if it meant the truth would end up making Quinn hate her.

  Then she pictured Ethan’s face. He’d always treated her like she was too afraid to do things for herself. And she’d let him. After a while it had just gotten easier to slip right into the person that he wanted, his early hints and persuasions guiding her into his ideal partner. She honestly didn’t even know what sort of person she would have been if left to her own choices. She’d allowed Ethan to take over her life and then walk all over her.

  Was she really that person?

  If she was, then she despised herself.

  “And this is Maggie,” Liam said, introducing her to Noah.

  Quinn had a decision to make. They were all three here. She could take charge of her own life right here and now. Or shrink back and be the woman that Ethan had always expected her to be.

  She locked eyes with Liam and felt like he knew she was struggling. He nodded, encouraging her to do whatever it was that made her the most comfortable.

  But comfortable was overrated.

  “Um . . . Noah, is your wife here?” she asked, her voice a little wobbly.

  Maggie and Liam went totally silent, the smiles disappearing from their faces. Quinn could feel the nervousness coming off Maggie in waves.

  “Why, yes, she’s right over there,” Noah said, pointing at a small gathering.

  Quinn turned and saw a woman handing out sandwiches from a box at her feet. Each person also took a bottle of water from the cooler beside it. They thanke
d her and quietly moved on. She was lovely, the angles of her face pronounced, her cheekbones prominent. Her long hair was still a dark brown but glittered with gray as it settled around her shoulders in soft waves that mimicked Quinn’s. She could see why Noah had fallen in love with her and had never left her side. The way she interacted with the people from the tents was something to see, her compassion etched in her movements and the gentle smile she gave each one. And they smiled back, some doing so in forced expressions that told of much sadness and regret but nevertheless thankful to be treated with respect.

  Quinn wanted to know her. She needed to know her. There was a pull there that came completely unexpectedly.

  “Can I talk to you both privately? And you, too, Jonah.”

  Noah looked confused, but he nodded. Jonah only stood there, watching her carefully.

  “Of course. Let me just get Jules, and we’ll meet you over there,” he said, pointing to a bare picnic table farther down the beach. “Let us hand out the rest of the sandwiches real quick. These people are hungry.”

  Jonah studied her closely, trying to see beneath the reflection of her shades.

  “I’ll wait over there,” Quinn said.

  Then she turned to Maggie and Liam.

  “Thank you both so much for doing this with me, but I think I need to finish it alone.”

  Liam nodded, and Maggie enveloped her in a huge bear hug, almost lifting her off the ground before letting her go. “I am so damn proud of you, Quinn Maguire. Or whoever the hell you are.”

  “You got this, Quinn,” Liam said. “We’ll hand out the supplies. You take all the time you need. I’ll keep an eye out, and I can be over there in ten seconds if you need me.”

  Quinn felt their love and concern wash over her. She’d always thought she had only one good friend, but now Maui had given her another. She turned and headed to the table, psyching herself up to find the words to tell the Monroe family that they might need to add one more place to their holiday table.

  Quinn sat at the picnic table facing the trees so that she could see Noah and Jules approach. She wanted to watch their body language. See if they acted like a couple. However, Jonah turned to follow her while they were emptying their last box.