Britches Get Stitches

by Elicia Hyder

  “Sit, sit! Celebratory drinks on me!”

  As she passed out shots, I (and, no doubt, everyone else at our table) looked around for Styx. I didn’t see her anywhere. What I did see was Derek returning with a glass of water and a bowl full of pretzels.

  I scowled at Monica.

  She pointed a bright red nail at me. “You need carbs and hydration.”

  “She needs a shot!” Olivia announced, handing me a glass.

  “I should be buying you a shot after all you did for me last weekend,” I said.

  “Well, I got your thank-you card and the gift card. You really didn’t have to do that.”

  “I know. I wanted to.” I sniffed the shot glass. It smelled like black licorice and regret. “What is this?”

  “Jäger, my love. Congratulations.”

  “Congratulations for what?” Monica asked.

  Olivia offered a shot to Derek as he sat back down. “For surviving your first few weeks of big-girl practice.”

  “No thanks,” he said. “Driving.”

  I reached for it. “I’ll take his.”

  “Thatta girl,” Olivia said, giving it to me.

  Monica groaned.

  “Olivia, where’s Styx?” Lucy asked. Better her than anyone else.

  She put the tray down on a nearby empty table. “She’s around here somewhere. Come on! Bottoms up!”

  Everyone except Derek threw back a shot. Mine burned like battery acid down my throat. I shuddered as I sat back down. Monica gagged beside me. Zoey was coughing across the table.

  I put my second shot down, my eyes still watering. “I’m gonna let that first one settle,” I said to Monica.

  She pushed the bowl of pretzels toward me. “Eat.”

  I picked up the water instead.

  The whole room erupted in applause. We all turned to look as Medusa walked in, arm in arm with two very large, very attractive men.

  She wore a black sequined dress with an asymmetrical, skinny-strap top. It was suction-tight, like it might have been fitted with a vacuum hose, and its short skirt had a slit so high it showed off the full image of her namesake’s head inked all the way up to her bikini line.

  Thigh tattoos. Never understood that trend. Perhaps it was because mine were like tree trunks. Nobody wants to call attention to that.

  Medusa’s, however…sigh. It was like each snake was positioned to accentuate a different muscle.

  The room was going crazy—exactly her intent, I was sure.

  “She’s so hot,” Olivia said behind me.

  Gay or straight, nobody could argue with that.

  Medusa moved away from her two escorts, pushing one of them down into a chair and mouthing for him to “Stay put.” Then she walked on stage and took the microphone from the singer of the band.

  “Good evening, bitches!”

  Everyone cheered louder.

  “Welcome to the eighth-annual Slammy Awards! My name is Medusa, and I will be your emcee for the evening. Let’s give it up for our badass band tonight, Marlena’s Way, ladies and gentlemen!”

  We all clapped. Some people stood. I was not one of them. I looked at Monica and fanned my face. “Is it hot in here?”

  She shook her head.

  “We’re going to have a lot of fun tonight. Let’s get rolling with the awards, shall we? To present this year’s Slammy Award for Best Referee, let’s all welcome our new team captain, Riveter Styx!”

  As the room applauded, I scooted my chair back to sit next to Olivia. She was drinking a beer by herself. “You OK?”

  She smiled, but it was forced. “I will be.”

  “What’s going on with you and Styx? I thought you said you were taking a break.”

  “We were. She asked me to come, but hasn’t spoken to me since I got here.”

  “What happened?”

  “Things have been rough since Haley left the team. They are really close, and Styx has been pretty upset about it. They’re supposed to be announcing Haley’s replacement soon.”

  “Do you know who it is?”

  She shook her head. “This is the first time I’ve seen Styx all week.”

  “Ouch. Think you’ll break up?”

  She shrugged.

  I leaned toward the table and grabbed the second shot of Jäger. “Here, you need this more than me.”

  Olivia laughed and downed it in one gulp.

  Styx held up a trophy made of gold spray-painted skate wheels and skulls. “And the winner for Best Referee is…Jessticular Fortitude!”

  The room cheered as our head referee walked on stage to claim her award.

  “Why are you drinking tonight?” Olivia asked.

  “Man problems.” I burped and it tasted like Jägermeister.

  Olivia laughed. “At least I don’t have those. Want to go to the bar?”

  “Absolutely.” I stood, then immediately sat back down. “Whoa,” I said, gripping my chair.

  Monica turned around. “You OK?”

  I blinked. “I’m good. We’re going to grab a drink. You need anything?”

  “I’m OK right now. Thank you. You should drink some water, Grace.”

  I picked up the water. “Yes, Mom.” I drank half of it before standing again. The second attempt was more successful.

  “You ready?” Olivia asked.

  “Ready.”

  We carefully navigated the stairs, and when we reached the bottom, Styx pretended like she didn’t see us. She was talking to Shamrocker at a table spitting-distance away.

  “Come on,” I said to Olivia. “Next round’s on me.”

  Near-freezing temps in a sleeveless dress with a short skirt will do wonders to sober a girl up. At a quarter past midnight, Monica and Derek waited with me at the curb for my Uber to arrive. I hugged her goodbye as Derek opened the back-seat door for me.

  “Are you going to be OK to get home by yourself?” She pulled back to look at me. “We really don’t mind driving you.”

  “It’s too far out of your way. It’s fine. I’m sure. Look, I’m sober.” I used each index finger to slowly touch the tip of my nose.

  “I think if you have to give yourself a sobriety test to prove your claim, that’s proof enough,” she said with a smile.

  I put my hands on her shoulders. “I promise I’m OK. Enjoy the rest of your date night.”

  “We will. Hey, do you want to ride together to the parade in the morning? Derek is going to bring the girls later.”

  “It’s going to be so early,” I whined.

  Derek leaned toward me. “And you’re going to be so hungover.”

  Monica pointed at my face. “You were warned. Don’t forget this is mandatory.”

  “Oh, I know. Yeah, we can go together. I’ll pick you up so you guys don’t have to take two cars.”

  She grimaced. “You sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure. Six fifteen?”

  “That should give us plenty of time,” she said.

  I looked back at the car. “I’d better go.”

  “Text me when you get home.”

  “I will.” I got into the back seat of the car. “Thank you, guys.”

  They both waved, and Derek closed my door.

  “Want me to crank up the heat?” the driver asked as he pulled away from the curb.

  “Please,” I said, my teeth still chattering. I pulled off my black stilettos and inspected the red splotches they’d left under my hose on the backs of my heels.

  My phone buzzed on my lap. It was a text from Jason. Just let me know you’re safe, OK?

  I swiped the message open. We’d had a full text conversation at the bar that I only barely remembered.

  It started with me sending a sideways and blurry selfie of me and Olivia. The caption said, c what ur missing?????????

  Come to think of it, maybe Olivia sent that one.

  He’d replied with, Looks like you’re having fun.

  Me: Did I text you?? OMG my bad. My sorry

  Jason: How are you
getting home?

  Me: I missssssss you, officer eye candeeeee

  I groaned. “Oh god.”

  Jason: I miss you too. LOL

  My next message was nothing but eggplant emojis. Olivia had sent that one. I had no idea why.

  Jason: Hahaha. I can’t wait for you to read this sober.

  “Excuse me,” I asked the driver. “What’s the eggplant emoji mean?”

  He snickered. “Maybe you should Google that one.”

  I did. Then I groaned some more.

  I hadn’t replied to Jason after that. He’d texted two more times.

  Grace? And the one that had just come through.

  With a sigh, I texted him back. Safe. In an Uber on my way home.

  He didn’t answer.

  My head was starting to throb by the time we turned onto Twenty-First Avenue. All I wanted was a big glass of water and my bed. “I’m never drinking again,” I said aloud.

  The driver chuckled. “I hear that one a lot. Is this you?”

  I leaned to the middle to look out the other back-seat window. “Yes.” I bent to pick up my shoes.

  “I’ll wait here to make sure you get inside. There’s a man standing out there. Seems to be waiting for you to get out of the car.”

  I looked again as Jason stepped out of the shadow cast by the awning in front of my store. I sighed. “It’s OK. I know him. One of Metro’s finest, actually.”

  The driver relaxed. “Oh, good.”

  “That’s sweet of you to care though. Thank you.”

  “Have a good night, ma’am.”

  “Thanks. You too.” I picked up my shoes off the floor, then took a brave, deep breath before pushing open the door.

  Jason walked over and met me on the curb. He was dressed in jeans, a sweater, and his wool coat. I was barefoot. His eyes fell to my dress. “Wow. Now I’m really sorry the picture you sent was blurry.”

  I managed a weak smile. “Thanks. Why aren’t you at work?”

  He looked at the ground. “I called one of my buddies last weekend when you told me about your awards thing. He switched with me so I could have the night off.”

  My head snapped back. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “You asked me not to call you anymore.”

  I swallowed hard.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked.

  “I’m OK. I quit drinking about an hour ago.” I looked up and down the empty street. “What are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to make sure you got home OK. Did you have fun?”

  I reached into my purse and pulled out my Slammy Award. “I won a Slammy for Newbie to Watch.”

  He took it for a closer look and chuckled. “That’s great. Congratulations.”

  I put it back in my bag.

  “I’m really glad you texted me tonight, Grace.”

  “Technically, my friend Olivia started that.”

  He looked away. “Was it you that said you missed me?”

  I sighed. “Yes, but I was very drunk.”

  “So you don’t miss me?”

  My shoulders dropped. “Jason, what do you want from me? I don’t want to do this hot-and-cold thing with you.”

  “You know Clay asked me to hang out this week.”

  I held up a finger. “Stop right there.”

  “What?”

  “All I wanted was to have a good time tonight. To have a few drinks and dance with my friends. To not think about my shitty ex-husband or the fact that I’ll probably never be able to have kids. I almost got my wish. So I’d appreciate you not capping my night off with tales of the forever faithful brotherhood of you and that slimy piece of shit.”

  “He blew me off.”

  I lifted my shoes in the air. “Of course he blew you off, Jason! He’s an inbred anus barnacle, or did you not get the memo?”

  He grinned. “Inbred anus barnacle?”

  I finally cracked a smile.

  Jason reached for my hand. “I’m sorry for what he did to you. And I’m sorry that I let him stop me…” His eyes fell to the sidewalk.

  “Stop you from what?”

  He took a deep breath. “From this.” With one step, he closed the gap between us and pressed his lips to mine.

  My knees wobbled. Maybe it was the Jäger. Maybe it was him. Maybe it was the fact that I hadn’t been kissed by a man other than my dad in nearly a year.

  Jason pulled my arm around behind him. Then he slid his strong hand up my jaw until his fingers curled around the back of my neck, and his thumb pressed against my cheek. I gripped his soft coat as his tongue explored my mouth and his other arm held me against his hard body.

  “Grace?” he asked against my lips.

  “Mmm?”

  “Are you still drunk?”

  “Maybe a little.”

  His hand moved back to my waist. “Are you going to be OK with this tomorrow?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then can we go inside? Your teeth are chattering against my mouth.”

  “Please,” I said and sucked his lower lip between my teeth.

  Lacing his fingers with mine, he led me to my door and punched in the code. My teeth were chattering, but only partly from the cold. My heart was pounding so hard I wondered if he might hear it as we ascended the steps inside.

  I stuck the key in the front-door lock as his arms slid around my waist from behind. I pushed the door open, and he backed me up against the wall inside. As he pulled off his coat, he locked the door behind us. Then his hands started at my thighs and moved up to cup my ass.

  I heard his breath hitch. “Grace…” He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. “Are you wearing a garter belt and stockings?”

  “I’m wearing a pinup dress. Of course I’m wearing a garter belt and stockings.”

  He shuddered against me. “Can I see?” His strained voice cracked. “Please?”

  Taking his hand, I pulled him into the living room. Without being directed, he moved the coffee table aside and sat down on the couch. I turned around in front of him. “I can’t do this by myself.”

  His fingers worked the knot in the ribbon at my tailbone that held my dress together. I heard him suck in a jittery breath, then he leaned his head against my spine. “My hands are shaking,” he said with a laugh.

  I reached back and put my hands on his wrists. “You can do this. I promise.”

  A minute later, he blew out a slow sigh and pulled the ribbons through the eyelets. The dress loosened, then slowly fell to my bare feet. My heart was pounding. I had been a college athlete the last time a man saw me naked for the first time.

  When I turned around, in my black bra and thong with my garter belt and thigh-highs, Jason visibly swallowed. Then he slumped back in his seat and leaned his elbow on the armrest to cradle his head. “Good god. That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  “You look like you might cry,” I said with a relieved smile.

  His knuckles went white squeezing his forehead. “I might.”

  I laughed and did a slow, full turn for him.

  “Take your hair down,” he said quietly.

  I reached up and began pulling the pins out of my curls, letting them fall around my shoulders.

  “You’re so beautiful, Grace.” He sat forward and reached for my hand, pulling me down onto his lap. I straddled his hips and kissed him, suddenly the drunkest I’d felt all night.

  Thirteen

  There’s something to be said for a man whose body is trained to be awake all night. Goodness. We’d certainly put his nocturnal schedule to work after my stockings came off.

  They were ruined, by the way, as Jason had spent all his patience unlacing my corset. And as for my garter belt, it had come off by way of his teeth. Round one was hot and heavy, ending quickly before we made it off the sofa.

  But the second…oh, mercy. Round two lasted for hours as we christened different parts of my apartment. The floor. The table. And don’t even get me started on the bed he lo
ved so much.

  For the first time ever, I was grateful for those grueling months of 27 in 5s. Who knew this was what I’d been training for?

  “I have to skate in the parade today,” I said with a groan as I flopped onto my back beside him. The moon was shining through the blinds in my bedroom, casting white rays of light over my bare torso.

  Smiling, he traced his finger down the center of my breasts to my belly button. “I’m sorry?”

  I laughed. “No, you’re not.”

  His hand slid down beneath the sheet, slipping between my damp thighs. “No, I’m really not.”

  I squirmed at his touch, and he leaned over and kissed me softly. On the lips. On the neck. On the collar bone. I raked my nails through his hair. “I have to get up and take a shower.”

  “Want some company?”

  “No. I’ll never leave this apartment.”

  “That would not be a bad thing.”

  “Except that I gave my word. And I promised I’d pick Monica up at six fifteen. What time is it?”

  He reached toward the nightstand and picked up his phone. “A little after five.”

  “What time did I get home?”

  “Around one.”

  “Four hours? That’s impressive, Officer Bradley.”

  “Well, you said you wanted my eggplant.”

  My eyes popped open, and I rolled toward him. “Oh my god. We’re never talking about that again.”

  “Oh, you better believe we are.” On his side, he propped his head up on his elbow. “That was the funniest text I’ve ever received. And I really prefer the title Officer Eye Candy.”

  I laid on my stomach, burying my face in the pillow.

  “Come on, it turned out pretty well, I think.” He leaned over my back and pushed my thighs apart. “Right?”

  I moaned, forcing my legs together again. “I have to go.”

  “If you say so.” He kissed the back of my shoulder. “But you’ve been awake all night, so I don’t want you to drive. I’ll take you myself.”

  I turned onto my back again. “Not to pick up Monica. She has no idea that you’re here, and if I roll up to her house with you, we won’t have a chance for me to give her all the juicy details.”

  The corner of his mouth tipped up. “You’re going to tell her?”